Jord's glaring at me with disdain as he picks his red shirt on the floor. He walks to the door without looking back, then slams it so hard it makes me jump. Suddenly, this room feels so strange and empty.
A nauseating feeling erupts from my belly, reaching my throat and mouth. I spring out of the bed, buttoning my shirt sloppily with my free hand, and run to the bathroom at the end of the hall.
I reach the sink and let cold water run, leaning in with my mouth wide open. Each gag is more violent than the last, and compresses everything between my stomach and my mouth. But nothing comes out.
What have I done? Jord can't just go away like this, the thought hits me and I step back, clasping my back against the wall.
We need to talk this out. That was the plan from the start: to talk. Not to have sex. Why have I not stuck to it.
My right hand is still stuck inside my pocket as I go down the stairs. Not being able to move an arm freely makes a tremendous difference when comes to keeping your balance. I have to be careful, not to end up with a broken neck. I don't want being my personal broken bone fixer.
When I reach the base of the stairs, I spot Jord with his friends. They are all still gathered in the backyard. I guess that is was the spot for the popular ones.
I exhale and walk towards the kitchen, then go past the door that gives to the backyard. I'm wondering where I'm taking the courage to do this from.
I expose myself to the stares and mocking smirks of the seniors reunited there. Mara is still among them. She looks even more drunk than earlier.
Now she's mumbling nonsense in an attempt to sing the song playing inside the house. Her glass is tilted and it spills beer on the grass as she spins. So much for being straight edge. And I'm the one who couldn't stop counting the years until I can legally drink alcohol. . .
Mara doesn't even look my way. Her presence here makes it all more complicated. But I'm not here for her. Not for Jord either. I'm here for myself. To finally understand where things will go from here. Suddenly, I feel more fearless and I walk forward.
Patrick doesn't look at me in the same welcoming way as he did earlier when I arrived. He is poking at Jord's shoulder to warn him about my presence. But Jord's having none of it, even when Patrick mutters to him that I am here. I stand behind him. In silence.
He turns around with a heavy sigh. "What?" His tone is impatient.
"We need to talk," I try to be firm, but my words still come out more timidly than I want.
"About what?" he says.
One of the guys in the group comes forward in chuckles, probably due to the alcohol and not the situation.
"You're in trouble with a junior kid?" he teases.
I feel the urge to punch him in the face and make his nose ruddier than it already is. I sigh and focus on Jord again. Trying to have this conversation with him is already hard enough.
"Don't just pretend nothing happened," I say, trying to tame the anger that seems to be taking control of me.
He licks his lips, glances right and left then points to the door spot. I nod and we go there together.
"What is there to talk about?" His tone is calmer now. Judging by the way he's avoiding looking straight into my eyes, I can tell that he's ashamed. Maybe I have overestimated him, and all this is just as difficult to him as it is to me.
"What is this all about?" I say, "you started this. I didn't want to get my hopes up. I tried for weeks. Why did you have to go and ask me out to the Sweet-T, only to not show up in the end? You didn't even bother to come up with a proper excuse. A Fucking lie would be better than the silence. You sent me that fucking love poem and you asked me to come to this party. Only to have sex? And you kept that a secret from me."
He gestures for me to keep my voice down.
I'm reluctant, but I obey him. "I'm not ready to go thus far, okay?" Every time I try to gesture with my hands, I'm reminded that my right hand is still stuck inside my pocket. I sigh.
"I just didn't know that was all you wanted from me." I can't avoid but lowering my voice even further.
His furrowed eyebrows now give him the look of an eagle.
"What are you talking about?" he asks.
I frown. I'm confused. This guy is worse than I thought. "What?"
"What love poem are you talking about?" He says.
"The one you sent me, where you said you liked me."
He laughs mockingly even before I finished saying the words.
"Dude, I never sent you any poem. Look, I'm confused, okay? I've been trying to figure things out about my sexuality. This shit is super compliacted to me. I find you cute and I wanted to test things. I can see you're not ready. Shit, I'm not even ready myself. I've apologized about standing you up that day we were supposed to meet at the Sweet. I got diarrhea that night. Out of nowhere. There you have if you needed that information so badly. Believe it or not I wasn't planing on taking my clôture off at the tea shop. But I'm not in love with you, Jay. I never sent you any poem." His words feel like a blade to my heart.
