Lee Donghae.
My heart started to beat a thousand times faster. I really didn’t expect to see him here.
He was wearing a black suit, his hair was the usual fringe but now it had a little style to it. On his right arm was a silver watch and on his left arm was a girl’s hand clutched to him.
My heart broke into pieces as I saw Donghae with another girl.
I hid from them, and as I kept my gaze, I’ve realized that the girl was Park Gyuri. Well, what could I expect from the years he was gone? Five years was a long time and it was inevitable for him to meet other people. Gyuri and Donghae must’ve gotten back together.
All along, ever since that day Donghae knocked on my door, I knew his feelings for Gyuri wouldn’t be erased.
The both of them were talking to some colleagues. They were laughing, telling stories, Donghae looked really happy. My attempt of silently escaping failed, the strap of my bag was caught in one of the brushes. People started to look at me and my tears fell more unknowingly, I pulled it away from the branch, making my purse’s strap snap into two. I accidentally tripped a bit and Donghae noticed me. In a split second, his eyes met mine. Those eyes of him that I could never get tired of staring into; I looked away and paced my steps away.
I sobbed silently and every noise around me turned mute. All the chatter, all the laughs, the music, it deafened me. My head was spinning and I wanted to vanish from this place.
Finally, I’ve reached the hotel’s exit. Not much people were around, but I bumped into someone and without looking at the stranger’s face, I apologized, my voice was a bit weary. But the person I bumped into held on my shoulders and lifted my chin up.
It was Leeteuk. He looked at me perplexed, I tried to hide the tears but my eyes had its own mind.
“What happened?” Leeteuk looked worried, I sobbed and still didn’t answer. The both of us still stood there so silently.
All of a sudden, I heard Donghae’s voice calling me. He called out my name and stopped close to where we were standing. His eyes got teary; he tried to catch his breath. It was like the scene from when he knocked on my door that very night Gyuri and him broke up, but now, I was precise to know that those were really tears slowly travelling from his eyes. The problem was, I wasn’t sure if those tears were true or just fake. He called out my name once again and eventually, I faced him.
“Please, listen to me.” He pleaded; he went closer to me and held my hand in both of his hands. I stood still like a mannequin.
‘Exchange smiles at least.’ Leeteuk’s words from before echoed in my mind, and that’s what I did. I smiled at Donghae.
He sighed in relief but his expression went the opposite when I freed my hands from his and walked away. Leeteuk didn’t leave yet, instead, he slightly bowed to Donghae and went with me. Donghae shook his head and a tear fell from his eyes. I couldn’t stand seeing him like this. His gaze followed us as the both of us stepped into the car as soon as the valet came.
***
“I’m sorry, it didn’t have to be this way.” Leeteuk said as he drove silently. He wanted to lighten the atmosphere but he had no idea how to.
“No, it’s alright. At least I know that Gyuri and Donghae’s together again.” I forced a smile and wiped away my tears. Leeteuk had no comment, instead he took a U-turn and drifted back, the tires made a loud screech and I held onto my seatbelt tightly. He accelerated the car as his eyes were glued to the road once again. I was confused on why we turned back; it almost gave me a heart attack.
“Sorry.” Leeteuk apologized before I could even react; I was still in a state of shock, I thought we were going to crash or something. His eyes became somehow calm, and after a few turns we stopped by a rest a convenience store. It was an odd looking one though, not your typical 7-eleven. Rather, the little store’s outside structure was made up of dark logs, making it look like a cabin. Beside the store’s entrance was a window and you could see the cashier in his uniform, bright lights, rows of snacks, a dimsum steamer, coffee vending machines, cold beverages etc.
Leeteuk stopped the engine and looked at me with eyes so weary and depressed, more depressed than my own. His eyes told a story though he hasn’t spoken a word. I could feel it, the way his eyes were so calm yet inside them hid heartache. Only the bright lights from inside the convenience store illuminated half of his face, the other half as a dark shadow.
“I told myself I was never going back here again.” He said silently, his eyes still gazed on mine. I could see half of his lips stretch into a smile.
“Well it’s too nostalgic, I couldn’t keep the promise I made to myself.” He continued. I was utterly oblivious to what he was saying, nevertheless I just listened.
