Waking up feels more like rising from the dead. After Stanton brought me in last night, we stayed up talking a little longer. Knowing I needed time before I could do any sharing about my life, Stanton caught me up on his. He finished undergrad at Tulane at the top of his class, and got accepted into their Law School, which he is now a year into. He totally loves it, and he definitely gets that from our father. His current boyfriend, Dave, has yet to be introduced to any family members because Stanton still hasn't told mom and dad he is gay. Normally, I would have said something about sticking up for himself and who he loves and whatnot, but my two years of running away from my own issues made me uncertified to pass judgment. Dave sounds great, and I told Stanton I want to meet him before I leave. He also talked about how Hope seems to be hiding a relationship from the family, but none of our other family members seem to realize this. I told him I also suspected that she had a secret someone, and we both decided we would crack her together.
In all of this talking, there was, of course, more drinking. Between the sugary multitude of drinks, very little food, and the emotional spillover, my head is pounding harder than ever. I sleep in just a t-shirt and underwear, so I throw on a pair of loose shorts before I go in pursuit of coffee. The magical aroma of the world's best beverage seems to be coming from the breakfast nook right off the kitchen. Dad and Hope are the only ones in here at the moment. Dad has his newspaper open and a half-eaten bagel on the plate in front of him. Hope has, what looks like, some work folders in front of her. Those two have always been the early birds, and Hope has always used these early quiet hours as bonus work time. Charlie comes sauntering in behind me, no doubt hoping I'll feed him table food again.
"Well, well, look who has become an early bird." Dad teases me while barely glancing up from his paper. I smile at him, and then pour myself some coffee. I put only a spoonful of honey in my coffee and stir. "Would you like some food?" Dad gestures to the spread of bagels and pastries on the center of the table.
"Not right now, thank you." I take a sip from my mug and let out a little sigh. "Coffee is as good as ever, Dad." He lifts his own mug in a gesture of cheers and takes a sip. I sit and sip while I look out the window across from me; our yard is fairly open and expansive, while bordering a small bayou surrounded by forest. Some squirrels are running around, almost as if in a choreographed dance. We have one magnolia tree in the backyard, but it is not yet in bloom. Memories fill my mind of Hope, Stanton and I running around out there without a care in the world; well maybe a few youthful cares, but none too daunting.
"Ah Rick, how were your sleeping arrangements?" I stiffen at his name, but I don't break my gaze from the window. Did I know he was staying here? I guess it makes sense due to how much he drank and his place being on the other side of town. Still, was it a one-time thing, or will he be here for the duration? Did he mention it last night and I just forgot?
"Very nice, thanks Tom." He takes the seat directly across from me, and I divert my eyes down to my half-empty mug. "Good morning Hope. Good morning Harper." Hope finally lifts her head from the spreadsheets in front her.
"Oh, good morning Rick. Harper, I didn't hear you come in." I laugh and shake my head at Hope.
"No, you were too far deep into the work zone." She sticks her tongue out at me, and I make a face back at her. Then she looks from Derrick to me, and abruptly shuts her work folders.
"So Rick, didn't you have Harper in one of your classes at school?" I can tell Hope is up to something, but I decide to feign ignorance.
"Yes, actually she was in two. I guess I was doing something right." We shoot brief glances at each other. I take an extremely long sip of my coffee trying to avoid this conversation. Thankfully, Dad is too engrossed in his paper to remember that other people are even at the table.
"You were a good teacher. Many students wanted to take more of your classes. My major just happened to coincide with what you were teaching." I look up at him from under my lashes, and then over to Hope. She's holding her coffee mug halfway toward her mouth, and I almost wish I knew what she was thinking. I give her a half-hearted smile before downing the rest of my coffee. Derrick doesn't say much else either as he loads his plate with fruit and a pastry.
"Harper, can I show you something in my room? It is something our office is working on that I believe you would be very interested in." She stands and leaves the room before I can give an answer. Great, Hope's nose for gossip has definitely sniffed out Derrick and me. We were together for almost two years and nothing then; what great timing. Okay, time to play it cool.
"I guess I will be right back." I reach for the coffee at the same time as Derrick. "Oh sorry." I blush so deeply I can feel the heat radiating from my face.
