Nostalgia.
It's delicate, but potent.
In Greek, "Nostalgia"
Literally means "the pain of an old wound".
It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful
Than a memory alone -
A feeling of a place where we ache to go again.
-Unknown
~~
I felt that after three hours of consistent video-gaming, that I needed to go outside. It seemed I was pretty good at the Sonic games and the Mario Kart too, I mean, Ben seemed pretty pissed when he held a long losing streak in those elements.
When it came to Call Of Duty and Black Ops however, I was pretty shit. I couldn't stand the xBox controller. It was too confusing.
I decided to leave Ben to his gaming and go visit check on the horses. I had changed out of my pyjamas and slipped on a black hoodie and jeans for the walk.
It took me only ten minutes to reach the small farm just outside the suburban area. I felt a warm glow in my heart as I slipped through the wooden fence into the paddock. The horses noticed straight away of my presence due to Faith's protective look out of the small herd they had.
They pause and stare at me until I pushed my hood back and let out the whistle to let them know it was okay to greet me. So without hesitating this time, they begin to canter over to me as I start to walk towards them also.
Jester was the first to reach me, digging his nose into my stomach and wiggling his lips playfully. I giggle slightly as it was an adorable gesture from him, and it tickled me.
"Hey Jess." I coo as I ruffle his forelock resulting in the coloured horse to sigh heavily in pleasure.
After I say hello to the horses, I pull Miracle out of the group separately to begin a slight refresh session. As she was the youngest of the group, she was likely to forget the tricks I'd taught her for the show.
I felt a strange feeling however.
I felt I was being watched.
Shaking off this, I decide instead of retraining her in six months time, I thought it'd be more beneficial if I kept slight memory for her on what to do.
"You ready doll face?" I ask her by her nickname in a babyish voice and laughing when she tilts her head slightly in confusion to the change of tone.
I click my tongue and pat my thigh as I start to walk away from the herd. Miracle realises the signal and trots to catch up to my side like I asked. She was growing fast, seeing as she was just old enough to be considered an adult now, but she seemed to have a late growth spurt.
So as I looked over to see the glossy cream coat of Miracle, I noticed how it glistened and shone in the daylight when her lanky body moved. Her muscles were only just started to show, so she wasn't at her prime yet.
She slowed to a sharp walking stride beside me and lowered her head to the point where it lines up with my shoulders.
We walked to a small flat patch of the paddock that overlooked the fence which separated the road and the paddock, giving us a good view of passing cars.
If someone is watching me, I'll be able to see them.
Grow up, as if someone would be following you.
I tugged my hood back over my head as the clouds darkened ever so slightly, letting a very light drizzle of rain cascade from the skies.
I stand in front of the eager filly, looking her dead in the eyes. I give her a hand signal, motioning two fingers to my eyes and then to hers.
Seeing I had her full attention, I quickly dart away from her quivering body, bubbling with energy.
She's quick to react, her legs springing to life and catching up to my escaping figure.
We play 'chase' all the time before a refresh session. Learning to relax and get comfortable with the area around us.
"C'mon doll, you've done better." I taunt with a grin, flashing a smile behind my shoulder at the fast-paced horse gaining ground towards me, so I pump my legs a bit more to stand even some form of chance against the four-legged animal.
I begin to dart around, trying to confuse her and lose her from my track, running towards the spot where we started in the beginning.
Only a few metres from the spot I hear her heavy feet against the ground, thundering in a pace recognised as a canter. I don't last long after she changed into this pace, as I feel a small shove in the shoulder by the golden horse herself.
I stop dead in my tracks and spin around to face her. Her dark eyes staring straight at me with a playful essence radiating from inside them.
"I'm it." I laugh at her as she remembers this. It's now her turn to run and me to chase. So without a moment longer, she scrambles around and away from me at a flat out gallop me groaning in the process.
That's not fair, I can't run that fast.
I watch as she slows to a stop a couple yards away and turns her head as if to say, "well?"
