The sound of waves filled my ears. The feeling of warm sun melted across my skin. I was In Florida. I looked up to find my father barbecuing, while my mother and Jen splashed along the beach. I was home. They suddenly all turned to me and motioned me to get up and join them. I began to sit up but pain erupted through my body. Suddenly the waves were gone and the air smelt of metal coins.
My lashes fluttered open. Flashes of bright light attacked my vision as I strained my eyes to focus. My eyelids felt too heavy to lift all the way and the room was blurry. The throbbing at the back of my head caused my vision to spot every time it pulsed. A dusty film of plaster coated my skin like a pastry dipped in sugar. My skin felt awfully dry and tight, and I was afraid any movements would somehow snap it. How long had I been out? I stared up at the ceiling. Head spinning so much I couldn't possibly get up yet.
My mind swam and swam, trying to remember what happened, and how I ended up here. The body sized hole in the wall above me quickly jogged my memory, and hurt filled my heart. My vision pricked with hot tears and I reached an aching hand to wipe them away. Plaster and wall residue flaked off my arms from the motion and softly fell to the floor. The pain of how Brahms treated me stung like a knife stabbing me over and over. How could he do this to me. And why? The more I pondered the more I remembered all the instances he had used and abused me. After all, this wasn't the first time I had been thrown at the wall. And judging by the way he has treated me, I guessed this wasn't the last. I couldn't take this anymore.
A panic bubble formed in my throat as I thought of our child growing inside me. If he treats me like this while pregnant, how will he treat this child? My heart dropped. If the baby is even alive. I needed to get help. I needed to save myself and the baby. A burst of energy suddenly coursed through my veins, and I found the strength to get up. An overwhelming sense to protect this child was the only thing driving me. It was a slow process but I eventually sat up. Black spots danced across my vision, threatening to consume me and my head pounded in sync with my heart. I reached back to touch the spot that ached. My hair was matted with blood and plaster and felt almost crunchy from drying in a strange way. The back of my head must have taken much of the force.
After my dizziness cleared with a few deep breaths, I began to crawl towards my room. I wasn't sure if I could stand just yet and I didn't want to risk falling.
At the threshold of the door I paused. veins turning to ice as I realized I didn't know where Brahms was. My heart hammered as I slowly looked up, expecting him to be standing there ready to pick me up and toss me at the wall again. But he wasn't there. I tried my best to calm my breathing and slow my racing heart so I could better hear my surroundings. I strained my ears as hard as I could and couldn't make out anything. Good.
I needed to get some clothes on, then find my phone to call the police. I wasn't quite sure what I was going to tell them. I reached my dresser and pulled out undies, a baggy sweater, and joggers. I wasn't too concerned about looking fashionable. I vigorously chewed my lip as I quickly flopped into my clothes. I glanced up at the bed where my purse lay, my phone buried inside somewhere. I needed to stand and nearly groaned at the prospect. I shifted to a kneeling position then planted one foot and lifted my body.
Sparks danced across my vision and I quickly backed up against the dresser before I could collapse. I pressed my hand to my stomach, as if somehow I could feel the child inside me and make sure they were still alive. Make sure their little heart was still beating. Did they even have a heart yet? The back of my eyes stung and tears tried to form once again. My nose stung and I tried my best to fight them back. I didn't have time for this.
I crept towards the bed and reached for my purse. My hands shook so bad I could barely grasp anything, and with tears blurring my vision I could hardly see anything. Eventually my fingers grazed the glass screen and I was able to grasp and pull it from the purse. My reflection in the dark glass was unrecognizable. There was a lot more blood than I thought and the dark circles under my eyes made me look ghoulish. I looked exactly how I felt. Broken.
I unlocked the screen and opened up the phone app ready to dial 999 but my thumb froze, hovering about the virtual button.
Was I really doing this? I Inhaled a deep breath and glanced out the window. The sun was just beginning to set. I was out cold for hours. Just left there to rot. The melted-creamsicle sky outside reminded me of my dream. The fading golden rays streaming down on my mother's hair. My sisters laughed as she splashed in the water. My fathers proud smile from the porch of my old home, spatula in hand. I longed to be there again. To be far from this. To be far from my fears. To have hope.
I looked at my phone again. I could have that all again. I could get it back so easy. Just one phone call. That's all it took. I would tell them everything, then watch as detective inspector Marchant drags Brahms away forever.
The thought twists like a knife In my gut more than I expected it to. My heart squeezed then wrung itself. The thought of betraying Brahms hurt so much. I felt ashamed for even thinking of it.
