• 𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝚖𝚎 : 𝚙𝚝 𝚝𝚠𝚘 •
TRIGGER WARNING:
this chapter will mention suicide, please, if you are not comfortable reading carry on to the next one shot. i do not want to make you uncomfortable <3
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The gathering was quiet. Not many people spoke but there was a light chatter between a few others. Most were dressed up in black suits, others wore black clothing, and only a small handful that had a normal outfit on.
There was definitely a thickness in the air. It was hard to breathe for some as they chocked back the tears. The first open cries came from a weeping mother, holding both of her hands where her heart was as her shoulder trembled. A small gathering surrounded her, wanting to give her relief but they too began to cry themselves. The family was broken, shattered. There was a heavy weight on each of their shoulders that pushed them done, not being able to be lifted back up.
How could they not notice?
How did they not see any signs?
Why did this happen?
Hinata stood from a distance, watching the small group try to support each other during the hard time. He, too, had tear stains against his red cheeks from crying his heart and soul out right before arriving to the funeral home. He wanted to hold all of it in, not wanting to show weakness in front of his family but Hinata definitely wasn't the strongest. He wasn't strong enough to keep him alive. Bowing his head down, his orange bangs shadowing his teary eyes, Hinata no longer cared if his weaknesses were exposed. He missed HIM so much..
Flinching at the hand that touched his shoulder, Hinata looked backed up to see a few of Nekoma's teammates standing in front of him. The hand was attached to Kuroo, who shared the same pained expression on his face. His eyes were stained red and puffy. Kuroo had his moment of grieving right before greeting Hinata with an attempted warm smile.
"Hey.." Kuroo's voice cracked.
"Hey." Hinata could barely speak above a whisper. There was nothing he wanted to say, there was nothing to say.
"Have you went up there?" Behind Kuroo, Lev stood with a slouch.
Shaking his head, Hinata's eyes glanced in the direction where the casket laid but his couldnt stare for long before tearing up again.
"Well," Kuroo squeezed Hinata's shoulder before pulling his hand away. "dont force yourself. The feelings you must have.. I'm so sorry Hinata. If only I knew what was going on through his head-!?"
"Don't blame yourself, senpai."
"It's hard not too. Being his captain and his friend, I should've caught on. And you being his boyfriend.."
Hinata stayed quiet, staring at their shoes.
"He hid a lot from us." Finally he spoke up, hugging himself with a tight grip. "I might've been his boyfriend but he hid a lot from me. I-I tried to figure out what was wrong but I guess I was too late, huh?" With a pitiful chuckle, Hinata bowed his head before walking off, the captain and middle blocker watching him from behind.
He didn't know where he was walking too. His legs took control and guided him through the entire building, wanting avoid as many people as possible. Eventually stopping, he realized he was only standing a few feet away from the black casket on the stand. The casket was closed, just as he wished it to be. Hinata couldnt move. He stared at the shiny black wood, carved perfectly with the sliver handles on each side. Hundreds of flowers were bundled on top, flowers his family had picked out of love, respect, and acceptance.
Slowly, Hitana took the few steps he dreaded the most. He stood right in front of the human sized box, looking at his reflection in the dark wood stare right back at him. It was hard to see but Hinata saw his red eyes and cheeks in the wood. The tips of his fingers carefully caressed the edges, dragging them over the carvings and silver bars.
Was he really inside?
Maybe it was all a lie.
Maybe it was a nightmare, soon enough Hinata would wake up.
Right?
Right?!
"Hinata?"
Jumping, Hinata pulled his hand away from touching the casket and turned around, only to see Mrs. (L/n) standing there with tears on her cheeks and a small sad smile on her face. She was a lovely woman, always welcoming Hinata into her home when he would come and visit. In her shaking hands, there was a small shoes box with Hinata's full name written on the top.
"(L/n)-San.."
"Please, call me Nara. I believe we've known each other long enough, hehe." Her laugh was broken. "I'm glad you came. All of this must be so hard on you. I'm sorry about my son, I thought I raised him well b-but I guessed I failed as a mother." Her tears returned.