"I'm not chasing you if you're gonna play like that!" I yell out to her and she lowers her head down low to the grass. "C'mon!"
I motion my hand to come back but she stays still.
A noise behind me causes me to shiver but I don't turn to look as it sounds a fair distance away.
I whistle the short then long whistle to her and she stamps her foot, turning around and then finally gets over my stubbornness and cantering swiftly up the hill.
"That's a good girl," I murmur as she slows to a stop in front of me.
I turn around to face the road and ask Miracle to stand in front of me, she does quickly and nuzzles into the crook of my neck, saying sorry.
I smile softly to myself and bring my arms up to wrap around the soft golden neck, and Miracle takes this opportunity to reach further over my body and push me closer to her chest from my shoulder blades.
I close my eyes for a moment. Taking this in. Miracle was actually creating a nice, simple affectionate gesture.
This is what I do all this for.
Moments like this.
My eyelids flutter open and as my eyes flicker to the road.
What the-?
There, leaning against the fence was a dark dressed figure. I couldn't see who the person was, but they were quite tall.
They were dressed similar to myself, black skinny jeans and a dark coloured jacket. They were wearing a beanie, enabling me from identifying their hair colour and facial features from the distance I was at.
I was right, there was someone following me.
I felt as though I should go towards the figure, just as someone would in a horror film, but I felt that it was a bad idea.
Just ignore it, they'll go away.
Taking in a sharp breath, I pull away from the embrace and cue Miracle to bow with me.
Let's begin.
~~
Miracle and I had been training for two hours now and I decided it was time to finish.
I was proud of what she's learnt so far. She's got all the basics done, and even a few new tricks in progress.
To cool off, I thought I might go on a little ride. So I asked her to stand still as I vaulted on her lean back. She squirmed slightly at the sudden movement but settled.
"Good girl." I mumble, rubbing her neck. She seems happy with the encouragement, so I give her a gentle squeeze with my legs and she walks eagerly forward, despite the long session before.
I begin to guide her with my legs. Turning left, turning right. Getting her to adjust to the unusual steering method.
With her being a Quarter Horse, she had extremely smooth gates, her trot being the best for bareback. So once I felt she was ready, I pushed her into a nice working trot.
Instead of letting my arms drop to my sides during this ride, I held them airplane-like up. To centralise myself. Mainly to feel the air slip through my fingertips though, to feel freedom of this.
I keep my body subtle and quiet through the bumpiest type of gate a horse has. My hoodie somehow stays in place as I bounce thankfully.
The stranger is still there.
I don't know why however.
Creep.
"Steady does it doll," I mutter under my breath as I ask her to canter. I sneak a quick glance at the figure leaning against the fence and they seem intrigued.
I lean back in the canter and drive her into a circle to keep a controlled canter. Her movements are heavy as she isn't as light-footed as Jester or Echo but as she lifts her legs in each stride she forms a smoother, less bouncy, ride.
"Should we go down there?" I mumble to her as I try to concentrate on the circle and getting Miracle to bend. Sucking in a breath, I move off the circle and down the hill away from the road so the stranger couldn't see us.
"Screw it." I murmur as I slow to a stop and turn her to face the hill top again.
Let's get a good look at him.
I give an almighty squeeze on the trembling filly, she bursts right out from underneath me but I anticipated this. So all I do is clutch her mane and lean low on her mane, hiding. I steer her around the hill, just circling around.
I feel her legs brush against mine as she powers on, head high. We come into view of the road, on the right side of the hill, at an blind gallop. I see that the stranger had turned to leave but shot around at the return of us.
They stare directly at us in a frozen stance and I make sure I'm not revealing any of my face, burying it in Miracle's long golden mane.
"Let's get real close." I whisper into the overwhelmed creature as she puts half her effort into her precision of footing, trying hard to look pretty as she runs.
We take a sharp turn left as we reach the white painted fence line, racing right along the edge of the paddock, my leg barely fitting between the fence and Miracle's side.
