Monday, May 18th, 2020
They say the first three seconds after we wake up, we remember nothing. For me, I'd never wanted something to completely consume me, but amnesia seemed like a great idea at his point.
I padder towards the bathroom, stripping off my clothes and hopping in the shower. I'm shivering and it isn't from the sudden chill that bites at my body.
My brain was consumed with thoughts today.
When you feel like you've lost everything, what is there left to care about?
Truth is, I was skipping school. I didn't care if my parents found out now. I felt like I hardly saw them anymore. They were so busy with work that they hadn't been overly protective lately.
Oddly enough, I missed their presence. I'd never felt more lonely.
I turn the shower on, watching the spray of the water. Steam fills the air and I breathe in slowly, letting it fill my lungs.
I'd stayed in bed all weekend. I'd binged The O.C trying to take my mind off everything. It was safe to say that no amount of Seth and Summer could get me through this funk.
The water plunges against my skin, the heat momentarily searing me. I let the feeling overtake my body, fogging my brain.
It hurt too much to think about my friends. Harry's painful expression. Kennedy's disappointment.
I lean my head against the tiles, my hair cascading around my face.
"Why? Why?" I whisper to myself, the water pouring down.
If I could have five more minutes with Nix, that's what I'd ask him. Why would he do this? Why would he leave his family? Why would he ruin the lives of so many?
It kept me up at night, wondering why he did what he did. I used to hold my breath, waiting for the world to bring me answers. It never did.
Three days after it happened, after the police had searched through everything we owned, I frantically went looking through Nix's room.
The police had taken his laptop, his school work and anything else they thought might be useful from his room. I scoured it regardless, searching for something. I remember sobbing so hard that I collapsed against his floor and fell asleep there, waking up with another day full of mystery.
I scrub my body clean with soap, turning my skin a light shade of pink.
None of my friends had messaged me since Thursday and I was grateful. Of course it hurt, but it's what I wanted, after all.
A sudden banging sound makes me jump, bashing my shoulder against the tiles.
I strain to hear where it's coming from until I realise it's the front door. Someone's knocking.
I turn off the shower, drying myself quickly and shaking out my wet hair. They knock again and I put on my tracksuit pants, running down the hallway as I throw on my jumper.
I reach for the handle just as I've put my head through the neck of the jumper.
"Sorry, I was—"
I stop. It doesn't take me long to act, though. I quickly slam the door but Harry reaches out, wedging in his foot just in time.
"I'm not letting you miss school. If you're going to push us all the way, the least you could do is pass this year."
"Harry, I—"
"Get changed. I'll be in the car."
"No, Harry," I say, sternly. I hold onto the door tightly.
"I'm not letting you ruin your life completely. Whatever is going on with you, you need to grow up and realise that you're jeoparding your future."
"Jeoparding my future? Harry, I'm missing one day of school. I can't— I can't be there."
"It isn't one day, though, Lon. You've missed many, many days."
"Well, it isn't your life!" I shout. "Why do you even care, huh? Don't you see what is happening here?"
"What are you talking about?"
"You are trying to save me," I step forward, shutting the door behind me so that I'm outside with him. "You're missing school right now for—"
"Actually, I have a free period—"
"For me! You shouldn't even be here. You shouldn't care this much. I'm not the person you want me to be," I interject.
He scrubs his face in frustration. "You keep spewing this bullshit that I don't understand. You— you are the person I want you to be. You, standing in front of me, are the person that I—"
"Don't. I can't keep doing this with you."
"Lon—"
"This can't keep happening. I'm not going to have the same argument again. You know where I stand."
"No," he snaps. "I don't know where you stand because you're always speaking in code or something."
"I'm not who you think I am," I shake my head.
"See? That's exactly what I mean. Code. You say all this shit that has no meaning to me."
"How can you even— no, I am not having this argument."
I grab for the door handle, but Harry puts his arm around my wrist, pulling me towards him.
