Leah
Three words.
Which can start with 'I' and end with 'you', the middle word has the potential to make you feel extremity of emotions.
'Can we talk', even though it's not one of the above-said possibilities, can sure as hell give you a roller coaster ride of emotions.
Right now, sitting inside a car with those three words still echoing in the confines of the car, made me wring my wrist and my gut wrench with the dread.
"Leah, I'm sorry."
I raised my eyebrow at him, questioning him. My mind was still whirling, trying to grasp the situation.
"I was being a bit of an ass to you."
"A bit?"
"Okay, a whole lot. But please listen to me." He pleaded with his eyes and suddenly I felt like we were back in his room.
"After what I told you, I didn't know, I still don't know how to behave around you. I haven't talked about Nathan with anyone else in the past four years, except for my family, and suddenly I blurted out a few bits and pieces of my past to you. And then I had to go and be all emotional in front of you. I felt weak at that moment, Leah. No one, except for mom and dad, has seen the broken Ethan, so the other day when I broke down in front of you, I didn't know how to act around you." He looked down at his lap and fidgeted with his fingers locking and then unlocking them, not sure what to do. I placed my hand on his, the non-bloody one, and squeezed it hoping to provide comfort with my actions. Placing his hand in my lap I squeezed it twice, silently telling him to continue.
"I still haven't fully accepted Nathan's death. I still can't believe I won't be able to see him again. And it's scary as hell, thinking that he wasn't able to get his high school diploma, was never able to attend college. He wanted to be an entrepreneur. It makes me nauseous thinking that he won't be able to start up his own business. He was always passionate about his future. But he didn't even get the chance to complete his high school." His nose turned red first, followed by his eyes. He was trying really hard not to breakdown in front of me again.
It was silent in the car except for his ragged breathing.
"Ethan, you are not weak. In fact, showing your emotions is one of the bravest things. And my opinion won't change even if you let those tears escape your eyes." And it was all it took before he rested his head on the steering wheel and closed his eyes, letting his emotions take over.
I rubbed his palm with my thumb trying to soothe his ache for his brother. He turned his head in my direction, his hair damp due to sweat and humidity inside the car. The sweat beads made his hair mat to his forehead further sticking into his eyes. Leaning across the console, I ran my free hand across his forehead and pushed his hair back. His crying subsided leaving a trail of his pain on his cheeks. I swiped my thumb across them hoping to wipe away his pain to some extent.
It was killing me to just sit there and not able to say anything to comfort him. But I knew he didn't need my words to make himself feel better. Only he himself can heal his inner wounds. Words can just aid the healing and not replace his willingness to mend himself.
"You know, reminiscing the past incidents won't be as painful when you fully accept your past. Reliving all those moments spent with your brother won't be as hurtful when you come to terms with his absence."
"It's not that easy, Leah, to let go off someone."
"It never was. Letting go was never easy and it's not a quick process but that doesn't mean it's impossible. It's not about forgetting that person but rather remembering them in a way that's not painful." I caressed his cheek with my thumb.
He just closed his eyes and rested his head against his seat, not saying a word for a few minutes. Just when I thought he was asleep, he rolled his head to look at me and finally smiled. It wasn't his usual one but still, it was something which made my heart flutter with joy now that his mood wasn't dull anymore.
"Not that I mind, but can I get my hand back?" I didn't realise I was still holding his hand and quickly let it go as if it was a live wire.
"We should head inside now. Your knuckles look like the skin on them could snap open at any moment."
"Thanks for the visuals, Leah." He rolled his eyes at me and got out of the car. I followed him into the house and dragged him into the bathroom.
"Didn't know you were into bathroom bang-bang." He wiggled his eyebrows at me suggestively to which I smacked his forehead.
"Get your head out of the gutter, Ethan," I said and started rummaging through the bottom cabinets for the first aid kit.
"The first aid box is in the top cabinet." He smirked at me as he knew I wouldn't be able to reach up even if I stood on my tiptoes.
