"Penelope." I never thought a nickname could sound so much better in person, but it does.
"Hey" I reply weakly before I'm enveloped in hug. And in that moment I decide I can never go this long without hugging him ever again. Tears spring to my eyes as he holds me, muttering sweet words and kissing my head. It's the comfort I've needed for weeks and it feels so good to be in his arms again. "I missed you." I tell him truthfully, clinging to his back.
He wasn't dressed in much, just a pair of sweatpants but I liked that he didn't get dressed up for me. When we pull apart I'm able to note that my body hasn't been the only one going through some changes lately. He had the makings of a six pack the last time I'd saw him but the lines were nowhere as well defined as they were now. "Have you always had this many abs?" I tease, reaching out to press my hand against his chest.
He laughs, wrapping his hand around mine. "I've been working out with Max." I nod understandably while a comfortable silence settles around us. There's so much to say and yet, it's almost as if the two of us don't know where to start. "Do you uh, want something to drink?" He asks, clearing his throat to break the awkwardness. I nod my head, asking for a water and he's off to retrieve it for me.
His apartment is different from ours back in New York in the way that it's very closed off. In New York, our apartment is so open, you can see everything but the bathroom and bedroom from our kitchen. Here, you walk into the living room and the kitchen is to the left with only a small archway allowing you to see in. There's no dining space and the hall leading to his room is almost claustrophobically small. "You know, I was expecting it to be bigger."
"Hopefully that's not what she said" Josh jokes, bringing me my glass of water. I thank him and take a sip. "But yea, it's a quaint little space. I didn't want anything too big. I mean, it's just me here so." I nod, biting my lip. If we decided to move here we'd certainly need a bigger place before the baby is born. "So, wanna sit?" I nod once more and follow him to the couch. He takes his seat first, patting the spot next to him and I take it happily.
"Comfy." I note, placing my water on the coffee table.
"It is." Another awkward silence. I really just needed to get this over with if we were going to have any shot at holding a real conversation.
"Josh." "Maya." We state at the same time, earning a chuckle from us both. Josh reaches out for my hand.
"Go ahead."
I release a deep, shaky breath and squeeze his hand. "Do you remember what happened before you left New York? The night of your going away party?"
His eyebrows furrow. "Of course I remember...well, most of it. We were a little wasted." A soft chuckle leaves his lips. "Why do you ask?"
I feel the tears already but I will them away as I look at Josh. He was here, holding my hand and he wasn't going anywhere. He promised. "We slipped up."
"Slipped up? Maya, what does that mean?" He asks, scooting closer and I don't realize it until his hand is on my cheek that the tears are indeed falling despite my best efforts to stop them. I couldn't help it. If he stayed, what did that mean for his career? It was selfish of me to even come here-. "Maya." I snap out of my thoughts. "Stop thinking. Talk to me."
I break into sobs. "I can't. It'll ruin everything. You've worked too hard-."
"Penelope." Both his hands are on my face and his blue eyes are searching mine. "Breathe. Okay?" He drops one of his hands from my face and takes my hand, placing it on his chest. "Breathe with me." And I do, every inhale I feel beneath my hand I mirror and we exhale together, his forehead falling to rest against mine.
I sniffle, closing the distance between us and pressing my lips to his. The kiss is selfish. I don't know if it'll be the last time but if it is, I'm making it count. I slide my hand from his chest to behind his neck and moan softly when his tongue slips inside my mouth. If I thought I missed his hugs then I was practically dying without his kisses. I don't want to let go, to end the moment but I have to. I can't continue to be this selfish. I just need to spit it out.
"I'm pregnant." I mutter as we pull apart and I think it takes him a second but I see the reality of what I've said hits him hard. He pulls away from me, his eyes narrowed. "I-I'm sorry" I stutter. "I shouldn't have just blurted that out-."
"Pregnant." He states, almost like the word has confused him. "N-no you can't be. Because we-."
"We slipped up." He stares at me in complete and utter silence. "There were so many times I wanted to tell you but I just couldn't get the words out and then after a while I couldn't keep the words in but I couldn't tell you on the phone. I found out, clutching Riley's hand in our bathroom and even that wasn't enough. I couldn't tell you, couldn't drop this bomb on you to deal with on your own and I'm so, so sorry that I've been so selfish and basically just the worst girlfriend in the world-."
"Penelope." I stop. "We're having a baby?"
I chuckle, unable to help myself. "That's all you got from that?"
"Maya." His hand takes mine once more. "I'm not happy that you kept this from me but not for the reasons you may think. I understand needing time to process and I understand why you wanted to tell me in person, I feel like I might literally collapse with how fast my head is spinning but baby, I could've been there for you. We could've been there for each other." Tears. Again. Just great.
