Sitting in the backseat of Derrick's SUV while listening to Mom and Derrick discuss errands and other topics that need to be done today, makes me sleepy. I am afraid to doze off though. I don't remember all my dreams, but I do remember the bad feelings they gave me. I am glad Derrick and I began discussing some things in the hospital, but I do not know where to go from here. Derrick mentioned something about Pawpaw not being as responsive as he was a couple of days ago. Maybe all of this was punishment for not truly speaking with him while I had the chance. Maybe I should talk to someone else about it first, someone who was not as affected by my sudden leaving and who might be understanding.
"Is that okay with you Harper?" Mom's voice breaks me from my thoughts, only I have no clue what she said before.
"Sorry Mom," I try sitting up a little to be more attentive. "What did you say?"
She turns in her seat smiling at me, "Sorry honey, I hope you aren't too uncomfortable back there. I was saying I may stop into the store to get a couple of things as well as your prescription from the pharmacy. Is that okay, or would you rather we drop you off at home first?" Her smile is so sincere, and I can see she is trying. We have to work on our relationship together though.
"I can wait in the car, I don't mind."
"Are you sure?"
"I really don't mind. Besides, the store is on the way home, and I don't want y'all to go more out of your ways for me." Especially since we wouldn't have been at the hospital or picking up prescriptions if it weren't for me. "Mom, was Pawpaw upset when I didn't come over the next morning?" There's a long pause and awkward glances between Mom and Derrick that make me uncomfortable. "Is something wrong?"
"He's gotten worse," Derrick finally says. I can see Mom quickly wipe a single tear from her cheek. I remember Derrick mentioning something about this in the hospital, but the line between dreams and reality in there is still a little foggy.
"What does that mean exactly?" I ask a little throaty.
"I think that last day you had with Pawpaw, will be his last day like that sweetie." Silence blankets the car as we finally pull into the Kroger parking lot. Mom opens her door and says, "I will just be a jiff," before exiting toward the store. I assumed Derrick would be going in with her, but he stays right where he is.
"You can go in too if you need. I promise I won't run away." I smile and wince as I move in just the wrong way. Damn appendix.
"No, your mom and I discussed it, and it will be quicker for her to go in alone." He doesn't look back at me, and he keeps a firm grip on the steering wheel. I want to say something, but what? Our last conversation ended with him wanting to know where we go from here. The thing is, I don't know. I still have too much that has been left unsaid that would just end things with us all over again. Plus, now I have to find a way to inform Hope of everything before Ray can twist and manipulate the story to fit his own gains. What is he doing with Hope anyway? He doesn't love her. Was he hoping that the news would reach me and draw me out? How long have they been together? What if he does something similar to what he did to me to her? I need to get my mind off them until I can figure out a plan of action.
"So, Derrick," let's try a normal conversation not tied up with any kind of tension, "how is the professor life?" He laughs lightly and shakes his head.
"Too much tension for you Harper?" He knows me too well. "The professor life is good. I was finally granted tenure right after you left. So now I am working on a book in my spare time."
"Wow, congratulations! I know how much you wanted that. I am glad to see it finally happened."
"Yes well, it helps that another professor retired so they finally had the means."
"But even so, I am sure that there were other professors who could have been granted the tenure, yet they gave it to you. That is truly an honor." He smiles at me through the rearview mirror, and I return it beaming.
"Well, truth be told, I believe Ray was a real factor in getting me the position," I perk up, intent on trying to figure out why that would be. "He is an investment genius, and I think he convinced them that I too am an investment. I really owe him."
"I don't think you really owe him. I mean, he and Dad were best friends and older brothers to you. I am sure over the years, with any favors back and forth between you three, it all adds up," I speak quickly, a little too quickly, but I am hoping he just blames it on the fact that I have been asleep for two days.
"Harper, you don't understand," he runs a hand through his hair, looking around the parking lot, clearly searching for words. "Ray and Tom saved my life. I wasn't just some tag-along that spent all my spare time at Tom's house."
"I'm sorry Derrick. I know you had a rough childhood."
