*Author's Note: There is a possible trigger warning for this chapter and a little bit of sexual content.
Ari's P.O.V.
Even with it being the dead of night, and dark as shit outside, that didn't stop me from trying to make it to the park. Not even when I began hearing the rustling sounds of something moving in the bushes next to me, or when I spotted multiple masked raccoons banding together to overturn a trashcan for a late-night meal.
I was determined to make it to my saving grace. I was determined to make it to a place where I felt safe.
I had to get there.
It took me all of forty minutes to finally get to the park. I should seriously think about getting back into shape and building up my stamina. Especially if I am expecting to be having as much sex in the future with Nova as I'm hoping I can.
I should've been able to arrive there sooner, but my legs felt ready to give out and my lungs were on fuego number ten. My anger and anxiousness coupled together wasn't making this any better.
The park was understandably deserted and quiet. No cars, no people except for me which is just the way I needed it to be. There is something eerily comforting about that though.
I find an elevated sidewalk lamp with a satisfactory looking bench underneath and decided to post my sad ass there for a while. I am starting to wish I had brought a blanket with me though. Even though it's the summertime and the dead of heat, sometimes it gets a little chilly out here during the night.
But that's fine, I can use my anger and irritation to keep me warm.
Damn, that was lame.
I'm just so angry. How could my dad say those things? Did he really view me that way? Was he really going to be that stubborn?
I don't know how I actually viewed that conversation going any better than it did, though. I should've known he wasn't going to be accepting of me right off the bat. I am such a fool.
A fool who deep down still is begging for his father's approval and doesn't know what to do about it or how to gain it.
Like, where do my father and I even go from here? Will we not talk for a few days and then go back to normal? Or is this the last time he ever speaks to me?
But it's not my fault he doesn't understand. It's 2017! Gay marriage is legal! People are out and proud and are being accepted! Why is he still choosing to live in the prehistoric times?! Why can't he just love me for me?! I haven't changed! I'm still the same son he's always had! He wouldn't have even known if I hadn't said anything.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS!
"FUCK!" I yell out into the quiet night suddenly. I huff out the deep breath that was caught in my throat and place my elbows on my knees; using my hands to cover my anguished face.
I sit there for about another ten minutes before laying down on the germ-infested bench and closing my eyes. I suddenly felt very drained and my eyelids were just too heavy to carry on.
.....
"Ari?"
Man, I must be really exhausted. That definitely sounded like someone just said my name. Let me find out it's one of those creep clowns that have been going around stalking about in the night. With the mood I'm in right now, I'm ready to fight.
"Arizona? Is that you?"
Ok, now I know I can't be dreaming and that can't be a killer clown that knows my name.
I sit up on the bench and open my eyes a tiny bit at a time just in case.
OH. FUCK. You've GOT to be shitting me.
It's worse than a killer clown.
It's Charlie.
"That is you!" He says excitedly.
"What the actual hell?! Charlie?!" I say not excited.
Charlie still looked exactly the same from the last time I saw him around Christmas time. Hair partly disheveled and partly neat and in place. Pools of mahogany brown eyes still just as captivating. Physique still just the way I admired and craved.
What the hell, Arizona. Get it together dude.
Charlie walks a little closer to where I'm sitting, and I'm ready to bolt.
How do I slip away without him seeing me... even though he already saw me.
"This night just keeps getting better and better," I say angrily with a hint of sarcasm.
"Please don't leave! I heard someone yell, so I decided to come check it out. I can't believe it's you."
"Are you stalking me now?! Cheating on me wasn't enough so you had to follow me up here??"
"What? No, of course not! I miss you, but I don't miss you that bad."
"You miss me? You've got some nerve to be saying you miss me when you're the one who cheated."
"Look, I know I am. You don't have to remind me. I'm so sorry again for cheating on you. I knew exactly how you felt on the subject and yet I still did it. If I could go back and change things, you know I would. We were best friends before we were lovers, and I miss my best friend."
"What are you doing here Charlie?" I really wish I had a blunt right now. I need to be high for this conversation.
"You know my family has a house here too. Your parents are the ones who put them onto it, remember?"
Oh. Yeah. I forgot about that. I also forgot that his family comes here during the summer as well, but what are the cosmic odds that he would be here the same time I am?
"What are you doing in the park this late at night?"
"I could ask you the same thing, you know," he says grinning.
"Don't look at me like that Charlie. This isn't a joke. I'm being serious, now answer the question."
"Sheesh. Time apart must've given you a different outlook on life. You're different. I like it though. I had some things on my mind, and I came here for a walk. I guess great minds think alike. I can tell you have something on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?"
