Grown men were not meant to understand women; no man was. The fact was that women were so complicated they’d actually mastered simplicity. Take for example, the simple way in which Katja threw her keys at me, the simple way she grabbed her purse and slung it over her shoulder, all the while having no hitch or pitch impairment in her voice as she told me “you are a worthless piece of shit”.
Why did I deserve this dramatic scene at eight in the morning? I really did not know. But as she stomped towards the door of my apartment and turned around to face me, a single dramatic tear grazing her reddened cheeks, I think I understood even less.
“You can’t just expect me to wait for you David,” she said, her right hand holding on to the door knob. “I’m twenty-nine, I want kids. If you don’t know what you want, figure it the fuck out! But I’m not waiting around for you while you do!”
Slam. The door quaked slightly, leaving a slight trace of floral perfume from Katja’s unexpected departure.
The real question was –the thing I really racked my brain on– was how the hell she got the key to my apartment and who gave it to her. As far as I was concerned, I never once offered her a key to my apartment in the three months I’d been dating her.
What did she mean “figure out what I wanted”? How was I supposed to know if I wanted to marry someone or settle down with them after only three months? And if all she really wanted was to pop out some half Davids with cute dimples and wavy black hair why didn’t she just say so? I would have at least known not to have gone down that road at all.
It isn’t like I didn’t want kids, I did. Really, I did. But why did I need to be ready for them then? I was only 29, perhaps verging a little too close on thirty, but who expected even a thirty year old to be ready for kids these days? And why don’t women who want to settle down right away and get straight to the white picket fence just flat out tell the guy “hey, before we start anything, you should know if you don’t propose to me in the next three months I’m going to barge into your home at 7:45 in the morning and unleash a tornado in your carefully organized apartment”? I knew why, because even though women were complicatedly simple, they were still simply complicated. I'd confused myself.
This is a good time to have some cereal, I thought.
**********
“So she just barged in, threw shit around and then left?” Artur asked me disinterestedly. It’s almost like he saw this coming, but for me to fully grasp that I’d had to admit my shithead friend actually had some sense in him. I took a sip of my beer, looking around at the small, busy pub we were in to make sure Katja wasn’t lurking anywhere listening to our conversation.
“Yeah, I swear to god Art, it was weirdest moment of the life. Weirder than when Mallory Klatt tried to give me a rim job at after grad in her hello kitty costume”, I said.
Artur laughed, possibly thinking back to the event and how I had run from Mallory’s house in my boxers.
“But seriously Dave,” he said more seriously, “you must have seen that coming; Katja reeked of desperation and entrapment.”
My eyebrows furrowed. “But what do you expect from me when desperate women planning entrapment is all I can get at my apparently ancient age of 29?”
Artur rolled his eyes at me but laughed anyways. “What am I going to do with you bud?”
“Find a girl who’s willing to be big spoon at least some of the time.” I answered simply.
He shook his head at me but decided to move on from the topic. “So, I was thinking we could maybe go kayaking this weekend…”
I looked at him quizzically. “You know I can’t, I have to go see my mom to get my routine, weekly harassment speech of why I refuse to be a good Christian boy and let myself be fruitful and multiply.”
He rolled his eyes at me before assuming a more embarrassed expression. “I’m actually aware of that Dave…” he mumbled. “I actually just need you to go this new outdoors store with me so I can get a kayak for...”
“You were trying to sucker me into going shopping with you for a date with Reah?!” I bellowed.
“Calm down, it’s just kayaks, you just have to help me load it onto my truck so I can get it home.” He defended. “And don’t be so whiny, you’ve helped me plan a lot of dates for Reah,” he said with some sly amusement. He was definitely trying to push some buttons that didn’t need to be pushed at that particular point in time.
I groaned. “Art the whole reason we come to this pub on a Friday night is to make ourselves seem more masculine. If we’re going to be planning dates for long term girlfriends during these sessions then I might as well go to my house and chat up my mom and her cougar friends.”
Artur chuckled but sighed, he looked so boyish when he signed, with his tall, slim frame, gentle blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. Although, I was glad to see his hairline was receding quicker than mine.
“You’re such a douche Dave,” He said, almost as if he’d read my mind, which I was sure he sometimes did.
“And you’re an ass.”
“But you’ll follow this ass anywhere.”
“Only because of too much beer and a lack of better judgement.” I retorted.
Artur smirked. “That’s what they all say Dave, that’s what they all say.”
*********
Needless to say, the next day I stood at the front of Mountain Adventure Sports with Artur, ready to spend an hour looking at kayaks. I’d been to the shop a few times but then again I was a quick shopper; Artur was not.
The store was decently sized, having room to fit gear and equipment for hiking, climbing, water sports, camping and cold weather activities like skiing and snowshoeing. As we walked in I made a beeline for the Aquatic sports section, determined to leave in time to head back to the office and get some paperwork done before noon. I looked at my watch; it was 9:50AM. The goal was to be out by 10:20AM.
I was immediately drawn to a deep blue fourteen inch touring kayak so I went over to exam it.