"No, it wasn't a rough childhood Harper. A rough childhood is not getting along with your parents because they don't understand you. I had a childhood that nearly killed me. Ray saw what my father did to me on a regular basis. He immediately called Tom and told him. They told Ed, your Pawpaw, to get me out of that house. They wouldn't say why at first, I guess because they wanted me to keep my dignity, but they eventually had to tell in order to convince Ed. That day, the police showed up with Ed; Ed immediately picked me up and walked me out of the house. I never knew what the police did with my father or his friends, and I didn't care. When I got to Ed's house, Tom and Ray were waiting with a welcome home poster and a table full of food. They had set up the guest room to now be my room. My favorite band and movie posters hanging on the wall, new clothes in the closet and a bed. My own bed. I didn't know for years how they had found out or why they chose to take me in, but I knew I was the luckiest kid in the world. I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried because of everything that had happened to me up until that point, and I cried because these guys cared enough about me to save my life." I see tears well up in his eyes even now. I can feel my own tears silently make their way down my cheeks, but for once, I let them flow.
"I never knew it was that bad. Dad always just made it seem like the rest of your family was moving away, but he and Ray wanted you to stay too much to let you go too."
"Again, your dad protecting my pride. Your Pawpaw was the only real father I ever knew. I know I'm not blood family, but being here at this time is just as important for me as it is for all of you." Neither of us says anything else while we wait for Mom. What could we say? His past is so much more than I could have ever imagined. How did Ray go from being such a saint to the man he is today? How could I ever tell Derrick that one of his saviors did what he did? I was hoping that maybe we would be able to work things out. I was hoping Derrick would find a way to forgive me after I tell him everything, and we would find our bliss. I was hoping to finally clean up this shit show of a mess and put it all behind me. Now? It appears each day throws me a new curveball trying to make the situation more difficult than it needs to be. Pawpaw would know what to do. Maybe if I go see him, there will be just a glimmer of his old self long enough to talk to him.
I see Mom walk across the parking lot with a grocery cart full of who knows what. I am betting at least half of it is booze. Oh, that's what I need right now. Of course, no one will let me have any, so I will simply have to sneak some. Derrick gets out of the car to help her unload everything in the trunk. I peek in the back, confirming my suspicions. Lots of wine, beer and liquor are peeking out of various grocery bags. I wince from the strain, and move to where I am sitting facing the front once again. Mom and Derrick get back in the car after the grocery cart gets returned to one of the cart collecting stations. We make our way home, and I can feel myself start to doze. Eyes closed, head leaning against a window, I go over the events that have transpired since I have been home. Once upon a time, I would have gone to Hope or even Stanton with my problems, but neither one of them feel like the right person to talk to right now. If I can't talk to Pawpaw, Hope, Stanton or Derrick, who should I confide in? We hit a speedbump which wakes me from my reverie. I look around and realize we are just about home. Everyone will insist I lie down, and as far as pain and discomfort, it seems to be the right call; however, part of me just wants to sit outside and try to figure out what to do.
We pull into the driveway, and Mom helps me inside while Derrick unloads the groceries from his car. We walk into the house to find Stanton and Hope sitting on the living room couch playing video games. They shoot insults back and forth, and Mom and I just look at each other shaking our heads. I can't remember the last time I played any kind of video games. I was never as good as those two anyway. We keep walking past them without saying anything, making our way to my room. I sit on my bed while mom fixes and fluffs my pillows.
"Thanks Mom, I really appreciate everything," I say as I lay back on the pile of pillows.
"It's what I'm here for sweetie. I'm just glad to be able to mom you again," she teases while she sits next to me on the bed. "I have your antibiotics. The directions instruct you take them twice a day after you eat. So, we will do the first dose right after dinner. Until then, just rest. Let me know if you need anything in the meantime," she pats my hand a couple of times before leaving my room. I lay my head back to rest. My body is exhausted and just wants me to sleep. My mind, however, is running a million miles per hour. I keep going back to Derrick's story about his past, wondering exactly how long he suffered in his father's house. What did he do to him? How did he get past it all?
A knock on my door breaks me from my thoughts, and I answer, "Come in!" with my eyes still closed.
