Author note: This chapter has been revised and edited. Updated 10th June 2017
Chapter 6:
Inevitable Fate
I need to remind myself to tell Noah about these frequent...questions.
"Are you the one sharing the dorm with Noah Sky?"
I can feel my lunch coming up as I turn to see a girl grinning crazy. With the group of friends she has, looking not so subtly at me, I'm guessing she's fresh out of high school.
"Yes," I say instantly, nervous at her proximity. "Why do you want to know?"
The answer is always the same. "Whoa, you're so lucky!
Next to me, Nicole frowns. "Excuse me?" but the random girl squeals excitingly and skips back over to her table. I turn to look at my dorm room's girlfriend.
"This is the sixth time today. Or maybe seventh, I don't know," I say, playing with the broccoli sprouts in my container.
"Not everyone cares," she says. "There are campuses outside of the Uni that allow mix-gender rooms."
I move aside my hair blowing from the air-con above and giggle at Nicole's funny faces when Rachel joins us. Her tray slams on the table. Nicole and I exchange looks. "You're having one of those moods or boy trouble," Nicole says.
Rachel spits out "Boy trouble," and stabs her kebab with a fork. She chews her food like a robot, her eyes glazed over.
Nicole brushes strands of her red hair away from Rachel's face, a tender expression adoring on hers. "I know my stupid ass of a step-brother has something to do with it."
Rachel slows her chewing.
"Rach," I say, gently. "What did he do to you?"
Instead of answering me, she takes her plate and marches out of the cafeteria. Nicole shakes her head and looks steadily at me, like she knows what I'm about to do. "It's better if she handles this alone for a while."
Heartbreak. Sometimes the pain becomes too much to even smile. Rachel's' lack of bravery confirms as much. Her pale face has little to no colour, just small, almost dull freckles. They weren't there before.
Nicole's eyes slit behind me. "You!"
"Where's Rachel?" Jesse asks. Noah and Raven take a seat away from Nicole. Neither boys takes a peek at her seething rage, their food too good to look away.
"She's planning your death," Nicole says. "Her food copped it."
Jesse curses, and Raven shoots Jesse a wary look. "What'd you do now?"
Nicole continues to stare at her brother. "Oh, I think we both know what he did. Jesse Erik Ross, you're so gonna cop it."
He rolls his eyes. "Where is she?"
"I don't think she wants to see you." He looks at me. I say, quickly, "She couldn't sit with us too long."
Jesse makes an inaudible sound, placing both of his hands on his face to wipe it."It wasn't even like that."
What is he talking about? "It's not us you need to say it to," Noah says. "If you explain to her what really happened, she won't hold a grudge."
Jesse scoffs. "Yeah right; as if I need to be the one to apologies to her."
Noah goes to speak, until Nicole cuts him off. "I find knowing my brother, once again, fucked my best friend over is something you need to apologies for. There's a difference between a jerk and an honest guy."
"I never started this whole thing; it was all her!" Noah calls bullshit, and Jesse flips him the bird. "She's the one that suggested no strings attached, not the other way around. God, why do I always get the shit?"
"Cause you're an ass." Nicole says.
Jesse glares at his sister. "I'm telling Mum." He ignores the look of utter devastation on Nicole's face, and fists his hands in his jeans. His back faces the table, and walks away.
"He's being a puss," Raven says, pulling us back from our thoughts. He turns to Noah. "Remember when Rachel didn't return his phone call last year? He sat on the couch the whole night looking at his phone."
"Because of Rachel." I play with the hem of my shirt when their eyes look my way. "Um, he likes her."
Nicole rolls her eyes. "Well, yeah. Sleeping with the same person more than once, is considered to be of an interest to him. She so likes him back. Those idiots."
"Does she look like she likes him back, smart-one?" Noah holds Nicole's stare.
Her arms fold. "Whatever. I know my best friend."
