My thoughts were running in circles about what we could cook for dinner that was simple, good, and wouldn't take forever, and would also provide a decent meal.
It was impossible!
I left my flat and went up to him just a few minutes past twelve.
He better be waiting on the sidewalk before his building now I'd slept like crap because he came and slept with his head in my lap and confused me.
I moved through the city and people fast.
Jazz was waiting on the sidewalk when I arrived.
I slowed and went to him.
"Morning, miss," he said.
I smiled. "Will Alexander be down?" I asked.
He nodded. "Shortly."
"Okay," I said and people watched. There were always people to watch on Manhattan.
I could keep up silence, but when I was around Jazz, I had this feeling that I ought to say something. The few times I'd been in the same room as him, he'd kept in the background and hadn't said a word, so I bet it would be awkward if I tried to have a conversation.
So I kept quiet and didn't speak.
Alexander arrived a moment later. He sent Jazz back and looked at me.
"Did you sleep well?" I asked.
He looked out at the park before us. "I slept fine," he said and put his hands in his jacket pockets.
I watched the park too. "Okay."
"Shall we?" He asked and started walking.
I smiled and started running to keep up. "My legs aren't as long as yours," I said. "And you can't ask a question and then just decide I'll answer what it is you want me to answer."
His eyebrows dived down to shadow his blue eyes. "The question was there."
My smile broadened. "I need a chance to actually answer it before it means something."
He looked at me. "I can't change everything about myself, Christina," he said quietly. It sounded like he was reprimanding me.
"I know," I said. "But that you give other people the choice is not changing who you are."
He led us through Central Park. "Yes," he said quietly. "I've always been the way I am."
"You can just keep bossing me around," I said. "I won't promise I won't keep on coming. Do you think it's so weird that I don't like it?"
"I've got issues," he snapped.
"Are you your issues, or do you have issues?" I asked quietly.
He stopped abruptly. "I have issues," he said. "I do what I can not to let them affect me."
"Until you're not longer demanding what I do, now I don't work for you, I believe you," I said.
His eyebrows dived down.
"I like spending time with you," I said, honestly. "And I do see you as a friend. But it's difficult to mean it one hundred percent when you sometimes state something that is not to be discussed. Sometimes I don't agree and I don't just want to say 'yes sir'."
He had fisted his hands in his pockets.
This I wouldn't have guessed we would argue about.
Alexander took a step closer to me. "I can't change that part of me," he said quietly.
"Mostly you're doing great," I said.
"Mostly?" He asked. "Is it fine that I'm constantly thinking about how I say things because I know you'll tell me if I say it in a way you'll find demanding?"
"How else will you describe the word 'come'?" I asked. "It's said as a statement, and I'm seconds from standing just because you say it."
"It's not my intention to control you," he snapped
"What did Cecilia mean when she told me to break up with you before you got too controlling?" I asked.
He took several deep breaths. "I was jealous. Insanely jealous. And possessive in an unhealthy way," he said, his voice dangerously low. "That was controlling. Yes, I regret it, I'm working on it, but the things I say to you? It's not meant because I want to control you or don't trust you. It's the way I am."
"Hypothetically," I said. "If we were together? Wouldn't you trust me?"
That one hit him like a boomerang to the face. His eyebrows dived down, putting his eyes in shadows.
"You wouldn't trust me," I stated quietly. "Why?" I asked gently.
"I don't know how to do that," he said.
Talk about a bucket of cold water to the face.
He loosened his fisted hands in his pockets. "I'm working on it, Christina," he said quietly. "And I'm really trying. But it was a constant in my head, every time we were together, I was worried she'd leave."
"A relationship only works if both parties trust one another," I said quietly.
He looked past me. "I've told you I've got issues," he muttered.
Obviously. Even in my wildest imagination I hadn't imagined it would hit me this way. That he couldn't be in a relationship because he didn't fully trust his partner. That...
I had had a boyfriend once, and I had been a little jealous if he'd given another girl a lot of attention. But I'd trusted him. It made it possible for me to have a great time with my girlfriends, while he had a great time with his friends. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have been able to let him go out with his friends, because I'd fear he'd find someone he'd love more than he loved me?
"So, when you were in a relationship with Cecilia, was she able to do anything if you weren't there?" I asked.
"Yes!" Alexander snapped. "I am jealous and possessive but I'm not a fucking asshole."
"No reason to be mad," I said quietly.
"I was having troubles with it."
"So much trouble that she stopped going out?"
He looked at me like his self-esteem about this topic was very low. Or, he just didn't look like he enjoyed this... this way of being.
I had a sick want to hug him.
Before I had the chance to decide whether or not to do so, he turned on his heel and left.
I watched him go.
He wasn't running, but he was walking fast out of the park and disappeared from my line of vision.
I was well aware that what he was struggling with was psychological. I wasn't a complete idiot. I also knew that psychological things weren't curable, like you could cure a broken leg with a cast. But I still wanted to be his friend, I wanted to be a friend in a way where he would believe someone actually cared for him.
