Sofia
I wake up early in the morning after a night of restless sleep. I was trying to delay waking up as much as I could, but my mind keeps wandering helplessly back to Adrian even in my unconsciousness. I finally open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling, attempting to collect my thoughts.
I should have known better than to do what I did. I pushed him to talk about his parents when I shouldn't have. Out of everyone, I should have picked up it was a sensitive subject he didn't want to discuss, and I feel like the biggest hypocrite for pressing him.
I know it was probably just an overreaction on his part, and maybe on mine too leaving the way I did, but I can't help but think that there is something going on with him that I don't know of. I feel so selfish that I hadn't noticed it before. I've been so wrapped up in my own problems that I haven't stopped to think that he might be going through something as well. That I might not be the only one who has been hiding things. The thought is completely terrifying.
It's strange too because we've never really had a fight like that before. I don't even know if that would even be considered a fight, probably not considering the way couples can go off on each other, but somehow it feels like one to me. It was all just really intense and I think both of us needed some time to cool down.
I'm starting to think that maybe this is too much for him, that maybe I'm not what he needs. We've never had a normal relationship and keeping it a secret is starting to weigh on us. All the sneaking around and pretending is a lot of work and I don't know if my parents will ever approve of us. I feel like I'm distracting him from his regular life and from his soccer career and the last thing I want is to mess up those things for him.
I grab my phone, deciding I owe him an apology, and I see I have a message from him.
Adrian: Sofia, I can't tell you how sorry I am for last night. I had to go meet Coach this morning, but can we please talk when I get back? I should be home around 11.
I sigh, thinking he probably got in trouble for missing the game. I still can't believe he would just up and leave in the middle of match. Even if he did fake an injury as he said. Maybe I should have been firmer with him. We definitely need to talk about that.
Me: Okay, I'll be here. I hope everything is okay and I'm sorry too.
After taking an extra long shower, I realize I still have an hour and a half until he'll be back. Needing a distraction, I decide to get a head start on my homework for the weekend. I mentally chastise myself that I have nothing better to do on a Saturday morning without Adrian around. I really need to get a life, or at least make some new friends.
I'm in the middle of writing an essay for my Cultural Foundations class that isn't due for another two weeks, when I hear a light knock on my door. I look at the time and it's exactly 11am.
I close my laptop and go to open it. Adrian is nervously standing in the hallway and doesn't make a move to come in. He's wearing jeans with a black and grey flannel shirt and his hair is neatly pulled back. He looks so appealing, but his expression is full of worry and I notice the deep circles under his eyes.
"Are you busy?" he asks me.
"I was just doing homework," I tell him.
"Do you want me to stop by later so you can finish?"
"No, let's talk now. TV room?" I suggest, thinking it may be better to do this under neutral territory.
He nods and we silently make our way down. We end up sitting down on opposite sides of the couch, with a discernible amount of space in between us.
This already feels so different from usual, and I can sense that something has changed among us. It almost feels palpable and it makes me extremely nervous.
"Sofia, I need to tell you something. Actually, a few things. But before I tell you, I need you to know that I wanted to tell you since the beginning. I should have told you all this a while ago, before I took it so far and I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you," he says regretfully.
I nod, already knowing what he's going to say. That we should have never gotten involved in the first place and that he's breaking up with me. I desperately hold the tears in while I prepare myself to hear the words out loud.
He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. "When your parents offered for me to stay here, there were two conditions your dad gave me. The first one was to stay away from you," he says looking at me full of remorse.
"My dad actually said that to you?" I ask incredulously.
"I tried, Sofia. I really did. I stopped writing to you, I convinced myself that I hated you for leaving, I started hooking up with other girls to try to forget you. But then you came back and I realized that none of that worked. If anything, I wanted you even more and I couldn't stay away and I'm sorry. I went against your dad's wishes and my better judgment."
What?
"Adrian, it's not your fault. That was both of us. I just don't know why my dad would want you to stay away from me, but maybe it's for the best."
"I just think that if we could show him, he might change his mind. I like to think that I am good for you, that I can make you happy. Because I've seen it and that's all I want. I want you to be happy, Sofia. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll move out, find my own place, and then maybe he'll allow us to be together."
My heart stops at his words. I wasn't expecting that at all. "Oh, I ..."
"Wait, what did you think I was going to say right now?" Adrian asks frowning.
I shake my head and look down from him.
"Please tell me, Sofia," he says, looking distraught.
"I thought you were going to break up with me," I admit in a small voice.
"Sofia ..." his voice falls flat. "Is that ... is that what you want?" he whispers.
"No, Adrian. Of course not. I just thought –"
He immediately breaks the distance between us and brings me to his lap. "It appears I haven't been very clear with you and I'm sorry I've made you feel that way," he says.
I rest my hands on his chest, not knowing exactly what to do with his sudden proximity.
