My muscles cracked as I stretched and yawned deeply. The sun was coming in through my curtains, so I was sure that it was later in the day. I rolled over, realizing shortly after that I was able to, which meant that Caleb wasn't there.
I sat up hastily, looking around for nothing in particular. With a heavy sigh, I pushed my hair out of my face and made my way out of bed. I was sweaty because I chosento sleep in fuzzy lounge pants and a long sleeve. I still felt like I had to be extremly modest if Caleb and I would continue to sleep in the same bed. And for some strange reason, I hoped that we did.
With another yawn, I made my way towards kitchen. Dad was in the living room watching the news while Andrew played with blocks on the floor.
"Morning dad."
"So, you've decided to join the world huh?"
With a roll of my eyes, I scavenged my way towards the kitchen, settling on a bowl of cereal.
"What timeis it anyway." I asked.
The kitchen and the living room was seperated by a large bar, so I could see straight into the kitchen and vice versa.
"Quarter till one."
I gawked. "Seriously?" Before I couldn't seem to sleep past eight in the morning. Nights were just too painful. The aroused feelings that didn't seem to surface during the day. I'd sometimes have nightmares, and I'd wake up screaming.
But last night, had been so peaceful. I slept deeply for the first time in god only knows how long. And even as I sat eating my breakfast on the couch, I felt lighter, like I had somehow relieved myself.
We sat there quietly, him watching tv, and me eating my breakfast. It was a nice moment. Even though we were doing simple every day things, I felt good. For once I wasn't plagued by memories or haunted by the past. I was simply jist in a state of being.
"Hey dad, where's Caleb?" Now that my brain wasn't focused on counting chews, I could focus.
"Oh ueah, he said to tell you that he'd be back before you could even miss him."
"Oh please. What is that suppose to mean?"
He shrugged. "You tell me. You're his girlfriend."
"Best friend. We're just best friends." I corrected.
"Well, your best friend said to be ready in a little bit." The way he annunciated best friend made me roll my eyes. Was my father excited that I actually had a human friend, or a guy that he approved of was sleeping in my bed? Neither made sense, and the last one was kind of weird.
"For?" I prompted.
"Him and his friends are going to the mall."
I gagged. Anything that included Caleb and his friends in the same sentence, I didn't want to be a part of. It never went well.
"No thanks dad, I went yesterday."
"But did you buy anything?" He eyed me from the top of his newspaper.
"No, why?"
"Because you need new school clothes." He said simply. "And you can't back out, I already gave Caleb's mom the money to give to Caleb.
I sucked in the air around me. The last thing I wanted to do was shop with a bunch of strangers.
"Dad." I whined.
He shook his head, clearly aware of where I was going. "Uh-uh. You haven't been to school in a while, it's time you got ome new things."
At that, we both sombered, knowing the reason why I'd missed out on the end of junior year and almost didn't pass. And we also both knew who the person was that took me shopping, and we knew that she'd never do it again.
I gritted my teeth, trying to hold back the sting I was starting to feel.
I sighed in defeat. "Alright."
I staled in the shower until I was basically a prune. Afterwards, I took the time to actually blow dry my hair bone straight. I was nervous, and I didn't know when Caleb would be back.
Why was I so jittery? Oh yeah, because I was being forced to be social.
By the time I finished shifting from outfit to outfit, dad was calling me. Too nervous to focus on exactly what it was that I wore, I settled for jeans and a long sleeve.
"Tab! They're waiting on you!"
"Alright! I'm coming!" I purposefully took my time making my way out. Maybe they would become impatient and leave.
I had no such luck. Caleb ca,e to the door to personally escort.
I grumbled. "Why are you guys making me do this. It's not fair." Pout mode may have been for kids, but I sure didn't care. I'd rather save my self the impending humilation.
"Oh quit it Tab. They are not that bad." He said as he dragged me towards his jeep. I could see figures in the front and back.
"Great. So you at least ackowledge that they're not all that great either."
He ignored me as he opened the back door for me. A blonde head of hair looked back out at me.
"Yo! It's Tabitha!" He exclaimed.