"So, you're not upset?"
His eyebrows furrow. "Upset?" I nod. "Penelope, we love each other and out of that we made a baby. An actual person."
"Yea, that's kinda the scary part." I chuckle.
He smiles softly, reaching out to caress my cheek. "It's also the best part."
"So, you want to keep it?"
For the first time since I told him I see worry etched on his face as he slowly pulls away from me. "You don't?"
And for once, the only time since I saw the results of that damn pregnancy test, I'm finally able to voice the truth; the crazy truth that I've been pushing down for weeks. "Of course I want to keep it." His face breaks out into the biggest grin I've ever seen. "But your career-."
"Will work itself out." He argues but after a moment his bright smile falters. "But dancing, Maya-."
"I quit." His eyes widen. "I had to. The rehearsals were killing me, making me sicker than I already felt and it's just not realistic. I can't be a mom and a dancer right now. Maybe down the line someday but not right now."
His thumb moves across my cheek. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be" I reply, leaning in to peck his lips. "I had three choices the minute I found out" I remind him. "And one of them could've easily left our lives exactly as they were but I just couldn't. My mom had the same choice at my age and had she chose differently, I wouldn't be here. I couldn't live with myself if I made that choice. And giving it up-." I sigh. "Knowing our baby was in the world but knowing we could never have anything to do with it." I shake my head. "It wasn't an option either. I'll miss dancing but I think I've known for a while that it wasn't all that I wanted anymore. A life with you, a house and kids" I trail off, wrapping my arms around his neck. "It's the best future I could ask for."
He exhales deeply. "You have no idea how long I've waited to hear you say that." And when his lips land on mine, the kiss is deep and passionate and without even having to think his hands are on my waist and slipping under my shirt. "You're gonna look so damn cute with a baby bump." He mutters and my heart flutters as the kiss intensifies and we fall back onto the couch where we spend the rest of the night making up for lost time.
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I'm starving when I wake up the next morning. Unfortunately, it's too ungodly early to even think about leaving the house right now. Back home in New York it's nearly nine in the morning but here in Los Angeles it was only inching towards six.
Damn jet lag.
I collapse back onto the bed, Josh still fast asleep next to me and sigh. There was no way that I was going to be able to fall back asleep so instead of dwelling on what I can't change, I climb out of bed and head out to the kitchen.
Unlike the apartment in New York this one just has the basics, a fridge, microwave, stove and a small counter to prepare everything. I open the fridge door, looking inside to find that apparently my boyfriend doesn't cook now either.
There was nothing but leftover take-out and condiments inside which was extremely unhelpful.
I close the fridge door decisively and decide that if I can't make myself breakfast, I'll do the next best thing and order some.
I'm in the midst of confirming my iHop order consisting of far too many pancakes and flavored syrups when my boyfriend walks into the room, still only wearing last night's sweatpants. "What are you doing up so early?" He asks in confusion, rubbing the back of his neck as his eyes adjust to the mild sunlight streaming in through his un-blinded windows.
"It's nine in New York." I remind him, confirming my order and putting my phone back down. "I ordered breakfast."
He chuckles softly, padding across the floor to me and dropping a quick kiss to the top of my head. "Pancakes." He guesses and I nod. "Somethings never change" he murmurs, brushing past me to prepare his morning coffee. Once it's brewing in a pot atop his microwave he turns towards me, leaning against the countertop while I lean against his fridge. "So."
I quirk an eyebrow at him. "So, what?"
"Well" he begins, taking my hand and pulling me closer. "We should probably talk about the elephant in the room, don't you think?"
I furrow my eyebrows. "You bought an elephant." He gives me a playful glare and I chuckle, knowing what he's actually referring to. "What about it?" I ask, sobering and turning serious as I take another small step towards him.
"I don't know. You've had weeks to get used to it, to this idea of us being a family. I guess there's just a few things I think we should get on the same page about."
"Okay." I agree, looping my arms around his neck. "Like what?"
"Well" he begins again. "There is the whole, where are we gonna live thing. I mean, I would love for you to move out here and be with me fulltime but I know that living in New York is everything to you."
I nod in agreement, threading my fingers through his hair. "New York means a great deal to me. It's the city that raised me and leaving it forever would be extremely difficult for me but I know that this is where you have to be for your career right now. And we can't raise this baby on two different coasts, it'll need routine and structure."
He nods in understanding. "So, where does that leave us?"
"That leaves us with a decision to make and we can't make it lightly, on a whim in the middle of your kitchen." My fingers reach up to thread through his hair and he bows his head, resting his forehead against mine. "All I know right now is that nothing needs to change overnight. We have eight months to get ready to jump into the world of parenting."