My gaze dropped to my belly and despite the pain, I knew what I had to do. I picked my purse up and crept towards the door. I couldn't make the call in the house. Brahms might hear through the sound pipes snaked through the walls and attack me before the police could arrive. If I drove to the gate and made the call he wouldn't be able to reach me.
My footfalls were so loud on the wood floor I was afraid of being discovered. I listened so hard to try to pinpoint Brahm's location.
A soft noise caused my ears to pick up and my feet to stop stepping. It was faint but I could hear it. It was a series of shutters and... sobs? Curiosity bubbled In my mind and I quickly stopped in front of Brahms's little boy room. I peeked inside to find nothing but an empty room, however the sobbing was louder. The noise echoed through the passage within the closet. Brahms must have been in his lair in the walls. But why was he crying? Absentmindedly, I dropped my purse on the small bed and tiptoed to the closet. The noise was unmistakable now, and they weren't sobs. They were wails.
My heart clenched at the sound. I had never heard him cry like this before. What on earth was going on? I was about to step into the wall but suddenly paused and glanced back to my purse. Now was my chance to throw this life away. To escape. But the sound of Brahms in pain was pulling me to the wall. He may have hurt me, but I still loved him. Maybe, we could make things right.
~*~
Facing the door to his secret room drained all the courage and hope I had gained. I feared that any second I would get spooked and make a dash back into the main house. Brahms's cries continued beyond the door, and were the only thing driving me to stay.
Maybe this was a bad idea? He doesn't want to see me. What if he lashes out again? I pushed the thoughts back. I needed to have courage. I sucked in a breath and opened the door.
The scene that greeted me was heartbreaking. Brahms lay on the floor by his bed cradling, the Brahms doll. His tears plinked onto the dolls porcelain face, causing it to weep as well. I quietly stepped in the room. Between sobs Brahms quietly muttered my name. I paused, afraid he caught me but when I glanced toward him, it appeared he hadn't noticed me yet.
I apprehensively glanced around the dim room. What now?
The animal traps dangling from the ceiling looked ready to ensnare me and lock me up forever. I still felt so out of place here.
What can I do to let him know I'm here without causing alarm? My heart ached seeing him like this, and I wanted nothing more than to pull him close to me and hold him. I silently cursed my too emotional heart and yearning to fix his damaged soul. Why couldn't I be made of steel and just leave? Call the police and never look back? Because you love him. I told myself.
I continued carefully toward him until I reached him. He looked so helpless on the ground, way different from the man with rage in his eyes that threw me at the wall. Before my mind could think through what to do next, my arm gently reached for him and my fingers found the warm flesh of his arm.
Brahms jumped with a gasp and his face shot towards me in shock. His hazel eyes were red and puffy from tears. The red spot in his right eye had almost entirely blended in with the other irritated vessels. I half expected him to jump up and wrap his hands around my throat, but instead he just gazed at me, tears still streaming.
"Danny?" He asked, almost as if I weren't really there and only a figment of his imagination. The back of my throat burned. I didn't know what to say.
"I hurt you." He said examining my bloody head. I couldn't do anything but nod. No use in lying.
He lifted a shaky hand to caress my face and I flinched. He immediately pulled his hand away.
"You didn't follow the rules." His voice was flat.
I almost laughed with shock. "What rules?" I said in a near shout.
"Be good to me and I'll be good to you." His teeth were clenched as he spoke.
I shook my head in disbelief. "I have been nothing but good to you Brahms! You are my world! And I have done everything to protect and care for you."
"Then why don't you give me what I want?" He shouted deeply. His eyes held the anger of a spoiled child.
Somehow I found the courage to stand my ground and my rage flew out of my mouth before I had the chance to swallow it back. "You can't just take everything you want! That's not how life works Brahms! You can't just be fed with a silver spoon all your life and treat people like objects to use! You can't be a spoiled brat! Your parents aren't here to give you everything you desire and clean up all your messes anymore. You need to grow up and be a man!"
My chest heaved with anger, but somehow felt lighter like a weight had been lifted. Brahms looked utterly shaken by my words. He must have never been spoken to like that in his life. In this moment I didn't care about the repercussions, I was just glad I was able I state my peace. He was utterly speechless.
"Brahms..." I said, tone growing softer. "I LOVE you. I want a relationship with you. And relationships require giving more than taking, and compromises. We need to compromise and listen to each other."
He sat in silence for a long moment.
Afraid he wasn't ever going to say anything, I turned to leave when he whispered, "I'm so sorry".
I turned back to face him. Tears streamed down his puffy face. The water droplets on the right side of his face followed the paths of the rivulets and wrinkles of his burnt skin.