I internally grimaced when I saw that it was Josh. "Hey." I mumbled
Great, I could already see how this was going to go. I could imagine him now bringing up all my prior imlerfections.
"Oh, Tabitha, hey." Amber turned around to give me a warm smile.
I tried to return the same thing, but I could barely look at her. She was the type of girl that pained you to look at for too long. She was just that pretty.
"I hear we're going to be shopping buddies today!" She chirped. She was busy applying another set of that sticky stuff to her lips in a little compact mirrior.
"Yeah, I guess." I was suddenly intrested in the chipped nail polish on my fingernails.
"Oh, can I join!" Josh nudged me in the side, making me slightly of comfortable.
My cheeks pinked as I remebered what he'd said to me just the otherday. He called me really cute.
Caleb went around to the driver's side and reved the engine. As we pulled out of the neighborhood, I did my best to only stare out the window. There chatter becoming numbing backround noise. I was going to make this as easy for me as I could, to just completely shut them out.
I was slightly surprised when Josh tapped me on the leg.
"Didn't mean to scare you." He grinned. "I just couldn't get your attention."
"Oh." Was all I said.
"Anyway," he started. After I still hadn't said anything he spoke again. "Did you not hear me?" He said nervously.
I cleared my throat. "Oh, um, no...sorry."
He smiled. "It's okay. I said I like your hair. It looks good straight."
"Oh." I was slightly surprised as I fiddeld with the ends. "Thanks."
If he kept complementing me, I knew I'd have conformation that I was in some sort of alternate universe.
"Welcome." I tuned out the rest of their conversation as we rode.
*****
"We can meet at the food court in an hour or two." Caleb was walking hand in hand with Amber while Josh and I walked ahead of them. He kept rtying to male small talk with me.
"Sounds good to me." Amber commented. She stretched on her toes to kiss him on the lips and then pulled me away from the guys. They would be embarking on their own journey. I was anticipating mine to be a tough one.
"So what made you move back?" Amber brushed her long dark hair from in front of face as she shifted through racks of flower print dresses.
I cleared my throat. This store was giving me a headache. It was way too pink and colorful, and there was not a single thing in here that I could see myself wearing.
"Um, personal problems."
She nodded. "Boy, do I understand that. Here take this."
She handed me a short paiey dress with a deep scoop neck. I felt my eyebrows knit. "What is this?" I held it like an old piece of meat.
She laughed. "I've been put on shopping duty. Orders from Caleb's mom."
Right. Because I no longer had ome. So who elsewould there be to give me fashion advice? I gritted my teeth, trying to change my thought path.
"I can't wear this." I stated.
She continued to sift through rack after rack, picking up things that only she could pull off. "Oh, you'll look fine."
"No, really, I can't. I just...I." My voice trailed off as I could only stare at the floor.
Girls like me couldn't wear things like that. It wasn't deemed appropriate. The one time in ninth grade where I actually tried to "fit in" with the "in crowd", it only made things worse. It was clear that I was the weirdo, the sore them. My body was still a twig, and I had no boobs or even hips to fill anything out. It had almost been the death of me.
"Well, could you at least try it on first?" The look she gave me was strange. I could only imagine how pathetic I looked in her eyes.
I nodded stiffly, not wanting to seem like an even bigger idiot. I felt like a child around her.
I followed her offer with a clerk towards the dressing rooms. She handed me a few hangers and then prompted me inside.
I kept my back towards the mirror, not really wanting to see what was there. The dress was as tight as it looked. I'd never worn anything so form fitting. It hugge my body and stopped right above my knees. I tugged at it, but it only hiked back up. With a huff, I contemplated on whether or not I should just take it off.
"Hey, Tabitha, you okay in there?"
"Uh," I fumbled with the zipper on the back of the dress. "Yeah. I'm okay!"
"Okay well, I'm coming in."
"No!" I called out.
Her body slid in through the door. With one look, her whole face changed. And with that, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
"I was g-gonna take it off." I mumbled quietly. Only a girl like her could pull a dress like this off.
"Why, you look great. Better then I thought you would actually." She almost laughed at her self.
