I wake up in the middle of the night, having a panic attack. I feel him on me and inside me. Why couldn't I fight back better? How did I let this happen? I grip my head as I bury it between my knees, trying to control my breathing. What if I do get pregnant with his baby? I want to throw up just at the thought of it, and also from not fully sleeping off all the booze. I make my way to the bathroom, trying to stop the shaking as I do. I try throwing up, but I just keep dry heaving. I only feel worse, and the shaking has increased. I shove my fingers down my throat and finally make something happen. I vomit until there's nothing left. I lay on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, my stomach aching near where I'm still not fully healed. I clutch my stomach, willing myself not to feel anything anymore. I've done it before. I can do it again. I try, and I lay there not wanting to move until it works.
"Ugh!" I exclaim after a while. "Why won't it fucking work?" I start to cry again wishing I could change the past or erase my memories. I'm not going to be getting back to sleep anytime soon, so I decide to take a long shower. Steam fills the room as I step into the shower. I let the water just wash down me. I imagine the water actually washing away any places Ray touched me last night. I take my loofa and scrub everywhere, and then I scrub them all again. After the fourth time of scrubbing everywhere, I finally get out. I wipe the steam of the mirror and notice the bruises that have formed on my neck. I'm going to have to get more creative than just makeup to cover up these guys. I do put on layer after layer of makeup, until they just look faded. I blow-dry and straighten my hair so I can wear it down to hide my neck. I touch them lightly, remembering how tight Ray's grip got. I look at myself one last time in the mirror, taking notice of the bruises on my hips and thighs too. I sigh and move to dress accordingly.
I throw on a pair of leggings and a sleeveless sweatshirt before making my way out to make coffee. As soon as I open the door, I can smell the pot someone is already brewing. Curious and cautious, I make my way into the kitchen, but no one is in here. I grab a mug and some honey, and I pour myself a cup.
"I thought I might see you out here," I turn around and face Derrick. I look at him, and he looks as tired as I feel. "Look, Harper," he runs a hand through his disheveled hair, as he clearly tries to find the words.
"Don't worry about it Derrick," I say before he starts again. "I should have told you everything back then. I should have told you everything as soon as I got home. You and I were always too passionate to work anyway," I shrug as I stir my coffee.
"You don't mean that," he accuses. "Once again, you're saying things to either push me away or keep me at a safe distance. Which one of us do you actually think you're protecting?" He steps closer to me, and instantly the smell of his bodywash overpowers me.
"Derrick, I," the words catch in my throat, and I have no idea what he wants me to say.
"Harper, when I found out about you and Ray, I was hurt. I was angry. I was devasted. I thought our biggest problems were something else entirely up until recently. Never would I have imagined that it was another man, let alone Ray."
"Ray and I, it's not what you think it was." I bite my lip, afraid of what I might say. A lot might have been said last night, but the nature of my and Ray's actual relationship is still a secret.
"Well then, what was it? Please, Harper, just tell me. I've been wracking my brain, trying to understand how I couldn't have seen, how I didn't know. I don't want to feel all this rage. I want to understand why you chose to go back to him again and again, but also stay with me." I stare into the black void that is my coffee, last night playing over and over in my mind.
"Please," I beg Derrick, "please don't make me talk about it."
"Why? Did he hurt you?" Derrick asks, a new rage beginning to build. "Harper, tell me right now," he demands as he grabs me. I pull back from his grip and straighten my stance a little more.
"Please don't grab me with such force, Derrick," he takes a step back. "I know we opened a gate last night, but that doesn't mean I'm ready to dive back into it before coffee."
"Harper, I'm not trying to force anything here, but I need to know if I need to get Ray out of this house, or if I'm assuming wrong."
"Derrick, Ray is like a brother to you and Dad. I'm not someone worth ruining that over." Before he can say anything else, I walk out of the room and make my way outside. He's not wrong entirely, especially after last night. That was a far different Ray than I've seen in the past. Plus, all that stuff he said about love and belonging to him, it made me more scared. The things he's done for Dad and Derrick over the years though, I really am not worth ruining that over. I light up a cigarette, wondering if in a couple weeks I'll have to give these up again. If Ray got what he wanted, I will. So much of my body aches, even after the heat of the shower. After wanting to tell people things, after wanting to talk to someone about everything, I want to never discuss any of it again. It hurts. It all hurts too much. When it's a more appropriate time, I'm going to go over and just hang with Pawpaw. He won't press me about things I don't want to talk about or judge me; he'll just talk and talk about his past. I'll be there. I'll be there to listen.
"Harper?" Derrick walks out looking tired and guilty. I'm at fault for that.
"What is it Derrick?" I ask as I return my gaze out onto the barely lit yard.
