18 - You're Not In This Alone
Gerard's dream was blurred and incoherent, a mix of faces and strange imagery. He was gradually becoming aware of a pounding in his head, the dryness on his lips and the discomfort that radiated throughout his whole body, particularly across his back and shoulders. He was lying on something hard, and it definitely wasn't his bunk.
There was noise too - a voice. A voice that was calling his name. He desperately tried to get comfortable and failed, and with a groan tried to open his eyes.
"Gerard?"
That sounded like Frank, only his voice sounded hoarse, and had this desperate edge to it.
As he blinked open his eyes, he glanced around to see he was on the floor of the bar, lying between the fridge and the counter, a fair few empty bottles around him. His whole body felt like it had been hit by a truck, and his stomach was doing somersaults.
Fuck. How long had he been out?
"Gerard?" Frank's voice sounded nearer.
"mmph" was all that came out his mouth at first, but he managed to pull himself together enough to call back. "Frank?" he tried, more audibly this time, and within seconds he heard the sound of feet running, closer and closer.
"Gerard? Oh, shit" and then Frank was jumping over the bar, landing next to him on the floor with a thud. Gerard did his best to pull himself into a sitting position, and Frank helped him up. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he'd been crying.
"Frank? What... what's the time?" Frank didn't reply, just flung his arms around him and pulled him to his chest, holding onto him like he could disappear at any second. Gerard clung onto him, burying his face in his familiar smashing pumpkins t-shirt and trying to make the room stop spinning.
"I was so scared" he heard him mumble into his hair "I... Gee, I thought... I don't know. I couldn't fucking find you, nobody could, and we looked everywhere... I..."
"I'm so sorry" Gerard croaked in reply, the guilt so painful it was almost unbearable. He'd done this to Frank, he'd caused those bags under his eyes, those tears.
"I let you leave that bar alone, I don't know why I fucking did it, I thought you'd be back, and then you weren't, and you said you'd gone to find Mikey but he hadn't seen you and then all I could think about were all the things that could've happened to you if you'd wandered off, or been attacked or-" and then Frank was crying, fresh tears falling down his cheeks.
Gerard reached up to brush them away with his thumb, and pulled him impossibly closer.
"This is not your fault Frankie" he whispered "it's me, it's all me. I went looking for Mikey, and then I saw the bar, and I just couldn't stop myself. I wanted to stop Frankie, I knew I should, I'm just so fucking weak. You don't deserve this..."
"I thought - I thought that if i was everything Bert wasn't, If I could love you hard enough it would be enough to stop it, I thought if I brought it up and spoke to you about it you might not want that, that it would be too much, but Gee I can't watch you do this to yourself. It's killing me too."
"Frank.." Gerard could feel his own tears pooling in his eyes "I... I thought I could fix it too, I really did. Being with you, it numbs it all, if only for a moment. But... i've got a problem Frankie. It's bad, so much worse than I wanted to admit. I can't keep hurting you and Mikey and the others like this, but I can't fucking stop myself either. I want to stop, I want to be better for you, I thought I could be stronger..."
Frank looked at him with wide eyes, knowing this was the first time Gerard had ever admitted this aloud.
"Just please, please don't leave me Frankie. I know it's selfish to ask, but I can't fucking do this without you. I can get better, I can-"
Frank kissed him roughly, hands on either side of his face, fingers in his tangled hair.
"Don't be an idiot, I'm not going anywhere" he breathed against his lips as they broke apart "I'm in love with you. I want to help, but you've got to let me Gee. We all want to help you through this."
"Okay" Gerard mumbled "I'll get proper help, I'll do anything."
A smile spread across Frank's face, and Gerard had never been so relieved to see one.
"Why don't we start by getting you out of here and in the shower, yeah?" Frank tried to smooth down his hair, but quickly gave up "I'll make you some food, and you can brush your teeth, and then we'll figure out what to do about this, yeah?"
"Please" he nodded, and let Frank pull him to his feet. His legs were shaky, but he could stand okay. "I don't know if I can climb over this bar again."
"Wait a sec" Frank climbed on top of it and turned around "give me your hands, come on, I'll help you over."
Sure enough, Frank helped haul him over the bar, and as soon as he was over grabbed him by the hand and lead him out of the venue.
"Come on, we better find the others too. Me and Mikey wanted to phone the police, but Ray said it's better we search everywhere round here properly before we do so they'd take us more seriously." Fresh guilt stabbed through Gerard at his words.
"How long has it been?"
"You left the bar at like 1am, I got back here at 2 and found out you were nowhere to be seen, then by the time I'd woken everyone up and started searching it was probably 3, now it's... he glanced down at his phone screen "6am. So yeah, you've been out for a while. I searched the venue first as well, but I didn't think to look behind that damn bar..."
"Shit..." he trailed off as they stepped outside and saw that, sure enough, the sun was beginning to rise.
"Come on" Frank pulled him towards the bus "let's let them know you're okay so they can get some sleep, and then we'll get you sorted out."
When he climbed onto the bus Mikey was pacing the living area. The second he saw Gerard he flung himself across the room and clung to his brother in a death-grip hug, long arms wrapping around him.
"I thought..." he trailed off, unable to voice his thoughts.
"I know" Gerard just mumbled back "I'm so so sorry Mikey. I fucked up, big time."
"Yeah you did" he turned, Mikey still clinging onto him, to see Bob in the doorway, looking tired "but we're just glad you're safe man. Don't scare us like that again."
"Thanks Bob."
"Is he here?" Ray came running onto the bus then, Brian following behind him "oh shit, thank fuck for that" he sighed as soon as he took in the scene in front of him, and immediately crossed the room to hug Gerard. Mikey reluctantly let him go so he could hug him back.