Why would anyone keep the first aid box so out of reach? I mean, c'mon, why would a burglar be out there looking for a first aid box?
I was so busy imagining a thief stealing a first aid kit that I didn't notice Ethan crossing across the bathroom in one large stride and standing in front of me, really close might I add. And there was no space to step back. I stood frozen in my place as my brain registered the proximity between us.
I could literally count the freckles that adorned his nose bridge and the gold specks in his blue eyes. He placed his hand on the counter, trapping me from one side and he leaned in. My breathing picked up just as a certain organ in my chest forgot it's normal rhythm. His blue eyes poured into mine, the intensity of them resulting in me closing my eyes as his warm cinnamon scent engulfed me along with the heat radiating off him. I could feel him stretch upward and something clicking in the background and I couldn't help but bask in his warmth.
Suddenly the heat was gone and the moment was over as I opened my eyes to find him standing a foot away from me holding the first aid box in his outstretched arm, smirking at me.
"I thought I might be of some help to you." He sat on the counter, still smirking might I add, and placed the box beside him.
I took a deep breath to hush my roaring heart and stepped near him to clean up the wound.
"Why did you even punch the wall? Who in their sane mind does that?" I looked up at him from my task and found him staring down at me.
"You make me do all these crazy stuff."
I looked up at him, confused.
"You had stormed out of my car, angrily. Then in the lunch break, you were still pissed at me but Jordan was able to make you happy. Then there was that guy talking to you after school making you smile. I thought I fucked up. I shouldn't have done that to you. Anger got the best of me and the poor wall had to endure it."
That was a lot but say what.
He shrugged his shoulder as heat rose to my cheeks and I stayed quiet, not knowing what to say.
"There are still some fragments of my past that I haven't told."
"You don't have to. At least not right now. I don't want to rush you into telling me everything. Take your time. But remember, when you want to get that off your chest, I'll be here for you. Just don't shut me out like that, it irked me when you were avoiding me." I huffed as I finished nursing his hand.
"Trust me, it killed me to not talk to you." I did a huge mistake of looking up at him again because this time his face was really close to mine. His eyes were tender as they gazed into mine and he brushed his nose with mine. I felt all jiggly in my stomach as I tried to imagine what it'd be like to touch his lips with mine by just tipping my head up.
"I heard some noises coming from the bathroom…" I jumped back as Savannah opened the door and I think I resembled a tomato.
And that tomato ripened, even more, turning into mush when she smirked and wiggled her eyebrows at us looking from me to her son and back at me again.
"You both continue what you were doing. Don't mind me. I was just..forget it." With that, she closed the door and that mushy tomato turned into ketchup.
"I think we should go," I muttered under my breath, looking down at my feet, too embarrassed to look up at him. Oh, I have toes. And there are ten of them. Hmm, interesting.
"Or how about we continue what we were doing, just like my mom told. It's totally not cool disobeying the elders." By now the ketchup was smeared over a sandwich.
"Ethan!"
"I was just saying." He raised his hands in mock surrender and burst out laughing at my horrified expression.
I stormed out of the bathroom, his laughter ringing in my ears as I went upstairs to my room closing it behind me and sighing a huge sigh.
All the events of the day came back to me but the one in the bathroom hit me with full force, thinking and rethinking it, again and again, making all this fuzziness erupt at the pit of my stomach.
A smile found its way onto my lips as I walked towards my bed, jumped face-first and screamed into the pillow, as one thing was constantly nagging at the back of my mind.
What if I'd have tipped my head up?
******
My sweaty self says hi.
Can't believe it's just April and Mr.Sun is vomiting heat like nothing else. I'm so badly wishing rainy season to just arrive already.
And the reads on this book...what? How? Why? Wtf. I am screaming like a madwoman.
I totally wasn't expecting this response when I began with this book, at least not yet. But you people are amazing. <3
Hope y'all are safe.
Until next time.