"Please, ladies first." I refill my coffee, then hand the carafe to him. I give him a small smile and turn away from him. I don't know why I do, but I don't have time to dwell on that right now. I meet Hope in her bedroom, and she immediately shuts the door behind me.
"You and Rick? That's like a fifteen-year age difference! I mean, well, you and Rick?" I cannot tell if her tone is conveying more excitement or fury. "When? How? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Woah, slow down. Me and Derrick? Where are you picking that up from?" I put my hands up in front of me as if that will actually get her to pump the brakes.
"Oh please, don't play these games with me. It's me! Plus, it is written all over both of your faces. You just referred to him as Derrick instead of Rick. If y'all don't want people to know, then you should really hide it better." I move to sit on the loveseat in the corner of her room. She moves to sit next to me, but obviously is unsure about how to further interact. She takes a deep breath before whispering, "Is he why you left?" I feel a sharp pain in my side, and I know this is simply an emotional side effect of broken heartedness.
"Why I left, that is a whole complicated story on its own." I pause and look down at my hands, which are gripping my coffee so tightly my knuckles turn white. "But if you want the truth," I look up at Hope who is looking so intensely back at me, I almost start crying again. "Derrick and I, well, we were together for about a year and a half. We were in love. Life was happening though, and things change. We broke up right before I left the country." I shrug my shoulders and take a few sips of my coffee. I think back on what might have been, but only for a moment. I cannot change the past; therefore, I should not live in the past.
"You know you're both still in love. Why didn't things work out? Are y'all getting back together? I wonder what Dad would have to say about all this. Why didn't you say something to me about it all back then?" Hope spews every statement and question out so fast, as if she doesn't know which is the most important to say or ask. She places a hand on my knee and squeezes.
"So, Laney, anyone special in your life?" Hope asks with a wicked grin over her martini glass. I laugh lightly shaking my head.
"No Hope," I lie through my smile. I want to tell her about Derrick, but everything is still so new. "I promise, you'll be the first to know if anything changes."
"Oh Laney, don't be like me in college," Hope sighs as she stirs the olive in her glass. "I was so focused on finishing school; I feel like I turned down so many opportunities to live a fun life." Sadness clouds her eyes, but only for a moment. "Although, there was Ethan."
"Oh, we all remember Ethan," I roll my eyes jokingly.
"Hey!" Hope sits up a little straighter looking almost frustrated, but still quite giggly. "What was wrong with Ethan?"
"He was so boring! Talk about missing out on life," I roll my eyes again as she slaps my arm. "Why not find someone fun and full of life here and now, Hope?" I glance around the room pointing out a few attractive guys.
"Oh please. If I didn't have time with my studies a couple years ago, I certainly don't have the time now. I want to get my MBA already, and then I can start living a full life!"
"Oh please," I scoff. "You'll get your MBA, then get wrapped up in whatever business you decide to dedicate your life to, and then we'll meet back in this bar forty years after that talking about how you forgot to live your life."
"Alright, I get your point. No need to be so dramatic about it." She pauses, taking another delicate sip of her martini. "There is this guy that hangs out at Starbucks almost as frequently as I do, and there was serious eye contact over our laptops."
"Let me guess, whatever was on your laptop was more important." I smile behind my Manhattan.
"I'm sorry I take my studies so seriously," Hope declares.
"Hey, you're the one with the complaints," I throw my hands up in surrender. "So perhaps you should be apologizing to you."
"Yeah, yeah, well watch out. This might be you in couple years too," she smiles widely as she points to herself. If things work out the way I hope with Derrick and I, then I highly doubt it.
"Hope, you were busy with working on your MBA, and I wasn't sure if Derrick and I would work. And with Derrick being like a little brother to dad," I pause as she nods, knowing how messy our situation could have been, "we weren't sure how everyone would react. I didn't realize he would be here though." I take another couple sips from my coffee as we sit in silence. "Please, don't worry about any of this though. Derrick and I will try to be normal while I am here, which isn't for super long anyway." I take a few more sips and then stand up. "Derrick and I, we are in the past." I pace around her room a little. Those are the words I used to tell myself when I would feel the sadness or loneliness bubbling. "Even he moved on to that Katy girl." Suddenly I have a little bit of anger replacing what was sadness. I don't even know who this Katy is, or how they met, or how long they were together. Even after what he eluded to last night about it never really being right, he also said he wanted it to be. He wanted her, but his stupid heart is stuck on me. I'm not a choice, I'm a curse.