"Okay, flames out," Raven says. He pats me on the shoulder, breaking eye contact with Noah and Nicole. His smile ushers my attention. "Wanna go and check on Rachel with me?"
I lower my head. "Nicole says not to disturb her."
"What Nicole doesn't know won't hurt her."
Nicole pokes her head between ours. "You know I can hear you two."
"Too late," Raven says. "We're seeing her."
When Raven and I make our way outside, Noah's voice calls me back.
"I need to talk to you," he says. I give him a look. "It's about the...thing." All I can think about is the assignment. I ask him if that's what he means. "Yeah, sure. The assignment we're working on Friday. I need to know if you got the fabric."
I really want to understand what he's talking about, but speaking in tongues isn't my forte.
It's been a week since we've been paired up. During that time, deciding on a project: a long red dress. Noah can't draw for the sake of him, but he can do wonders when he matches up fabric colour. We plan to continue working on the assignment on Friday before the dinner and vow never to speak of it in public
My eyes light with recognition. "You're talking about the din..."
Noah grabs my hand and pulls me away from Raven and the cafeteria. His grip is tight, but not enough to hurt, and warm against my skin. The stutter in my chest surprises me a bit. He lets go and closes some of the distance between us. Not understanding any of this, I step back until the brick wall of the cafeteria presses into my shoulder blades. Noah follows. He turns his head left to right, before as whispers in my ear.
"The dinner with my parents. I need to know if you found a dress. It shouldn't be too out there..."
I'm blushing. Being this close to his, I can see the small stubble and pimple scars on his chin and jaw. Stars splatter in the middle of his face like the galaxy threw a bucket of them carelessly.
"No," I say, and fold my arms over myself. "No, I don't have one."
His jaw tightens. "You had a week, Lillian."
"I was busy during the week." The weekend with my psychiatrist filters my mind. "Besides," I say, and shuffle on the spot, "I don't do much shopping."
"You're a girl!"
I frown. "Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I have to do everything like a girl. I only shop when I need to."
"And buying a dress isn't a good enough reason?"
I lower my eyes, feeling guilty for not thinking this through. Noah sighs. "Did you ask Nicole, or Rachel?" I shake my head. "Why not?" he says.
"Because it's embarrassing to ask. They'll ask questions. I just feel like it's no one else's business." Noah shuffles on his feet. I have the urge to look up, but the skin around my fingers colour me still. "Does Raven and Jesse know what's going on with you?"
"There're some things I don't share with them."
I catch his eyes. "Do you want to tell them?"
"They've got their own stuff to deal with. And the girls..."
I smile when I think of them. "They'll understand, Noah."
He shakes his head. "Forget it, I never said anything. Do what you have to do to get a dress; ask Rachel. Say you're going on a date with Raven."
I frown. "But, Raven and I are just friends."
He's annoyed with the answer. "Just lie, bloody hell! She won't know. You're not good with interacting with people anyways. She'd believe you."
I nod at him, and walk back towards the cafeteria where Raven waits. He tells me he has Rachel's room number from Nicole. Raven says, "What were you and Noah talking about?"
We walk up the stairs on the left side of the building. "The assignment," I say. "We were talking about the assignment. He's worried I might screw up the dress. He doesn't trust me enough."
Raven scoffs. "Yeah, that's because he never made a dress in his life."
I grip my phone in the back of my pocket. "Why's that you reckon?"
Raven shrugs. "Maybe that's not his passion?"
"He's still making a dress with me," I point out. "I haven't seen his stuff, but he knows what he's talking about."
"I guess so." There's something in the way Raven purses his lips and shrugs the topic off that sticks to me. The corner of his mouth frowns, and his eyes aren't looking anywhere but the steps below him. There's more to Raven and Noah's relationship than the constant support of each other.
Raven brightens up in seconds. He's grinning when he looks at me. "Already centering your attention on what the man does for a living?"
"No, not one bit." He doesn't believe me.