"I hope I'm not disturbing you," Thomas barely steps into my room, and I try to sit up a little.
"No, not disturbing at all, I wasn't asleep yet."
"Well that's good," he steps in a little further before continuing, "I just wanted to let you know I'm here for your beck and call." He bows at his waist and I cannot help but giggle.
"Why thank you, Jeeves," I wave my hand around in a bowing fashion in return.
"But, in all seriousness, I really am here for you Harper. We were practically inseparable as kids, best friends even." He fiddles his thumbs around before continuing, "I know you have been through a lot, and you and Pawpaw were always close. So, I am here, if you need to talk or just need alcohol snuck in like the old days, or whatever." I smile fondly at Thomas. Joker that he is, underneath it all is one of the best people I have ever known. Ever since I arrived back home, he has been there at times I really needed someone, someone without an agenda. Maybe this is the answer I was waiting for. Maybe Thomas is who I should talk to and get advice from.
"Thank you, Thomas," I take a deep breath and look away, wondering how to begin.
"Knock, knock," my bedroom door opens to the one person I absolutely have no interest in talking with. "Oh, Thomas, I didn't know you were in here." His smile is too big, as if he is up to something. "Kay could use some help in the kitchen since she is making Laney a separate dinner."
"Sure thing, Ray," Thomas makes his way out of my room, but before leaving says one last thing, "She is Harper now, Ray, not Laney."
Ray shrugs before defending himself, "old habits I suppose." Thomas shoots me one last exasperated look before leaving. Once again, I find myself trapped in a room with Ray. I wish I had another appendix to rupture just to get out of this situation.
"Why are you here?"
"What do you mean exactly? Why am I in your room? I was concerned, of course, ever since we had to bring you to the Emergency Room. Why am I at your house? Your family is my family, and I never turn my back on family." I snort at this last answer. "Why is that so funny?"
"Oh, you know, it is just such a bold statement from someone who left his wife and kids a few years ago."
"That was different."
"When was the last time you saw your kids anyway? They must all be teenagers now," something flashes in his eyes that would usually make me cower, but I like that I have hit a nerve. I won't back down now. "Isn't Weston graduating this upcoming year? Do you know what college he is attending? I know one that he probably didn't even consider applying to," I can see his anger building, and I just hope he messes up when someone eventually barges into my room again.
"Shut up, Harper," the way he says my name sends an immediate chill down my spine, but it does not deter me from my war path.
"What lies do you tell my family about seeing them? What empty promises have you made to Hope about being a part of a family that won't speak to you? Does anyone else even know why your wife and kids dumped you?" He swoops over and grabs my neck to keep me from continuing.
"Are you threatening me, Harper? We both know that would be a mistake."
Straining through his grip, I manage to say, "I see some things never change." He releases his grip on my throat and begins to collect himself. "I repeat: what are you doing here?" I gently rub my neck while I wait for his answer.
"As I said before," he begins as he takes a seat next to me on my bed. "Your family is my family. I was asked to be here by a few people, and so I came. Although, admittedly, I was on the fence about it until I heard you were back too." He brushes his hand against my cheek, and I try to turn away. "Oh Laney, whatever happened to us?"
"There was never an 'us', Ray. There will never be an 'us' either. There was a mistake, and then there was a relationship built on blackmail and deceit. I don't know what your game is here, but I refuse to be a part of it. I also refuse to let whatever charade you have on with Hope go on much longer."
"Oh? And how do you plan on breaking my so-called charade with your sister? She and I are quite happy. Although," he begins to run his hand slowly up my leg, "not quite as happy as I was with you." I try to kick him off my legs, but even that small motion sends immediate pain throughout my body. "Ah, seems you can't fight back," he runs his hand up further, and I slap him. His eyes flash again, only this time I'm afraid because that up to no good smile stays plastered to his face. "One day Laney, everyone will know what you have done and the kind of person you really are, and the only who will be willing to take you back will be me." He leans in close to my face, pinning down my arms. I begin hyperventilating, which causes more pain in my side. "Don't you see, Laney? You belong with me. No one else could ever forgive you for your countless sins, as I have. No one else would ever want to pick up the pieces of someone so broken. Fantasize all you want about your future, but in the end, you know I am your only future Laney," he whispers this last part in my ear. I remain frozen on the bed. He forcefully kisses me once again before standing back up quickly. "Remember, if you need anything," Ray reverts back to his charming and innocent act as the door to my room opens again, "just call. Afterall, I am just here to help."
