I was broken.
Why was the world still turning?
I clenched my jaw, gazing at the road ahead. I couldn't understand how everything remained the same. Each golden-reddish ray of the dusky sun as pristine as every single day. Like my heart wasn't bleeding. Like my world wasn't ripped. Like everything was just the way it had been before the sky came crashing down.
I wasn't rationalizing anymore. I was angry. At myself. At the world. At everything around me. Except him.
Because no matter what I did, I was way past the point of salvation. He could tear me into shreds, and I'd still love him with an intensity that made my soul rip.
I pulled up into Rosalie's silent driveway and made my way to the front porch. I rang the doorbell and waited for Scarlett to answer it. She opened the door after a good five minutes, which made me wonder if she had been in her room.
She smiled brightly when she saw me. "Mason! What a surprise!"
She flung her arms around me. I let her embrace me, reacting with extra enthusiasm. When she leaned back I kissed her cheek and gave her my most winning smile. "Hey."
Her eyes shone, widening in surprise. Her cheeks were coloured with a rush of pink. I grasped her hand in mine and started walking inside.
"Did I interrupt something?" I asked as I gazed at her outfit. She wore brown jeans and a floral top. Her hair braided. The blush on her cheeks deepened and she shook her head. "Er not really."
"What did I interrupt?" I asked, grinning at her.
She sighed, "Well...I was just trying to decide what I should wear on my first day." She shook her head. "To make an impression you know. I'm really nervous."
"I could help you with that. I'm a bit of a mogul."
She laughed as she led me into her room. I dropped her hand finally and gazed around at the room, bewildered.
"When did you raid clothes from the entire country?"
She chuckled, taking my hand in hers and leading me towards the bed. A huge pile of clothes littered the mattress and most of the floor. The clashing hues of colours made me a little dizzy.
"I'm actually kinda closing in on this-" she plopped herself on the mattress, sitting on a pile of clothes and taking out a pair of shredded, light blue jeans. "Maybe pair it with a white shirt or something?"
"I don't know if a shirt is the way to go," I said shrugging. "Maybe you're overthinking."
"I have to be casually carelessly purposefully chic," she sighed and shook her head.
"There's a bunch of stuff you said there that I don't quite understand."
She grinned. "That's okay. Come here." She patted her hand on the tiny bit of visible mattress, devoid of the avalanche of clothes. I sat beside her, gazing at her intensely as she rambled on. It felt like she was speaking slowly, as if through underwater. Or perhaps it was simply my uncomprehending brain.
"I think I could go with something really over the top and opt for like a dress or something."
In my head, I pictured Gray, with a faceless woman. Envy, anger and crippling sadness ravaged my insides. How could I have meant nothing to him? How insignificant had I been? Like a fool, I had confessed. The way he'd held me. Kissed me. Made love to me. How could he be so cruel? Could I truly never be his equal? Was it my fault for reaching for the stars?
Perhaps. But I had merely wanted to be enough. Just for once.
"- but that'll I'll make me appear really weird and I'll stand out-" Scarlett rambled on. I wasn't really listening, tormented by his memories.
He didn't care. He was with someone else. Cutting me off had been easy for him. Just like that. Was he really different then? When at the end of the day he had just done what everyone else did.
Use and throw.
My lungs wouldn't expand completely.
My heart wouldn't beat fully.
I was floating timelessly.
Before I could quite rationalize, I leaned over and kissed her, my brain disconnecting from my body. I wanted to take revenge.
Hopefully, he'd hear. Hopefully, he'd know. But was it even revenge if he didn't care?
Her mouth froze for a while but her body slowly relaxed, our lips soon moving in tandem.
I needed to forget his touch.
I gently pushed her onto the pile of clothes, kissing her fervently. My conflicting emotions rose in a destructive tide in my chest. I sucked her bottom lip, trailing my mouth on her jaw, to her ear. Nibbling softly. I kept waiting for her to push me away, but she didn't. Her hands reached out to frame my face as she kissed me back.
My damaged heart echoed in my hollow chest.
'You're mine, Xavier"
Fucking liar.
'You're beautiful. You're amazing. You're worth so much more.'
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
Nothing. I wasn't worth anything.
I gasped, touching my forehead to hers as a tangible pain ripped through me. Suffocating me. I was burning. Scorching away. And I didn't know how to stop. Resurface.
"Mason?"
I leaned back away from her, collapsing beside her on the mattress. I gazed upwards at the ceiling.
What was I?
Pathetic.
She didn't say anything. I was barely aware of her hand finding mine. She turned on her side, hugging my arm close, silently.
I bit my lip, turning my face away from her. I wasn't so cruel. I wasn't going to take something special away from her just to ward off my emptiness. Guilt burnt inside me. Had it been her first kiss? Perhaps. Who was I to take away her first everything just because I had had my own stripped from me?
My first time had been with a stranger. A woman. Attractive, mid twenty's. I didn't really remember her face or anything that happened. I wondered what it would have been like had it been with Grayson. Had I experienced his tender, gentle touch.
How could I just forget it now?
"What's wrong?" She propped herself on her elbow and gazed at me as I forced myself to face her. "Are you okay?"
