Rat 🐀: Don't be late or I'll have come up with a way to eat my own 🖕🖕 fingers sufficiently by the time you get here 🔪🔪😝😝😝
Snake 🐍: I doubt you'd even be able to stand licking them with how dirty your nails are
Rat 🐀: Is that a challenge????
Snake 🐍: Only if you want it to be
Deceit was about to leave and meet up with Remus when Patton surprised him in a kiss.
"Honey can I see your phone?" He asked in a sweet tone while blinking to look innocent.
Deceit handed the phone over without thinking about it. It was norma. It was normal for him to check his messages. It was normal for him to need Patton's approval before he was allowed to meet up with someone. He needed his approval to do anything really or he would get mad.
Patton quickly skimmed through the latest messages before nodding and handing his phone back. "He always speaks to vulgarly don't you think" He said with a frown.
"I suppose so, it's a part of his charm"
"Being charming is a redeeming quality cutie, whatever he's doing isn't that"
"I know" He lied "Well I love you" He gave him a short kiss "See you later" He said before leaving the apartment.
As Deceit sat down on the bus he put on his headphones and blasted the music so loudly he couldn't hear his own thoughts. He enjoyed taking the bus more than driving since he could look at the people around them and secretly psychoanalyze them. Freud that bastard would have been proud.
There was a small child sitting in front of him. She smiled and stuck out her tongue at him. He put on a neutral expression before hiding his face behind his eyes. When he moved his hands away he had on a goofy expression. The little girl laughed and his heart warmed.
The bus suddenly stopped and he went off. He'd barely had taken a step down on the pavement when he was picked up into a hug and spun around.
"SNAkey babey!" Remus exclaimed when he finally let him down onto the ground again.
"Greetings. Do you want to do anything in particular or shall we just walk around while looking fashionable?" He asked in his usual silky smooth voice.
"I have actually planned a murder" He saw the other man's tired expression and added "No I'm serious" He took out a small book from his pocket and opened up on a page filled with notes and small doodles of knifes and blood.
Deceit skimmed through the first sentences and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion "Who is Berry Karlsson?" It was the person who was planned to be killed.
"Oh I dunno" Remus shrugged with a grin "I was just bored yesterday and searched up a random persons address and tried to plan how to get away with their death"
"I have heard of worse ways to spend a Saturday"
"Yeeeaaahhh, like being tied to the bed and slammed down into it until you're screaming like a fucking baby? Ugh gross. Reminder to myself, don't include the word baby into sentences involving innuendos"
"What?" Deceit felt like he had just been thrown into a whole other conversation.
"I was just thinking bout the juicy stuff since y'know there's a bruise on your wrist" He was still smiling as he pointed at it.
The snake instantly dragged down his sleeve "No, it was simply-" My boyfriend grabbing my wrist to harshly while getting mad at me for not coming back from being with Logan at the right time, it was just yelling so it was fine, it could have been worse "-A heavy bracelet I had on a few days ago. It left marks and all" He lied.
"That bracelet could probably be used as a weapon!" Remus replied while he started to fantasize about the idea.
They started to walk to no where really but the duke preferred hanging out outside since there was so many more options on what to do, like crimes!! Or running after doves!! or diving into dumpsters!!
Remus continued to ramble about what he'd done during the week, he more skipped than walked. Deceit nodded every now and then but he liked just hearing him talk. It was soothing to only have to focus on the other man's voice that was as pleasant as a razor. It was soothing to not be expected to talk back.
Most of what he said didn't make sense, most of it was stories filled with nonsense who no one but Remus fully understood but Deceit liked that his brain got occupied with trying to decipher his words instead of his brain being busy worrying about anything and everything.
"WAIT" Remus suddenly yelled while stopping in front of a cafe "Can we stop here? The barista that" He checked his clock "Should be working around now is really cute....the coffee's good too"
Before Deceit even had time to respond he'd gotten dragged into the cozy cafe. The duke let go of him and ran up to the counter and nearly leaped over it to hug the barista on the other side. When they let go of the hug Dee could see that it was Remy.
"Sup gals. Whatcha want today?" They asked while fixing their sunglasses. They had on a ugly green apron with the cafe's logo on it.
"Give me whatever drink that has the most sugar or the most caffeine or both!" Remus replied.
"I like my coffee black, like my soul" Dee muttered.
"I'll put some milk in it then" Remy leaned over the counter and whispered "You gals can get it for free but don't like tell anyone" They lowered their sunglasses to wink at them "By the way I have my break in 5 so like wait for me kay?"
"Sure"
After getting their drinks they went and sat down at a table for four near the corner. The duke idly talked about some disgusting facts about snakes he'd recently found out about, he knew it was the other man's favorite animal so he tried to remember as many facts as he could. Most of the time Deceit already knew about the facts but he lied and said he didn't because he really liked hearing him ramble about it.
Remy came over and let out a long sigh. They pushed up their sunglasses for a moment to rub away the tiredness from their eyes before sitting down in Remus' lap and swinging their arms around his shoulders.
