I turned the blue scissors in my grip from side to side, as if the logic of what I was about to do was etched on its surface. DON'T DO IT! - part of me screamed. YASS BITCH JUST DO IT - the other part yelled louder. Trembling, my hand guided the glinting metal all the way up until it was just above my neck.
Snap. A lengthy black lock of curly hair plummeted to the bathroom floor. "Holy shit," I muttered at my gawking reflection. "This is a really shitty coping mechanism. I love it."
Snap, snap, snap.
-
"How's it going with the dance? Isn't it tomorrow?" Bapi asked, plopping down on my bed and taking a bite of the samosa Khammi had brought yesterday. Reeking of Old Spice, he had evidently tried his best to clean up for his first day at work after 9 days.
"Don't worry, I haven't messed up any more," I muttered. As I cracked my knuckles, the crunches sounded thunderous in the autumn silence.
"No, I mean, who're you going with?" He finished off the samosa without a hint of gusto and discretely tried to wipe his hands on the hem of my bedsheet.
"Wait, you'll let me go?" I asked dubiously, slapping his hand away from the material. Bapi gave me a wry smile, clicking his Alpine Swiss briefcase open. "I didn't want to give you this at first because I thought you'd, you know, get emotional. But Saroor had these stowed away inside her cupboard for you. I think it's the birthday tradition thing you guys have."
Taking the two bottles of perfume from Bapi, I turned them around in my hand. Capri Lemon Leaves and Velvet Petals. A scrap of stenciled paper was tied to the Velvet Petals with a bright orange silk ribbon. I grabbed my glasses from the desk and perched them atop my nose, and the muddled scribbles became clearer.
Overly sentimental handwritten letters were always your Bapi's thing, never mine, but I'll attempt one anyway.
You must be wondering, why two perfumes? Think of the extra one as an apology. This year, I've been unnecessarily hard on you, simply because you're growing up. It's very typical of me, I know, but you didn't deserve this. I'm sorry, Adi.
You know, sometimes, I stare at you and wonder if I'm the wiser one or you. If I have to wonder so, there's no reason why I shouldn't trust your judgement. It's just the twisted world that I don't trust. Nevertheless, you have to test those waters on your own. (did I use that right?)
You're growing up, you're supposed to date guys. It's like chemistry experiments - nothing beats the trial and error method. How do you think I ended up with a sweetheart like your Bapi?
Don't let anybody tell you how to live if your heart wants otherwise. It's your life, live it. That being said, go buy yourself some pencil heels ;)
Bapi interrupted me while I was going through the note again, gaze becoming misty with tears. "You deserve to take a break, it's been hard enough as it is. And look - your mother, she's just scared because you're growing up so fast. I am, too, that you'll get married and stop being my princess," at this point, he nearly teared up, but carefully gained control of his trembling voice. "But I can't just stop you from living your life."
Hugging him around the torso, I smiled, finally allowing a tear to cascade down my cheek. "You know, you guys are pretty cool parents."
-
The art supplies in my teal Nike bag weighed down on my shoulders as I trudged through the deserted corridor, the silence on the brink of being creepy until Art's familiar laughter echoed into the hallway.
"I wish I could figure out something cool enough to make a grand entrance," I said, strolling into the gym. None of them tried to cover up the surprise on their features.
I didn't register Bill until my footsteps led me to the back of the gym where they were huddled. Ever and Troy whistled simultaneously, and hugging them, Art and Lee, I waved awkwardly at West and Bill.
"Your hair," West stated, looking helpless. I finally looked at him. His hair was messed up, and not in a cute way - it seemed as though he'd rolled around in mud and forgotten to shampoo. The dark circles under his eyes were prominent on his sunken face and his eyes lacked their sharpness.
"So you do remember my existence, after all," I stated almost playfully, and not wanting to let his dispassion get to me, faced the disco lights lying on the floor at the base of a whitewashed wooden ladder. "The hell are you guys doing?"
Art flailed his arms around as he ranted in one breath, "I know, right? Stupid decorator was supposed to come and put up the lights but NO, he just had to go and have stale takeaway and get diarrhoea!" Troy placed a hand on Art's shoulder, as if coaxing her into calming down.
"Ooh, sucks. So who's going up the ladder?" I inquired, and Lee rolled her eyes.
"Aditi, I can't even with these pansies. They're all scared of height. This cannot possibly be considered as height!" she huffed, her accent high-pitched with mild anxiety.