"Baby, look at me," he tells me. He waits before I meet his eyes and says, "I love you, Sofia. I'm so in love with you and I've been so for years. You asked me once how I knew I wasn't in love before, and the answer is you. All I had to do was look at you to know what that really meant. And somehow by some miracle, you're my girlfriend now and I would never break up with you. Because I want everything with you, and I want it forever."
My arms instantly wrap around his neck, hugging him with my life. I'm so happy I want to cry. I want to cry so badly, but I know if I do I won't be able to stop and I'll turn into a blubbering mess. "I'm so in love with you, Adrian," I say against his neck. "I've only ever wanted to be with you and you are so good for me. I can feel it. You make me so happy."
He kisses my shoulder and around my neck until he reaches my lips and takes my mouth. He kisses me so expertly, it's so incredibly slow and tender one moment, and fast and urgent the next. I want everything with him too and I can't wait to give myself entirely to him. I'm so ready to take this next step with him and become a woman in his eyes.
But unfortunately I know this isn't the time or place for that. When that happens, I want to be truly alone with him with no interruptions and be able to enjoy it from beginning to end and beginning again. Because I know that once I go there with him, I'll never be able to stop. It's hard to stop even right now and all we're doing is kissing. But I'm starting to notice that being intimate with him only makes me want him more and more.
I pull away from him and rest my forehead against his before I do something inappropriate like rip his shirt off in the middle of the day. I know it's ridiculous but that is what my body is telling me to do.
"So what do you want to do, baby? Should we tell your dad?"
I instantly panic at the thought. What if he takes it the wrong way and doesn't approve of us? "I don't know, Adrian. What if it backfires?" I tell him honestly.
He sighs. "I think if I moved out, he wouldn't have much say in it. You're eighteen, you should be able to make your own decisions."
"I don't want you to move out, Adrian. I feel safe here with you."
"Darling, once they know we're together, there's no way they're going to let me stay here. I can almost guarantee that. Your dad is already going to be so furious with me as it is."
"Where would you go?" I ask, panic already rising inside me at the possibility.
"I'll rent an apartment somewhere else. It's what I would've done eventually in a few months after I graduated."
"Really? You wouldn't have just stayed here?"
"Well, I definitely don't want to wear out my welcome here. But it really depends on the soccer club I end up with. That's another thing I wanted to talk to you about actually, but I guess it's a separate conversation."
Oh, god. What if he ends up moving to another part of the country? I still have at least three years of college left, if not more. Any way I look at it, it's going to be so damn difficult for us to be together.
"Baby, no. Don't worry about that yet. We'll figure that out after, okay? We need to decide this first, if we tell your parents we're together now. We could tell them today if you want," Adrian says.
Today? That feels way too fast. What would we do if it goes badly? I know I'm being incredibly selfish, but I want him here with me. I don't want him to have to move out, I want to continue living here together, driving to school together in the mornings and having our nights together on the couch, feeling completely safe in his arms as I fall asleep. Even all of our stolen moments that I usually get frustrated about because I wish they could be longer – I wouldn't trade them in for the world. I don't want to lose all that.
Suddenly I'm so mad at my parents. Who are they to decide what is good or bad for me? They've always thought they needed to shelter me, to hide things from me, as if I'm not capable of making my own decisions or mature enough to figure things out on my own.
Adrian is such an amazing person, and I can't believe they wouldn't see how good he is for me. How good we are for each other. If anything, it should be the other way around because he's too good for me.
"Shh, Sofia. It doesn't have to be today. I just meant it could be as early as today, but it's up to you. If you need more time to decide, we can do that too."
It's so crazy how he knows what I'm thinking without even saying anything, just judging from the expression on my face.
I nod at him. "I need more time, Adrian. I don't want to lose what we have here."
"Okay, darling. We'll think about it and we can plan it better. I just want to be with you in whichever way you'll feel more comfortable."
"Thank you, Adrian," I sigh in relief. I honestly feel that he's the best thing to ever happen to me and I'll never find anyone half as special as he is.
I rest my head on his chest and we spend the next several minutes in comfortable silence as he hugs me and runs his hand down my back.
But there is something that still feels off and it's tugging at me at the back of my head. I go over everything he's just told me, and our entire conversation since the beginning, when it hits. I sit back up to look at him and notice his unsettled disposition.
"So what was the second condition?" I ask him curiously. "You said there were two, right?"
His face suddenly falls and I can instantly tell I'm in for some more bad news. I just hope it's not as big a bomb as the first one.
"Sofia ... you have to know I've wanted to tell you this so many times and I hate that I had to hide it from you. But it's ... it's bad, and your parents didn't think you were ready to hear this yet."
"What is it, Adrian?"
A really painful expression crosses his face. He holds on to me tightly and takes a deep breath, preparing himself to deliver the news.
"My parents. They didn't move back to Chicago," he says deliberately slowly.
I look at him in confusion and he drops his head. A devastating sigh escapes his lips and I brace myself for the worst thing I could possibly hear to follow.
"They passed away."