We fly past the stranger, who was still frozen in their position.
I don't think he saw me.
But I saw him.
And I regret doing it.
Luke.
~~
He had changed so much.
He had now grown even taller which made me annoyed. His eyes were wide when I flew past on the heaving filly with her head held high. His eyes held some many memories, the chilling blue eyes catching my breath and stopping my heart. Miracle must've known it was Luke, she remembered him and acted like she did.
Stupid tall tree boy.
I can still picture what he looked like as I slide off Miracle's damp back behind the hill again. His blonde hair was poking out at the edges of the grey beanie. His pink lips parted slightly as he gawked at the speed of the cream horse and I. His hands hanging by his side in a deer-caught-in-headlights position.
His facial features changed. They had grown more defined, and his jawline more like Jack and Ben's, but not as wide.
He looked as perfect as ever. Like nothing had ever fazed him.
Shut up. You don't like him anymore, remember what he did to you?
Yeah, but-
He left you Shiloh, and he didn't look back.
I don-
He left you.
My shoulders slump as I walk to the homestead, exhausted. Miracle got the message and wandered off back to the herd after I have her a kiss on her muzzle.
Luke looked tired too.
Liz must've woken him up.
He has slept through most of the day.
I shiver slightly at the cold breeze that had started to pick up as I walk through the wooden paddock gate. My shoes create a crunching sound against the gravel pavement.
I decide it'd be best if I start to head back to the house now, so I pick up my walking pace and draw the sleeves of my hoodie into my palms into sweater paws.
The sun was only just starting to set as I fold my arms around my stomach, trying to preserve somewhat heat I had under my hoodie as I trudged along the concrete road towards the Hemmings household.
I thought I might tell Ben I'd be on my way home now, just so he could help sneak me in. I crack a smile as I see his contact name he'd put in.
To Jerry :
Coming home now.
We had joked earlier in the morning how his name reminded me of the ice cream brand, so he must've thought it'd be worth a contact name.
It only takes a few more minutes of walking up the long road to the house that he responds.
From Jerry :
I unlocked the window in your room for you.
Sneaky hot spy is going to make another surprise appearance I predict. As I hard as I try, I can't help my mind from dawdling into thinking about Luke.
Goddamnit I forgot to bring my head phones.
I kick my foot out at the ground in frustration and stop at the sight of paper on the ground, frowning. It looks dirty after being on the ground but it's fine despite that.
I examine the back of the picture, not bothering the front. It has a tinged colouring due to wearing, but I can identify the permanent marker's writing.
Keep our promises.
I scrunch my face up in confusion. The handwriting was familiar.
Then it hits me.
My guitar.
My fingers begin to tremble as I flip the Polaroid over to the side which contained the captured memory. This must've been the side that laid against the dirt, it was covered in dust.
I rub my thumb over the square of hidden colour, my heart beating quicker by the minute.
Well shit Luke.
There we were. Grinning like fools into the camera lens. I remember this moment clear as water.
~
"I can't reach" I groan as I stare angrily at the branch that was just out of reach and the guys chuckle.
"Shut up" I mumble and I sneak a glance at Luke who was now walking to me with a smirk. The others were now advancing towards me as well with evil grins.
"Wait, what are you do-" I shriek the end as Calum and Michael bend down to lift my legs up and I clutch their shoulders to regain balance, they then lift me high over Luke's shoulders and letting me down there.
Evil little shits.
"Can you reach now?" I swear I can practically hear Luke's smirk through his words.
"Yes." I mumble grumpily and Ashton walks to us and chucks the lights to me.
"Sorry if I'm a bit heavy." I apologise to Luke just in case he's struggling, I know for a fact that Luke doesn't hit the gym like other guys, he's a bit young to do that just yet in my opinion.
I'm not exactly the lightest girl in the world compared to the girls at my school either, and sometimes that gets to me.
