I have never written about love as much as I have in this book. I keep doubting, am I capable of writing about Xavier and Grayson's love?
But someone told me that me writing such strong emotions has nothing to do with my own experiences. It has everything to do with the individual capacity to feel and to love. And I think it is beautiful and something I will always hold on to. Thank you IlamMalik. Grateful to have you.
"Grayson."
I called out. Or perhaps I think I did. My tongue felt too scratchy and heavy to lift.
Slowly, my eyes opened. For several minutes I kept gazing at my unfamiliar surroundings. The white walls. The soft glow of the lights. The scent of antiseptics. I was in a hospital. Although, I couldn't tell for sure. Had I survived?
My chest felt tight. My nose and throat sore. My body felt stiff.
A dull ache pulsated throughout my body. I was in pain. I took it as a sign that I was alive. Barely breathing, but holding on.
"Gray...?"
I spoke again. This time, I was sure I had managed to make some coherent noise. It took me a while to become aware of a strong, warm presence near my bed. My hands were enclosed gently into familiar, warm ones.
"Gray?"
Finally, I opened my eyes fully. My dizzy brain slowly focussed on the startling green eyes.
I felt a lurch to my navel. Like I was suddenly pulled back into reality.
"Xavier." His voice was soft. Feeble. I was aware of his soft, warm lips gently kissing my temple before he leaned back and gazed at me, his hands on mine. His thumb stroking circles on the back of it.
"What... happened?" I croaked out, every word agonizing to my body.
"It doesn't matter now," he said. I was shocked to see his face as it finally came into focus. His eyes were bloodshot. His hair dishevelled. His features emaciated. Like he had been homeless for days.
"Gray..." I whispered, my heart lurching from an agony that had nothing to do with the multiple wounds.
"I'm right here, baby." He gently brushed his lips across my fingertips, stroking a thumb assuringly on the back of my hand.
I took a deep breath, the gesture sending pain shooting up my body. He rose to his feet, his hand slipping out of mine. I glanced at him in alarm. Terrified. Why was he leaving?
However, he simply made his way towards the door and called for someone. Before my palpitating heart started running erratically, he was back. His hand returning in mine. He sat silently as an unfamiliar man in a white coat arrived, followed by two nurses. I remained quiet. Letting them check my vitals and answering their questions politely. Finally, they left. I had a million questions, but I decided they could wait.
"What... happened?" I asked and gazed at Grayson again, my heart breaking at the look on his face. He looked agonized beyond anything I had ever seen. His eyes the chasms of darkness with shadows so profound that they seemed to overpower the raven of the darkest night. Like he was defeated. It was hard to imagine strong, immaculate Grayson Shelby had broken into shambles. For me.
"Rosalie shot you," he spoke softly. "Scarlett arrived and...she shot her. On her arm. There was some altercation but-" he took a shuddering breath, glancing away from me. His eyes glistening. His next words barely above a whisper. "I can't believe you left me, Xavier."
"I didn't," I whispered back.
"But you were going to."
I tried to lighten the mood. Watching him broken was ripping me. "Hey, I just survived three gunshots. You're not allowed to-"
I shut up. I felt like someone had impaled my heart with a white-hot dagger.
He buried his face on the mattress. His entire body shaking as he trembled with sobs.
"Gray-"
"It was so fucking bad, Xavier. So fucking dark...like...like every good thing from me was gone...like..."
I gazed helplessly as his shoulders trembled further. "I'll die without you, Xavier. I'm not that strong. I can't do it. I can't. I've lost too much already. Not you too."
"Gray..." I turned slightly to my side, gently stroking his dark hair as he continued.
"I thought I'd lost you, Xavier. I can't...I can't fathom the thought of a world without you. I couldn't breathe in it."
"I'm right here, love," I whispered, feeling my own eyes well up. My chest tightening. I remembered when I had thought that my existence wouldn't matter to anyone. That I would merely be an unmarked grave. The thought was comforting in the way that I wasn't responsible for anyone else's happiness.
But somehow, knowing how much effect I had on him, filled me with more strength than I thought I could ever have. A sense of self-worth that I could pathetically never have myself.
He had been right. Our relationship was a curse for our job. How could I go on such life-threatening missions when I was so afraid of leaving him? When I always looked forward to going home to him? There was no way.
He sobbed into the mattress as I stroked his hair lovingly. I didn't know how to comfort it. The intensity of my love for him was terrifying me. He was the one I had thought about even when I had floated timelessly in the midst of life and death. He was the one that had made me want to survive.
"I love you, Gray," I whispered. My solitary certainty in the void of unknown.
He was quiet, sniffing softly. He gazed up at me finally as he straightened. At that moment, I felt the world dissolving away into an alien abyss. The dull ache in my body fading to nothing. He was my anchor to this earth.
"You're fucking killing me, Xavier," he whispered.
"I'm sorry."