"Well, why don't you do it?"
"I'm afraid of heights."
We spent the next hour setting up the disco lights for the dance. Bearing the weight of the art supplies had been in vain, because the six had mostly managed to turn the dull gym into a brilliant medley of bright sashes and festoons. The chocolate fountain, although a little extra, was an amazing idea Troy had come up with, and it stood like a holy edifice in the centre of the room.
I didn't laugh with the others, but I smiled, and I was grateful. It wasn't my proudest achievement, but I brushed past West the several times he feebly attempted to make conversation.
"Alright, I've had enough. I'll go do some pot now," Bill yawned just as we were finishing up, producing a flask of alcohol from his bag. He took a swig from the flask, a comical calmness washing over his features. Swinging his worn out denim bag onto his shoulder and strolling out, he lazily itched the light stubble on his chin.
Moments after Bill had left, I suddenly froze midway between pasting a poster on the wall. As the sudden anticipation hit me, I dashed out of the gym.
"Bill!" I called after him as I spotted him in the corridor. Whether he hadn't heard me or ignored me, I couldn't say for sure. Waving my hands before his face when I fell into a line beside him, I made Bill halt and eye me with mild disgust.
"What do you want? I already helped you guys enough," he said, and although I was used to the smell of alcohol, the stench wafting from Bill's mouth nearly made me gag.
"I need you to tell me something, about your drug dealer," I demanded, and Bill began to walk again. I yanked him back by the sleeve, surprised at how easy it was despite his height.
"I'm not supposed to tell," he mumbled before gulping down some more from the Bacardi flask.
"Please, it might help me find my mom," I sighed, running a hand through my now short curls. I almost regretted cutting it off.
"Yeah, I heard that your mom's missing...you know, Aditi, my mom's been dead for years now. I have a bit of a soft spot for moms. Anyways, ask away."
"So, like, your drug dealer, you said that he's new in town?" I asked, earning a tipsy nod from Bill. "Can you tell me where he used to meet you?"
"Show me your boobs first," Bill said solemnly. I jumped back from him, about to yell at him when he laughed, waving his hands as if amused. "Just kidding, relax. He never met me in the same place more than once. But all the places were south of town." South of town, near Doc's house. And Doc saw opium poppies. A dread began to pool in my heart, fearing that Doc's suspicion about genetically modified poppies might've been right.
"Right...thanks, bro," I muttered, turning around to leave.
"There's something else, I don't know if it helps, but," Bill called out. "After the Indian man's murder, there is literally no place you can get some coke. The whole slate of drug exchange has been wiped clean and nobody knows what the eraser is."
"You know, if you weren't so wasted, you'd make a good Shakespeare." I mused weakly. I have to tell Doc.
Chewing on my lip, I strolled back into the gym. The guys had packed up already, and grabbing my bag, I joined them.
"Why'd you run after Bill?" facing me, Ever asked, his brows knotted together in concern.
"Don't worry about it," I reassured automatically, not wanting to worry them. The effect wasn't so great, all of them seemed to grow even more concerned. I tried to change the topic. "Do you guys wanna eat out today? I'd like a change."
The time at McDonald's had the desired calming effect. After we were done eating, I leaned against the wall of the parking lot, ringing up Doc. Unusually for him, he didn't pick up the call even after I'd called twice. The sun was still up, albeit threatening to sink into the horizon soon, so I mounted my bicycle with the intention of paying him a visit.
Bidding everyone goodbye, I cycled out of the parking lot. DiCaprio rattled alarmingly more than usual, signalling that it needed oiling. The houses thinned as I approached the south of town, and the chilly air made me wrap my jumper tighter around myself.
Just when I'd entered Doc's street, I turned to my side at hearing the startling honk of a car.
West's window was rolled down as he spoke from the driver's seat, "We need to talk."
I mentally groaned, pressing the brakes and letting my feet slide along the road until the bike groaned to a stop. "What do you want, asshole?"
West was out of the Mercedes and standing awkwardly before me in seconds. "So, there's been a misunderstanding."
My temper was rising rapidly, and despite my endeavors, I ended up ranting. "You know, if it was a misunderstanding, it's kinda late to clear it up, don't you think?" I held up my hand like a STOP sign when he tried to speak. "And even if it wasn't, you kissing a girl isn't so big of a deal that you will cut off all ties with me because just maybe, you should've thought about how a girl you call your friend needs you to be her friend when her mom is fucking MIA!"
