Chapter 47 — comeback boy
Both of the boys somehow fall asleep on the mountain — Elliot had wept while Josh held him in his arms and then they lied down, the dark-haired boy on Josh's chest. Through the tears Elliot had slept and a little while later Josh had too.
Josh wakes up with the sun, one of his arms still around Elliot's back — he is still asleep, and Josh doesn't want to wake him up, so he stays still. He angles his head down so he can see the boy's face — he seems troubled even then, sadness weighing in on his usually calm features. Josh wishes for nothing more than to take all his pain away.
Elliot has been such a jovial person around him — always smiling, cracking jokes, laughing; that Josh never even suspected there could be such a tragedy he'd been through. He'd been putting on a mask all this while and Josh had just believed it; however, Elliot, he had always paid attention to him, been able to tell if he was feeling low, tensed, sad.
Has Josh always been this self-involved?
How could he have not seen that Elliot had been hurting too?
Josh remembers all the time the dark-haired boy had shied away from the topics about his family, not talking much about from before he moved to Willowcreeks — maybe he should have paid more attention, maybe he should have not been so focused on his more problems and let Elliot talk about his too.
Unconsciously he has started stroking the boy's cheeks with his free hand, and it isn't long before Elliot stirs awake. Josh quickly retracts his hand, embarrassed.
"Oh hey,"
"Hey," Elliot croaks out, sitting up.
Josh sits up as well, and then looks around them awkwardly, not sure what to say next. Not that he doesn't have anything to say — there are thousands of things racing through his mind at the moment, but he doesn't want to mess anything up by saying the wrong thing. It still rings in his ears — the last words Elliot said, before he'd just broken down completely in front of him.
I killed my own brother. I pushed him to his own death.
How can he think that? It isn't in any way his fault. Josh doesn't know how to approach the topic, so he just dumbly asks.
"How are you?"
"I'm okay," the curly-haired boy shrugs, running his fingers through his curly-hair that sat like a nest on top of his head.
"El-," Josh starts, but gets cut off.
"I really am okay. Don't worry," he smiles — a fake one, Josh can tell.
He is shutting him out. He is putting on a mask again. Josh knows, because that's what he'd been doing before this boy came around. And Elliot is the first one he willingly opened up to, and he is the only one Josh doesn't feel the need to be anyone but himself. It upsets him that Elliot is still shutting him out after everything, even after telling him what had really happened back at his home — but he swallows the hurt.
Josh just has to prove to Elliot that he'll be there for him no matter what. He maybe needs some time and space after recalling all the events — maybe that is why he didn't open up before; it still hurt him. Of course, it hurt; he lost his twin brother to an accident and he is blaming himself for it.
Josh has to show him that he understands.
However, before Josh can say anything at all, Elliot stands up, brushing his pants, "We should get going. Your parents are going to be mad at you. Come on,"
As if I care, Josh rolls his eyes, but stands up too. "Yeah," he nods, when all he wants to say is: No, I want to be with you. Let me be there for you.
If only he can voice out those words.
Also, things at his house aren't really pretty right then — who knew what nightmare is waiting for him back there. But Josh can't tell Elliot that, not now. They put his bicycle in the trunk and Josh quietly gets into the jeep, letting Elliot drive him back to his house — or at least until a few blocks away.
"You can stop here,"
Elliot stops without saying anything — he hasn't said a single word throughout the whole drive and neither has Josh. After the night they went through, the blond figured that he'd feel closer to Elliot than ever but for some he just feels out of reach, just an inch away from his fingertips, but he just can't reach him.
Josh wants to reach out and hold Elliot's hand assure him that it's alright, that they're going to be okay, but he remains still and he absolutely hates himself for it. For once, why can't he just do what he wants to — what he needs to?
His limbs somehow regain its ability to operate as he gets out of the jeep. Elliot gets out too, and takes out the bicycle from the trunk, passing it to Josh.
"So," he rubs the back of his neck, "call you later?"
Elliot just nods wordlessly.
Talk to me, Josh pleads silently.
JUST FUCKING SAY IT TO HIM!!! he even yells at himself, but to no use.
The urge to just smash his head into the jeep window or even on the road, it is just empowering. Why can't he say what he wants to say? He just wishes he can rip of that lump in his throat that is blocking all his words.
But instead, all he does is raise a hand, bidding goodbye silently, and Elliot nods before getting into the jeep and driving away.
"AHHHHHH, fucking goddamnit," he yells only after Elliot takes off, kicking the pavement.
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"Hey," Josh hugs his sister as soon as he sees her, "You okay?"
"I'm alright," she answers, "You're staying here?"
They are all at Valerie's house. After Elliot dropped him off, the only place he could think of going was Val's and so that's where he is.
"Yeah, well I can't exactly go to Zach's either,"
"Nah, I was thinking you'd be at Elliot's or something," she raises an eyebrow, but Josh just shakes his head — he does not want to go into that now — he sees Val shaking her head at his sister from beside him as well, eyes wide open.
Josie glances between them confused but thankfully lets the topic slide.
"Any idea on how's Zach?" Josh asks Val.
"Uhh–" she takes out her phone, and checks something and then nods, "He's fine,"
"I think it'd be better if you went to check on him. Do you know where he is? Is he with his mother? Are they okay?"
"Josh," Val shakes her head. "Trust me, he's in good company right now, and he's alright,"
"Did he say anything about me?"
"Not to me, not yet,"
The blond sighs, running a hand through his hair.
"I really fucked up this time, didn't I?"
"You're still swearing," his friend states, surprised, "I thought yesterday was an exclusion,"
"I hate to admit it, but it feels strangely reliving," Josh lets out a bitter chuckle, then turns to his sister, who is unusually quiet — not that he blames her, given the circumstances. "How're things back at the house?"
Josie just shakes her head, and then shrugs, "Mum's locked up in her room, and dad, he didn't even care, he left for the hospital this morning, not a word said,"
"Of fucking course," Josh snorts, "Why did I expect anything different?"
"Joshua," his sister calls him, a sudden vulnerability to her voice, "Why didn't you tell me... about him?" he can tell how hard she is trying to hold her tears back. "I mean get why you didn't wanna tell me, but... you still could've at least told me," her voice cracks towards the end.
"I know how much you look up to him," the blond says softly. "I didn't want to ruin that for you. And I don't know, maybe I was hoping it was a one-time thing,"
"I hate him so much right now," Josie confesses, tears now slowly trickling down her cheeks.
Josh grabs and pulls her into his arms, "I know. I'm sorry," he murmurs.
"Please come back, Josh. We need you there, I need you there," she says, hugging him close.
Josh sighs, but gives in, not caring about the consequences anymore, "Okay," he says, placing a small kiss on the crown of her head, "Okay, I'll come back," and he decides it was time he stopped running away, and starts caring about more than his own problems.
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