"I'm not just going to leave you alone anymore. You've pushed me away with only partial parts of the whole story, and you're still doing that. I've let you, thinking you just need more time, but I'm not doing that anymore," he comes around to stand in front me. "I need to know. I need to know everything. Even if it hurts, it's time that I know." I sigh as I skootch over to make room for him. Cautiously, he moves forward and takes a seat. We sit in silence a little longer, but you can't escape the inevitable.
"It's a long story Derrick."
"I'm here to listen."
"You won't like a lot of it."
"I know that much already."
"You have to promise me something first," I say and turn to face him. "Promise me, you won't confront anyone about what I'm going to tell you. I don't want to be the person that ruins someone else's life, no matter how much you may think they deserve it." An image of Ray grabbing my throat flashes through my mind again, but I push it out.
"I don't know if I can promise that, Harper." I take a sip of my coffee, waiting to see if he'll say more. When he doesn't, I take a couple drags of my cigarette, wondering if we'll ever get past all of this. "I have something that I thought you might want back." I look over at Derrick, wondering what it could be. He pulls something barely glimmering out of his pocket, and my heart stops. Laying in his palm is a gold bracelet made to look like a delicate golden vine.
"My bracelet!" I gasp. I can't believe he's kept it all this time.
"You don't have to wear it, but it's time I gave it back to you." I hold my hand out, waiting for him to put it on me. His face melts from shock into a shy smile as he gingerly puts the bracelet on me.
"I still need you to promise me, Derrick," I say as I take another drag from my cigarette.
"Why? What good will it do anyone?"
"Derrick, when I got out of the hospital, you told me about how Dad and Ray saved you from your dad."
"That's not," he pauses getting all flustered. "That doesn't excuse," he begins again.
"I know it's no excuse, but it makes sharing all of what I need to that much more difficult. I've had a lot of time to think about things, and a part of me still harbors so much anger. Being home though, going through everything with Pawpaw and my surgery, facing people I've been too afraid to even talk to, it's opened my eyes a little." I take a deep breath, the mixed smell of coffee and smoke filling my nostrils. After last night, I realize how many things have gotten worse because I ran away from them. Last night with Ray would have never happened if I had stayed and handled it all before. "I don't want revenge. I don't want to ruin anyone else's life because briefly I felt like mine was. I want to tell you everything because you deserve to hear it."
"Then tell me, please Harper. You have to try to understand how I'm feeling."
"Have you tried to understand how I'm feeling at all?" I turn on him. Since I've been home it's been all talk about how he feels now, how I broke his heart then, how dare I not tell him everything. I've been told I only have so much time as if my time away should have been time enough to heal all wounds. Then, on top of everything, Ray makes me have sex with him. Images of last night flash through my mind quickly and painfully. Tears begin to form again, and I quickly light up another cigarette.
"I'm sorry Harper," Derrick finally speaks, looking off into the distance. "I cannot imagine what it's like to lose a baby and feel like you have to go through that alone. I don't want you to feel like you have to go through any more of it alone though. I don't know what the future may hold for you and me, but I'll always be here for you." He turns back toward me, and I know he believes he means his words. I sigh and look back out into the yard. I should tell him, only not about last night. Ray's threat still plays through my head.
"Thank you." I take a couple more drags from my cigarette while we sit in more silence. I feel as though some of the coffee is starting to work its way through my body, waking up every vein and nerve.
"Listen, if it means that much to you," Derrick finally sighs and continues, "I will do my best not to say anything to anyone. If I believe you're currently in any kind of danger though, I cannot keep that promise." That simply solidifies me not telling Derrick about last night with Ray. I can only imagine how that would turn out. "Is that reasonable?" I half-smile up at him and nod my head.
"First, can we go inside? I need more coffee and perhaps a muffin." Derrick simply laughs as we stand up, and he gestures for me to lead the way. I discard my cigarette butts on my way in, with CharlesBarkley not far behind. I top us both off while two lemon poppyseed muffins heat up in the microwave. We make our way into the sunroom, so that we'll have plenty of time to change subjects if someone were to wake up. We take seats opposite each other, and I can immediately feel my nerves lighting up. Neither one of us says anything for a little while, so I nibble at my muffin.
"So," Derrick begins as he clears his throat.
"I'm sorry," I cut him off before he can say anything. "I'm just nervous," I explain as I tap on the side of my coffee mug.
"Right now, I'm just here to listen," Derrick says with a reassuring smile. I half-heartedly return his smile and take a deep breath.