"Sup babes, omg the day I've had" They sighed once more and dramatically continued while clenching their fist "So many Karens"
"Rough" Deceit commented while leaning over to pat their shoulder.
"Just spit in their coffee" Remus suggested.
Soon after Rem and Rem started to whisper to each other and Remy leaned up to press a kiss to his cheek which made him giggle. Deceit focused on his coffee. It was inevitable that he became the third wheel. The third person always became the third wheel when Rem and Rem were in the same room.
"Well congratulations on the marriage" He muttered while holding up his cup as if to toast.
"We're not a couple!" The two of them responded almost at the same time.
"Honestly like girl do you know how many straight girls I see who play lip guitar with their straight gal pals? A lot!" Remy said.
"Yeah! They're all" Remus stuck out his tongue and moved it around while making blerrgh sound "Just cause I'm a manly macho goblin rat and they're a toll bean doesn't mean we can't follow the same morals as stupid straights girls! Wow did I just say that sentence, I sure did"
"Like DeDe honey I get it I'm a queen and you're simply jealous and wondering if I'm single or not but girl you can simply ask me. I am by the way. I am single....on weekdays at least"
"Oh yeah because I am soooo single" He lied while rolling his eyes.
Remus motioned for something stabbing something and said "I can change that" While smiling.
"NO! No Patton murder!" This wasn't even the first time Deceit have had to say that. "By the way Em didn't you either way have a date last week? Like with the brunette"
Remus stared down into the table while looking like he was dying on the inside "Ehhhh yeah turns out her friends had ehm dared her to ask the...I think they used the words 'graveyard psychopath' out on a date. But it's fine, it's not like it's the first time someone has pretended to ask me out or anything. Totally fine" He forced a laugh.
Deceit took a napkin and a pen from his pocket "Tell me names of those people, I've heard knife prices are low this time of year"
"Girl those bitches can go straight to hell because you are a snack, you hear that" They said while pointing aggressively to which the duke nodded "Besides weren't you like dating a guy?"
"Oh yeah for like 2 weeks but then he called me annoying and clingy and all that and broke up with me" Remus started to count on his fingers "And there was a really pretty guy at a party who never responded to my texts and there was this girl who was the one I've ever dated for the longest but she broke up with me over text OR I mean the one I've dated the longest expect for the guy that shouldn't be mentioned and there was an enby who seemed to like me but only when I shut up and 'looked pretty' and there was this other guy.....yeah I'mma stop there"
"Wow, that is an almost impressively bad track record" Deceit muttered.
Remus shrugged "Just like any good piece of trash I am in the end disposable"
"No, You just haven't found the right one yet. You can probably go to a mental hospital and find someone just as disturbing as you" The snake said "Sorry, that was too mean. To people in mental hospitals not you"
"Hey! I take offense to that!" Remy gasped dramatically "I've been in a mental hospital once, you know that. I would neve-" They stopped and looked at Remus up and down while squinting their eyes "I would probably never be together with this trash rat"
They had been sent to the hospital years ago and had been stuck in it for 2 months before the nurses deemed them as not being a danger to themself anymore. They were fine now a days.
"AWWW thanks!!" Remus exclaimed with a grin.
"Yeah yeah whatevs" They checked the time on their phone before finishing the last of their coffee "Welp looks like playtimes over. Gotta go back to hell- I mean work"
"Good luck" Deceit said with a smirk.
"Don't die but feel free to make someone else die!" The duke said in a supportive tone while doing thumbs up.
The moment they had left Remus leaned over the table and whispered to his friend "Now let's go wreak havoc!"
"Sure" He said in the most uninterested voice he could muster.
With fast steps the duke jumped up from his chair and started to walk. On the way towards the door he took ahold of Deceit's hand so he was sure he followed behind.
"You know I don't like when you grab my hand" He hissed out while hurrying behind. For every 1 step Rem took he took 3.
He didn't reply. Instead he lightly forced him through an alleyway and into a street with less people before letting go off his hand. Deceit was about to say thank you when he was lifted up from the ground and carried bridal style.
"This better?" Remus asked while cocking his eyebrow.
"Oh yeah definitely, I just looove this so much!" He lied.
He let out a short laugh "Annnndddd IIIII love you this much!" He half sang it out while extending his arms to show how much he loved his friend (platonically of course)
Unfortunately he forgot that if he moves his arms away from the person he's carrying that person falls down on the ground. Remus let out a loud IEP sound as he hunched down at Deceit who was now laying with his back down on the ground.
"Are you okay??? Is your back shattered into a million pieces? Has your brain turned into a bunch of slush??? Are you bleeding and if so can I lick the blood??" He rapidly yelled out the questions.
Dee held up a thumbs up but when he saw people looking at them weirdly he changed it into holding up the middle finger "I am dying dear" He lied "Can you not see that"
His nervous expression got replaced with a grin as he held out his hand to help his friend up "Sorry if that leaves a bruise" He apologized while patting the snake's shoulder.