"Nara, no." Hinata began to tear up as well. He quickly moved to hug the older woman, holding her tight as she did the same with one arm. "You're a great mother. Please don't blame yourself for his death, none of this is your fault. I guess he was fighting demons without us noticing.." Hinata sniffled before pulling away. He tried to smile for Nara but his lips twitched into a frown.
"I guess so.." Nara whispered, using her handkerchief to dab the tears underneath her eyes away. When gathering her posture, she held out the box to the volleyball player. "I found this in his room while he was in the hospital. I wanted to give it to you sooner but I couldn't remember your contact information."
"Oh, thank you." Hinata carefully took the shoe box into his hands. The handwriting was easily noticeable, he immediately knew who it was from.
"Please, if you need anything. You are always welcome into our home." Placing her hand on top of Hinata's, Nara gave him one more supporting smile before walking off back to her family.
•••
The same night as the funeral, Hinata locked himself in his bedroom with the shoe box sitting on his desk. He refused to eat dinner since his appetite wasn't the biggest that night, though he promised his mother to grab a small snack to hold him over.
Taking a small bite of his rice ball, Hinata stared at the shoe box.
What was inside?
Swallowing the last large bite, the ginger scooter his chair closer to the desk and adjusted his light so it was shining right above the mystery box. His name was written neatly on a piece of tape on the lid.
Doing the same as before, the tips of his fingers grazed the edge of the lid but this time he opened it up. It was full of memories. There was photos, a few wrappers, a familiar necklace, and a bunch of items that unlocked memories he nearly forgotten about. When pushing the photos around, he saw a small disk with a label 'PLAY' written in a blue ink.
Quickly, Hinata pushed the box on the edge of the desk, grabbing his laptop and shoved the desk inside, waiting for it to load. His heart was pounding, questioning what could be on the dvd.
Click play.
"Hey, Shoyo.."
Hinata tensed. The same stinging sensation in his eyes from before returned. His vision blurred from the tears.
"(F/n)..!" Hinata cried out.
"This is kinda awkward, huh?" (F/n) laughed in the video. He was scratching the back of his head while glancing around at whatever was in front of him. "I'm not for sure how to start this, I never really thought I would be making something like this but I guess here we are! Um.." He bit down on his lip. "The first thing I want to say is that none of this is your fault. I wanted to explain myself to you in person but I was so scared too. Kinda ironic, right? A big guy like me being afraid to tell his boyfriend his problems and not dealing with them like a real man."
Hinata's heart fluttered.
"So, I'm making this tape to explain everything. You don't have to watch but.. ah I don't know." He laughed nervously.
"I've been dealing with issues ever since I was a kid. At first I couldn't understand what it was so it was never a big deal to me. I would always get these small mood swings. One second I'm feeling fantastic like I can take on the world and the next I felt.. alone? Have you ever felt alone? I'm sure everyone has at least once. Though I was only in middle school, I thought 'I'm a child, I'm probably only missing my friends' but later on as I grew up, the loneliness just grew." He paused for a second, his mouth hung open as if he wasn't for sure what to say next. "Sorry, I'm trying to put it in simpler words. I'm not for sure how to explain what I'm feeling, it's just there? You know what's the hardest? When someone asks you how you feeling and you reply 'i don't know' and they just give you a questioning look. That look just feels like they're judging me. Because truthfully, I had no idea how I was feeling!? How do I put the feelings that have been lingering around in my head and body for years into words? It's not easy, it's so hard.."
(Y/n) dug his finger tips through his (h/c) hair. He looked stressed.
"This might be off topic but I hope you're okay.. I'm probably sounding selfish or maybe a hypocrite but please, be okay. I can only imagine how you're feeling." (Y/n) looked at the camera for a second before looking away. "The past few days I've been ignoring you. I've seen all the missed calls from you and texts messages, I'm sorry Shoyo."
Hinata knew exactly what he was talking about.
