OLIVIA'S APARTMENT...
Although the day had been an exhausting one, Olivia got home that night feeling more restless than she ever had in her life.
After re-arming the security system, she shut the door and walked in to the dark apartment; she'd been here long enough that she no longer needed light to navigate it and with a tired sigh she dropped her bag onto the armchair along with her coat and scarf before taking a seat on the sofa and letting out a deep, nervous breath.
"It's so quiet" she said to no one, feeling the sting of tears beginning to fill her eyes as she tucked a lock of loose hair that had escaped from the messy ponytail she'd thrown her hair into at the hospital behind her ear. She was still in scrubs - she hadn't bothered to change after the delivery and now she wished she would have; simply looking down at the pale pink pajama-like ensemble sent a torrent of thoughts racing through her head, thoughts that she didn't want to deal with right now.
She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and blew out another deep breath as she closed her eyes; her mind had already said it and now her heart felt it too - she'd lost her. seeing Noelle in Amanda's arms, seeing the way Amanda looked at her daughter - she'd fallen in love and Olivia couldn't blame her, Noelle was perfect; six pounds, four ounces of exquisite perfection from the top of her head to her tiny little toes...
"I gambled and I lost; what else is new?" she said then laughed at the irony before she burst into tears, weeping silently as she buried her face in her hands. She allowed herself to cry for a moment before she raised her head and swatted at her tears as she took a shaky breath - she needed to get out of here!
***
BRIAN'S APARTMENT...
"Hold on, I'm coming!" he yelled to whoever was pounding on his door as he made his way to answer it. Angrily, he flung it open but immediately softened when he saw Olivia standing on the other side looking up at him with her huge brown eyes and he could see that she'd been crying.
"Liv! Everything ok?"
"Can you please not need more?" she asked
"What's going on? Is it the baby, did something-"
"No questions, no talking, just...don't need more!" she said as she walked in and tossed her coat onto the floor "I just need to stop thinking!" she said and pulled off her shirt, barely getting it over her head before Brian pulled her close and kissed her hard as he slammed he back against the wall and dropped to his knees, pulling down her pants and panties. She grabbed his hair and threw her head back, gasping when she felt his mouth on her, then, a guttural moan tearing from her throat when he pushed his fingers inside her. She came hard against the wall as her legs turned to Jello and collapsed beneath her, sending her falling to the floor where he fucked her to another orgasm within minutes then carried her to the bedroom where they continued, wordlessly for the better part of the night until she'd depleted every ounce of his energy and he lay snoring while she lay wide awake, her mind racing with the very thoughts she'd come here to forget.
...
When the sun came up, she slipped out of bed, threw on her clothes and left while Brian was still asleep. He would wake up a couple hours later to a text that simply said "Thanks."
.
OLIVIA'S APARTMENT...
Olivia arrived home just after 7:30 that morning, the silence of the apartment already bothering her as she hung her coat.
"Get used to it Benson" she told herself then headed to the bathroom for a shower.
After blow drying her hair, Olivia stopped and took a long look at herself in the bathroom mirror and for the first time in her life, she wished that she could have been a selfish person. She'd loved Elliot with the entirety of her soul but for years she'd put his family's needs above her own and eventually lost him. she never thought anything could hurt so much yet here she was again with her heart torn to pieces because she couldn't put her own needs first and she needed Noelle! There was no doubt in her mind that Amanda would be a wonderful mother and she didn't hold it against her for wanting to keep Noelle she understood but it didn't stop it from hurting any less. One look at that baby and she'd lost her heart to her.
"Olivia, why did you let yourself want this?" she asked herself as a torrent of tears made their way down her face but she quickly wiped them away, determined that she wouldn't cry. She was startled when the phone pierced the silence and she quickly reached to answer it, seeing that it was Amanda.
"Hey, everything ok?" she asked, trying to sound cheerful.