I gave her a humourless smile, my voice a hoarse whisper. "I've never been less okay."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Her eyebrows furrowed in concern.
My throat felt constricted. I shook my head slightly.
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
I shook my head again, my heart wrenching. She lay back down, staring straight upwards. Our arms touching.
"When do you start your new school?" I asked after a while even as my voice trembled.
She was quiet for a while. "Next week. I guess I should be nervous."
"You'll do great, Scarlett. You're a great person." I gazed sideways at her as she smiled softly.
"Thanks. You're okay too."
I sighed, turning my face back towards the ceiling.
"Do you love my mother, Mason?"
I remained quiet before sighing softly, "No. It was just...sex."
"How different is it really?" She mused aloud, turning around to face me. My heart lurched painfully.
Grayson.
My chest was tight. My heart freezing at the mere thought of his name.
"It's... very different," I spoke, my voice low. "When it's with someone you love..." I shuddered slightly, struggling to keep my voice even. "There's only ever been one for me. It's not just bodies. It's like your souls are making love. Like your hearts are beating as one. It feels like the home you never had. Like the entire world could burn and you wouldn't care as long as you have him. As long as he would hold you. "
And now he never would. And I would never be sane again.
I couldn't believe I could utter the words that I just had. When had I become so weak? So vulnerable?
She sucked in a deep breath, leaning closer to me, resting her head on my shoulder. I found solace in the tiny gesture. "He's a really lucky man."
I bit my lip again. "He doesn't want me."
My voice cracked and I almost broke down again, turning my face away from her. Hating everything.
I gazed at the wall, feeling suddenly cold. Like my entire being was encased in unforgiving ice.
"Mason." She gently wrapped her arms around me, holding me close. I let her. I was too exhausted from the anguish to push her away. "Tell me about it."
"It's...simple on paper." I laughed humourlessly. "I love him...so fucking much. And...he doesn't."
"How do you know?" she asked, holding me closer. I was too weak to stop her.
"Because he has someone else." The words felt like sand rolling down my throat. The idea of Grayson with someone else felt like I was being damned into the infernal depths for absolution.
"What if he doesn't want to be with that someone else? What if he wants to be with you?" she asked softly.
I closed my eyes. Why would he want to be with me? I've sold my morals, my body, my ethics, everything. I was nothing compared to him.
"Things aren't always as easy as they seem, Mason. You never really know." She took a deep breath. "You need to give love a chance. Talk to him. Tell him the truth. Find out the truth. And if he asks you to leave, then never go back. But you have to make that little effort. You'll hate yourself forever if you don't."
"I already do," I spoke in barely a whisper.
"Mason..." She leaned over and placed her cheek on mine. "Don't say that."
I felt guilt bubbling in my stomach. She was comforting me, and soon, I was going to rip her world apart. Just as I had for so many people before.
I was exhausted from feeling, my eyelids fluttering shut. I wasn't used to falling asleep in strange places, however, my body gave up before my heart did.
We fell asleep. Our bodies embracing warmly. My eyes fluttered open a while later when there was a loud sound of the familiar numerology alarm. She groaned as she got up. I realized she had fallen asleep spooning me and felt another surge of guilt.
"Argh, I don't know where it is." She rose to her feet and started pulling clothes and dropping them to the floor, searching for the muffled sounds of her ringing phone.
I got to mine and started helping her, pushing around clothes till I finally spotted her phone ringing with a snoozed alarm from this morning. I gazed at the screen and realised that it was almost ten.
"Just cancel it." She shook her head. "I keep snoozing it throughout the entire day."
I placed my thumb on the little 'x' and started dragging it to the left before my heart stopped.
The number flashing on the screen was eight. I stared at it, something clicking in my brain.
"Scarlett-"
My heart hammered as I handed her the phone. She shook her head and shut the alarm. "One of these days I'll be deleting this stupid app."
"I have to leave, Scarlett, " I could feel blood pounding in my ears. She gazed at me, her eyes wide but nodded.
"Is everything o-?"
I took off, walking hurriedly.
There was no way this was a coincidence or a mistake. I had to make sure. I fished out my phone, my fingers were cold from the anticipation. My hand trembled as I dialled in Harold's number.
"Black," I spoke breathlessly when he answered on the second ring.
"Xavier, what's-"
"I need the recordings. From Rosalie's and Scarlett's bedroom. Voice to text. Immediately."
He was quiet before I heard some movement. "Did you find-?"
"I think so yeah." I opened the door and got into my car, revving up the engine. "A soft copy if possible. I need to go through the entire transcripts."
He was quiet. "That will take some time." I heard some clicking and realised he was still in office. "I can get them to you by, midnight. Will that work?"
I gazed at Rosalie's mansion disappearing in the background. "It'll have to."
"Alright, I'll get them to you."
I thanked him and hung up, biting my lip. My entire body seemed suddenly alive. All my senses were hyperactive. My skin tingling with nervousness. I knew there had to be a link. The 'lucky numbers' that she followed so religiously held a greater significance than I thought.
And this significance would ruin Rosalie Atkinson.