"Well we were dating, you and I," I point to him and then me as if that needed clarification. "We broke up maybe less than a year in, and I was devasted. I was a mess, and I was crying in the quad," I can't keep my voice from shaking a little. "Ray saw me crying. He asked me if I wanted to go talk, and I did. We went up to his office, and I told him about me and you. We drank, we talked about other stuff and we drank some more. In the pits of drunken loneliness and connection, we ended up having sex," I blush at the word, remembering his couch like it was yesterday. So many confusing emotions and so much alcohol. Derrick doesn't say anything though; he seems intent on hearing the whole story. "I left to clean up in the restroom, and when I got back, we discovered he accidentally recorded us."
"What?" Okay, so much for no interruptions after all.
"Again, it was an accident," I hold up my hands signifying that the story isn't over. "He hoped that that night meant more to me than it did, that he could see it even in the video. I told him I still loved you, even though we were over. I think I accidentally kept him on the hook, giving him hope that somewhere down the line it would be me and him together." I take a deep breath and drink my coffee. Derrick sits back looking less calm and a lot more concerned. "You and I got back together not long after that, and I didn't get to tell Ray. He saw us out one night, and he called me the next day. He asked me to come help him with how he wanted to introduce himself in class or something. We did talk about that, but it was mostly a ruse. Ray confronted me about seeing us together, asking if we were back together. He told me you were only toying with my emotions, allowing yourself one last fling before settling down. A part of me always believed those words even before he said them. He told me," I pause, remembering his words about knowing what it's like to settle down with the wrong person. He told me he knew he finally found the right person with me.
"Harper?" Derrick breaks me from my memory, and I realize I hadn't talked in a while. "What did he tell you?"
"That he loved me," I answer with a shrug. Derrick leans back again, clearly bewildered by my story so far. "He said I belong to him, and he would prove that to me. He kissed me right after that. I kissed him back for a moment because a part of me was drawn to him. I ended it before it could go any further that day. I told him you and I were together, and he would just have to accept that. Only, I didn't leave it there; once again, I left the door open to a possible future for us by telling him maybe one day things would be different. I don't know why I kept doing that. I didn't really think I believed my words, but a strong part of me wanted to please him. With the start of the Spring semester, things mostly went back to normal. I did bump into Ray more often than I had before, even sometimes when I was with you. I wasn't sure if it was the universe sending me signs that I really did belong to him or punishing me for sleeping with your best friend. I thought about telling you, after all it was only that one time and you and I had been broken up. Either you would understand, or that would solidify the theory that we would never last."
"I like to think I would have been mad, but willing to work with you on our relationship," Derrick muses sadly. I pick little pieces of my muffin, no longer as hungry as I was before.
"Well, it didn't really matter. I scheduled office hours with Ray around the time I was thinking this. I wasn't doing well in his class, and I truly hoped for his advice. He seemed genuinely excited to sit and talk with me. I was his last appointment for the day, so we had a drink. I told myself I wouldn't let things go the way they had the last time. In some ways, things were different this time. We ended up kissing, but then I pushed him away. I told him I would get someone else to tutor me because I wasn't being fair to either of us. He wouldn't let me leave though. He said I needed to open my eyes to the signs the universe was giving us. Ray poured his heart out to me, his passion taking over all his facets. Before I knew it, there we were on his desk. I couldn't believe how I got swept up into his passions. I now slept with him twice, and you were still in the dark. I left that day, tormenting myself about how all the lies and secrets kept piling up. I started getting agitated all the time. You and I got into more fights, I kept trying to keep distance between Ray and I during our tutoring sessions and I drank a lot. I was mad and blaming everyone else because I was angry at myself. Somehow, I kept ending up back with him, especially after fights with you." I trail off, thinking about how he would manipulate me into thinking what we were doing was okay, right even. The feeling of guilt that always consumed me after proved otherwise. "It was like having an addiction, I could never stop being with him even though I knew it was wrong."
"Wow, so your claims that it didn't mean anything to you were just total bullshit." Derrick spits out at me.
"No, it wasn't bullshit," I retort. "As I said, it was an addiction. One that I knew I needed to break. So, I told him we couldn't do what we had been doing anymore. It was killing me. He didn't like that I was trying to end things though. He showed me the video from that first time, and I was genuinely shocked. I foolishly thought he had deleted it. Ray basically used it as blackmail to keep doing what we were doing. I was infuriated. I truly thought he felt something for me and that I was the bad guy in this whole story, but here he had this video in his back pocket just ready to be used. After that, I couldn't stop thinking about the video and all the ways he might use it. I still ran into him places, but now I would desperately try to flee before he could coerce anything out of me." I bury my face in my hands, trying to hide my shame.
"Harper, why didn't you tell me?"
"Seriously?" I pop my head up and stare at him in disbelief. "Have you not listened to the story? Did you not hear your own reaction before? Plus, he was your best friend, and the evidence against me was far too incriminating."