"Yeah, we're good" Amanda said as she looked down at Noelle who was again, happily feeding from her breast. They'd spent practically the entire night bonding this way; Amanda talking to the infant during and between feedings, even when Noelle would close her little eyes and drift off to sleep - she never put her down from the moment Olivia put her in her arms and she had eventually fallen asleep cradling her.
"Actually, I was wonderin if you could come... I need to see you"
Olivia's heart dropped, she could feel what was coming.
"Um, yeah, I'll get dressed and be right over" Olivia said and ended the call. She suddenly had a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach as she took a deep breath to stop the tears that were threatening to spill but breathing did more harm than good and the sick feeling was now hard-hitting nausea that sent her to her knees in a nervous fit and made her vomit.
After Olivia had dressed and left her bedroom. She stopped in the hall and stared at the door to Noelle's nursery. She didn't dare open it knowing that it would be too painful for her to look inside; instead she put her hand against the door for a moment, and as she turned to walk away, she made a mental note to arrange to have all of the clothes and furniture delivered to Amanda's apartment before tonight since Amanda had nothing there for Noelle.
***
HOSPITAL...
It was a little after 9am when Olivia got to the hospital and entered Amanda's room to find her sitting up in bed with Noelle in her arms even though her heart was breaking, she couldn't help but smile.
"Now that's a beautiful sight" she said after snapping a picture. Amanda looked up at her and smiled.
"Hey, you made it!"
"Sounded important... hey baby girl" Olivia said softly to Noelle as she smiled down at her, the infant turning her head in Olivia's direction at the sound of her voice, causing the pain in Olivia's heart to worsen.
Just breathe! She reminded herself as she nervously took a seat on the bed.
"So what's going on?" she asked
"The doctor says we can go home." Amanda told her
"You must be happy to be getting out of here"
"Relieved actually... Liv, I wanna thank you"
"For what?" Olivia asked.
"For everything" Amanda said with teary eyes "Especially for making me see how stupid I was being."
"Stupid is a pretty harsh word"
"I suppose... you know, I haven't put her down all night... I haven't stopped talking to her all night."
"She's a pretty good listener" she joked through her tears, she and Amanda both smiled.
"I had to tell her how sorry I am for everything I tried..." Amanda stopped to wipe her tears before she looked down at her daughter. "And to make sure that she knows how much she's loved; how much I'll always love her... but I can't be her momma, that job's already filled" she sobbed. Olivia looked at her, completely shocked; had she heard her right?
"Are you sure about this?" Olivia could barely speak above a whisper
"I can't be what she needs"
"Amanda..."
"No, Liv, it's okay; I love her with all my heart... but I still can't bring myself to want her and I hate that I'm selfish enough to feel that way."
"You're not; you're just trying to do what's right for your daughter."
"I told you, I was just growin her for you." Olivia reached out and wiped Amanda's tears as they both smiled "And please don't ask me again if I'm sure because believe me, there is no way in hell I'd let her go if I weren't a thousand percent sure that you are the absolute best thing this world has to offer her!" neither of the two women could stop crying at this point.
"I swear to you, she'll be in good hands" Olivia promised
"I know." Amanda said as she squeezed Olivia's hand before turning her attention back to Noelle. "Hey babydoll. It's time for you and me to say goodbye to each other. I want you to be a good girl for your momma okay? Cuz you got the best one any kid could ever hope to have...but you'll see that as you grow. So um... I don't know, eat your veggies and clean your room... don't miss curfew and absolutely NEVER let anyone in your life who isn't worthy of being there! I love you, even after you forget me, I will always love you no matter where I am in the world!"
She ran her fingers through Noelle's thick mass of hair, paying special attention to the patch of pure white that stood out against the black and she had a brief flash of that night but just as quickly, she shook it off and planted a ton of kisses on Noelle's tiny face and head.
"I'm ready" she said to Olivia, kissing her baby one last time before she carefully transferred her to Olivia's arms
"It doesn't have to be goodbye" Olivia said through her tears.
"Yes it does" Amanda whispered. Olivia, while holding Noelle, wrapped her other arm around Amanda and held her tight, the two of them sobbing in each others' embrace.