That was a strange feeling I was left with.
What had even happened?
We had talked, I'd mentioned he couldn't ask me a question and then just assume I'd answer what he wanted me to answer.
And then what happened?
I rubbed my face in my hands.
Hesitant, as if my feet were still securely planted on the ground, I walked out the park the same way Alexander had led when we entered.
What to do now? Did I go to his apartment? Or did I go home?
I pulled my phone from my pocket when I was standing before his building.
Stay away
That was two words. No names. No symbols. Just. Nothing.
From Alexander.
I would show him I would stay but I wasn't sure if I actually could. It was this kind of crappy books where the protagonist was so filled with doubt that she didn't do anything. I'd read way too much to let go of reality.
Especially after mom died. Before that, books were just a way to relax.
I didn't want to be the protagonist that gave up because it was hard. But on the other side, I didn't want to invest everything in him if I couldn't open up to him.
And it wasn't a weakness that I couldn't open up towards him. Mom was just... she meant far more than I was, in any way, able to say, and her death was something I found tricky to talk about.
I was working on it.
Hard.
But that didn't mean I couldn't do it now. I couldn't open up for him now if he didn't want to see me. And I couldn't let him in if I didn't dare to actually let him in. It was a very unaccustomed feeling not knowing what I wanted to do. What I could do.
I looked to both sides before I went home.
I wanted to talk to Dad, but I wouldn't call, and I didn't want to share this over Skype.
My flat seemed too big when I came back home.
I'd never figured out what I'd cook for dinner with Alexander anyways, and it probably didn't matter now anyways. Or something like that.
I dropped into my couch and stared at the TV. My reflection stared back at me in the sleek, black screen.
I spent my weekend reading up for those final examinations for those classes I attended. I reread everything a million times because I kept thinking about Alexander. It felt like my mind was on a loop.
Why had he gotten under my skin like that?
I went to work Monday morning in a bad mood.
Guess who was speculating all night without sleeping? Yup. Me.
I stepped into the elevator and rode it to the ninth floor, went to my desk and sat down before my computer. I was a full twenty minutes early.
Trisha arrived ten minutes later.
"Morning," she said.
I smiled at her. That was the best I could muster at the moment.
She went into her office.
"Hey, Christina? Do you have a minute?" she asked.
I stood, wearing flats, and went into Trisha's office.
She was in the process of turning on her computer while she was cleaning the papers on her desk.
"Yes?" I asked.
"Uhm, Greene has asked for a meeting today," she said. "He sent the mail last week, but I hadn't read it properly. It's the two of use, Court and maybe Juan, now the four of us have worked on that advertisement. Juan might not go because he's busy doing something else we can't risk either. I emailed him yesterday and he declined to go." Trisha said.
"Meeting when?" I asked.
"Nine," she said. "So we've got a solid hour before we have to up there."
I nodded slowly. "What's the meeting supposed to be about?" I asked, equally slow.
She smiled and looked at me, really looked at me with her dark eyes. "That app? It was a test, he hasn't actually developed it. He's apparently so perfectionistic that he wants to ensure we could bring him a satisfying result before he wants to use us. The product he needs an advertisement for is some computer stuff, and he wants to brainstorm it with us so we're all clear on what the expectations are."
I nodded. "Great," I said. Control freakery gone crazy.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I nodded. "It won't affect my work, I promise you, but I had an argument with Alexander Saturday afternoon," I said. It was still unresolved.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.
"No," I said and shook my head lightly. "I just want to think it through before I do anything."
She smiled. "Sure?"
I nodded. "If I'm complete lost I'll just bake a giant cake for Saturday."
She laughed. "Okay, we'll leave five to nine."
"Got it," I said and went back to my desk. There were a few minor projects to follow up.
Five to nine I walked with Courtney and Trisha to the elevators.
I wore heels. We all did. As Trisha said, it was a good first impression to make. On the other side, she'd also told me she was starting to sit, in her office, without heels because it was more comfortable.
We rode the elevator in silence.
Trisha had a tablet in her hands.
I had my tablet in my hand, and Courtney kept checking the time on hers all the way up.
The receptionist led us to a conference room.
Alexander was at the head of the table. On each side of him was a person. A woman on one side. She had brown hair in a tight bun, glasses and wore a suit jacket. Something about her didn't invite to disagreements. On the other side of Alexander was a man who had to be fifty plus. His hair was gray, he had dancing brown eyes and he was smiling.
"Ladies," Alexander said. "Please, sit down."
Trisha sat between Courtney and I. She was the boss, after all.
Alexander wasn't looking at me, not that I did anything to catch his attention. I didn't do anything. But I was way too attuned to where he was looking, what he was doing, even though I knew I shouldn't.
I led Trisha run this.
She let Courtney and I take notes, and she discussed the details with Greene and the two others.
He was Greene when he was in his element. Alexander, that is. Something about his attitude and tone of voice just cemented that he was a leader. To call him Alexander here would be insulting.