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PREVIOUSLY...
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The Order was attacked by the Sharlik Empire. During the attack, Ari was forced to shift, revealing his other form was a great wolf. Suri and Azura followed Sharlik soldiers into the school where they had too good of an understanding of the layout. They succeeded in their mission, sacrificing themselves and burying the healing waters under the school in an explosion of rubble. Suri was caught in the blast and severely injured. With the healing waters gone, Wymler was the only other place that could possibly heal her injuries.
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I don't get to say goodbye, they leave in a rush, skirting around the remnants of the Empire's army.
I stand by the rubble beneath the school, watching the slow process of clearing it. It'll take weeks to make it stable without risking the collapse of part of the school above. The Empire just continues to take and take without a care for the lives it crushes. And now there's a chance...
I turn away, not wanting to think about the state Suri's in but being unable to think of anything else.
I make it above ground, the rest of the Order still recuperating. Many pyres have been set alight in the past few days, sending off the souls of the dead as a heavy downfall has continued to bombard Sharlikire. It patters against the windows now, the wind whistling against the old stone of the school, seeming to mourn the fallen with us.
This wasn't supposed to happen. The Empire hasn't tried to touch the Order in years.
"Azura," Ari says as his hand touches my arm.
I lift my chin, glancing at the empty hall around me. I didn't even realise I'd stopped and was staring blankly out of the window, watching the flames lick at yet another body. I look at Ari now, his eyes soft as he regards me. "What if she doesn't make it, Ari?" I can't help but ask.
"You can't think like that," he replies, shaking his head as he cups my jaw in his palm. "She'll make it, our sygils are still bright."
I look down at my left wrist with his words, the three sygils still glowing just beneath the end of my glove. "What if they don't work?"
"Trust Suri. Trust her magic, and trust her will to survive. Besides, Lilja won't let her die."
I let out a breath and press my forehead against his chest, seeking his comfort. "I wish I had your strength."
"You do, and more." He wraps his arms around me, holding me close, reminding me that I'm still not alone. "We'll get through this and so will they."
I breathe in the pine of his scent and try to believe his words. I need to believe they'll be alright, otherwise I'll crumble.
Someone clears their throat next to us, drawing my attention. I lean back and scowl as I meet the slanted eyes of Vera, watching us with her hands on her hips. She tilts her chin and I know why she's here.
I let out a growl, nearly snapping my teeth at her, but I decide not to stab the messenger. I step away from Ari and ignore the questions in his eyes. I know I need to tell him the real reason I was brought here, he's told me so much that it's the least I can do. But there are more important things right now.
I walk to Palmira's office with dread heavy in my veins. Whatever her demands are this time, I don't know if I'll have the will to refuse them.
I push through her door with tentative movements, lifting my gaze to meet hers. She stands behind her desk, her hands clasped behind her back, her face carrying wisps of emotion I haven't seen displayed there before. But she blinks and they're gone, leaving her gaze its usual collection of shadows and embers.
"Close the door," she commands, her voice soft and I frown at her before doing what she says, shutting us inside with this crackling tension between us. "I've received word." Palmira places her fingers on a letter on her desk and slides it towards me, her lips pressed together as she does.
My stomach is in knots as I approach the desk and touch the letter, barely able to make out the words, even with my training with Ari.
"She didn't make it."
The words wrap around my throat and I can't force breath past it. I glance at her, willing her to elaborate, but also not wanting her to.
"Suri died on her journey to Wymler."
A cry tears from somewhere in my chest, a broken thing, wretched and horrible. It speaks of my weakness and of the way my heart shatters. I stumble back like she's hit me, my face twisting as I try to process the words.
Dead. Suri is dead.
"No," I breathe, pushing the word past my trembling lips.
"I'm sorry—"
I raise a hand, cutting off her words as I jab a finger in her direction. "Don't. Just... don't." I dash the tears away, refusing to let her see me break. "What about Lilja?"
"She's continuing on to Wymler."
I nod, drawing in uneven breaths as I stare at the letter, willing it away, willing everything away. But my wishes go unanswered.
There's only one thing that will answer this injustice.
You're playing right into her hand.
No, I've had enough of these games.
"Get me a way into the palace," I say through clenched teeth, clinging to my rage. It's easier to bear than this pain, than the guilt of knowing I couldn't save her. Just like my brother, just like Dax.
The Empire will burn.
"It's already been arranged," Palmira says. "Speak with Vera when you're ready."
I storm from the room without another word, the whirling emotions within me battling for control, trying to drag me down and force me to feel every hurt.
Suri will be avenged. Dax will be avenged. I will sit idle no longer.
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The tears won't stop dripping from my chin. They stream like a steady river, blurring my vision as I stuff whatever I can see into a bag. The room is hollow without the laughter of the girls, without Suri's vibrant energy and infectious smile filling the dark spaces. It's cold and desolate, a mere shadow of what it was with those souls within.
I am not enough for this space and I'll never be enough.
I love her. I love her more than I have loved anything. I love her smile, her happy tears, her incessant gossip, her midnight snacks. I love her for everything she ever did for me, for her sister, for Ari, and I'll never get to tell her, never get to tell her how much she truly means to me, never get to tell her how strong she really is. The words are ash on my tongue, tasting of despair and longing.
I crumble to my knees, weak and useless. I press my forehead to the ground, opening my mouth in a silent scream as I feel the wounds—raw and open—with salt seeping into them.
"Why?" I sob into the cold ground, the iciness of it seeping into me, wrapping around the cracked pieces of my heart. "Why her?" I grip my hair in shaking fists, yanking and crying. "Why not me?"
I sit back on my heels, gasping as my eyes move to the ceiling, seeing nothing, taking in nothing.
"I'm the one that deserves it," I whisper into the deafening silence of the room, my chest aching with the force of my sobs. "I'm the monster."
There is no answer. The voices are silent, watching my spiral, my fall into the hatred and agony within me. They watch and they no doubt laugh.
I'm not strong. I'm barely keeping myself together. I'm falling apart. The seams are coming undone, the fabric is splitting. I'm crumbling, seeping through fingers like sand.
"Azura."
"Leave me alone," I cry, wanting nothing more than to be done with this world and its tragedies.
"Hey, I'm here." Soft brown eyes appear before me. I blink the tears away as Ari kneels, cupping my face in his hands, trailing his thumbs over my cheekbones.
"She's gone," I tell him. "Suri's dead."
"She's okay," he reassures me but I shake myself from his hold and stumble away from him.
"Palmira received a letter. She died before she reached Wymler. She's..." I press my face to my hands, my shoulders shaking as I weep. Ari pulls my hands away, turns my left hand over, and reveals my wrist where all three sygils still glow, alive and vibrant.
"She's not gone," he tells me.
"Then the sygils don't work." I shove him away, anger rising in my chest again, crashing through me like molten liquid. "They don't fucking work!" My voice bounces off the walls and the chaos in my head screams and cries those words back at me.
"Azura," he tries again, reaching for me, but I hit his hands away.
"Stop it. Stop trying to comfort me. She's dead and I'm going to do what I came here to do." I drop beside my bag again, shoving clothes into it.
"Tell me what's going on," he pleads, his own emotions rising in his voice.
The dam cracks and breaks and tumbles around me and I whirl on him, my knees trembling as I stand. There's no point hiding anymore, not since this will kill me.
I won't be walking out of the Empire alive, I'm certain of that much.
"The only reason I'm even in this fucking place is because I'm going to assassinate the Emperor of the Sharlik Empire."