He shook his head slightly, leaning forward and kissing the tip of my nose. He kissed my forehead. My cheeks. My eyelids. I found my entire body tingling after he leaned back from his tender touch.
"Thank you for coming back to me," he spoke in a strangled voice.
"I always will," I whispered back, my heart bleeding.
"If you don't keep that promise...I'll...I'll...." He shut his eyes and took a shuddering breath. His jaw was set when he opened them. No mischievous twinkle in the emerald that I so loved. "I'll kill you, Xavier Easton."
I chuckled softly, tingles of pain bolting up my body.
"Xavier," he began, "move in with me."
My heart stopped. I sucked in a sharp breath. I blinked rapidly. "What?"
He kissed my cheek. "Move in with me."
He didn't flinch, didn't stutter when he said those words. He sounded so sure.
"I thought my brain was affected," I giggled stupidly, realizing that the effect of the pain killers hadn't worn off yet.
"The last few hours were the most agonizing hours of my life. I'm not going to lose any more time with you. Move in with me. Please."
I leaned back and gazed at him. I could barely hear my own thoughts over my pounding heart. Moving in with him?
Waking up to him every morning. I'd be able to hear his voice, breathe in his scent, feel his warmth every single day. I could touch him. Kiss him. Hold him. I had already made him my home.
"What about...your divorce?" I asked softly.
He sighed. "I...it doesn't matter. She lives with some other guy anyway." His eyes widened suddenly as he shook his head. "I'm not...I'm not going to make you some sloppy second, Xavier. I...want to stay with you. Every fucking second. I mean not like a stalker or...I mean..." he started spluttering nervously. "I mean if you think we're moving too fast we can take a step back. I mean I thought before we marry-" his eyes widened further, his cheeks flaming as my heart leapt to my throat. "- I mean not that I'm asking you now. I won't marry you. I mean I won't marry you now. But I mean someday in the future maybe. If you want of course not like-"
I leaned forward and kissed him softly. "I'll do any fucking thing you want, Grayson Shelby."
His face turned beet red and he averted my eyes.
"You're fucking cute." I marvelled and started laughing. The action made my side hurt, but I didn't care.
He gazed at me with his tender, affectionate eyes that made me want to melt into him.
I laughed long and hard, relieved. When I was done, I lay flat on my back, sidling closer to him. He leaned down and gently kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes at his touch. I sighed, "I kinda leave my stuff lying about for days before I put it back in place."
He chuckled. "Okay. I'll put it back for you."
"I snack in the middle of the night sometimes."
He shook his head. "Who doesn't?"
"You're not allowed to react if I fart."
He laughed hard. "I'll bear that in mind."
"I get the television."
He shrugged. "Don't watch it anyway."
"Now you can't."
He smirked. "You're getting really bossy."
"Yes," I admitted humbly.
He kissed the tip of my nose, stroking the hair off my forehead gently. "Okay."
I sighed, "You'll spoil me."
"Yes." He was quiet, his fingers intertwining with mine. "I'm...not very easy to live with either." I raised my head and gazed at him curiously as he continued. "I wake up at the crack of the dawn. Like really early and...it's annoying I guess."
I was quiet. I had a feeling there would be a time when I would have to reply, but this wasn't it.
"And...I don't know I mean..." he sighed. My heart twisted in pain when I saw the fear, the dark shadows manifesting behind his eyes. "I...am out a lot. And I'm not exactly rich. So I don't know. I mean I don't know how long you could...put up with that."
His voice broke, ripping my heart in two. I knew he had no idea how madly I loved him. He would never have had these doubts if he did know. But there would be time. I'd let him get used to me and my love.
I tenderly caressed his cheek, turning his face to look at me. "Gray. I'm not a bloodsucking, insensitive, vile, selfish, manipulative bitch." I took a deep breath, looking into the eyes of the man I would give my life for. "I'm just a guy who loves you more than you can imagine...and bottoms like a pro."
He burst out laughing, his eyes twinkling as he shook his head. "You're...really..."
I chuckled, leaning towards him and kissing him softly. "You'll always be enough for me, Grayson. You'll always be everything I need. I promise."
He gulped, his eyes swimming with emotion. "You know that...I love you more than anything as well. You know that right?"
I nodded, my heart full as I gazed at him. "I always did."
He smiled. "Bit presumptuous."
"I don't see you denying," I smirked.
My eyes fluttered close, the dull ache pulsating chaotically through me. But Grayson was here. I knew I was safe now. It was over. We could be together.
My future was still uncertain. But with him, I knew it would be beautiful. And if it wasn't, I would still have him. And he would have my heart, for as long as it beats.
I was home.
Looks like everything is sorted out for Xavier.
But not everything is as it seems. Read the next chapters (uploading soon) to find out!
Sugar Baby will finish this weekend. Here's a hug for all the support ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ
Also
Spank that star you guys!