“What promise?” I asked out of curiosity, he shook his head whilst taking off his seat belt. He didn’t answer my question yet; instead he opened the car door and stepped out. Leeteuk was acting very unusual.
He soon opened the passenger’s side door and held out his hand. I soon complied and we both walked into the convenience store. He bought a cup of coffee for each of us and headed out. Leeteuk spaced out too much; I just went where he went. I walked by his side.
I soon realized that next to the convenience store was the ocean. It looked so beautiful during the night time. The buildings on the other end of the ocean were silhouettes and the moon shone so brightly above us. The stars were scattered on the velvet sky ever so perfectly. The cold wind blew sending slight shivers. My fingers clutched on the warm cup of coffee. Leeteuk and I walked around the ocean. The sand was finer than the usual beach I used to go at. I glanced at Leeteuk, wondering what he was thinking right now. I wonder what was on his mind at the moment. Was he happy? Sad? Nostalgic?
I had no idea.
Leeteuk sat down and buried both of his hands under the cold sand. His eyes focused on the ocean. His expression was so blank, yet inside his mind was a whirlpool of thoughts.
I took three steps towards him and sat down, brushing my fingertips over the rough grains of the sand.
“It took me exactly 1 year and 7 months to forget.” Leeteuk began, grinning a bit. From the sentence, I could quite sense that he wasn’t talking about any event, any place, anything… he was talking about a person. I had a strong feeling about it. And so, I just listened to him once again.
“We’ve dated for 7 years and when the first week of Spring fell, I wanted to propose to her… Have you ever felt being in a state of excitement and nervousness? I’ve been in that type of emotional being for about a month or so. I just couldn’t articulate my thoughts in the best way. There were too much things I wanted to tell her, I didn’t know where to start. I’ve been racking my brain for ideas to make my wedding proposal for her in the best way. But unfortunately, the first week of Spring came… she broke up with me. My whole body felt numb, I felt like all the blood inside of me had been drained. When she finished that sentence, I wanted to let her repeat what she just said… But my senses struck back to me and my brain told myself that I haven’t misheard what she said. But sadly, my heart denied this whole situation. There wasn’t an argument after that; her decision was final, I had no say in it; it hurt me too much just to think about it. I just let her go. What kind of guy would I be if the one I have loved wanted to be free, yet I’ve been stubborn and wanted to still be with her… her staying with me, it was like restraining her from her happiness. I would be a complete jerk.” Leeteuk looked down and contemplated on his other thoughts. At first, I thought I was the only one who was going through a tough time. Leeteuk may have always showed a happy expression but there were times when the smile was only a mask.
“What happened?” I shyly asked, looking to where his eyes were set upon.
“She left the country and I enlisted. She pursued her career as a Fashion Designer… Oh Sunyoung… Some of her designs could be found in Seoul. Well, yeah she’s pretty famous in the industry. I’m happy for her. I temporarily lived by her side, I am genuinely happy for her. But that was all in the past. I’ve accepted it and continued on.” He smiled and looked at me.
Oh Sunyoung? How come her name sounds familiar? I can’t remember where I’ve heard it before. Maybe at some shops down in Myeongdong. But then I remembered the tag of the dress I was wearing.
I instantly looked at Leeteuk, he smiled.
“The dress you’re wearing…” He smiled once again, his eyes a bit misty. He wasn’t the one who picked the dress when we bought it, it was purely coincidental.
“It’s her design?” I finished his sentence. I grinned and looked at my dress. The fabric was stunning, the whole design, like what I’ve said, simple yet so elegant. The both of us haven’t realized that the whole mood had shifted from being sad, and now we were smiling. I’ve temporarily forgot all about what happened earlier.
He nodded, the shy smile was still painted on his lips.
“You really remind me of her.” He admitted and looked down, grabbing a handful of sand and let it flow from his hand.
“Why is that?”
“Well this is kind of an odd story, but… I met her on the beach too. I was taking my morning jog and I saw her lying down on the sand… yeah, just like you. I jogged towards her and she told me that she was at the beach to relax but she fainted due to stress. So when I first saw you, it was as if I travelled back in time.” He chuckled lightly.