"True" he concedes, nudging his nose against mine. "Does that mean that you're leaving again?" My lips quirk into a sad smile.
"You know I can't stay. You still have this statewide tour and right now, I need to be with my family."
He nods in agreement, reaching down to peck my lips. I revel in the taste of his lips against mine but he pulls away all too quickly. "I'll let you go on one condition." I hum in response. "We never go as long as we did without seeing each other. I'll fly to New York for every appointment and you'll come out here whenever you start to miss me too much. Promise me."
"I promise" I agree easily, lifting my eyes to his. "But uh, there is one more thing we should probably discuss."
"What?" he asks confusedly. I exhale deeply, ready to voice my particular concerns when the doorbell rings.
I step out of his embrace, heading out of the kitchen to answer the door. "We'll talk over breakfast."
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"So, are you gonna tell me what we still need to discuss? Because I think it's too early to start talking about names and birth plans." I chuckle, spreading butter across my pancakes. I lick the bit that's gotten onto my finger after I set the knife back onto the butter dish and reach for the strawberry syrup.
I had chosen classic pancakes and my favorite flavored syrup while Josh was happy to eat the chocolate chip ones with nothing but whipped cream on top. Sitting here with him made me wonder what our kid will like on their pancakes. Will it take after one of us or like something completely different? Either way, I could already imagine waking up in a house bursting at the seams with love, preparing breakfast for my favorite people in the world.
Nevermind now though, it was just me and Josh sitting around the table and there really was something that had been stirring in the back of my mind that I wanted to talk about. "Your fans" I reply bluntly. His eyebrows furrow in confusion, his fork stopping halfway towards his pancakes.
"My fans. What about my fans?"
My lips purse in fine line and my eyes narrow. He knew exactly why I'd worry about his fans, "your fans, as great as they are for getting you where you are today, they think they own you. Just last night I ran into your neighbor-."
"My neighbor?"
"Yea. Redhead, super into running and evidently wants to sleep with you just like the rest of the world."
He chuckles, reaching for more whipped cream and spiraling it on top of his pancakes. The fluffy, cloud-like circles disappear under the mountain of cream. "Her name is Liv and I've made it quite clear to her that I have a girlfriend. In fact, I've made it quite clear to everyone that I have a girlfriend."
"Hence why there are groups of girls online that live to trash talk me" I rebuttal. "Think of how excited they'll be to find out I'm knocked up" I add sarcastically, taking an aggressive bite of my pancake as my brain formulates an assortment of mean things that I could find in the comments section of a pregnancy announcement.
"Maya." Josh sighs, reaching over the table to take my hand. "It's my life and I'm not going to put up with people who think that they have a say in it. We're in love and out of that we made a baby. Whether it was planned or not, it's exciting and the last thing I want is for some crazy fangirls to ruin this experience for us. Okay?"
I nod in agreement, feeling like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders when he squeezes my hand. "I love you." He tells me, out of the blue like he normally does and it makes my heart flutter.
"I love you too." And with the serious conversations out of the way we're free to talk like we used to, about anything and everything. I tell him about life back home, Smackle, Farkle, Riley and Lucas and he tells me about the band and tour. It's so unbelievably comfortable and neither of us realize how much time has passed until Josh's phone rings, interrupting us.
"Shit, it's my mom." He says, biting his lower lip. It went without saying that I hadn't told his family about the baby so this conversation could certainly be an interesting one.
"Are you gonna tell her?" I ask softly as he stares down at the screen.
Finally, he declines the call and turns his phone over so that the missed call notification can't glare back at him menacingly. "I will. Just not now. I don't wanna spoil the nice day we're having."
I quirk my lips to the side. "You think they'll be that upset?"
He sighs, squeezing my hand once more. "No matter what, we're in it together." It's a sweet sentiment, one that I'll let him think has distracted me from the fact that he didn't actually answer my question. But then again, I don't need his answer because I know Amy and Alan and the last thing they want right now is a grandbaby. "Wanna watch a movie?" He asks, changing the subject. "Or you could watch some Netflix while I clean up the kitchen."
I stand up, grabbing my plate. "I can help in the kitchen" I protest but Josh is quick to bolt out of his seat, grabbing my plate from my hand.
"I got it. Go sit your adorable behind on the couch and relax. You're doing enough already" he says sweetly, pecking my lips before disappearing into the kitchen.
"Let the coddling begin." I whisper softly, smiling despite myself because deep down I couldn't be happier to be coddled by the man that I love. A man unlike my father who would never, ever leave me.