The past four days have been such a blur of similarity I could practically taste the routine. I got up, had breakfast, ignoring the world while simultaneously wishing their demise, dinner with dad, throw darts at my sister's picture and then back to bed.
Apparently, that wasn't 'healthy'.
That's how I found myself wandering aimlessly around a town I once felt so big in, now after everything, I couldn't help but feel minuscule as I watched people go about their days with no care in the world that it only takes one moment to fuck up their entire lives.
I walked by my former place of employment that I had technically never quit from but couldn't bring myself to set foot inside, Clive's death was one of my major setbacks in the hospice. A heart attack took him suddenly and he was gone.
So if I just stayed outside I wouldn't have to see that he was no longer there.
If I stayed right where I was I could imagine him bossing around the poor person who took over my job thinking the old man was some mean ex mafia guy instead of the loyal and caring person he actually was.
Continuing on my directionless walk with a subtle breath of denial I found myself passing all of my old hangouts, the places all looked the same but everything else was different. The people I cared about the most were gone and new faces littered the area, a lot can change in two years apparently.
Pushing open the black iron gate, I walked down the stone path until I stopped in front of the black headstone, I almost smiled at the tragic irony of it all. Somehow I always end up here when it wasn't my intention to ever come back.
I pulled my hood from my head as I shook my hair with a sigh, coming to terms with being here and subconsciously bringing myself back to the one person who caused all of this pain "No flowers huh" I spoke gazing at the barren marble.
"A part of me wants to tell you that you no longer have any power over my feelings" I started as my jaw ticked "that the doctors cured any violent and aggressive thoughts I have of you" I had worked hard with Doctor Myers after letting my walls down "but I can't".
Sniffing back the hot tears I could feel angrily accumulating in my eyes I felt explosive "I'm so angry at you, at Sidney. God, I'm angry at the world!" I hissed letting it out just as I was taught "and now I'm in the middle of a graveyard yelling at a fucking piece of stone!".
I laughed agitated as I wiped my eyes "I really am crazy" pressing the heels of my hands against my eyes I willed the sick burning feeling from my gut knowing I would never truly be able to forgive and forget with my dead mom.
"Katherine?".
I jumped and turned seeing the caring face of my aunt Kate. History really does like repeating itself with my family, I remember this exact situation happening two years ago before my best friends got stab happy and our lives change forever.
"Oh, sweetheart" Her expression changed after seeing the first few tears running down my cheeks and I let her wrap her arms around me, trying not to think about the similarity between her warm hugs and my mother's own rare ones.
Maybe I have underlying mommy issues?
That's fucked up even for me, I acknowledge that I might have anger issues and hatred for my own kin but being a touch starved teenager with mommy issues just sounded like a weird kink in an awful smut novel.
"I hate her aunt Kate!" I said trying to show my anger but all that came out was a whine that could rival that of a newborn pup "I really do hate her" my hair was being smoothed as the older woman hushed my cries but made no effort to stop my verbal expression escaping.
"I know you do sweetie" She admitted still cradling me "I've always known" I gripped her sweater in my fist as I choked on my sobs "why do you come here, Kat? Who are you punishing by coming here? Because the only person hurting is you" Aunt Kate stated holding me tight.
"Maybe I'm a masochist" I joked through my tears knowing she was right, I only came here when I was lost or wanting to feel something. Seeing my mother was the quickest way for my numbness to dissipate but in doing that it left room for pain and hurt.
"Mommy?" pulling myself away from my aunt a smile tugged at my lips when a small brunette suddenly shrieked with happiness "Kitty Kat!" Jill yelled throwing herself into my arms as I twirled her happily "Mommy said you were sick in hospital".
A glance a said woman told me that was true "I was sick Jilly-Bean but now I'm much better" I tried to explain to the now 5-year-old as I pulled her in tightly and sighing contently to myself "look at you" I cooed as she blushed "you got so big and beautiful".
Placing her back on the ground I pushed her hair behind her ears as she gave me a gaped tooth smile, obviously, the tooth fairy had paid her a visit recently "She reminds me so much of you when you were a kid" Aunt Kate said as Jill wrapped her arms around her mom's waist.
"Then you, Aunt Kate, are in for a wild ride" I laughed along with Kate and Jill as I remembered how hellish I was at her age, not that I'm much better now but I like to think I've evolved since putting fake spiders in Sidney's bed and reading her diary to the whole school.
As our laughing tampered down I remembered where we were "I should get going" I say pointing a thumb over my shoulder as both my aunt and cousin frowned at my sudden change in demeanor, it was nice pretending to be normal for a moment.
Kate nodding slowly but looked worried "Do you want to come home with us?" she questioned as her eyes quickly moved from mine to the gravestone and I knew she was scared I'd stick around for another little mental breakdown.
My aunt had visited me once in the hospital and I had told her in my nicest voice to not come back, I didn't want her nor Jill anywhere near that place. She argued but relented when she realized I was serious, so she never came back but dropped off homemade cookies every month.
"Nah, my dad is probably wondering where I got to," I said as her face brightens at the prospect of my dad being at home waiting for me "and I have to get packed for college" another wide smile appeared on her face as she nodded looking proud.
I tried not to think if that smile would match the one my mother would have if she were still around, would I have made her proud going to college. As much as I hated it the thought managed to worm its way into my head.
I gave one last hug to Kate laughing when her arms didn't immediately release me before Jill jumped into my arms complaining how she missed me when I was away "I'll see you again soon don't worry" I promised the little girl.
"Definitely a mini you" Kate smirked when Jill pressed a tiny kiss to my cheek as she giggled before I walked away giving them both a small wave.
"A mini-me?" I mused to myself thinking about Jill and how her life would be much better than mine, she had a mom and dad who loved her, no family secrets or hidden skeletons in her closet "poor kid" I cackled thinking of a grown-up Jill being like me, without all the life trauma.
Walking through the graveyard I stopped cold seeing another gravestone that I wasn't familiar with but the name shot a chill through my heart and body.
TATUM RILEY
A BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER AND SISTER
TAKEN FROM US TOO SOON
There was nothing I could do but stare at the words engraved in the marble headstone reading the words over and over again wondering if anything could have gone differently. Maybe if we hadn't spent so much time fighting over Stu or arguing, in general, she could have lived.
If I had either told Stu from the start or been straight with him then Tatum would still be here, she'd hate me for sure but Billy wouldn't have needed to kill her. No matter how many times Dewey told me I wasn't to blame I still felt the vice-like grip of guilt cinched around me.
I knew it wasn't logical to feel guilt for all the murders my two best friends had committed but it didn't stop me from wondering what would have happened if I had found out sooner, could I have stopped them?
It was only when my eye caught the ornaments saying 'worlds best sister' and 'Best Friend' did I put my guard back up and slowly began to walk away, this place was no good for my sanity and everything I had worked upon.
I couldn't allow myself to be dragged back into the past, panic rose in my chest before it fully bloomed and I started to run with no real end line. My feet carried me through the town as people began to look my way and whisper, I forgot to pull my hood back up.
Everywhere I went felt like a curse.
I wasn't ready for this. I'm not ready to face my demons.