"It's okay you know, I understand. He's Noah frik'n Sky! Everyone either loves him or loved him."
"Which category do you fit in?"
He wiggles his eyes. "Oh, I'm totally in love with him, no shame. What about you?"
I stare at him, trying not to laugh at how dramatic he sounds. "The thought of being in love makes me sick." My stomach flutters. He doesn't need to know how terrible I am when it comes to my love life, or that I've never experienced what being in love is like. With my condition, it's never that obvious to me.
Raven makes a sound at the back of his throat. I press on. "We're not even friends," I say.
He wraps an arm around my shoulder. "Whether it's today or in three years, you're going to fall in love with him and there's nothing you or anyone can do about that."
I grimace at the way Raven sounds so confident about the knowledge he has. "I rather not be told what to do, thanks."
I don't appreciate the image of Noah's brown eyes pressing into my mind either. It's bad enough that Raven thinks of me as another victim of his friend; how predictable I am—or will be.
The floor room is just as ordinary as any apartment floor. The thin corridor leads to dorm rooms with gold plates drilled onto the white doors. The grey carpet scuffles under our feet as we take a right and search for the number. The place smells like it's been bathed in perfume; some areas stronger and fruitier than others. My skin shivers at the thought of moving into the female dormitory next semester.
A door to one of the rooms unlock and slam heavily shut with Jesse stumbling out and a furious Rachel following behind.
"Until you admit it, leave! I don't ever wanna see your face here."
"Rachel, don't do this. Come on." He wraps his hands around her waist and flings them away when she pinches his skin. He follows her figure back inside her dorm, only for the door to close on him. He bangs his fist on her door and presses his head flat against the surface. And stands there. Clueless.
I don't feel that sense of contentment at the blond's broken expression. I'm feeling sorry for Jesse. I want to help him. This can't be a normal.
Next to me, Raven lowers his head to whisper in my ear. "This might not be a good time."
Jesse's head jerks to the sound of voices. His gloomy face tightens. "The hell do you want?"
I avoid Jesse's stare and hid behind Raven's tall frame. "Can you talk to him?" I say.
"I was gonna suggest you to do that for me. But one of us has to." He waves to Jesse. "Hey, mate."
"Don't feel like talking," Jesse says, hugs himself, and lean against Rachel's door. "Don't care what you or princess over there says."
Raven stuffs his hands in his jeans. "So you're gonna stay there until she gets out? A bit possessive."
"I'm not..." Jesse catches my eyes, and I swallow down any potential hope I have to say please. Jesse rubs his hand over his face. "Whatever."
Raven wraps an arm around his shoulders, muttering encouragement to re-watch Friends. I sweep my foot on the grey carpets until they both leave, not wanting them to witness my embarrassing attempt at talking to Rachel.
I knock on her white door, the gold number plate glaring bright in my face. "Rachel? It's Lillian." There's shuffling on the other side. I sigh, and call her name out again. She doesn't answer, and my knocks become urgent than the last. I frown at the memory of Rachel's bitter expression and Jesse's sullen face. Their relationship must mean a lot to them if they can stand the faces they make at each other.
"Rachel," I say again, "open up and talk to me."
There's a bang against her side of the door. "Go away."
"I'm not going away."
"I don't feel like talking. Please, just go. I want to be alone."
"I'm not going." I sigh. I should listen to what she wants. Being alone isn't always healthy. Alone, with thoughts as company, is just as toxic as drinking to sleep. There's no stopping once the tornado grabs hold on you, and I fear Rachel will drown in it.
I swallow, preparing for the words already formed in my head. "I know shutting people out can be easy, but trust me; talking about it helps. I won't say anything if you don't want me to."
Her harsh breathing closes the gaps of silence.
I try again. "Heartbreak is intolerable, but it can be less painful with someone beside you. I don't expect you to tell me the story, but let me be there for you. Nicole's worried."
Her tiny voice breaks through. "Is she with you?" .