"But he broke up with Katy. He broke up with Katy and hasn't dated anyone else since because he is still in love with you." Hope looks at me imploringly. I finish my coffee instead of answering. How soon after I left did he move on to this Katy anyway? How long were they together? She must have been pretty significant for Hope to have known about her. Why is this making me so crazy? "Laney, why did y'all break-up?"
"My name isn't Laney anymore. I know I said I didn't really care last night, but I was just trying to keep the peace." I blink back tears, so many emotions wanting to break free of the little cages I shoved them all in. I have spent so much time running from my past, starting over, and now all of that has just gone to shit.
"I am sorry. Harper," she pauses after using my preferred name, "please, I am your sister. Talk to me." I can see Hope is trying her hardest. She wants to be the big sister still, but this isn't one of those things she can really help me with. I open the door to her room.
"I am out of coffee, and there is no more to discuss. I would appreciate your discretion." I make my way back to the breakfast nook. Mom and Stanton now join Derrick in there, Dad seems to have left.
"Harper," Mom greets me with my preferred name and less callousness than last night.
"Good morning mom. Good morning Stanton. I just came to refill my coffee." I put a half spoonful of honey in this time and refill my mug to almost the brim with coffee.
"Your father went to the office because there were some things that couldn't be put off any longer. We are all going next door to visit with Pawpaw this afternoon. His nurse called and said he seems to be having a good day, so we should take advantage." Mom is not looking at me as she speaks, but rather is swiping and typing on her tablet. Lord only knows what she is working on.
"Um, I was going to go take a bath and then head over there now. I mean, I was also planning on staying over there most of the day." Mom looks up at this as if I suddenly began talking in a foreign language. "I just, you know, figured since he was who I came home for, good memory day or not."
"No." She snaps at me and then pours herself another cup of coffee.
"What do you mean 'no'?" I set my coffee down and stare her down.
"Harper, please, just -"
"This is a family discussion, Rick. Therefore, none of your concern." I stare at him with all the anger I feel toward both him and my mom. Hope gasps from the doorway, and Stanton scoots away from the table.
"Harper, both you and Rick are guests in my home. Both you and Rick are family, and while you are blood, Rick's roots run much deeper. So, I would apologize to him, and then perhaps go take that bath. You are obviously hungover, and it may even be in your best interest to wait and see Pawpaw until tomorrow if this is your behavior." Mom gives me an icy stare, and no one else in the room dares move.
I take a shallow breath before speaking, but do not remove my gaze from my mother's. "Sorry Rick. I hope you enjoy this family. It's very clear that you are the welcome guest in this household. I will make myself invisible to you all for the rest of my stay. Excuse me, I need to get cleaned up before I see my grandfather. And yes, I will go see my grandfather." I take my coffee from the table, and swiftly make my way to my room. As I slam the door all my iciness melts away, and suddenly I feel quite numb. I sit on my bed replaying that whole conversation in my head. I don't know why I said that to Derrick. I don't know why I'm so snappy. I don't know why my mother has so much contempt toward me right now. Maybe I am too hungover to deal with people. Pawpaw is not people though. I just want to be over there.
The thought barely crosses my mind before I begin taking action. With my favorite playlist blaring, I make my bed and clean up after myself. I repack all my belongings so that I am ready to move next door. I run the water for the bath, and steam immediately fills the whole bathroom. I strip down and put all my worn clothes in my laundry bag. I step into the hot water, and slowly sink down, chills covering the entirety of my skin until all but my head is completely submerged in the hot water. I feel the hangover slowly leave my body, as well as all the built-up tensions. With my eyes closed and the music on full volume, I am able to sink into bliss. I wash up, drain the tub, and wrap my body in a fluffy towel. I grab the slightly smaller towel to dry my hair; I make quick work of brushing the knots out of my half-dried hair before walking back into my room.
Dang it! I packed everything. I bend over to open and look through my biggest bag when I hear a knock and the door open. I panic, trying to stand and better cover myself, but I trip on one of my other bags and fall right into Derrick's arms.
"Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" I ask looking him over making sure I haven't stepped on him or kicked him or anything. He closes my door with his foot but doesn't let me go.
"Um, yes, but your towel..." I realize my towel is on the floor, and Derrick is holding my naked body. I am mortified, but I look up at him as he is suppressing a laugh. Hitting him, I quickly grab my towel to cover myself.
"I am so glad you find my embarrassing moments so damn amusing," I spit out. He is still smiling but holds his hands up in a surrender.
"Listen, I came in here to apologize about last night. And to apologize for breakfast. And I suppose now I will apologize for just barging in." He is still smiling, almost smugly. It is impossible for me not to return a smile. I even giggle a little.
"It's okay. I am also sorry. I didn't realize you would be here, and it's just not easy. But I am going to move over to Pawpaw's for the duration of my stay, so no worries." I gesture to my packed bags as if to prove a point.
"What? No, please don't do that. Especially not because of me." I look away from his pained face because it only causes a little extra pain with me. I know he didn't ask for this awkward situation either.
"It's not just because of you and me. My family, they just don't, well it's complicated." I look at my bags on the floor before continuing. "This is just going to be best I think." I hold my towel to my body tightly and look anywhere but at Derrick.
"Listen, screw what you think might be best for all this damn drama. Be here. Believe it or not, you are going to need each other through all of this." He pauses looking off into the distance, and I know he is momentarily lost in his own past. "You can still go over to see your Pawpaw, just be here too." Derrick seems to be very aware of himself today, I notice as he goes to take a step forward but stops himself from doing so. "I know we are no longer what we once were, but I am always here for you." He looks at me with so much care, and I want nothing more than to run into his arms in this moment.
"Derrick," I barely am able to say his name. My heart is pounding so loud, I swear he can probably hear it. In two steps, he is mere inches from me. We breathe each other in, both being very careful.
"Dammit Harper, when you say my name like that," he places a hand on my cheek, and my eyes flutter close.
"I know," I manage to say. "I'm so sorry." I place my hand over the one he has on my face. "I'm so sorry for how I hurt you. I abandoned you." I remove his hand from my cheek and hold it with both of my hands. "What I did, well, there is a lot I need to share with you. I just don't think I can yet." Derrick leans in and very gently, slowly kisses my forehead.
"Honestly, I am afraid to hear it. After all this time, I have had every scenario possible run through my mind." He takes a step back from me, "The one scenario that scared me most of all was that you didn't love me. It was also the one I forced myself to believe so that I could move on." I cross my arms over my chest.
"And move on you did. You had Katy. How long after the fact?" I ask him sternly, although I have no real right to be as upset as I am.
"Hey, you were gone. No rhyme, no reason, just that you had to go. You told me I would be better off moving on. So, I did, or at least I tried." He sits on the edge of my bed and just looks down at the floor. I hesitate, but also take a seat on my bed. "I met Katy a month after you left, but I didn't start dating her until two months after that." He looks directly at me, and I can't look away. I need to hear this; it may even help me put distance between us. "I was holding onto false hope that you would come back. That we just had issues we needed to sort through, and you would realize that and return. You didn't though." He takes a deep breath and turns away from me before continuing. "So, I took your advice and decided to move on. I ran into Katy at a party, and I decided to ask her out. She is lovely. Had you never been in the picture, I might have asked her to marry me." He returns his attention to me, and I can feel my heart quicken. I also feel a pang of jealousy toward this other woman that he had a potential future with, which also causes me to feel a stabbing of guilt for ruining his potential for future happiness.
"But I was no longer in the picture. If you saw such a bright possible future with this woman, why didn't you just marry her?" I try to not sound too passive aggressive, but to no avail.
"Because," Derrick looks away from me, and I can see the blush crawling onto his face, even behind his scruff. "Every time I tried to picture a future with Katy, the only woman I could ever envision was you." He runs a hand through his hair, and I suddenly have the urge to do the same. Resist Harper, resist. "I have only ever loved you. You leaving did not just make my feelings stop, it simply made me question what all of our time spent together meant to you." He slowly turns and leans in toward me, "And after last night's kiss," his face is nearly touching mine, "I am still wondering." My breathing is shallow as I look from his eyes to his mouth, then back to his eyes. The smell of his body wash is intoxicatingly hypnotizing, and suddenly my mouth finds his again.