Choking back tears, I put my feet to the pedals again, but he grabbed the cycle handles. "Aditi, please, just hear me out, okay?" I didn't reply, but crossed my arms and silently glared at him.
"I didn't kiss Scarlet or whatever her name is, alright? I don't know what the hell everyone was on about. I was confused, but I still wanted to visit you when your mom...you know? But Troy said that you might get mad, and you're already sad and all-"
"Wait wait, let me get something straight, you asked Troy for advice? Stupid Troy who spills juice on his shirt every fucking day?" I nearly laughed with incredulity, things starting to make sense.
"Um, yeah? Is that not- oh wait, I see it. Crap, I see it," he mumbled, scratching his neck. I laughed out loud, relishing in how it felt. His small smile was unsure, and I realised that I'd missed it. "So, are we good, then?"
I nodded slowly. "Peachy."
"How susceptible are you to getting roasted at the moment? Because you should have seen your fucking face when you thought that I kissed Scarlet, midget," West teased, his lips beginning to quirk up into a smirk.
I rolled my eyes. "Her name's Ruby, and I was crying with happiness, asshole!"
His gaze dropped to the ground, and he dug into it with the heel of his sneakers. "Sure, sure. Anyway, I also wanted to do some charity work to make up for everything, so...do you want to go with me to the dance tomorrow or whatever?"
My jaw fell slack by half an inch as a smile began to form on my lips. Then a question popped up in my mind - isn't he a little out of my league?
"You're hot enough to go out with someone better," I blurted out in a moment of self-depreciation, barely regretting it. Exasperated, he looked up from the ground.
"Someone better? You know what's so wrong with everybody? By better, we mean prettier, smarter, funnier, instead of how much somebody likes another somebody. When I fucked up with you, I realised something." He paused to look at me expectantly, a benign smile settling into his features.
"What?" I feebly asked, my heart beating a little faster.
"I don't give a shit about who others think is better for me, because, like, I am horribly into you, midget."
Not knowing how to react, I yanked him down by the collar of his shirt and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek. Then I put my feet to the pedal and raced down the street, DiCaprio's rattles now sounding pale because of the sound of my own heart beating alarmingly fast.
"IS THAT A YES, THEN?!" West yelled, the jubilation in his roar cutting through the autumn silence and into my heart. Not looking back, I threw up my hands and madly waved the middle fingers.
I didn't realise that I can cycle without both hands until I'd left the bike on Doc's dusty front-yard and dashed inside.
"Oh my God, Doc, you won't believe what happened!" I breathed, my exhilaration faltering momentarily when I didn't spot him anywhere inside the room. I climbed up the spiral stairs, paying caution to not knock anything over. Doc wasn't in the bathroom upstairs either. I fished out my phone and called his number.
I jumped when a phone started ringing right next to my ear. The sound was coming from the empty tribal flower pot on the wall, and sure enough, Doc's phone was right there.
I suppose I was too confused to be alarmed. As I looked around, a tad disoriented, I noticed something unusual, and stepped closer to the whiteboard to get a better look.
Usually, Doc's whiteboard was filled with scribbles and equations that he said he did only to make himself feel like a mad genius (which he was). However, this time, all the scribbles were replaced with neatly lined and paragraphed text. I immediately recognized the text as mirror image - Doc frequently used it and had taught me how to write in it.
Dearest Aditi,
I knew you'd come. I am leaving town indefinitely, you don't need to know why. I feared that the police investigation regarding Saroor's disappearance was not whole-hearted. I was right. They have someone on the inside who's tampering with the evidence.
Don't waste time wondering how I know, but there was only one student there when your mother went missing, and he was studying opiates, which he didn't have permission for. Maybe she tried to report him and he turned hostile, but I have a grave feeling that it's more complicated than that.
I should advise you to let it go, but you definitely won't listen. So what I want to do is try to return to normal life. And IF, not when, you find out anything about cocaine dealing or opium cultivation in Edelweiss, you know where Romeo is, communicate with me.
Trust no one.
"What the actual fuck?" I whispered to myself, stumbling backwards into a pile of books on the floor and knocking it off. An insidious dread creeping into my chest, I grabbed the keys I knew Doc kept under the canvas on the wall and locked the door shut. As I pedaled back home, the shadow of uncertainty loomed overhead, making me shudder each time I saw a cluster of poppies by the road.
May Allah help us.
-