His eyes flicked up to meet me and my heart stilled. I could see some terrible turmoil was ripping him apart from the inside out.
"I am so sorry Danielle. I love you."
I cupped my hands over my mouth that held back the sobs wanting to escape.
"I don't except you to forgive me." He said quietly as he gently set the doll down.
I was about to reach to embrace him when I remembered the baby. I needed to get to a doctor fast. I needed to make sure they were still alive.
"Brahms, I need to go. I'll be back soon. I need to get to a hospital to make sure this baby is okay."
His eyes shot up to mine. "I don't understand?" He asked, tears still streaming. "Why did this happen? How did you get pregnant? Did Andy do it?"
I suddenly felt like the wind was knocked out of me. "Wha.... what?"
He shook his head dark curls swaying in the motion. "How could this happen?"
Why didn't he get it? "Brahms... you got me pregnant. You are the father." I spoke cautiously, glancing over at the small steel framed bed where he first made love to me. I paused and wondered if that could have been the night our child was conceived.
Brahms followed my gaze to the bed, still confused. "How?"
"Brahms..." I lowered to my knees beside him to level with him, "did your parents ever teach you about...." I struggled to think of the right word for the situation then finally settled on "reproduction?"
He looked at me almost frustrated and embarrassed . "No......." his voice was quiet.
Stunned, I tried my best to hold my composure. What? Why? Brahms had gotten lessons nearly every day of his life, how had this never come up? Perhaps the Heelshires assumed Brahms would never be in a relationship and didn't bother teaching him how any of that worked? But still? Brahms is extremely smart, and his home is essentially a library full of all kinds of books. Surely at least one of them talks about how babies are made? I was baffled. How could he not know this? He surely knew about sex. Didn't he?
"You know what sex is right?" I asked squinting my eyes a bit as if to shield myself from whatever he was going to respond with.
He blinked at me slowly as if I just said something Incredibly foolish. "Obviously. I'm not an idiot Danny. Of course I know. How else have we been able to do it?"
He glanced to the floor, tears beginning to slow. "Mummy and daddy never talked to me about those things 'too inappropriate for a child' they would say. But my body was no longer a child's body. I began to have urges...." his voice broke and trailed off for a moment. "I tried to educate myself, to understand what was going on with me. Everything I learned came from the classical texts."
I stared at him and my heart swelled with sorrow. I remembered receiving the talk from my parents and how confusing and hard it was to understand at first. I couldn't imagine trying to figure it out myself with just classical literature. Of course he would have been able to figure out sex. His instincts probably helped with that... but finding out about impregnation would be more difficult to piece together.
After a while I noticed he was just staring at me. He looked ashamed. "Was so confused when you told me Danny." Tears welled up once again in his hazel eyes.
"I can understand why you would have been confused, but that is no excuse for how you treated me."
His chests begins to heave in and out frantically as he begins to lightly sob again. "I'm so scared."
His words caught me off guard.
"This child is going to take you away from me. You are going to abandon me like everyone else."
His words froze me. "Why do you think that?" I asked, nervous that he somehow had read my mind when I was ready to leave just ten minutes before.
He hesitated before glancing into my eyes. "You are supposed to take care of me." He paused for a moment. "If you have this child, you will take care of it and not me."
His words sent up a little red flag in my mind. Why wouldn't I take care of him? He sounded like an only child who found out he is going to have a new brother. It made me nervous to think he still wanted me to care for him as if he were still a child.. or the doll. I thought we moved passed this..... I thought he had come to terms with being an adult. It made me start to question what I am to Brahms. His new mother? His girlfriend? A strange and twisted mix between the two? At this point I had no idea, and I was running out of time.
"Brahms, there is room in my heart to love more than one person. And I can take care of you both. And I would never...." the words suddenly got caught in my throat, but I quickly found a way to spit them out. "I would never leave you." It was a lie. I was determined to leave him when I woke up. How did things change so fast? I didn't have time to think about it. I needed to get to a hospital.
"I love you." I said, "and I love..." my throat tightened suddenly and tears welled in my eyes. "I love our child. And I need to protect them." The tears began to flow and I desperately tried to wipe them away. "I need to go to the hospital to see if they are okay".
My eyes were too blurry to see Brahm's reaction. I covered my eyes with my hands, trying to get a grip. Warm gentle arms encircled me and lifted me up. I felt... safe. I looked up to see Brahms had fresh tears in his eyes too.
"I love you too Danny."
And with that, he carried me to the bathroom and cleaned me up.