"Ray, I didn't know you were in here," Hope steps lightly into the room. "Should I give you two another moment?"
"Oh no, we're done for now. I was just reminding Harper that I'm here for her."
"That's so sweet." Hope kisses Ray on the cheek, and then blushes remembering that although I know, their relationship is a secret.
"Well I'm off to see where else I can be a help around the house. I'll be seeing you," he kisses Hope, but keeps eye contact with me. Ray begins to leave, and Hope turns to face me. Ray makes a kiss face and winks at me before closing the door. I cannot tell what I am feeling anymore. Everything he said mirrored all the feelings of that dream I had before I went to the hospital. What if my future is Ray? Oh, that thought brings the taste of bile to my mouth.
"How are you feeling?" I momentarily forgot Hope was still in the room. I try to sit up, but wince immediately.
"I'm fine," I say trying to truly mean it.
"Harper, you look pale. Should I get you some water?"
"Uh, actually, can you ask Thomas to bring me some water? I forgot to tell him something when he was in here before." I can tell Hope's feelings are hurt. Before the whole appendix fiasco, we had an argument about her being with Ray. I just don't know how to talk with her alone without that subject coming up.
"Sure, I'll switch out with Thomas in the kitchen. No problem," she stammers as she exits my room. I shut my eyes, trying to relax and erase Ray from my mind. No matter what, he weasels his way back into my life and into my head. My eyes are closed, I'm alone, yet I still feel his hands squeezing my throat. The ghost of his fingers travelling up and down my body without permission. There's always something about Ray that brings me back unless I run away; I want Derrick more than anything though. Every bone in my body is afraid of Ray, but he always seems to hypnotize me into submission. I wish I never had to see him again. He is the worst thing to ever happen in my life; well, the second worst thing to ever happen in my life. I push the thoughts of the worst thing from my head. I will not go there until I absolutely have to.
A knock on my door saves me from my thoughts.
"Come in," I call out.
"Your humble and handsome butler has returned," Thomas curtsies instead of bowing this time, producing a glass of water from behind his back. I laugh while shaking my head.
"Thank you," I croak as he sets the glass on my nightstand and helps me sit up a little better in the bed.
"So, Hope said you wanted to talk to me about something?"
"I do," I manage after a few big sips of water, "but I'm nervous. I have no idea where to begin, or how you'll react. The thing is, I need to talk to someone, and at the moment, I have the most faith in you for just listening and being completely honest with me."
"Harper, I know I'm the jokester of the family, but I really am here for you. And I will try my hardest to pass no judgment," he holds up to fingers before finishing with, "Scout's honor."
"I am not sure if you were ever any kind of scout, but I will take it. Thank you." I take a deep breath, trying to find the words, wondering what will come out.
"Take your time, Harper. Seriously though, there is no need to worry. It's just me." I smile at him, so thankful to finally have someone I feel confident in speaking with.
"It all started when I went off to school," I begin.
... ... ...
"Wow, Harper, I'm not entirely sure what to say." I finally finish telling everything to Thomas, miraculously, without interruption from anyone in the house. I have been clutching one of my pillows for most of the story. "If you hadn't just had surgery, I'd offer getting us drinks." Thomas rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands. I drink more of my water while I wait for Thomas to say something more. I just keep waiting for him to berate me or tell me I deserve whatever is coming to me.
"Honestly, I'd take that drink regardless of my surgery." I fiddle with the pillowcase still waiting for what Thomas has to say.
"Listen, Harper, I have no place to offer advice on anything you told me, so I hope that's not what you are waiting for; however, I'm deeply sorry for all that you went through and for having to deal with it all on your own. Only, you haven't really been dealing with it, you've been avoiding it all. Can't say I blame you with everything else that's going on."