So, this is what it was all about.
Mara is coming our way. She looks ridiculous. "Hey, air-head," she says cheerfully. I don't know why she's laughing but it's extremely irritating.
She leans on Jord shoulders. "I'm such a bad friend. I haven't even responded to any of your texts and calls."
She brushes her forehead on Jord's shoulders, grimacing like she has a headache. "I know I'm drunk, dude, but I'm really sorry. I just felt bad for not telling you, you know. About my man Jord here. So, I thought I'd just—" She throws up before she's able to finish her sentence and Jord helps her keep her balance.
"She's not doing very well," Jord says, looking, pulling her hair into a bun. He looks at me with a pained look. "I've seen you two together in school. You know her address? I can drive her home if you come with me," he says.
His words are meaningless noise to me now. Jord has never sent me that poem and Mara has known it all along a she didn't tell me. My best friend. . .
I turn away, push the glass door open and traverse the living room, and reach the entry and leave the house.
It's only when I'm outside that the rage turns into overwhelming sadness. I fight back tears that threaten to fall, but the sides of my eyes are getting hotter as I walk away from the house.
The tears flooding my eyes make me see a blurred, poorly lit way. I give up and the tears roll down. A sob follows. Why am I crying? This is so stupid.
My thoughts seem to demand all the energy I have, leading me to lean on the first wall I find outside. And I cry some more.
A soft hand pats my shoulder, but it doesn't even feel comforting this time.
"Why didn't you tell me during all this time? You were supposed to know, of all people." I get away from Cindy's touch.
Cindy remains silent there. Of course, he doesn't have anything to say, after making me believe in a love that doesn't exist. It never existed.
He exhales. "Your hand is free now," he says.
As soon as my hand is out of my pocket, I try to get rid of the golden bracelet around my wrist, only to have the same outcome as the first time I tried to do it.
"Oh, Jay." Cindy comes near me. "You don't know how much I'm sorry. I was so caught up on the rules of this search of love things that I thought that if I just was able to make you see things on time, you would understand."
"Understand what?" I say, and his face looks even more pained. "Well, I guess I understand now. I'm fucking alone."
"Jay." His knits his brows, and he seems to be pondering on his words for a moment, then sighs and says. "It's never been Jord, darling. From that night at the tea shop. I had made sure you went there, but also made sure Jord didn't. Because he's never been the one. I'm here to help you, but there are these stupid rules that prevent me from telling you things as they are. Everything I can do is send you hints until you see the truth for yourself. Now, seeing you this way... you can't imagine how much I am disappointed on myself for not understanding how useless these rules were before." He's looking down as his speaks, his eyes and part of his nose are hidden behind the thick bangs of his dark blue weave.
"And you're telling me all this now," I say.
"It took me some time, but I don't care anymore. I've never liked this job. I have never been good with magic. I admire you humans. You're not afraid of your emotions. Look at you, Jay. You're so strong. You don't live for a long time but at least you do. And you have the freedom to live however you want. People from where I come from are so stiff, so grey and void. Like machines trying to get into some company where they will spend the next five hundred years. I wanted to prove people wrong, that I am capable of landing a job, after failing two times. So much that I forgot that I don't want any of this. I would prefer to be like you. I'll never forgive myself for hurting you so much."
Cindy snaps his fingers; they shine and he's grabbing a golden key now. A gentle touch of the small key on the bracelet and it clicks open. He takes the bracelet off my wrist and throws it away without even looking.
"Gone," he says.
"So, you want to become a human?"
He shakes his head, whispering, "Anything would be nicer than being a fairy, but can I ever change that?" He pauses. "At least I know what I don't want. I guess it's a beginning, right?" He shrugs to himself.
I remain silent.
Sitting here, I feel like I've run an entire marathon. "I don't understand so many things. Why did you sign me up to the poetry club then?"
"Oh Jay. I think you still don't get it, do you?"