Is this guy serious?
"Are you fucking serious? No, Charlie. I don't want to talk out my problems with my ex-boyfriend."
He shrugs his shoulders and proceeds to sit next to me on the bench.
We sit in silence for a little while before my inner self is dying to speak.
"Why did you do it?" I asked him.
He sighs because he knew exactly what I was talking about, "I self-sabotage. I do it a lot and have been doing it even more often ever since I moved away from home. But, in our case, I had people in my ear telling me that we weren't going to last past our high school years. Especially not with us being long distance. I let those people influence my way of thinking and sabotaged myself. I loved you Ari. I—I still love you. I believe you're my soulmate."
"Soulmate?? That's rich. Were you still thinking of your love for me as you dated and fucked another guy? What was his name? Eric? Zayne? Tevin?"
"Austen. His name was Austen," he rolls his eyes, "After letting the thoughts of others influence, me I started letting it consume my way of thinking. I had myself believing that there was no way you were staying faithful to me all the way over in a place like California where there are plenty of hot guys who I'm sure were dying to get a piece of the hot UCLA football player."
Charlie shifted on the bench to fully face me, then continued.
"I started going out to parties and meeting and hooking up with random guys thinking that you were doing the exact same thing. I figured, if you could have fun, then so could I. Then, I met Austen, my study partner for a couple classes. Austen was a lot like you, and I think that's why I allowed myself to stay booed up with him for so long. It was almost like having you in my arms every day."
"Wait, so not only did you have a secret side piece, you also were out here fucking other random guys?! Tonight just keeps getting better and better. Whatever. Remind me again of when this whole affair with Austen ended."
Charlie sits quietly for a while seeming like he wasn't going to answer me. He turned away from me again, twiddled his thumbs and glanced off into the dark distance like it was going to answer for him.
"Remind me!" I said getting even more angry.
"Just a little before I came to California to see you."
"Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS??" I couldn't help but chuckle at how foolish I was for loving this guy once. How did I even forget that it had been that close to the time when he came to visit? I guess I had become so busy with Nova recently that traces of this guy were becoming washed away and replaced with memories of her.
"Ari, I am so sorry. Please! I don't know what I have to do for you to forgive me, but I will do anything! I know the likelihood of us getting back together isn't high, but I just want your forgiveness. I know I made a grave mistake. Please, I love you."
I felt like my father in this moment, putting my face in my hands and thinking about what a disappointment Charlie is.
"I told my family," I said, ignoring his statement.
"Huh?"
"I came out to my family," I said a little louder and removing my hands from my face, crossing them defensively over my chest.
"Seriously? Is that why you're out here? It didn't go well?"
"It went great with my brother and sisters, even my mom was understanding. I had Nova there with me to help too, but my dad's reaction...it was worse than I could've imagined. He said he didn't want to see me. That I am a disappointment to him. He doesn't understand. He's disgusted with me and thinks I'm just going through a "phase" even though I tried to explain to him that I've been into guys since the tenth grade."
"I'm assuming this means you told him about me too?"
"Is that really what you got out of what I just said??"
"Sorry, sorry. Well, I'm glad at least the majority of them are supportive of you. It may take Poppa Matthews some time to come around, but I'm sure he will."
"Yeah, I don't see that happening in the foreseeable future. How did your family react when you told them?"
"Oh, my family has known ever since I was in the 9th grade. I remember trying to force myself to think about girls. I would try to force myself to get boners thinking about them and it just wasn't working. I had a friend whose dad had a stash of these old Playboy magazines that I borrowed from him, and tried masturbating to them, but it wasn't doing it for me either.
Then, one day I was watching that old show Saved by The Bell, you know the one that used to come on in the mornings? Well, I remember having a thought run across my mind that Mario Lopez was hot. I was startled by the fact that I had a thought like that, but I continued having the thoughts and started having wet dreams about him.
One day I turned the show on in my room and locked the door and started masturbating to him and wouldn't you know it, it worked. I was getting off on him. I've always had a close and open relationship with my parents and immediately told them. I'm blessed to say that they were understanding and loving."
Ha. He's lucky. Coming out stories aren't always that easy. Parents aren't always that "understanding or loving". All I can think about is Cam who came out to her parents and the whole ordeal that resulted in her being rejected, and ultimately committing suicide because she couldn't take the loneliness, sadness, and depression she felt and endured.
I can't sit here any longer. I need to get back. Sitting out here with my cheating-ass ex isn't helping me at all. If anything, it's making me feel even worse.
"You don't have my forgiveness. Not for a while." I said as I stood to leave and started walking off in the direction I first came.