"I really screwed things up, Thomas. I can't fix anything, but I want to try to at least make things better. I just wish I knew where to go from here." I lay my head back, gazing up at the ceiling, hoping Thomas will just drop answers in my lap.
"Harper, I know it's tough with Pawpaw being in the state he is in. And I know you two were always close, but that doesn't mean you have to tell him everything. You said you told him about you and Derrick?" I nod to answer him. "Well, I think that might be enough for Pawpaw. I know you feel like you owe him more, but I'm not so sure that telling him is the right answer. Pawpaw has always only wanted what's best for you, for any of us. Live a life that will not only make you happy, but also make him proud. That's what I'm trying to do for my dad." He goes silent for a moment, and I do my best to not interrupt said silence. I can't believe how long Thomas has been holding onto guilt over his dad's death, but I think what Pawpaw said has also been slowly sinking into that guilt to dissipate it all. I keep getting so wrapped up in my own head with my own problems, I forget that everyone else has suffered their traumas. I also keep forgetting that I'm not the only one losing Pawpaw. Sure, we may have a different relationship than the others, but that doesn't lessen their pain and loss by any means.
"Thomas, I'm sorry."
"What? What for?"
"I never realized the amount of hurt and guilt you have gone through all these years. I could never truly understand it either. Now, you're losing a lifeline to your father's past through Pawpaw. I have been so selfish, and now I've dumped my shit in your lap."
"Gross, but go on," he smirks at me, and I just shake my head.
"All I've wanted since I got back home was to see Pawpaw, tell him everything and then leave again. The thing is, the more time I've spent here, the more I've realized what a mess I've made without some people even realizing it. I thought I could confess and absolve my sins with Pawpaw, but that's not right. Leaving here again, it would be unfair without at least trying to clean it up. Not only that, but being here, being present for family in their own time of grief," I grab ahold of Thomas' hand, "that's a much better way to try to absolve my sins." He raises his eyebrows at me, and I laugh before continuing, "or at least a better way to make up for lost time."
"Here, here!" We each raise our hands as if clinking our glasses.
"Ah, if only it was real," I sigh gazing at our hands holding imaginary drinks.
"Hey, as soon as you're off your antibiotics, we will get you a nice strong drink."
"Perfect. Maybe we can even leave the house to go get them."
"Ah, does someone miss the fun we had Gator Alley?" I really do. Gator Alley was my favorite haunt for a brief stint. Europe was beautiful and had many places to drink, but none with an atmosphere quite like Gator Alley.
"You know, I really do."
"Then Gator Alley it is! I'll make sure Hope jots it down in her palm pilot for two weeks from today."
"Palm pilot? Oh goodness Thomas, you sure are something. Were we even alive when palm pilots were in use?"
"That's irrelevant your honor." We both laugh at the ridiculousness that is Thomas. I always admired his light-heartedness paired with his charm. I bet that's exactly like what Uncle Lionel was like as a young man. A knock on my door interrupts our fun. I shoot a panicked look at Thomas, who looks like he's fiercely ready to defend my honor.
"Come in," I call out meekly.
"Hey," Derrick pops his head around the door. I let out a small sigh of relief. "I was sent to let you both know dinner is ready."
"Thanks Rick, we'll be right there." Derrick closes the door, leaving Thomas and I alone one last time. "Listen, I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to do it, but if you're that afraid of Ray," I look sheepishly at Thomas knowing where he's going with this line of conversation.
"Thomas, I appreciate everything really. I will deal with this whole situation, including Ray, but please let me do it my own way. Don't make any suggestions to him that you know. When I finally reveal what kind of man he really is, I want him completely thrown off his game. That won't happen if he knows that someone other than me sees through his charade."
"Understood, just please, be careful Harper."
"Yes sir," I salute him. We both laugh as he stands up.
"Alright cripple, let's get you to dinner." Thomas gingerly helps me out of my bed and onto my feet. I pause at the pain of standing, but quickly suck it up. If I can make it through this pain, I can make it through any future obstacles.