"Chill, Shiloh you're fine." Luke reassures me and I sigh as I lift my arms to start hanging the lights up on every few branches and I really try my hardest to make it look even and perfect.
This could possibly be the start of a new memory, a new life and this had to be perfect.
"Alright I'm done." I tell Luke as soon as I'm satisfied with what I've done.
"Nope." he replies calmly.
What does he mean?
"What." I deadpan in a low tone.
"I think you should stay up here for a while-" he says in a cheeky voice and I simply look down at him.
"Luke..." I warn while tugging a few strands of his silky hair gently and he chuckles, the boys seem to have caught attention now and are looking with grins, Ashton pulling out my Polaroid.
"What are ya gonna do then Shiloh?" He teases and I laugh at this as I cover his eyes with my hands with a smart-ass smile.
"You were a clutz before, how are you gonna move with my hands over your eyes?" I sass him and I hear a click of my Polaroid camera.
~
This seemed so far away. So long ago. I couldn't stand the sight of this picture. I looked so different then I was back then. My hair had been dyed ombré since then, and I had taken a leap of faith and bought green coloured contacts.
I stuff the stupid picture in my hoodie pocket as I trudge along the road once more.
It took me another ten minutes to reach the household again, so I duck low and sneak behind the house.
I spot my window immediately and notice the latch to lock the frame is loosened. I stand up from the low position and jog over to the glass. It take me a few attempts to finally reach up and open the window fully.
"Curse my height." I groan to myself as I look around for an object to stand on.
Midget.
I spot a milk crate by the drain and grab it without hesitating, chucking it under the window sill and scrambling onto it.
'Three, two, one.' I count in my head and hoist myself up into the room through the small space.
I land safely into the room and look around to see nothing changed. I had hid all items which could lead back to my identity in places around my room. Just incase a curious blonde giant checked the room.
To Jerry :
I'm in my room, I found something
Within seconds I hear the heavy footsteps outside my door and the secret word Ben and I had come up with.
He enters the room quickly and sits on my bed.
"Hey." I smile at him and he throws a weak smile back, my smiling dropping. "What's wrong?"
"Luke threw a fit when he came home an hour ago." He spits out in distaste, as if whatever Luke had said hurt him.
"What about?" I raise an eyebrow. Ben runs a hand threw his hair.
"He lost his stupid picture of you he keeps in his wallet." Ben rolls his eyes and I bring a hand into my pocket, not pulling the picture just yet.
"What'd he do?" I mutter and Ben shrugs.
"He went crazy, swearing and punching the wall a couple times. Kept going on about; 'it's the only thing I have left of her' and 'that's all I had'." Ben buries his head in his hands. I take this opportunity to pull the paper out of my hoodie.
"Like this one?" I suggest and he looks up as I hold the Polaroid out to him.
"Exactly like that one," Ben trails off until he snatches it from my hands, realisation hitting him. "Where'd you find this?"
"Found it on the way home." I keep the answer short. "Do you know where he went this afternoon?"
"He never tells us, just looking for you of course." Ben furrows his eyebrows.
"Well he found me Ben," I tell him. "But I didn't let him recognise me."
"Where were you?" Ben says surprised.
"I was out in the paddock practicing with one of the horses and he must've been walking past and stopped to watch. He stayed the entire time. It was only at the end when I got on the horse and galloped past to see who was watching me for two hours straight." I look to the floor. "Turns out Luke found me, but I had a hoodie over my head and I hid my face in the horse's neck so he couldn't see me."
"Smart." Ben nods, fiddling with his hands. "Keep your distance next time, just in case."
Believe me, I will.
And this time, he won't even get close.
~~
Long chapter to make up for the skip of Saturday last week ^.^
I was completely busy buying puppy things on those days ;)
But I hope this made up for it :)
Good news however, I got a good report card ( 6 A's and the rest B's ) !
Expect things to get interesting in the next chapters.
Remember to Vote, Comment and Share!
-Ash xx