~ Lost My Mind ~ Alice Kristiansen
*
TWO MONTHS LATER - YEAR 844
************************
Soldier's were slipping past our fingers, with the last two expeditions we have accomplished. Yet as usual nothing was successful, losing many soldiers along the way. New soldier's wouldn't be coming in for the next two years, due to their training for three years. Running low on ideas, we still need to explore the outside world.
For the time being Levi joined my squad, finding it easier with him cooperating with me. I noticed a different glint in his eyes since the fall of his best friends, but I don't know what's running through his head sometimes. He cooperated and followed instruction during the past two expeditions we have had, and some were still unsuccessful missions.
Running my fingers through my tangled locks, I trudge towards the bathroom to take my usual morning shower after an early start to training. My body grew sluggish, and all I've been doing was sit behind the desk and write papers. It's really a drag sometimes, but paperwork must be fulfilled before anything else.
Stepping inside I pick a cubicle before sliding the curtain shut behind me, as I slip my boots placing them side by side outside the cubicle. Soon I slip my clothes, pooling at the bottom of my feet I place them up on the shelf beside me. My eyes dark and hazy, I hook my towel on the wall before stepping forward turning the shower on.
A small yawn escape my lips, rubbing my eyes adjusting my blurry vision.
"Damn," I mutter, before stepping beneath the water feeling everything finally come to pause. Drowning the sounds of my surroundings, the water muffles everything around. The feeling of just slipping underneath the warm water, eases the tension in my tight muscles that have been bugging me for a while.
"Akira?!!!"
".........."
"Akira?!" soon a knock at the wall sends me out of my peaceful mode, blinking in surprise.
"Huh? Who's that?!"
"It's Hanji, I came to inform you that Erwin wishes to speak with you," She announces, making me furrow my eyebrows in confusion.
Lifting my head up, I purse my lips.
"What does he want?!" calling out, due to the water rushing a little loudly.
"I don't know, just needs to speak with you,"
I felt this uneasy feeling, due to the fact that over time Erwin has been eyeing me suspiciously Things haven't been well since I saved his ass, when Levi almost had the chance to strike him down. It was almost like how Peter looked at me from afar too, but Erwin was a man equal to me. A comrade if you will, but sometimes there were things I was hesitant about.
"Alright, I will be done shortly!"
"Right!"
Hearing them leave with their boots receding, I let out a heavy sigh past my lips. Closing my eyes I drift beneath the water again, scrubbing myself with my usual vanilla sweet body scrub. Things like this scrub was hard enough to find, having to conserve it. Once I was finished, I scrub my hair thoroughly as well kneading my fingertips through my scalp, while humming a soft tune.
Turning the knob of the shower, I reach for my towel and began to dry myself while mentally preparing myself to meet him.
***
Wearing a black V neck sweater that framed my collarbone nicely, I wore my usual white pants with my boots. Fixing my hair lazily, my locks fall instead of putting it up for today. Finally reaching his door I stood firm, swallowing back I try to remind myself we're equals.
Okay......let's go..
*Knock**Knock*
"State name, and business!"
Saluting my eyes harden, "Akira Yamasaki, you wished to see me?"
"Come in!"
My hand drifts to the knob hesitantly wondering why on earth I'm here, knowing full well I could've ignored his request. What if it was important though? What if.........forget it, I can go through any obstacle.
Twisting the knob I walk inside finding the lights were dimmed, finding the room quite dark. A lamp rests upon his desk, allowing enough light to work on his papers. His head lifts up seeing looking a little drained, unfocused as well. I stood there unsure what he wanted, especially while we're only in the middle of the month with two more weeks, to prepare for our next expedition.
"Erwin......what is this about?"
He taps some papers together, before placing them aside before facing me.
"I wanted to talk about Levi......how is he in your squad?"
I blink a few times, finally understanding what this was about.
Trying to find the right words my eyes meet his, "Well he's been quite cooperative, maybe a little stubborn but overall......he's actually a good comrade," I admit softly, feeling rather proud of how Levi was progressing since then.
"I see........"
Furrowing my eyebrows towards the squad leader, the candle light flickers in the dim light. Curious enough I clear my throat, "May I ask........why you're asking about him?"