"Thanks?" I couldn't really see how it was a compliment, but it was a step up from the usual.
She smiled. "I say you should buy it. But hey, it's your money and your style."
Well, if you wanted to be politically correct, I didn't have a style, just random pieces of clothing that I happend to throw together. But, I was open to trying new things. Some of the greatest paintings would have never been painted had Picaso and others chosen to stay inside their comfort zone.
With an uncomfortable turn up of my mouth, because it couldn't really be a smile, I nodded a little. "Okay, I guess."
"Oh no, no no, if you don't want to buy it, I mean I was just insisting because you know you kimd of-"
"Really, it's fine. " I gave a small smile, I appreciated how she was taking time out of her life to pick out clothes for her boyfriends best friend. Wich, when you thought about it was kind of strange, but she didn't complain.
So for the duration that we were here, I let her choose things that I would never step in to. She picked out new shoes, well heels anyway, which I wasn't even going to think about putting on. For some strange reason, I felt like pleasing this girl.
She talked a mile a minute, and by the time we left to meet up with the guys, she had told me her whole life story. I couldn't say that I caught every bit of it, but she did seem to be pretty funny.
"Oh! I see Josh!" Amber pointed in the direction of a fast food joint. She all but skipped over while I followed in tow with a crap load of bags.
With a huff, I dropped on a table and plopped down. No wonder being a girl never really intrested me, it was so much work. How did she even manage to keep up?
Josh turned and greeted her. I couldn't see what they were saying because their backs were to me, but I saw Amber gesture towards me. I was starting to feel slightly paranoid. What if they were talking about me? Could she be telling him how much of a dope I was?
I sighed. God I would have to get my brain under control. It always started going hyper-active, conjuring up the worst possible scenarios.
I was drumming my fingers on the table when the two started walking back in my direction. Josh carried a paper bag in his hand while Amber sipped on a large cup.
"So, you're still alive I see." He smiled as he sat down beside me. My heart sped up a little.
Amber sat down across from me. "I know right. I didn't think she could do it, but she did!" She had a strange way of deleviring compliments.
"What's that suppose to mean?" I mumbled.
"Most girls don't survive the wrath of A." Josh commented. "She tends to become a major control-freak-psycopath when shopping. Take this and this and this, grab that- ow!" Josh laughed, his blonde curls shaking in the process.
"I do not!" She said defensivley.
"You don't what?" Caleb came and pulled out the chair next to Amber. He sat down a tray of chinese food on the table. Boy, did he ever switch things up?
Amber pecked on the lips before answering. "Josh is being a dick." There was no acid in this, so I knew she was just picking.
"Isn't he always." Caleb shoved an entire egg roll in his mouth. "What'd you buy Tab?"
Little bits of chewed egg roll left his mouth. I made a face while Josh answered for me.
"You mean what did your girlfriend buy." He corrected.
Amber cut her eyes. "We just picked out a few things."
"We." Josh interjected with a smirk on his face.
"Oh be quiet. Yes we." Amber tossed her dark locks. "She got some pretty hotbstuff." Her eyebrows waggled up and down.
I could feel my cheeks warming as Caleb eyed me with a funny look on his face. "Hot? I don't think the word hot is used with Tab in the same sentence."
"Ouch!" Josh laughed.
"Caleb!" Amber punched his arm.
I could feel the color draining from my face. Is that how he thought of me, the opposite of hot? I'd hate to admit it, but I was offended.
Caleb cut his eyes. "I didn't mean it like that. I just mean that Tab is a laid back, chill person. She could wearbsweats and a Tee and still be just as 'hot' simply because she's Tab."
My cheeks were on full flame mode.
"Nice save." Josh snickered. "And you're right, she is hot in her own way."
God make it stop! I was so embarrassed. I sat there with my eyes on the table.
"Dude! She's like a sster to me, you can't call her hot!" Caleb's eyes widend in mock horror.
Josh laughed, popping a fry into his mouth. "Damn right I can!" He leaned into me and winked. I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt so out of my element.
"Guys quit it, you're making her blush." Amber giggled.
I was about sixty second from dissolving into thin air.