I shake off the small disappointment in me. "No, just me."
"Just you?"
The door opens and a red-eye, messy redhead comes out. Her nose is pink and her skin stain with tears that run down her neck and disappear in her shirt. Her lip quivers when she sees me. A tear spring in her eyes, and another one follows. Her running mascara expands on her cheeks. She clutches one hand against the door and the other covering her mouth, sobbing uncontrollably.
My heart goes out for her as I take her in my arms; her perfume flooding my senses. I may not know her well as Nicole, but she's made me feel just as welcomed. And hugging her crying figure strengths the care I have for her. Hugs do that to you; create a special bond no one else can share. A step for growth and fondness. A whole filling up again. It's hard to think a smile like Rachel's can hide so much pain, but not impossible to imagine.
I hush her sobs and whisper encouraging words in her ear. She cries louder, muffled by my shirt. "You're okay, Rach," I say. "Don't let him screw you over."
She hiccups, and rubs her cheeks. "I'm the idiot who wanted him to since year twelve."
I rub her back as we make our way onto her blue cover sheets. She rests her head on my thigh and closes her eyes. We sit in silence, surrounded by white and blue, orange and red. The dorm is much smaller than mine and Noah's, only fitting one desk instead of two. Yet, enough room for a sleepover of six.
Rachel's fiery hair contrasts dramatically against her sheets. It's silky to the touch, but rough on the edges. Rachel sighs as my fingers continue to stroke her strands.
"We promised we wouldn't grow attached to each other. Sort of make it easier if one of us wanted to break it off. I thought he changed since high school. My god, I told him I loved him."
I know not to ask, but I do anyway. "And what did he say?"
She opens her eyes. "Nothing, he just avoided me. He said he needed time, but I knew there was something else. Nicole warned me. She told me he isn't the type to form bonds with the people he sleeps with. I thought she was joking. I know Jesse. But then Nicole told me he liked me too. He was too scared to admit it.
"I went to his room last night 'cause I wanted him to know that I meant what I said. I told him I was tired of dancing around this...whatever this was, and I knew he liked me. He didn't wanna hear it; he just wanted me to leave. And I pushed the door open and went in his room..." She breaks off with a chock. "He had a girl in his bed with only her jeans on."
I let her sobs cover the silence between us.
"I didn't scream. The room was quiet. I think the girl got scared though." She swallows and picks the skin around her thumb. Her voice quietens. "I think he was more stunned than hurt when I pushed him away from me. I told him it was over, and when I left he said nothing happened. He tried to get me to listen to him but I couldn't." Her eyes go wide. "Lil, you should've seen his face."
I rub her shoulders.
"I got so mad this morning 'cause he had the audacity to tell me what happened last night was out of his hands. That she spilled a drink on her shirt and he let her borrow a shirt of his."
Rachel reaches over the desk beside her and grabs her ruined kebab. She passes me the plate. "Do you want some? There's no more cheese left."
I take the plate out of her hands. "When you threw him out, what did you want him to admit? You said he couldn't tell you. Maybe confess to you...?"
Rachel shifts and lays back on my thigh. "I know he thinks about me. I'm not that naïve." She gives me a small smile. "But, I wanted to hear them from his lips. I wanted to hear him say the words. He couldn't say them, he just said I sorta do, and then tried to kiss me. I kicked him out."
"Do you still love him?"
She turns her head away from me. "I'm trying hard not to."
I rub her shoulder. "But you do."
Rachel sighs. "If he'd apologies, I'd take him back. If he told me he loves me and claim to have felt this way for...I'd be so happy. If he—if he told me those nights spent together was much more than just a fling. If he ever tells me how much he really cares..."
It's sad to see two people in love, unaware how requited the other feels. Maybe it's the timing of it all. Maybe they'd be together by now. If Jesse isn't stubborn and gets his pride out of the way. If Rachel takes a moment for herself to see through her eyes, maybe they won't be as broken. It's silly and messed up. Emotions cloud people's judgement and destroy motivation. It blinds reality and offers hope on a silver platter. Foolish hope. The real world becomes a little more bitter when you return to it.
