Entry #8 - Trouble in Paradise
Started on Wednesday, December 3rd, 2014
4:17 PM
Finished on Friday, December 5th
11:57PM
Wow, there is simply so much to say and not enough time to say it! Finals are coming up which include a boat load of projects so I’ve been quite busy running around with school work, going to work, seeing Brandon, and visiting my friends during their Thanksgiving break.
Where to start?
Let’s start with work.
Dalton has barely been around me, which has been a bit odd. I don’t know if it’s because he somehow stumbled upon this story and realized it was mine and is now offended, like my imagination thought up, or if being lovey dovey with Brandon while Dalton was near caused this. Either way, I’m not complaining.
The past week has been incredibly FRUSTRATING with trying to get over to the photo lab. Whenever Jeff has asked the people above me if I can get over to photo so he can show me around more and so I can help, it’s always been no. And a nasty no too. The same goes for when I ask if I can help out. One of them, Emma, said, “You don’t need to go over there. I worked photo and it’s watch it print and put in the envelope, not that hard.” She then said to Jeff, “You can’t f**king have her.”
One, photo is EXTREMELY complex and two, no employee should be swearing to others like that! It’s just been super frustrating for both Jeff and I. He keeps getting pissed off about it too because he is delivering poor customer service because he doesn’t have enough people to keep it running. The management also tends to simply throw people from other departments-who have no idea what their doing-in there and expect them to work it.
Last night, it was very slow in the store and after being denied to go and help Jeff, I was told to help fold in clothing. I asked if I could go to photo since there was 400 prints Jeff wanted me to do, but she said maybe if photo got caught up (note that this is a nicer one of the bunch that control the cashiers). After my break and long after Jeff left, I was let go to try out photo. This was the first time I did it on my own, so I did what I knew how and found the computer screen was on a completely unfamiliar page. So, I called Jeff and he couldn’t figure out what it was on or what I had to click on and even Alyssa from wireless couldn’t figure it out so we ended up shutting it down again.
This was probably the most frustrating part because I could have worked back there for two hours had we figured it out!! He found this morning it was two clicks away. AH!! Two simple clicks and I could have been so much more productive! Bleh.
So this morning, after some clocking in troubles, Jeff was once again denied having me help him. A few hours later, once more cashiers had come, they had me cover a door person break since they didn’t need me for cashiering. This infuriated Jeff as usual, so he complained to one of the highest people of the store, including the fact that the head of store had instructed him to do whatever he needed to do in order to keep the photo lab caught up.
This proved results as my manager soon asked me if I wanted to head over to photo followed by another one closing my line so I could go over there. I proved to be a great help to Jeff since one could always stay at the lab to help customers as another left to clean the ink sponges, etc. I spent about an hour over in photo, but it was truly great. I absolutely loved it! Hopefully I can manage to get over there again tomorrow morning.
So while things are looking up at work, things have been kinda down with Brandon and I. Not terribly or anything, but just kind of down. I guess it started on Thanksgiving. Brandon did not come to my Thanksgiving due to hunting for a deer he could not get (he got a 5-pointer the day before) and being with his family. I wasn’t angry or upset over this and had figured he wouldn’t be there. Sure, I was mildly disappointed because I always like seeing him and having him spend time with my family, but it wasn’t too big of a deal.
That night, I met up with Em and we went Black Friday shopping at JCP and the mall. During all of this shopping, Brandon finally texted me after about um, probably 7 hours of having not (I’m just guessing here) asking how I was. Em responded for me, ‘I’m miserable’ as a joke. We shopped more and forgot about texting Brandon until sitting down for food. Then she told him I was miserable because of him and went on to describe that I was heartbroken that he didn’t come over for Thanksgiving (which I really wasn’t but had described the situation to her while I was driving). She overdramatized it in a way which got Brandon super pissed off so he responded with a ranty text of how he wanted to spend time with his family too and that how saying I was miserable because of him made it seem like an arrow was shot through his heart, etc.
Emily felt super, super, bad about this because she didn’t mean to hurt his feelings and showed me all the texts. I suggested she call him and explain so she did. He didn’t find it too funny, but had figured out it was Emily awhile before this and was trying to trick her back and get revenge by making her feel bad (which worked). I got on the phone and told him I didn’t mean the things she said in which he responded I must have on some level since I told them to her. Well, yeah, I did, but not to the obsessed girlfriend level! I had thought those things, yes. But I know the world doesn’t revolve me and his world isn’t just me, so I kept those thoughts private and had only explained minor frustrations of it to Emily because I had simply wished I would have had a straight-forward answer on whether he was coming or not sooner instead of the ‘ehhh, maybe’ wishy-washy-ness.. Those minor frustrations being blown up for a joke is what brought this all about. So he was being pissy on the phone, and I was in no mood to deal with him so I cut the conversation short and hung up on him.
Em was curious and I told her that he was being pissy and to forget about it. She dropped it pretty quick since it was obvious he got on my bad side too and helped me pick out a football jersey instead.
Then we went back to my house, she fell in love with my new blanket and claimed to have back organsms from my back massing machine. She left in the morning and I went on with my day.
As I recall, I didn’t text Brandon much until I was bored and waiting for my friend Eliz to say I could come over. So during that time I got the okay from Brandon and went to his house to play some Assassin’s Creed. I have forgotten the exact details of how the topic was brought about (thus why I should have typed this sooner), but Brandon brought up the topic on how he was pissed the night before and had woke up early and felt crappy and still was frustrated with Emily and I. He also said the texts did hurt him on some level and continued saying how we never apologized for what happened (which both Em and I are 90% sure she said she was sorry on the phone). I defended myself and Em while his voice raised and his frustrations grew (I also note that his mom probably heard all of this) .