"Don't worry, I'm used to it" It took a second before he realized what he'd said. "Whoops the lie just jumped out, sorry"
Remus titled his head while still smiling "That didn't sound like a lie"
He got quite taken a back "Darling no offense but I'm a pathological liar, there is no way you can tell whether I'm lying or not"
He chuckled "What a silly lil snakey babey. When your brain makes you lie your expression stays neutral but your eyes go all wide the moment afterwards. When you yourself lie you hide your hands behind your back. Did you really think I never noticed that?"
"I didn't even notice that" He mumbled. He glanced around before pointing at the nearest building he could see to make the other man lose focus "Look a library"
"OH! Perfect place to wreak havoc!!!!" Remus exclaimed. The last conversation was already gone from his brain since he had the focus of a baby goldfish.
He ran in through the entrance and looked around while trying to flap his hands and hide them in his pockets at the same time. He skipped through the aisles off book under he found the old ones. The ones with yellow pages that smelled like many many people had loved them.
Deceit caught up with him right in time to see him pick out a random book from the shelf. He gave the book a short serenade before ripping out a random page and stuffing it down his throat.
"Dear if anyone caught you doing that you are....hm how do I put this in a good way....Fucked" The snake said while crossing arms.
"Bwuh it fuwny" He replied while chewing away at the older paper. It felt like his front teeth would get stuck and get torn out which made him imagine blood seeping out of his mouth.
He rolled his eyes before looking around in the book shelf while his friend continued to eat pages. His gloved finger was pressing lightly into the old covers as if to see if it was good or not. He picked up one with what looked like a knight on the cover. It was named 'Dante's inferno'.
He showed it off to Remus who swallowed the last of the paper before saying "That's the one with Virgil in it! Like there's a guy called that in the book. I think it's about hell"
"Maybe I'll read it..." He replied while shrugging. On second thought, if it was about hell Patton probably wouldn't want him reading it. He slowly put it back but so far away he knew his friend wouldn't eat it.
For a while it was mostly quite. Deceit looked through books while the other man continued doing.....book cannibalism.
"Hey Dede" he suddenly mumbled. It was quiet and soft, uncharacteristically so "Y'know how when my intrusive thoughts get too bad the best thing is ignore them until they go away?"
He nodded "Are the thoughts getting to overbearing?" He asked with concern in his tone "Need a reality check?"
"No no. I just...I thought that maybe I'm just like them. That maybe it's just best to ignore me until I go away" Remus was staring down into the ground as he quietly admitted it.
Deceit wrapped his arms around his friend's shoulders and leaned his head into his chest "That's a lie even if you don't think so. Your thoughts are well...a disease, it doesn't make you bad and it doesn't make you a disease either"
He let out a long sigh "Yeah yeah. Sorry just after that convo with about all the people who didn't want me I thought that maybe nobody does and either way the people I have like you could die any second now"
Dee tried to stop him and tell him that he wasn't lying when he said he simply hadn't found the right one yet but Remus continued to ramble over him.
"Like someone could have poisoned your coffee or you have a deadly disease without knowing it or you'll get into a car crash on your way back or you'll fall down a staircase and break your neck or I'll lose control of my body and murder you or-"
"Dear dear please none of that will happen" Deceit assured.
He shook his head as if to force the thoughts out somehow. He covered his ears because he could swear that the thoughts had become more like quiet whispers coming from someone that wasn't him. These type of whispers weren't the kind he liked. It wasn't the fun concepts of murder, it was detailed descriptions of his loved ones death.
"Darling I promise it's not real" Dee continued on while backing away to give him space.
"I should call Roman" He mumbled to himself "Have to see if he's okay....And Remy and Logan and oh god they could be dead right now with flies eating away at their limbs"
"Are the thoughts saying I'm dying too?" Deceit asked while crossing his arms.
Remus' eyes widened as he leaped forward and grabbed the other man's arms. He shook him back and forth "YES. ARe you okay????? Don't drop dead suddenly, please" He was pretty much begging as if Dee could control his own death.
He gently took the duke's hand and moved it up to the area of where his heart was "Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?"
"Your heart beating" His gaze was flickering around the room just as quickly as his thoughts were going.
Deceit moved his hand up to in front of his nose "What are you feeling now?"
"You breathing" His shoulders slumped down as he started to relax just a little.
"So if I am now breathing and my heart is breathing what am I?" His voice was calm and smooth as honey.
"......Alive......BUT that could change very quickly!" Remus dragged his hand away as he said it.
"Oh wow because that is sooo very likely" He lied while rolling his eyes "It's most definitely not more likely that you're imagining things"
"Right right...imagining....not real not real" Remus quietly repeated.
"I promise, I'm alright, Roman's alright, everyone's alright" Deceit patted his shoulder "Are you back in reality?"
He shrugged while looking away "Can we I dunno watch a movie and cuddle? At my place? I just wanna get home so I'm sure Roman's okay and mr.Dixie normus is there and he's really good against bad thoughts" He was talking about his plush octopus.
"Of course" Deceit wrapped an arm around his shoulder and gently pressed a kiss to right under his eye. His eyelashes fluttered against the other man's dark skin. "Which movie should we watch?"
"...You can choose for once" he replied as they started to walk towards the exists.
"That sounds absolutely horrible my dear" He lied with a smirk.