His eyes flickers from his papers, back to me like his eyes were intimidating my ego. Soon he stood up pushing himself from the table, while his seat scrapes against the wooden flooring. He walks over, his fingertips trailing along the desk averting his eyes from my own.
"Just keeping tabs, you're in charge of him.......right?"
Nodding slowly, he softly smirks.
"W-Well I don't really like to take charge of someone older than me...." I trail off, seeing him turn before leaning against his desk folding his arms. His eyes study me for a moment, "....in training he gets better and better, our techniques match.......well that's what my brother informs me."
"You know he can also be a danger......"
Gulping quietly I nod slowly, knowing what the man was capable of. Soon my eyes narrow, facing Erwin again.
"But.......I can be also a danger too, so what does it make a difference?"
His reaction was slightly taken back by my bold words, before his face softens nonchalantly. Given how Erwin and I stood, he was far more smarter than I can ever be. Being someone who has always had the inclination to question deeper, to the point where it was illegal. Sometimes I find his mind dangerously so, that I every so often have to be cautious and wary.
"Sharp and bold as always, Yamasaki," he comments, slightly nodding in response. Soon his gaze snaps backup to meet with my own, "The very reason we trust you, is because you understand what he have to go through to make our expeditions happen.....you understand--"
"Excuse me, with all due respect....." cutting him off, I found this unusual. ".....you never really compliment my work, let alone......ask me here to just discuss basic reports on Levi. He understands where he stands, and I only follow Commander Shadis' word. So I will excuse myself...."
Turning on my heel sharply I hear him stride towards with one step, a large hand latches around my wrist feeling my back slam into the wall. Gasping from the sharp impact against his strength, my eyes met with piercing blue eyes that bore into my own soul.
"E-Erwin.....let me go, p-please?"
My chest felt awfully heavy trying to breath through my nose calmly, but his larger body towered over my small figure.
"You watch your tongue......Yamasaki," he sharply warns me, his voice sounds more dangerous than before.
My eyes try to glance away, "I see you as an equal, we worked for a few years," I began, not letting my voice tremble by the likes of this man. "I don't want to cause anything between us if we have to work t-together, even if you have something against me."
Everything soon fell dead silent, hearing the distant yells from training outside. Wanting an escape right now, I didn't want to begin any quarrels.
"May you let go of me, please?"
I felt his grip around my tightens for a moment, before he slowly releases me.
He turns back to his desk slowly making his way over, while I stood there gathering the breath that was stolen from me. My eyes couldn't fall upon him for now, especially after that awkward encounter. With that, I swiftly step out of the room slamming the wooden door behind me to clarify I'm pissed. Storming off I head back to the barracks, just wanting to be left alone for once.
************
Time went by fast since that event, but my mind was cleared after clearing my head.
My pencil grazes the paper, shading different spots and defining lines. My eyes trail along shading the jawline, remember the definition he had. Dusting a few beauty marks, my eyes flutter shut taking a deep breath in.
Another soldier finished.......
"What you got there?!" a sudden voice appears out of nowhere, causing myself to jump in response. I hear the bunk bed sway a little, before my eyes soon met with Lena's deep brown eyes look brightly at the item in hand.
Soon she took the book in excitement, and hoisted herself up onto the bunk swaying her legs to the side.
"Hey, that's mine!" I pout, when she flutters the pages carefully. Her breath hitches in response, before aweing in response.
Running my fingers through my long locks sheepishly, I slam my face into the pillow hitting my back against my plush mattress. "It's stupid, isn't it?!" I muffle, beneath the soft cushion.
"No, it isn't! Is this......Squad Leader Flagon?!" She exclaims, in shock. "And is this........Jonas?"
Peeling away my pillow only have one eye glancing up, they soon widen seeing the adoration and amazement glimmering in her eyes. The way she held my book carefully, afraid to break it I sigh deeply in response.
"I didn't know you could draw, why haven't you told any of us?" She questions, more softly and less enthused.
Dwelling on whether telling her or not, my thoughts were jumbled to the point I gave in. Sitting up I cuddle the pillow to my chest, sitting cross-legged leaning my back up against my bed frame on my top bunk. Just seeing her eyes lighting up in amazement, lifted my solemn mood, giving me more of a reason to explain.