"I won't let you ruin your life. You can push me away but I am not going anywhere."
"I can't go to school, Harry," I whisper. "Not today."
"Can you stop avoiding us too?"
"Why aren't you angry at me?" I ask, exasperated.
"Because I know something is going on with you. You think that the best option is to just push us all away but you're wrong."
"I don't think Kennedy sees it that way," I mumble, taking my wrist from his hold.
"Yeah, well. Kennedy just has a different way of showing that she's worried about you."
"I think she just hates me."
"She does not hate you. Quite the opposite. She's just upset."
"I wish she did hate me. I deserve it."
"Stop with the self-pity, Hall."
I shake my head, sighing. "I've gotta go, Harry."
I open the door and go to close it behind me. Harry reaches out this time, pushing it back open and stepping inside.
"Harry, I can't—"
"Anything that happened in your past, it won't scare me."
I stop, turning back to him. "How do you— what makes you think this is about my past?"
He shrugs. "You don't talk much about where you came from. You always change the subject when it comes up, you always talk about how I don't know who you are, you—"
"Okay, okay. I get it," I sigh.
"It's about that person you always refer to, isn't it?"
"What?"
"You're always referring to someone who hurt you, who did something that changed your life."
I'd slipped up too much. He was so attentive that I should have realised that even the smallest details were important to him.
"Why don't you explain that to me."
My chest tightens and I suck in a breath, hoping to stop the panic from rising. "I— no. I need you to leave. Please."
"I don't understand."
"Good," I laugh, frustrated. Tears well in the corner of my eyes. "If you did understand, you'd never look at me the same again."
I lean against the wall, closing my eyes. "I haven't slept, Harry. I'm exhausted. Now, can you please just...please go."
He shakes his head. "It won't work. Whatever is going on..."
"Stop saying that, Harry."
"Nothing will change—"
"STOP!"
He suddenly goes silent, closing the front door behind him and leaning against it.
"Stop telling me that nothing will change your mind about me. You can't promise that. When I say you know nothing about me, I mean it. I know something terrible, something terrible that will completely ruin your life. Something that will change every single good thought you've ever had about me."
"Lon—"
"No! Give it up already! I'm terrible for you! I'm terrible for— for all of them too! I'm already ruining everything just by being here and now Aubrey..."
"Aubrey? Aubrey from school? Aubrey who through the party?"
"It doesn't matter," I shake my head. "It doesn't matter! Just— just leave, okay? I'm asking you to leave."
"What does Aubrey have to do with anything?"
I stay quiet, placing my hands behind my back.
"Please, Lon, I'm going crazy here."
"See? Doesn't this just prove to you that I'm bad? If you had never met me—"
"Don't say that. You are the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. Before you, I struggled to get out of bed because of what happened to Liam. But you helped me through that. I—"
"No, no, no. Please," I sob.
He was talking about me like I'd saved his life, yet he wouldn't have even been in pain if it wasn't for what my brother did.
"I love you, Lonnie. I won't let you do this to yourself. Pushing people away won't fix whatever issues you are dealing with."
I cover my ears, leaning over like I'm going to vomit. My sobs wrack through me.
He loves me. Harry loves me back and my brother ruined his life.
Everything was so, so, wrong.
He walks towards me, his arms are outstretched. I push him back, stepping away from the wall.
I wipe away my tears, sniffling. I didn't want to be pathetic anymore. I was going to take this head-on. I was going to deal with this.
"I need you to leave, Harry. I need you to leave and never look back."
"Lon—"
"Please, Harry. I'm begging you. This is what I want. I need you to respect that."
He balls his fists, the inner turmoil clear in his broken expression.
"Okay," he whispers. "If that's your choice, then I'll— I'll go."
"Thank you," I sniff, the tears blurring my vision. "Thank you for understanding."
"Trust me," he croaks, wrenching open the door, "I don't."
He slams it shut behind him, leaving me standing alone in the dark hallway.