A hand gently touches my own. With tears in her eyes, Rachel smiles. "I'm sorry for ranting on like that. But, you're right. It helped." I squeeze her hand, and she says, "I don't think Nicole would understand. She loves her brother—uh, step-brother. They grew up together, and she's protective of him."
"She cares about you, too," I say.
"I know." She shrugs. "But, I can't help it. If she had to pick between us, she'd pick him."
"Don't say stuff like that, Rachel. How long have you known her for?"
"Same year as Jesse," Rachel says. "Maybe a month before I met him."
I shake my head. "You're over exaggerating. She loves you just as much. You're no one's second. You'll never be."
Rachel kisses my cheek. "Thank you. You're amazing, Lillian."
I give her a smile, but not as genuine as I want to be. Amazing isn't what I would describe myself as, probably not anytime soon. Rachel has a sweet persona, and probably doesn't have that great of a childhood if she was looking for someone to take her mind off of things. I want to know more about her family—was her parent's nice to her?—and if she felt just as lonely.
Rachel gets up from the bed and shakes herself off. "Whoa, what a way to let it out. I feel better. Don't you feel better?"
I give her a smile, but the tightness around my lips doesn't make it as genuine as I wanted it to. "You can always come and talk to me." I take her hand and squeeze it gently. "I'll listen, I promise. Don't hide away from the people who care about you. Not even from Nicole."
Rachel tilts her head. "Kay. And same to you. If you just need to talk or need something, just ask. We girls need to stick together. Life is too cruel for a solo mission."
"Actually," I say, slowly, biting my lower lip. "There is something you can do for me." I swallow at the way she devotes her attention to me. "I need a dress; something that's classy for dinner."
She looks at me expectantly. "Do you have a date?"
"No...no, it's just something between friends."
She opens her closet and runs her hands through the ones hanging up. "Something classy for a platonic date? Ha! Come on, who's the guy? Do I know him?"
I can lie to her; I can tell her she doesn't know him, he's not someone she's seen before. That he's one of those guys that notices you and thinks you're pretty and would want to date you. But, Rachel's looking at me expectantly, vulnerable and fragile.
And then I remember Noah and his desperation to keep this a secret. I'm finally getting through those walls; I can't screw it up.
"He's a friend I made here. He says there's this restaurant he wants to go to, and he thought I might like to go with him."
Thankfully, Rachel doesn't ask any questions. She's grinning from ear to ear while her fingers pick and push dresses out of the way. I feel guilty for lying to her, but I can't take what I said back. It's done. Move on.
Rachel comes back with a shake of her head. "I have nothing. I really don't go for classic looks, I'm more prints and jeans. Nicole should have heaps though."
A stubborn part of me refused to ask Nicole for help. Not because she intimidates me, but because she might see right through my lie.
When I'm about to tell Rachel to forget about it, her expression beams. "Wanna go shopping?"
"Uh... do you think that'll work?"
She takes my hand in hers and squeezes it gently. "Shopping can cure any kind of negativity, unless you're broke. But you need a dress and I need to spend some money. It's a win-win situation."
I nod, and she pulls me into a hug. I wait only a few seconds to respond. I never really had friends before; at least, not ones that have their own independent mind. With the way things are going, I have to say I'm not that far from missing out.
A/n: I AM TOTALLY LOSING IT WATTPAD AWARDS ARE JUST AROUND THE CORNER YOU GUYS!
I really want to participate, but my stories have been written before 2016. The only one that I started working on is Finding Solitude... I need to update at least 3 more chapters to be eligible.
Ugh I'll be honest, some days I just think I'm that one-hit-wonder because of Dr210.
Anyways, hope you enjoy the rest of the story xx