"Thought it would be pointless,"
"Pointless? No, this is amazing!" She exclaims, a laugh leaves her rosy lips. "I just.......you really can draw, not many can you know?"
Scoffing softly, rolling my eyes.
"Just....don't tell anyone," I mumble, puffing my redden cheeks. "I trust you, because you're my comrade, but......there's....others.....that won't think the same."
She nods assuring me she won't tell, feeling my shoulder finally relax after her word was given. Slowly pulling my knees to my chest, I rest my head against my arms.
Soon comfortable silence falls upon us, as she flicks through the many pages that were already filled with portraits. Her eyelashes flicker, while lingering on a few with her mouth agape.
"Why? Why do you......do this?"
The question itself was a painful reason, but all the more to explain the reason I draw.
"To remember......."
"Huh?"
Lifting my head up slowly my eyes fall upon a page she landed on, with an old comrade long before Jonas, Lena and Renji joined with my squad.
Since I joined the Scouts, I would sketch the faces of my comrades before they're forgotten......except their names
"Memories fade once a life is taken, especially being mauled to death," my voice slightly breaks, but soon deepens. "Since I joined the Scouts, I would sketch the faces of my comrades before they're forgotten......except their names."
"Captain......"
Leaning over I point to a cross in the corner, tapping it as her eyes follow.
"That is to show who is alive.......or not," informing her. "This man.....was a comrade of mine a few years ago.......there used to be a group called Squad Arvin."
Her eyes widen, with realisation.
"I remember hearing about that squad, wasn't there only one left from that squad now?" She questions, as I nod slowly.
"Elias.......Elias Meyer, he was a very loyal soldier and was always the calm and resolving type of man,"
Humming softly, I begin to point to every soldier I've drawn in my sketchbook. Each one had their names written at the bottom of the page, either with a slash or cross to mark their status. She flicks through recognising a few, and some she wasn't familiar with. So many was already drawn in the book, except I needed to get a new book.
"Hang on, wait.........you drew.....them?"
My eyes land upon the portraits, realising I wasn't finished with hers. Picking up my pencil I begin to finish my sketched piece of the bright, chirpy girl.
Isabel Magnolia.....and Farlan Church....
"Captain.....?"
Shaking my head I blink a few times, "Sorry......I just......"
I couldn't utter a word about the incident, let alone even speak about them. It was difficult to explain how I felt about the two, especially the close friends to Levi. Lena seemed to catch on my behaviour before sighing deeply, while turning her attention to her legs. Swaying them along the edge, my pencil gently scrapes along the rough pages. Her hair was wispy, and showed more excitement. Big forest green eyes, fair skin due to lack of sunshine.
"You know.....Captain," Lena breaks the silence, that pauses in the air.
Lifting my head up, I saw a small smile appear across her lips.
"I hope one day you become Commander.........."
Blinking a few times processing those words, my face instantly went red til my ears burns.
U-Um.....w-why?"
She chuckles while swinging her legs, turning to me with a big smile on her soft face.
"I just think you have become stronger since I've begin my years of the survey corps," She began, noticing that her voice was not wavering nor hesitant. "We know you think that you're not smart or capable to lead, but over time I've noticed yourself at meetings, training, expeditions, and even aiding Commander Shadis' side......you have the potential......"
She pauses, lowering her eyes.
"...Well....that's my own opinion, it's just you have some much resilience," She continues, her voice lowering down but still full of confidence. "You are so patient, even in tough times.......I want you to know, I will never serve anyone besides you as my squad leader......I'm proud to have you as my Captain."
My eyes widen unfamiliar to these new words, feeling this warmth spread within my heart. My pen falls in my lap, understanding those words completely. Lena Hoffmann......a soldier who served beside me for at least Two years.....even before Renji joined my squad.
Reaching over I place a firm hand on her shoulder, making her slightly hum in confusion.
"Thank you Lena..........for your words of encouragement,"
Her eyes sparkle in pure joy before jumping down on both feet to the ground, before placing her hands behind her back. Her blonde hair bounces against her shoulders, with a smile curling at the corners of her lips.
"Also dinner is very soon, wanna eat together?"