"Should I get him out of this house? Is he still threatening you?"
"That was two years ago Derrick," I sigh. He is still threatening me, but with everything else that's happening, I can't do that to this family. "Things ended when I left."
"But why? Why did you decide all of a sudden to run away?"
"I told you, I knew you were going to propose. I found the ring right after I found out I was pregnant. As much as I wanted to marry you, I couldn't stand lying to you. So, I left. I made a big scene, threw my bracelet at you and walked out the door. I left, and you let me go. I told everyone I just needed time out in the world to find myself. Pawpaw was the only one who was both understanding and supportive. Not long after I made it over to Europe, I lost the baby." We both sit in silence, letting ourselves mourn over what might have been. "Ray surprised me out in Greece. I don't know how he found me. I never told him about the baby, even though he was out there right after it all happened. He just wanted to apologize. He said he took things too far because he was afraid of losing something real. I watched him delete the video, and that was that. Before he left, he made a vow that he would get me back. That he really did love me. I told him I was flattered, and I will always care about him. I was never in love with him though, and I told him so. I couldn't tell how he felt, and all he said was it wasn't over yet." I think back to that day in Greece, and how scared I was. I could never truly read how Ray was feeling. I also never understood how he seemed to always know where I was. After that surprise in Greece, I dropped off social media and only emailed my family every other week, if that.
"And you really never loved him?" Derrick looks so lost right now. I wish there was some way I could just help him quash his worries somehow. Ray was there for him at a time when life dealt him the worst hand. Then Ray stayed there for Derrick the rest of their years. Who am I to get in the way of all that? No one. Just their other best friend's daughter. I'm like one of those sirens whose life purpose is to bring down ships just for fun.
"I won't deny I felt something for Ray, but it was never love. At least not the kind of love I felt for you. I have no way to explain it. All I know is I got involved with my dad's best friends, and I screwed them over because of it. I loved you, truly; I always will. It was always going to be too complicated to work though. You were going to propose before anyone in my family even knew we were involved. We only ever let our passions lead us without stopping to think about what we were doing." I finally feel the numbness I've been searching for since last night creep up inside me. I really am madly in love with Derrick, but I can't keep bringing him down with all this unnecessary drama.
"I want to work things out with you. I want to be there for you from now on. Can't you just let me?" Derrick pleads. Things would be so much easier if he had simply stayed angry with me.
"What is wrong with you?" I almost snap at him.
"What?"
"I just told you about how I cheated on you continuously with your best friend during the second-half of our relationship, and you just want to make it work? After two years of me hiding away from you and my mistakes on another continent, you think we can just magically make this work?"
"I didn't say it would be easy," he answers cautiously. "But you can't deny that we still love each other, we could make it work." He sits up with determination and I just roll my eyes.
"We can't. It won't work between us Derrick. I think we should move on from this fairytale of an idea of 'us' because it will never work."
"So, what then? Are you going to see how things work out between you and your blackmailing stalker?"
"Listen, I told you everything because you deserved to know the truth, and I was tired of keeping it from you. That doesn't mean you can go around passing judgment on who I am now. And, say what you will about Ray, but he flew out to apologize and tell me how he really felt. When I left at the end, you didn't even try to keep me from leaving. I never heard from you while I was away. No calls, no emails, just crickets. I didn't want Ray to come find me out there, I wanted you. I may have left and cheated and lied, but you let me go. Us ending, that was both of us. I'm not sure you ever really loved me; in fact, I think I was a convenient pastime that you got used to having around."
"Don't sit there and pretend to know how I ever felt about you. I loved you. Dammit, Harper, I still love you. Yeah, I'm angry as hell, and I don't even know how I feel about Ray. You and me though, that was real. I don't understand how you could have ever thought differently. I was going to propose for Christ's sake! I wanted to marry you, you crazy woman!" He sits back in his chair exasperated. I don't say anything. This is not how I imagined this conversation going. I watch him run his hand back through his hair, and I feel pulled back to him immediately. How did I let things get so screwed up? After last night with Ray, after this declaration of love from Derrick, I'm at loss.
"Well hello fellow early birds," Mom surprises us in the doorway. I don't know how long we've been sitting in silence before she appeared. "What are y'all doing up so early?"
"I just couldn't go back to sleep," I quickly respond. Derrick slowly turns nodding in agreement.
"Yeah, same here. Then the need for coffee drove me out of my room altogether." We all chuckle together lightly.
"Speaking of," I stand up, ready to get a little alone time, "I'm going to get a refill. Excuse me." I move quickly out of the room, but not before Mom gives me a small peck on the cheek. I smile warmly at her, thankful we've moved past the cold, distant awkwardness. Well, at least that's one conflict semi-resolved.