I laughed lightly and tuck my hair behind my ear. Leeteuk still had his gaze on me. I smiled and drew random patterns on the sand.
“I want to give you something.” He reached in his pocket, and in his hand was a ring. I stared at the fine piece of jewelry before he tucked it in my palm.
“A ring?” I asked quizzically and looked at Leeteuk. He nodded.
“But why are you giving it to me?” I asked.
“Well, I want to give it to you first… please take care of it. I want to ask you a favor, if you ever meet Sunyoung in the future, please give it to her.” He looked at the sea once again and a grin spread across his lips.
The ring glistened under the moonlight just like the crystals in the ocean.
“But, do you think it’s a tad bit impossible for me and her to actually meet? The chances are little.” I tilted my hand and safely enveloped the ring with my palm.
“Hmm, but I’m confident you’ll meet her one day. I promise.” He smiled.
I smiled back and trusted what Leeteuk said. It wasn’t that impossible, I guess.
“Always remember this, just like what they say…
누군가를사랑한다해도, 그가떠나기를원하면손을놓아주렴. 떠났다가다시돌아오는것. 그것을받아들여. 돌아오지않으면… 그건처음부터너의것이아니었다고, 잊어버리며살아.
Translation: (Even if you love someone, if they want to leave, let go of them. If they leave and come back, accept them back into your heart. If they don’t come back… Just think that they never belonged to you, erase them from your memory and go on.)” He messed my hair as he finished the saying the last sentence.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to live by what he taught me now. But I’ve realized that it wouldn’t hurt if I just tried to listen to Donghae and his explanation. I was too caught up in hating him. I closed my eyes for a while and contemplated on decisions. I love Donghae, I really do.
“It’s getting cold, we should get going.” Leeteuk lightly patted my back and helped me up. I took his hand and the both of us walked to his car.
“By the way, Gyuri and Donghae aren’t dating.” Leeteuk said non-chalantly and started the engine.
“Huh?” I looked at him quizzically.
“Trust me on this one. Please. Believe me… they’re not.” He assured and sped away.
I looked out the window, seeing nothing but the black night sky, the bright moon and the stars. I focused my eyes on the window’s glass, my reflection was so lightless, so plain, so tired, all I wanted to do was stop my brain from thinking for a while and just drift to sleep; the day had become hectic… I closed my eyes and let out a light sigh.
***
I stood under the street lamp waiting for a black Mercedes Benz to come and fetch me. The light pink petals of the Cherry Blossom tree I was standing next to was dancing its way to the ground. The sky was a light orange and evening was coming, I rubbed my palms together and held my cheeks, feeling the slight warmth from my palms, I sighed and smiled. But after a few seconds, my smile was replaced with a slight frown.
I missed Donghae. How is he now? Where is he? Why haven’t we run into each other in the city? I hope I could see him again. I really wish I could. How much longer would it take for everything to fall back to where everything was, to me it seemed like I was stuck in a dimension where only puzzled minds and feelings were inherently present within each element that existed in this vast universe.
The car I was waiting for me pulled over and rolled down the window. Leeteuk was inside, wearing a warm smile as always. I smiled back and hopped in the passenger’s seat. I looked at him smile throughout the whole drive; he kept on telling jokes and stories. I was really thankful to have Leeteuk as a friend, he was really nice and he helped me a lot. Just by looking at him right now this happy, it looks like he hasn’t been through gloomy and hard times.
“Where are we going?” I asked after he finished one of his stories about travelling by bus and how he had a slight trauma about it.
“It’s a secret.” He answered shortly and chuckled. Leeteuk was unusually cheery today; I racked my brain for events that I must’ve forgotten about.
Have you ever felt something so good to be true and at the same time nostalgic that you thought it didn’t exist anymore because the memories of this happening have already been buried under the embers of new events. Déjà vu struck me as we’ve drove down a lane I haven’t visited for a long time. My heart was about to burst and tears started to well up as my eyes set upon a place I least expected we would be at…
The carnival on the beach. The night grew, the lanterns became brighter; those tan lanterns that floated in mid-air has yet made this night more wistful.
I felt like I was seeped into a time machine, going back to what I’ve missed the most. I’ve been anticipating for this carnival’s return but I was a bit hesitant to drive by or even hangout at this place.
