This song is hauntingly beautiful.
I shuddered, tears falling down my eyes.
I hid my face in my hands, bowing my head to try and get hold of myself. But somehow, I couldn't stop. My body trembled. I felt powerless. Violated.
I was crushed. Ripped to pieces. And nothing could fix me.
I was humiliated that they had heard everything I had done. That in spite of everything I had done for them, they still couldn't be honest with me. As if I didn't deserve that much either.
There was a knock on the door and Grayson's voice called, muffled. "Xavier, come out."
I didn't answer. How could I look at him? I had never been so utterly humiliated in my entire life. He had heard me. Grayson had heard me with Rosalie. Reznick. My skin crawled at the thought of how I had bent Reznick to my will.
Harold had heard me. He had heard me begging Grayson. He had heard me pleading for his touch. When I was most vulnerable. So far, I had only thought of myself as a mere disposable object. And now, they had actually made me.
"Xavier," his voice was softer now, "please come out."
I didn't answer. I begged and prayed that he would leave me alone.
"Xavier. Hey. Xavier."
My heart broke at the way he called my name. So soft. So tender. Like he was afraid my very name would shatter.
He knocked on the door again. I bit my lip to keep from crying out loud. My face turned hot, my ears ringing from the embarrassment and shock. I gazed at my arm, suddenly becoming aware of the throbbing ache. My arm had started bleeding again. The scarlet soaking through my t-shirt. I clutched my chest as if expecting to feel the hot liquid there as well. I staggered to my feet, walking over to the sink. I didn't look at my broken reflection. I turned on the tap as water gushed out.
"Xavier." I heard his voice shift and realized he was crouching on the floor, speaking softly through the door. "I'm sorry. I'm...I've been under a lot of stress. And I took it out on you. I'm so sorry, Xavier."
I didn't care that he had hurt me. What shattered me was how little respect they had for me. How little respect he had for me. Like I was nothing. A mere tool which they could use however they wanted to reach their end goal.
Even for him. I hadn't meant anything even for him.
How had I dared to dream? How had I dared to hope that we were equal? When our worlds couldn't be different. When the stars were closer to my reach than he was?
I pulled my sleeve above my elbow and washed the injury, watching the colourless water turn to scarlet. I pulled the cloth back down, the dark red now darkening further. I washed my face, rubbing it roughly with a towel. I didn't want him to see me this way. I didn't want anyone to see me this way. He didn't deserve to see me so feeble.
I gazed at my reflection in the mirror, trying to discern any shards of humanity that I had left. Any pieces of conscience that I had preserved. Any visage of respect that I had for myself. All I was met with was an empty, bottomless void. Witnessing the inky chasm made my heart scream in anguish. Where had I lost myself?
I finally stepped out after a quarter of an hour. Waves of destructive emotions were drowning my heart. Grayson stood near the door, he had risen as I entered the room.
I clenched my fists, all my thoughts merged into one. "I'm not going to do this anymore."
He gazed at me, his eyes momentarily shifting to my wet sleeve. Anguish flashed across his features. "I hurt you." He looked back at me, his eyes pits of darkness. "Xavier-"
"Don't you worry about that." I injected as much malice into the words as I could with my shaky voice. "I did not sign up for this, Shelby. I cannot fucking believe how you exploited me. You're fucking disgusting. All of you."
He sighed softly, his brows furrowed. "Trust me, Xavier. I didn't want to go through with it. But it was necessary. We bugged her apartment but it was essential that we could keep an eye on her even when she was out-"
"You won't ever understand, Shelby," I whispered, hating how badly my voice was trembling. Hating how powerless I felt. "You don't know what it's like to be treated as an object."
He was quiet for a while. When he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper. "We...turned it off when you were with someone. Making love."
I laughed deliriously. "Making love? I don't know how to fucking make love. That is not what I do. You fucking know that. You know all about my 'clients.'"
He fidgeted on his feet. "I'm sorry, Xavier. For that day. For everything. I was way out of li-"
"I don't fucking need your worthless apology!" I yelled at him, balling my fists. "I am not going to go through with this any longer. I fucking quit."
He sighed deeply, shutting his eyes as if in physical pain. "Xavier...I understand that you're-"
"Stop with the damn pretence, Grayson," I said, my chest heaving as I took in desperate lungfuls of air. "I've had enough. I'm quitting this instant."
He sighed again, biting his lip. "You can't. You're legally bound."
