Wednesday, June 3rd, 2020
"Miss Hall?"
My parents were dumbfounded when I had woken up this morning and informed them I was going back to school.
They had told me I could have more time off, whilst they worked out what was going to happen. They weren't sure what the plan was yet, whether we'd stay in Bakley. But I didn't want to live like this anymore.
For the past six months, I had been hiding who I really was. Nix's death controlled me and I was done with being a passenger in my own life.
If people were going to stare, they had every right to. My brother was a murderer and I knew everyone would be sceptical about who I might be too. But let them stare. It wasn't going to stop me from getting an education.
"The answer is 3901, Miss Valenti," I respond.
Someone sniggers in the back row but I ignore it.
Harry wasn't here. I didn't know if that was better or worse. Probably better. He didn't have to see me. I didn't have to see him and wonder what he truly thought of me.
"That's quite enough," Miss Valenti warns the back row.
"What?" someone calls out. "She's the one who probably helped kill—"
"That's enough!" Miss Valenti shouts. The back row falls silent.
"I don't want to hear another word about what happened at school on Monday. It was not right to defame someone like that without them being able to speak up about it," she continues.
I felt overwhelmed and slightly in awe that she was defending me when she didn't need too.
"Now, open your textbooks to page 345. Do questions 1-6. I'll be checking," she warns, pointing around the room, her eyes glaring at everyone.
I go to open my textbook when Miss Valenti's heels click over to my desk. She waits until I look up at her, smiling at me.
"Could we have a word outside, Lonnie?"
"Oh, um—"
"I promise you aren't in trouble," she assures me.
I follow her outside the classroom, apprehensive as to what she might want. I lean against the wall, fiddling with my hands.
"Is everything alright?" I ask.
"That's what I want to ask you," she speaks. "I just wanted to check-in. I think it's very brave of you to be back here."
"I wouldn't say brave," I mutter. "But I'm tired of living in the shadows. It isn't a life when I'm always hiding."
"I just want you to know that not everyone is against you. People shouldn't blame you for what happened."
"Thanks for the concern but I don't think it's possible for people not to blame me. Especially after what just happened."
She sighs. "People are always going to judge before they bother learning the truth. But I want you to know that you have plenty of teachers here to back you up."
"Thanks, Miss Valenti."
"Why don't you take a minute, okay? Come back inside when you're ready."
I nod and she walks back inside, closing the door behind her.
I hadn't expected her support. It was nice, though. It made me realise that maybe the world wasn't really out to get me.
Lunch rolls around and my stomach fills with dread. I had nowhere to go. I hadn't seen any of my friends all day and even if I had, I couldn't sit with them. Not now. Probably never again.
I slowly place all my books back in my locker, taking as long as I could. Someone clears their throat behind me and I spin around.
"Didn't expect to see you back so soon."
Kennedy leans against the locker next to mine, watching me apprehensively.
"Hi, Kennedy," I whisper.
She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, looking down at the ground. "I wanted to talk to you but...I don't know where to start."
"I know," I mutter. "I'm sorry for everything."
She shrugs. "You only hurt me because you've been lying. But at least I wasn't the one who's cousin got—"
I flinch. "Guess I deserve that."
"I'm sorry," she mumbles. "I don't really know what to do here."
"I get it," I nod. I play with the ends of my hair, pretending to inspect it closely.
"Aubrey was suspended, by the way. For a week," Kennedy informs me.
"I guess that's why I haven't seen her today."
"She's a bitch for the way she went about it. You should have been given the choice to tell everyone."
I shake my head. "She's not a bitch. She's just hurt. Nix killed her brother."
"I guess you have a point," she mutters under her breath. "But she's still a bitch in my eyes."
She fiddles with the hair tie around her wrist, snapping it against her skin over and over.
"Harry told me how it all happened," she crosses her arms over her chest, looking down the hallway. "How you— you had to identify the body and everything. That's pretty fucked."
"In comparison to what Nix did, that was nothing," I say, leaning back against my locker.
"God. It's so weird. This whole time I thought you didn't have a brother and then when I find out you do, he turns out to be Liam's killer."
I flinch and she cringes, her eyes fluttering shut briefly. "Sorry. That was really insensitive. I seem to have lost my senses, actually. I just— I can't even begin to comprehend what all this means."
I close my eyes, trying to breathe in and out slowly. "I know. If it makes you feel any better, I feel like absolute shit. Thinking about Harry hurting, it just— it consumes me."
Her teary eyes land on mine. "Do you love him?"
"Yes," I answer instantly.
She nods, wiping her eyes. "He's really hurting right now. He hasn't been at school."
"I get why he's angry at me. I would—"
"Angry?" she gives me an exasperated look. "Lonnie, god. Do you know Harry at all? He's not angry at you."
"Oh."
"He's fucking torn. I've never seen him like this. He— he's killing himself over loving you. He's just sad."
"I'm sorry," I sob. I wipe my tears away sharply.
She goes to reach out for my arm but seems to think better of it. She looks down the hallway and I follow her gaze. Cooper is waiting by his locker for her, hands in his blazer. His face stays stoic as he looks out into the hallway.
"No one is angry, Lonnie. We are all just...disappointed. And sad that this happened."
I sniff, holding back more tears. "We all just need time to wrap our heads around this new development. It changes everything."
I nod, wiping my eyes. "Tell Harry that I'm sorry."
"He knows," she says. "But I think you should make sure to give him some space. If you think about texting him, don't. Just...avoid him as much as you can. I know it'll be hard at school but I think it's best if you just give him the space he needs."
I don't tell her that it was unlikely that I would graduate at this school. I could tell my parents were becoming agitated. Sooner or later I was sure they'd want to pack up and move again, escaping this town.
"Of course," I reassure her.
"See you around, London."
London. I couldn't remember a time when she ever called me that.
It looks like she wants to say more but instead, she walks off towards Cooper. I watch as he embraces her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and kissing her hair.
I was glad they all had each other to rely on. That was something I always admired about them.
Despite everything that had happened, I was glad that I had known them for a short while. All I wanted was the best for them.
I loved them all and I'd love them no matter what happened between us.