"What?! Ari, no wait, please! Don't leave! We're getting somewhere!"
Getting somewhere? All I heard was Charlie trying to justify his cheating and how supportive his family was when he came out. I can't deny that I miss him and still feel a tinge bit of love for him. I would just be lying to myself if I tried to deny that, and I'm done lying. But I'm not going to get back with him and I don't want to see him anymore to be reminded of the pain he caused me.
I felt him grab my arm to stop me in my tracks.
"Please just let me make it up to you. Like I said, I'll do anything."
All I could do was stand there in the dim lighting of the sidewalk lamp allowing my thoughts to consume me. It wasn't fair that I didn't have super supportive parents like him. It wasn't fair that a man I loved to the end of the earth and thought felt the same for me, could do me so wrong that at one point all I wanted to do was drown myself in the strongest alcohol and drugs.
It wasn't fair that I had to hide my true self from the people who were most important to me. It wasn't fair that I roped my friend into helping me because I felt pressured to be a heterosexual male. It wasn't fair that the most important man in my life, rejected me.
It just wasn't fair.
All I want is to feel loved. Or at least to feel something at all.
"Mmm, there he is. Looks like he still remembers me."
What?
Why am I feeling a wet and warm sensation below?
I glance down to see my pants open and Charlie's mouth around my dick, sucking. How did I not notice? Was I so consumed in my thoughts that I didn't even realize? Was I THAT oblivious?!
What makes it even worse is that the old familiar great sensations and memories that I was getting in this moment only made me want and crave it more and caused me to get harder and involuntarily moan.
I only wanted to feel wanted again.
I grabbed the back of his head and pushed myself further in his mouth, causing him to deep throat me, which he happily obliged as his hands gripped harder on my hips.
He was always so skilled at that. I held him there for a couple minutes, feeling his mouth slide up and down and his warm tongue glide over me. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes in ecstasy and released another deep moan before I felt a mental kick to my brain that jolted me out of the pleasurable trance, I was in.
"Shit! Shit, shit, shit! Fuck Charlie! Stop! No!"
"What?! What's the matter??" He said, wiping his mouth off with the back of his hand, "Was it not good? I mean I thought you liked it! You were hard as fuck and moaning!"
How could I do this?!
I struggled to pull my pants back up over my boner and zip them when I felt a buzz in my pocket and pull out my phone to see Nova's smiling pretty face.
"The hell?" I whispered to myself. I thought I had turned off my phone. How did her call get through?
"I know, I know. You said you didn't want to be bothered, but I can't help it. It's been a while and I miss you and I'm worried. I just want to snuggle with you and make you feel at least a semblance of somewhat better. I can rub your head like you like.
Just come back, please. Your parents are in their room and I can sneak you back in. Or if you want, we can sleep down in the apartment? It'll feel like we're away from everyone and you won't have to run into any of your family members," Nova said while speed talking with a pleading sound in her voice.
As soon as I heard her caring voice, I felt like the biggest, runniest, funkiest pile of dog shit. How could I be so fucking stupid. I'm sitting here complaining about not feeling wanted when I had her the whole time. She always wanted me there. How could I do this to her? How was I going to explain this?
"Ok, I'm coming back now. Please don't worry about me," I sadly said into the phone beginning to feel nauseas and repulsed.
"No can do. I'm always gonna worry about you. Thank you for coming back. I'll see you soon."
As soon as she's off the phone, my stomach did a heavy kick without warning causing me to lurch over the meticulously manicured grass and spill the contents of my stomach: Mr. Tate's famous grilled cheddar bacon and jalapeño burgers and honey wings with a side of coleslaw, and my grandmother's special recipe Sock-It-To-Me cake.
I coughed and gasped for air, but that only made my stomach feel even more contorted, causing me to heave and continue. I'm so disgusted with myself right now. Not just because I barfed, but because of what this will do to the girl I just obtained.
I've got to get out of here. There is no way Nova is going to forgive me for this. I knew I was going to do something to completely fuck myself over. Why didn't I listen to my gut? I can't believe I lost my father and Nova all in one day.
"Ari! What the hell?! Are you sick? Do you have the flu?! Where are you going? I'm sorry, ok?! Let me walk you back home so I know you made it safe!" Charlie yelled after me as I briskly started walking off.
"No! No, Charlie! I shouldn't have let you do that. I'm sorry for that and for throwing up in front of you. I can't do this. You need to stay away from me, and I don't want to see you again."
"But why?!"
"Because. Because, I don't want you! I want Nova!" I yell, running away from there as fast as I could. The sad part was that even though I wanted Nova, after she finds out what happened, she's not going to want me.
Fuck my life.