After their laughing segment, they continued to converse and talk about everything amd notjing while I just sat there and tried to join in, but the time never really came.
We left around three and then Caleb drove to the lake. I stayed in the car while they fooled around by the dock. Amber and Caleb then broke off to the trail hand in hand.
I was sitting on the hood of his jeep when Josh walked towards me with his hands in his pockets. It was early Autumn, so it wasn't quite cold yet, but there wind made you shiver every now and then.
He came and leaned on the hood,nhis body facing me.
"I don't get you." He said quietly.
I kept my eyes focused on the ripples of light the sun made on the water. "What do you mean?" I slippedbmy sandles of and pull my knees up to my chin.
"I mean, you're...so quiet, and benevolent, and...you don't act like mlst. You're really, aloof."
"Your vocabulary has changed since fith grade."
He chuckled. "Yeah well, you've changed since fith grade." His blue eyes caught the sun, and for a moment, they lit up like gems.
My tongue caught a little. "How so?"
He shrugged, his eyes zoning out to the lake. "I don't know. For one, you grew to be, well...hot." His eyes remained on the water, but I saw his cheeks turn pink for half a second.
I did my best to hide my surprise. Earlier, I had thought that he was just joking, but was he actually being serious?
"Can I ask you something?" I said suddenly.
He turned to look at me and smiled. "Shoot."
I couldn't look him in the eyes,so instead, I kept them on the red polish of my toes. "Why did you hate me so much?" From first to sixth grade Josh did nothing but tease, taunt and mock me. He would always pull my hair and call me names. Since the other kids looked up to him, they followed his suit. I found it to be his fault for the tormenting I suffered.
He chcukled a little, leaning his head back and closing his eyes to the sky before shaking his head and looking back at me. "Tabitha, I never hated you." He laughed. "Yeah, I thought you were weird, but I never hated you." He nudged me in the side. "I was just upset that you chose Caleb to be your best friend instead of me."
I all but chokked on my spit, my eyes gawking. "I'm sorry...come again?"
He laughed. "You don't remeber do you?" I gave him a blank look. He smiled sigh."we were all in kindergarden. You, Caleb and I. And, it was around valentine's day and we all got to make these paper hearts and stuff. We were in the same group and," he paused, as if trying to remember something. "When we were done, we were suppose to exchange hearts with the person of our chosing. Caleb gave you his first, and you took it. And then, when I tried to give you mine, you rejected it, saying tnat you already had one from Caleb."
I couldn't help but stare at him as I started to recall that day. We were in Mrs. Warren's class. Josh jad been so excited about that heart. It was as if it was his most prized possesion. I was so set on admiring just Caleb's, I hadn't even realized that all of Josh's hard work had been wasted. He ended up throwing his away and pouting for the rest of the day.
My face fell. "Oh god, Josh, I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize-"
He waived a hand. "That was ages ago. Who even cares anymore." He laughed airly.
I watched him as he fiddled with his fingers absemtmindedly. "What did it say?" I asked quietly.
"The heart?" I nodded. He shrugged. "I don't know. I think it was a stick drawing of the two of us, and what I believed was suppose to say best friends forever. But, it was probably just a bunch of random letters that almost, but not quite resembled the alphabet." He chuckled.
I continued to stare at him, unable to say anything. All this time I thought he'd despised me just because. But now I realized that it was my fault. I'd rejected his heart, literally.
I rested a hand on his. He looked up in surprise. With a weak smile, I said, "Really, I'm sorry. That was really sucky of me."
He placed his other hand on top of mine. "You were a dick, we all were when we were young." He laughed. "And it's okay. I didn't make your life any easier then you made that day."
I smiled. "No, you didn't."
We both laughed. Josh's eyes twinkled as he did, his whole face lighting up. A hjshed silence fell over us. I cleared my throat when I realized I was still starring at him.
"Well, now that we've moved passed the past twelve years of our life, truce?" He extended a waiting hand.
I watched it for a moment, did I really want to trust him? I did. "Truce." We shook hands witha smile on both of our faces.
This was turning out to be an interesting day.
*****