"You mean everything to me and I'm sitting here being a pussy, recording a video before I-.." He went silent. Hinata didn't want him to finish the sentence. (Y/n) took in a deep breath. "Inside the box I put some things you gave me. There's some of my favorite photos of us, most have dates on them but there's a couple that I forgot to label but when I look at them," (Y/n) lifted one of the photos up to look at them. "I remember exactly what we did that day. Like this one, you took me to that little shop your coach owns and we ended up getting a lot of meat buns. Then we sat at your house watching movies on your laptop." He was smiling. "I want you to know that I've cherished every single moment that I was with you. For the past year and a half of us being together, labeling our relationship as boyfriends, I've never felt so happy. I never felt alone with you. Somehow and in someway, you always seemed to make me the happiest person ever. Even when you started beating me in matches."
Hinata laughed softly.
"What I'm trying to say is that.. I love you Shoyo."
Hinata broke into tears after hearing the three words he has been craving for, for the longest time.
"I've always wanted to say that in person. Telling you to your face and possibly see your cute reaction. I bet you're blushing right now!"
I am.
"I hope you love me as much as I love you.."
I do!
"It's probably my insecurities telling me you don't but I know you do. In my heart, I know." He began to tear up. "I've been fighting with myself for so long that I've grown tired. My body aches everyday and my mental state has just gone down the drain, way before I met you. When I wake up every morning, I sometimes cry to myself and try to fall back asleep so I don't have to face reality. There was only one morning that I woke up with a smile on my face and that's when you stayed with me. I saw you sleeping next to me and I couldn't help but smile. The only time I felt like the world was on my side. Y-you've kept me alive a lot longer than I thought I would be and I thank you, Shoyo. Thank you so much for giving me the best year and a half of my life." (Y/n) choked on his words. He looked directly into the camera, a genuine broken smile on his beautiful face.
Hinata cried along with him, reaching out to touch the screen.
"I don't want to fight anymore. I want to rest, to relax. I know I could've gone and got help from a professional but this is my choice. No one but myself pushed me to this decision. My have the greatest friends in the world and they have always cheered me up but I'm not the strongest person in the world, even if I look like it." He chuckled. "I'm terrified of the real world. I'm scared of what i have to face once I'm out of high school. Along with my insecurities, terrifying thoughts, and loneliness.. I don't feel prepared for the real world."
The video was quiet, (Y/n) saying anything for so long that Hinata thought it froze.
"I had a dream once. You and I lived happily as adults. We shared a home, had our own cars, and there was a child.. We were such a happy family. You, me, and our child. She was so beautiful. She had your bright orange hair, my eyes, and your personality. She looked to perfect and I wished you could've seen. What if we could've had kids together? Two men being able have children, somehow. If that was possible, I would hope she would come into our world. You loved her so much in my dream." (Y/n) wiped away his tears with the end of his sleeve.
"If only.." Hinata whispered along.
"This video is getting pretty long, isn't it? Talking about all this feels good. It feels like a bit of weight was lifted of my chest so I hope i was able to cheer you up a bit. Think of if this way! I.. I-I won't have to struggle anymore. I won't have to fight with the demons in my head, I won't have to wake up with a struggle every morning, nor will I have to stress anymore. I don't want you to feel sad for me. This will not be the last time we see each other. I'll be waiting for you. I want you to live on for me and achieve all of your dreams. I want you to become the next tiny giant and prove all those idiots wrong! I know you can do it, Shoyo.." He was smiling through the pain.
"I do have a small favor."
Anything for you.
"All I ask you is.. I want you to remember me."
(Y/n) stared at the camera, as if he was staring directly into Hinata's eyes.
"I've been told that I'm not a very forgetful person but I worry sometimes. So please, when you become the next tiny giant and play games nationally, please think of me. I'll be there, watching you win."
With a final deep breath, (Y/n) nodded his head.
"I love you, Hinata Shoyo. You're the reason why I smile."
With those final words, the screen went blue with the word 'REPLY' flashing.
There were so many emotions Hinata was feeling. He couldn't understand but inside, he felt relieved in a way.
Closing his laptop, Hinata looked inside of the box and saw the same photo (Y/n) held up to the screen. It was the two of them, sitting on the bench outside of his couch's store with their mouths stuffed with rice.
"Mhm.." Hinata hummed, picking up the small polaroid picture, he stared down at it. Below there was the same handwriting from the lid.
'The day I fell in love.'
"I love you too, (L/n) (Y/n)."
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2.7k words
there are mistake in this chapter, i shall fix them soon. ily <3
-eden