Our lips press against each other, hungry for one another. I part my lips allowing his tongue to slide into my mouth; his hands move from my face slowly down my body. I move one hand into his hair, while the other grips his arm tightly. His arms wrap around me, and I feel myself melting into him.
The moment is quickly over when I hear a knock on my bedroom door. Derrick and I scramble to our feet as I hear my mom on the other side of the door.
"Harper, can I have a moment?" I mouth to Derrick to go hide in the bathroom, while also gesturing in that direction. He nods and moves stealthily in there as Mom keeps talking. "Harper please, it will only be a moment."
"What's up Mom?" I ask as I open my bedroom door still wrapped in a towel.
"Harper," Mom looks me up and down before continuing, "I'm sorry to disturb you. Can I come in?" I step out of the way, and she takes two steps past me. My heart races as I think about Derrick hiding out in my bathroom. "Harper, I wanted to apologize."
"Apologize?" I look through my suitcases for clothes to wear for the day while I engage in conversation with mom.
"Yes Harper, apologize." Mom stands near the threshold of my room while she talks. "This is a very emotional time, and you being here caught me off guard."
I pause and shoot a cold look at her as I exclaim, "Off guard? Pawpaw is and has always been the most important person in my life. Despite anything myself or this family has or hasn't done, you should have always known, expected me to come back for him." I cross my arms across my chest, which probably comes off as a childish form of showing I'm annoyed. In reality, I do it as a way of protecting my walls.
"Well, maybe I should have expected it, but I didn't. How could I have known? I haven't even heard from you or had any way of contacting you. Your emails ceased months ago, and you cancelled your old cell number! Not only that, but I wasn't prepared for just how much you have changed." Mom looks down at her hands, not being able to look at me as she speaks. "Harper, I just, I have missed you, but I also don't know how to talk to you anymore." I look up at Mom while holding half an outfit in hand. "Anyway, I am going to try to be less snide. I need to keep my emotions in check, and that may just mean that I need to spend less time around you." We both look away from each other before she continues, "At least until I am a little more ready." I feel like I have just received a swift kick to the gut. My mom wants to spend as little time as possible around me, which seems ideal for my situation, but it still hurts. Actually, it hurts more than I thought it would.
"That's fine Mom." I begin to slide my red lace underwear up my legs under my towel. "I will make sure to give you your space." Mom looks up at me with a pained look, and I have to force myself to look away. This is better; she won't be ready to get close to me by the time I'm off again, making it easier on us both. I will try to remain nice but aloof, making it easier for to keep her distance.
"Thank you, Harper." Mom turns and walks toward the door but stops just as she reaches for the doorknob.
I hesitate before asking, "Was there something else mom?" She stays silent for a beat, and I can hear my heart pounding. For a moment, I am terrified she knows Derrick is just in the other room.
"Harper, you are my daughter, nothing will ever change that." She turns her head slightly over her shoulder so that I can just see her profile. "No matter what you think, no matter what you hide, no matter what you have done, I will always love you." She fully faces the door again before continuing, "I know I don't always show it, but I hope you never forget it." She exits my room before I have the chance to respond. Even if I had had the chance, I have no clue what to say now. I am just so racked with guilt at all of this.
"You okay?" I jump at the sound of his voice, even though his voice is barely audible. I momentarily forgot he was in here. I allowed him back in, I kissed him. I am supposed to be keeping a steady distance between myself and everyone. At the same time, I can feel myself being pulled into the magnetism that has seemed to have only grown stronger. Am I okay? The answer is no, I am as far from okay as I have ever been. These thoughts all pass through my mind in a singular moment, and mixed with his question, I am once again an emotional heap.
I crumble, falling to my knees, burying my face in my hands, sobbing once again. "No, no I'm not." I manage to choke out between sobs. I feel his arms around me, and I turn and bury my face in his chest. I can feel myself on the edge of hyperventilation, but Derrick's hand rubbing against my back keeps me from being pushed over the edge. He doesn't say anything for a few minutes, just letting me collect myself slowly. When my breathing finally begins to return to normal, and my sobs calm down to mere sniffles, Derrick moves away just slightly from me.