I scoffed. "Legally bound my fucking ass. I was sixteen. I was homeless. What you guys did was exploit my vulnerability. That is what you are doing right now. What you've always done."
His eyes clouded with something close to regret. A savage pleasure ripped through me.
I shuddered as I went on. "What the fuck did I ever do to you guys? I have done nothing except give everything to complete your stupid assignments. Every fucking time. And all of that doesn't mean shit to you. And you-" my anger bubbled up as I moved closer to him, glaring at him menacingly. "You pretend to care about me, Grayson Shelby. You fucking pretend. But in reality, you don't think anything of me. You don't even respect me."
"I'm sick of this, Gray," I whispered, tears streaming down my face. His lower lip quivered, his eyes unfathomably dark. He looked like he was broken. But he couldn't be more that I was. My heart shattered, suffocating me under its weight. Everything felt heavy. An unending chasm in my chest. "I'm sick of being treated like this. I'm sick of being so disposable. I'm sick of not meaning anything. I'm exhausted of what I've become. And I want out. I want out of this. Please."
My voice broke. My shoulders trembling as I started crying shamelessly. I detested myself even more. Pathetically breaking down in front of a man who didn't care about me. I don't know what I was expecting. I was starving for something. Yearning. I just couldn't understand what.
I froze as his arms encircled me in a warm embrace. The little action broke the visage of resolve in me and I shattered completely.
I was too exhausted to push him away. He held me close, my tears drenching his shirt. He stroked my back, my head gently. "It's okay," he whispered soothingly as I tried hard to control myself, my face buried in his sturdy chest. "I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I can't...see you like this."
For a moment the tangible ache in his voice made my heart stop. It was all a pretence. He would pull me in and push me away whenever he wanted.
I was barely aware as he pulled me onto the sofa. Sitting down on it and pulling me onto his lap. I encircled my arms around his neck, still sobbing pathetically. His arms wrapped protectively around me.
"It's okay, Xavier. You're okay."
I lost track of time as I remained enclosed in his arms. His scent, his strong body against mine, his hot breath, his steady heartbeat. Everything was making my heart unhinge as it lusted for more. I pushed closer against him. I couldn't understand the feeling in my chest. The comfort. The longing. The hesitation.
The fear.
What was I afraid of?
Feeling.
"I do respect you, Xavier," he whispered, placing his chin on my shoulder. "I think you're amazing." My heart raced as he kissed the sensitive spot below my ear, sending a jolt of electricity through me. "You're brilliant." He trailed his lips to my neck. "You're beautiful." His mouth travelled along my jaw. "You're worth so much." He concluded near my lips.
I couldn't breathe at his words. Cursing my stupid heart as it yearned again. He was just saying that to make me feel better. He didn't mean it. But I wanted to believe. My stomach knotted nervously.
"Xavier..." he whispered softly. His lips trailing back to my ear. Tracing gentle kisses on my neck. My stomach clenched at the husky tone of his voice.
Desire. Lust. Hunger. Need.
"You said you'd never made love." His hand stroked my back, moving lower. "Let me be your first then."
I froze at his words. Electricity shooting through my nerves. I leaned back to gaze at him, looking for any sign that he was joking. Testing. Teasing me. Mocking me.
He caressed my face gently, his eyes dark. He leaned forward and kissed me slowly. Sensually. Leaving no doubt as to what he wanted. I broke the kiss and gazed into his eyes, my chest constricting. I closed my eyes again in anticipation as he leaned closer.
I couldn't do it. I didn't know how to. I hadn't learnt tenderness. Or caring. Or a loving touch. All I had principally ruled sex on was lust. It was a feeble foundation. My heart never had any role in that which my body and its desires personally led. But with him, it would be so much more different. Because with him I felt safe. He was the only person I had allowed myself to rely on. I hated the fact that I couldn't even be mad at him. He was so kind to me. Even when I didn't deserve it.
But he told me that I did. He told me I was brilliant. Beautiful. Worthy. And just like that, I believed him. I felt his hot breath mingling with mine as my eyelids fluttered close, my heart rampaging in my chest. I was still encased in his warm, secure embrace. And for that second stretching into cosmic infinity, I felt safe.
And I surrendered.
Well next chapter is going to be~~~~~~
Did y'all notice I changed the chapter names? Been wanting to do that since long now. For the seventeenth chapter I found a great name and really wanted to use it for the chapter, so I went back and renamed all of them!
HEYHEYHEYHEY Beautiful XD If you like the chapters please spank that little star and send some fairy dust through your screen ^___^