“Leeteuk…” I was awed by every single detail that surrounded where I was now. Every ride, every stall was in its original place. The bumper cars, the carousel and most importantly, the Ferris Wheel.
“Stunning sight isn’t it.” He smiled and put both hands on either side of his waist. I nodded in agreement. I was too preoccupied with my eyes wandering on every piece of perfection infront of me, I didn’t realized that Leeteuk was holding my hand already, ready to explore the carnival. I looked at our hands intertwined, it felt different compared to when I was with Donghae. I felt nothing other than a friendly vibe.
A sea of people were having the time of their lives, and just by hearing every sound they made, every sound the machines made, it made my heart beat faster. I felt a pang of nervousness in my stomach though I wasn’t aware why I was feeling this way. This part of Seoul looked so stunning. I felt like I was in a dream. The smile never left my face. Leeteuk and I went all around, tried every ride, played games, ate popcorn, cotton candy and so on. I enjoyed time being with Leeteuk. I would consider him as my bestfriend. But as we did all these, every bit of where we went reminded me of Donghae.
Just when I thought we had finished all the rides. There was one left.
I looked up at the grand Ferris Wheel before my eyes. It did age a little, some rust formed on the rails and the hinges of the gate squeaked a bit, but it was still perfect as it was before. At first, I was reluctant to get on this ride, after all, this was where Donghae and I broke up.
“Ladies first,” Leeteuk bowed and chuckled, I smiled and got in and sat down. He took a step from the ride and I looked at him quizzically.
“You’re not coming with me?” I asked, he shook his head and smiled.
“Why?” I asked, Leeteuk just kept silent and sighed.
“Just because.” He smiled again and closed the Ferris wheel’s cradle I was in. I shrugged and then remembered that I had to spend a whole ride by myself, panic shot down but I took a deep breath.
“Fine, fine.” I sighed and leaned back on the cold metal seats. A chill instantly took over and I closed my eyes.
As the machine started, instead of severe nervousness and fright, memories flashed in my mind. I couldn’t get Donghae out of my mind, I felt like he was here with me. I’ve contemplated on the past as my eyes were shut.
I remembered everything about him, his smile, how he hugged me, how he held my hand when I was scared. The images wouldn’t vanish; the outpour of everything from the past was constant.
My fingers lightly brushed over the cold white railings, it wasn’t as smooth as before, now it had small bumps and copper stains of rust painted my fingertips.
I looked down below and saw Leeteuk who wore a very peaceful expression as the ride went up. His jawline contoured by the light, his eyes so calm, his posture relaxed. I smiled to myself and waited for the ride to stop at the top so that I would get a better view at the stars below.
And so the carnival did exist, I’m not mistaken. But what was bugging me was the fact that did such a tragedy happened in this very place? This was where Donghae and I broke up. My lips curved down to a slight frown and with it, my eyes grew misty.
The Ferris wheel slowly moved counterclockwise as it lifted the cradle I was in to a higher place. It finally stopped on the top.
But to my surprise, all the lights went out.
The whole carnival grew dim. It was as if the whole carnival was a candle that lost its flame just by one blow. I held tightly on the railings, closing my eyes.
“Donghae~” I called, frightened. My hand crawled to the side, but I felt no warmth. I clenched my fist feeling nothing but the feeling of my nails slightly digging on my palms.
I was alone.
Slowly, I opened my eyes.
To ease my uneasiness, I looked to the East where the buildings were, it was where the sea was too, leading to Main Seoul. Now that all the lights were out, the skyscrapers lights really looked like stars on land.
Out of the blue, a tan lantern appeared.
It flew to the sky so effortlessly, so gracefully… It was floating in mid-air. Not just one, but it was followed by more lanterns in uniform color, I couldn’t count how many there were. It was so beautiful it looked so surreal.
I heard the machine start once again and I sighed in relief.
I turned my gaze back to the where the shore was… I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I rubbed my eyes and looked down once again; I was still on top of the Ferris Wheel.
One by one, letters appeared on the sand. More lanterns formed a phrase… My heart started to beat fast as the lanterns completed what it wrote.
It wasn’t a phrase after all…
It was a question.
Addressed to me.