"Harper, talk to me." He pushes the hair from my face as he almost begs, "Please let me in." He begins to wipe the remaining tears from my cheeks.
My eyes still are watered over, but I look into his eyes from under my lashes. "I know I need to, but I am afraid to." I sniffle and stare at his chest instead; I find I can focus better when I am not looking directly into someone's eyes. "I am harboring so much guilt right now. Guilt for abandoning you without giving you the full story. Guilt for leaving my family without explanation. Guilt for leaving Pawpaw, the one man who believed in me more than anyone in the world." I can feel myself starting to hyperventilate, only this time I can't stop myself. The memories try flooding the blockade I put up so long ago.
"You can let it out. I am here for you Harper." He runs his fingers through my hair, and I can feel my heart begin to relax in him, like always. Only, it's all different now, and while he deserves to know, someone else needs to hear it first.
I push away from his chest wiping my tears, regaining a minor control of the barricades around my heart. "I should get dressed." I move to stand up and he does as well. I begin putting on the rest of my clothes for the day, and Derrick moves to sit on the foot of the bed.
"It kills me you know." I pause for only a moment to look at him, and my heart immediately pulls toward him. I keep moving though. "Not knowing what happened. Not knowing what's still happening. Not knowing why you can almost open up to me and then out of nowhere, you just shut down." He runs a hand through his hair, which is what he does when he is nervous or frustrated. "I knew, I knew the minute I saw you again, we're not over. Only, you never used to shut down on me. I was someone you let in with such ease." He looks right into my eyes, only this time I cannot look away. "But I can't keep chasing you. I don't want to push and push, only to come so close and then have you put up all of your walls again." He breaks our eye contact, and I feel a silent, hot tear escape down my cheek. "It's too exhausting, and not fair to either of us. So, I'm going to back off. I will leave you alone." He stands up slowly and moves to the door. I want to say so much, but every word gets caught in my throat. I want to run after him, wrap myself right back into his arms, instead I am frozen in place. "I want you to know that I have never stopped loving you." He just looks at the door, just like my mother. Both unable to look me in the eye any longer after I fail to show any kind of emotion. "You're the only woman I have ever been able to picture a future with, one I want to have. So, I will wait, but I beg you," he opens the door as he whispers these last words to me, "don't make me wait too long." And with that he leaves.
I fall to the ground and weep. There was such an easy path to follow once upon a time; sure, some steps were scary enough, but I was always sure I was taking the right ones. When it came to Derrick, from the very beginning, I was always so sure he was the one. It would not make sense to so many, including the family, but it made sense to us. But I was young, and he was not without a history. Sometimes we fought, not often, but when we did, they were not small fights. In the end, we always came back to each other, we were always on the side of us. We knew we could get through anything together. Until that fateful day, that led me down the street of doubt, littered with regret and self-loathing. I couldn't bring myself to face Derrick. I couldn't bring myself to face anyone. I wallowed in self-pity and anger. I quickly built up walls around my head and heart, not even allowing outsiders' logic to penetrate the punishments I was bestowing on myself. I dropped out of school because I no longer felt like it was a place I was safe to learn. And I reminded myself every night all that I had done, so I would never forget why I was punishing myself. Then I called Pawpaw, explaining to him that I needed the proper time and space away. I knew who I was in a certain regard, but in other ways I needed to really push myself. He knew. He knew there was something more, but I just couldn't bring myself to think about it, much less voice it aloud.
I need to go over there. If he is having a good day and his days are limited, he needs to know I'm here. I'm here for him. I should have been here for him for the past two years. I guess it is as they say, Millennials are the "it's all about me" generation. I grab my purse which has the same seven things I have been carrying in it for the past two years: phone, wallet, passport, lip balm, cigarette case, lighter and a letter. I wrote the letter before I left, and I tried giving it to Pawpaw then. Of course, I chickened out. Then before I moved to anywhere new, I would go to the local post to mail it. Instead, I would get to the post office and merely buy one new postcard. Every postcard I bought is now a simple tally of how selfish and scared I am. No more excuses or letting my inner demons win. It is now or never.