"I'm so sorry Ray" Gerard sighed as he pulled away. Frank and Mikey were lingering either side of him like they were worried he was going to collapse or disappear if they so much as took their eyes off him, whilst Ray and Brian sat down, looking exhausted.
"What happened?" Brian frowned "these guys woke me up saying you were missing, and now you turn up looking like shit and smelling like a liquor store. I'm all for you having fun on the last night of tour Gerard, but this is a bit extreme..."
"I'm so sorry, you must all be exhausted" Gerard's voice cracked a little "I... I know this is a problem. I know it can't go on like this. I'm so sorry I've put you all through it again, and worse this time..."
"Hey" Ray gave him a reassuring, sad smile "it's okay Gee. We're here for you, okay? Just don't do that to us again."
"I won't, I promise you. I can't tell you how awful I feel."
"You can't change what happened" Mikey mumbled "but we can all help you get through this Gee. You've just got to let us."
"I will."
"I owe you an apology" Brian sighed "I didn't realise things had got like this. I've been managing too many bands and not giving you attention you needed. I didn't even know your drinking was a problem.."
"It's not just drink" Gerard sighed, and looked to Frank, who gave him an encouraging nod "it's cocaine too. and pills. Just anything I can get my hands on really."
"Shit" Brian sighed "okay, I'm going to be here for you properly Gerard. We can get you clean, we can sort this. We could postpone Tokyo-"
"No" Gerard's eyes grew wide "no, no, the shows have to keep going Brian. I can't cancel on them, not when it's in a matter of days."
"Are you sure?" Ray frowned "you know we'd all back your decision Gee."
"Yeah" Bob nodded "your health has gotta come first."
" I can do it, I can make it through, it's only a short trip, and then we can go back to Jersey and i'll get proper help, I'll fix it. Please guys" he looked desperately between his bandmates, who all seemed conflicted.
"If you want to do Tokyo" Frank eventually nodded "then we'll do it. But none of us are gunna drink a single drop the whole trip, agreed?" everyone nodded.
"You'll be going through withdrawals" Brian frowned "someone will need to keep an eye on him the whole time, and share a hotel room too. He can't be left on his own till he's got proper help."
"Me and Frank were going to share a room anyway" Gerard blurted out, and Brian raised an eyebrow, seeming to think about it for a moment before giving a small smile.
"Okay, well that sounds like a good idea. But I want you to know this is your decision Gerard. If you can't do the show, just tell me. The record label will help too - we can help pay for rehab if you like."
"Can I think about it?" he asked quietly, and Brian nodded.
"Of course. Right now I think it's a good idea everyone gets some sleep, myself included. The bus will drive us to the airport this afternoon, and then we've got an overnight flight, so you're all going to need some energy" he stood up and gave Gerard a brief hug "and I know you aren't exactly renown for personal hygiene, but take a damn shower."
Gerard gave a small laugh at that.
"Thank you Brian."
"It's okay" and with that he left.
"I'm going to go to sleep" Bob yawned "glad you're okay man."
"Me too" Ray stood up and followed him.
"You're going to be okay, you know" Mikey sighed, turning to face his brother properly "you're so much stronger than you think you are. We're going to get you through this."
"I'll get better" he nodded, and Mikey gave him a final hug before walking to his bunk.
"Come on" Frank handed him a big glass of water "drink this, then go shower, I'll make you some food whilst you're doing that. And then you can sleep in an actual bunk, and not on some sticky floor."
"Sounds perfect" Gerard nodded, beginning to gulp down the water, which tasted pretty incredible.
He took his time in the shower, letting the hot water hit all the points where his muscles were aching, and washed his hair too, trying to scrub away all traces of the night. When he stepped out he felt considerably more alive, and threw on his skeleton onesie.
He shuffled his way back to the living area of the bus, where Frank had made him a cheese toastie, at which point he realised just how hungry he was.
"This is the best toastie i've ever tasted" he all but moaned through mouthfuls, causing Frank to giggle.
"Just wait till we're back in Jersey and I cook you my mac n cheese. You're going to love it."
"Frankie?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you..." he trailed off, nerves hitting him hard.
"What is it Gee?" Frank leaned over and placed a hand over his.
"Will you stay with me? In Jersey. I don't think I can be alone there, and I don't want to be without you."
"Of course" Frank grinned "did you really think I was going to let you go home on your own? I'm going to take care of you Gee."
"Thank you" Gerard let himself relax more, feeling clean and fulfilled. Frank pushed some painkillers over to him on the counter.
"Take these for your head, and then we can go to bed, yeah?"
"Yes please" he nodded, and downed the pills "you must be exhausted."
"I am" Frank took his hand and lead him through to the bunk area. They climbed into Gerard's bunk, and Frank pulled the curtain behind them, shuffling down so he could wrap an arm around Gerard's waist. He pulled their bodies together tighter than normal, like he was trying to reassure himself that Gerard was indeed right there with him. Gerard let a pang of guilt flutter through him, and pressed himself against Frank as tightly as he could.
He'd thought admitting his problem would've made it worse, but even despite feeling utterly shit and in a lot of pain, he still felt like a weight had lifted off his chest. No longer did he feel alone in this. He felt like his bandmates, and especially Frank, were right there at his side, and maybe that was what he needed to get him through.
He fell asleep to the sounds of them all sleeping in their bunks, Frank's light snores in his ear, and slept more peacefully than he had in weeks.
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Double update woop woop! Hope this gave you some entertainment whilst we're all stuck indoors and that wherever you are reading this from you're keeping safe! I'll try and keep these updates going at a decent pace :))