“Hey Art!” I barked, “Come over here. I don’t have all day to play Fairy Godfather for you and your girlfriend! Come and look at this.”
I heard light footsteps coming from behind me and expected to turn around to see Artur holding something stupid he happened to have found on the walk over to the department. I was wrong.
What I saw was a beautiful, young girl with smooth milk chocolate skin looking at me with a cunning smirk dancing about her lips. She had long, black braids that were pulled back in a ponytail. Her bone structure was strong, with highly defined cheekbones, a sharp, prominent jaw that was slightly raised as she looked at me expectantly, and an enigmatic glint in her liquid dark brown eyes.
I wasn’t sure if she was real or not, she seemed so… elf like. She had a slender, willowy figure, yet looked like she was strong enough to outdo we me in well, everything. Yet she couldn’t be more than twenty-one, and couldn’t be any taller than 5’8, although most of her height was legs.
I realized I was gawking like the idiot my mother had raised me to be when she cleared her throat and gave me an amused smile. God her smile was bright.
“Hi there, did you have any questions about that Kayak?” She asked professionally. I looked at her name tag that was conveniently placed above her left breast. Her name was Zara.
I was about to the reply, but just then my idiot friend decided to conveniently reappear with a simple sentence of “Dave, look I found a pair of thermal underwear so tiny even your dick could find it too small!”
The girl laughed –Zara laughed. I was going to kill Artur.
I glared at Artur, who only gave me a slightly triumphant sheepish grin.
Clearing my throat and trying to regain the footing I never had, I looked back at the girl –I mean Zara– and gave her my best seductive smile.
“Actually, my Friend Art here is looking for a touring kayak to go out riding with his girlfriend this weekend. You seem like you’d know a lot about these, what are the specs for this one?” I said causally. Artur leaned back against one of the floor fixtures, quietly observing the situation. The prick.
I saw the corner of Zara’s mouth twitch into something that spelled trouble but it was gone just as quickly as it had come.
“I do know my way around long, thick equipment that need to be ridden, but I’m sure you know a lot more than I do and have more experience,” she said sweetly. I wasn’t sure if I she was implying I was well hung or gay. My mind told me she meant gay, but my ego was saying well hung. “However, I will say that this is an excellent kayak. I actually had the opportunity to go out to Clear Lake last weekend and test it out and it rides very smooth and is easy to steer.”
“Great!” I clapped, perhaps too enthusiastically. “Don’t worry about the price, money’s not an issue.” I realized I sounded a little snooty there, but I had to somehow feel like I had control of the situation. Whatever situation I had gotten myself into, I couldn’t quite explain it, but it felt like I was out of my league.
Zara leaned towards me and flashed me a million watt smile. She did this thing where her pupils seemed to darken and her eyes suddenly held the world’s greatest aphrodisiac. “Do you have a paddle?” she breathed.
“w-what?” I stuttered.
She looked up at me through her eyelashes, looking at me straight in the eye where she held me captive. “A paddle; a long, girthy pole for you to hold on to and steer the long, thick equipment you’ll be riding.”
“Uhhh, yes –no. no I don’t have one,” I said confusedly, still so spellbound I couldn’t stop to think of what she meant.
Zara had that sly spark in her eyes and evil twitch to her smile again. She looked over at Artur, who looked like he was trying everything in his power not to roll over and laugh. “Do you have a paddle he can borrow Artur?”
“No,” Artur choked out, still trying to contain himself.
Zara reached back and brought out a paddle that looked to be the right height and size.
“Will this one do for you, sir?” She asked sweetly again.
“y-yes.”
She seemed satisfied and gave me a reassuring smile. “Good, I’ll ring these up for your friend.” Grabbing the sale sign on the kayak and paddles, she walked away confidently.
Just like that the spell was broken, and I somehow felt like I'd just got played. What had happened? How had the situation flipped entirely from what I had wanted it to be?
As soon as the girl was out of earshot, Artur let out a booming laugh so loud a few costumers turned to look at us.
I scowled at him. “Shut up.”
“’w-what?’” He mocked, mimicking my face with exaggeration.
“Shut up Art.”
“’y-yes’” he continued to mock, laughing all at the same time.
I was thoroughly vexed now. First of all, I was dragged out shopping when I had a lot of documents sitting on my desk waiting to be reviewed, secondly, the beautiful black girl who worked at the sporting goods shop just beat me at my own game and thirdly, who wouldn’t be pissed about that last one?
“Art you’re walking a fine line!” I threatened with mock sincerity.
“She had you so bad!”
“Fine! You’re loading your kayak yourself! See you later Judas!” I said as I started walking towards the exit.
“Common Dave, don’t be like that boo!” I could faintly hear Artur say.
As I was about to leave the store I saw Zara at the cash desk processing the transaction. She looked at up at me, curiosity and amusement showcasing across her features. Did she find me funny? Find this situation funny? Because I certainly didn’t think so. I was about to turn around and go back to Artur when I saw her looking at me again with a taunting smile. And with that I pushed open the doors and left.
I wasn’t sure when or how, but I’d return to Mountain Adventure Sports again. And this time, I would have the upper hand. That was a promise.
God I really needed some cereal.