Now generally, Brandon and I don’t really fight. We’ll disagree of course, but usually have logical debates to resolve the situation or end up dropping it. This scenario was probably the closest thing to a “real” fight that we’ve ever had.
He fumed how I had so much pride and had to always be right (which I have admitted to being wrong on several occasions in fact), but I broke in saying, “Fine, I’m sorry,” and he exclaimed, “That’s all I wanted to hear!” He hugged me as I still was inner fuming and said the apology was all he wanted. I do admit, I rarely apologize for things and have pride, so it does take a lot to say such things. Comes with being a Leo.
In fact, my eyes were watering at the time but I fought the tears back since they were out of frustration than anything else. I still have not cried in front of Brandon, despite being pretty easy to getting me to cry. It’s been almost a year lol. In this instance, I don’t think he noticed though.
After this, we continued playing video games as he was elated and I still fumed, but gradually my mood improved as it tends to do. We ate Subway and then I went off to Eliz’s house, traveling on some terrible roads, and being tricked by Em and Ali while we were there.
Back to further Brandon updates, Monday we let out some built up horniness just in time before something else could. Monday night, I asked him a variety of questions that I hadn’t before (we asked each other a ton of questions for the first few months of dating so it was surprising to have ones we hadn’t asked before) which were listed under 39 questions to asked before you get married. Not that we’re planning on getting married anytime soon, but I thought it’d be fun to ask them.
All was pretty normal, and I gave him a lecture on why circumcision isn’t necessary, until one of the last questions, “do you think maybe we’re not meant for each other after all?” came about. Brandon answered first saying he thinks we could, but it would be a lot of work since there’s a lot of things we’d have to go through. I agreed, because we both have college and beyond to go through yet, not to mention long distance stuff. But the way he views things, as we discussed later that night over the night, is in a pessimistic way. I am truly surrounded by pessimists, my immediate family all are, Brandon, half of my friends, and yet I’m the optimist of the group. I also look for the bright side and good in a bad situation. That’s just the way I’m programmed and yet I am constantly surrounded by negative people.
It is taxing at times, and a lot of the time I just give up on the others. I’ve given up on changing my mom and sister, but not Brandon or Will. Will is probably doomed at this point with how moody he is, but Brandon I still try with at times. Because I don’t want to be with a pessimistic person all the time. Granted, he’s not too bad about it-which is probably why I can stand having this relationship with him-but there’s times, a lot of times, when he’s just thinking of all the negativity and I’m too tired to fight it so I just give up. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. I’m simply speaking from the heart here.
That night we talked about how he is a pessimist and he genuinely wanted to change this thinking (it has been proven positive thinking has serious health benefits). He also mentioned how when he started dating me he noticed immediately how I was in it for the long run from the start. For me, I guess that’s just a given in my mind because I don’t see the point in fun dating or jumping from guy to guy. I want to find my life partner here and that’s my focus when it comes to dating.
To me, it seemed like something changed that night. I can’t put my finger on it, but something definitely changed that night, at least for me, on how I view our relationship or some sort of aspect of it. It’s been different since that point. And I don’t know why.
Tuesday night, once I got of work, I called Brandon like I usually do. He had Zevi over and they were playing Halo, so he was a bit distracted. He told me about his day and I specifically remember sitting at a bar stool in my house, telling Brandon about my day. I was rambling for a few minutes and could just tell he wasn’t listening or taking in any of it. He didn’t respond at all, not even “u-huh”, and I just stopped talking mid-sentence because I realized it was pointless. He was focused on Halo and his friend, which I understood. I’m not blaming him for anything here, I understand why it happened. I wasn’t angry or frus-okay, mildly frustrated, yes, because all my breath that I had just spent was wasted. Mostly, I was just exhausted and not about to deal with nonsense so I just hung up. No goodbye, no I love you, just hung up. He probably wouldn’t have heard if I did say anything and found the whole phone call pointless. Probably didn’t even notice that I hung up for a few minutes.
Thus began my 16 hour span of not even texting him. It wasn’t because I was especially angry or anything, but I simply did not feel like texting him. I didn’t text anyone. He texted me of course, well, three times. To say “I lovey you” at night, to say good morning, and to ask, “Hello?” I didn’t feel like sending any goodnight texts and don’t when I’m not feeling fond of him at the moment. It’s like when I fight with my mom-if she says “I love you,” at the end, I usually don’t respond and walk away. Same goes here. in the morning, I was still exhausted and just not wanting to think about Brandon or any of unsure mess that Monday seemed to have created. In reality, it probably was hormones than anything fueling all this. I did realize this, but didn’t have anything special to say to him anyway, so left him alone. Of course I never learned, or asked, what he thought during this time so I have no idea what went through his mind.
It wasn’t until nearly 2pm that I texted back, “hi.” We ended up meeting up as we usually do on Wednesdays before class and everything went normally from there. I also note that that night we finished Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood and started Assassin’s Creed Revelations!! Neither of us have played this one, so it will be interesting.
Since then, things have been alright between us. I don’t know though, honestly. Brandon has gotten on my nerves a lot this week. I just hope to get over this and to be able to clear out all the things in my head before our one year anniversary, which is in less than a week already. That’s what this is for.
As a final note to end this long entry, now that it’s December 5th already, lol, that I watched The Notebook for the first time a few hours ago and it’s an amazing movie!! I cried so much at the end and am determined to watch it with Brandon now. It’s an amazing mushy-gushy chick flick.
Goodnight~