Glancing down I nod, "Sure,"
*****
Walking into the mess halls I found a few soldier's within the room, laughter and chattering fills the room. Walking over I saw Lena already standing by the counter, before we both collect our meals. My eyes trail among the soldier's, before landing upon my comrade. Levi. He sat alone, only with a cup of tea and a small amount of bread.
"Let's go sit with Levi....." i suggest softly, making Lena turn to the male.
"He's always alone......"
I gave her the 'are you for real' look, before glancing back to him. Walking over I place my food down beside him, with Lena sitting opposite of me. Turning to him, his eyes peer from sipping his drink.
"May I help you?" he bluntly questions, his steel gaze always sent shivers down my spine.
Shifting myself so I'm facing him properly, I send him a warm smile.
"We came to sit with you, you looked alone," I reply, hearing him scoff.
He rolls his eyes before glancing away, exchanging glances with Lena she seemed unsure what else to say.
"You're doing a shitty job acting like comrades, you know?" he points out, making me slightly wince from his bitter tone. "I'm fine, I'm not like a lone puppy....."
Sighing deeply I run my fingers through my hair, tangling it my eyes glance away from him for a moment. Soon met a pair of hazel eyes, which made me slightly cower from his intense gaze upon me.
"So did you train today?" I ask him, brushing off the fact he was trying to ask me to get lost.
"........."
Slightly getting impatient I decide to just ignore what I've asked, before eating my meal slowly. My appetite on the other hand wasn't good, especially with the pair of eyes staring me down like I was some prey. Biting lightly into my bread, I chew slowly while Lena smiles with a mouthful of some bread. After some time slowly eating, Lena had to go quickly to do something leaving me alone with the cold man.
The tension between us was thick, especially still blaming myself after what happened.
Losing my appetite I shove my plate and rested my head upon my arms, burying my face in between. I'm trying my best to regain his trust, even though I never meant for anything to happen before. I've spoken to Miche for advice, Hanji, Nanaba.....even my own little brother.
"Could you um........teach me some techniques, with the blade,"
My eyes slowly widen, unable to fathom those few words he uttered out sheepishly. Did he just ask me to help him? Levi? Did i hear correctly, or did my failure of a mind made me illusive?
Lifting my head up slowly in response, my lips part to reply when...
"I'm not.....saying I'm terrible, I just.....you seem to be the exact match with my own techniques.....that's all," he adds, seeing his ears tinting red timidly. His eyes meet mine by a side glance, seeing his eyebrows furrow like he was putting a tough facade on.
"Eh?"
Still unable to answer confidently, slightly taken back.
"Tch, you heard me....."
Swallowing thickly I turn back around fumbling with my thumbs, wondering why out of nowhere he would ask me such a thing. Soon dwelling upon it, a soft smile drifts upon my lips.
"Alright......" his head lifts up in response to my voice. "....I can teach you a few things.....if you teach me a few things yourself...deal?"
My eyes side glance his way, seeing him close his eyes with a deep sigh.
"Sure,"
Soon Lena returns sitting back down breathing out, like she ran around the field or something. Confused I tilt my head, "What did you have to do?"
Her eyes widen, "U-Um......just forgot to hand something to the Commander,"
Looking at her suspiciously I purse my lips, before a chuckle left my lips.
"Alright, whatever you say,"
I then hear Levi stand up along with his plate and cup, and walked away from the table. Remembering that he needs to give me a time of place and when, I whip around.
"Levi?"
He sighs in irritation.
"What?"
Glancing up, "When and where?"
He averts his eyes from my own, waiting for his reply like he's setting it right now.
"When I feel like it,"
My face instantly drops, slightly dumbfounded by his response he leaves me looking drained and had it for the day. Turning back around, I slam my head against the wooden table giving up for the day.
A gentle hand rests upon my shoulder.
"What's the matter, Captain?"
Shifting my head to the side, I blow a strand of hair away from my eyes lazily. "Just mentally exhausted,"
"Oh.........did Levi say something or......?"
Groaning I roll my head back with my temple upon the timber, with a heavy sigh.
"Don't worry,"
Yet I couldn't help but muster a small smile, realising he was the first to initiate the conversation and asked me for help.....
Bring it on Levi.........
-----------------------------------------