After a delicious stack of blueberry pancakes and a long talk with one of my favorite people in the world, I winded up sitting on the back steps of my house feeling more empty than when I’d got here.
The sun was setting a few miles away and gave the sky a beautiful pink tinge. I drew the sleeves of my jacket to cover my hands and folded them on my lap.
The cool air and the fast approach of dusk did not help my loneliness. On a whim, I fished out my phone and opened the camera app. After focusing on the point where the orange globe dipped into the earth I took the picture and opened Instagram.
I posted the picture and captioned with a sunset emoji. When I was done I wandered into my feed. My post about lies and heartbreak caught my eye, it had gotten a couple of positive responses but I didn’t care about any of those, my eyes were glued to something else.
Staring at me on my profile picture was a photo of me and Antonio I took in the car right after he popped the question. It showed me in a yellow t-shirt with Mickey and Minnie on it showing off the huge rock on my finger and grinning like an idiot while Antonio kissed me on the cheek.
My eyes zoomed in on the ring and I remembered it was sitting at the bottom of my suitcase as useless as both the person that gave it to me and the empty promises he spouted.
Shaking my head, I quickly changed the photo to that of a random picture of a field of sunflowers.
That was step two in my ongoing mission to purge the asshole from my life. Step one had been deleting his message.
I let out a deep sigh and just as I was about to head back inside my phone buzzed with an incoming video call.
Debra’s name flashed and reminded me of how I had been ignoring her calls and recent messages.
Except for a one word replies that were few and far between, we hadn’t talked since the wedding.
I knew she meant well but try as I might I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to her. The shame and humiliation I had faced in her presence were a sharp deterrent whenever I even considered opening up.
But I couldn’t let her keep calling like this all the time. I had to let her know that the only way I would heal was if I had the space and solitude to do that.
But I don’t want to talk to her.
I considered the conundrum for a few more seconds before I slid the answer button and positioned the phone away from me so they could see my face.
The camera spun around a bit before it focused on Debra’s shocked face.
“Oh my God, she answered, Hanna!” Debra squealed over her shoulder then focused her warm brown eyes on the screen. “Hi there stranger. Is there no reception in Michigan? I’ve been calling and sending texts, have you not been getting them?”
Before I could respond the image blurred and then Hanna’s green eyes and blonde hair was all I could see.
“Hi! Oh thank God you’re alive, for a second I was sure that the alligators got you.”
“Alligators? Really?”
“Of course, that was the only plausible explanation to why you couldn’t communicate with us.”
As I was dealing with the sudden onslaught of guilt Debra joined Hanna.
“Moving on from reptiles, we saw your Instagram post. Does it mean you’re doing better?” Debra asked, adjusting her rimless glasses. The floral print of her blouse looked especially bright under the florescent lights of the office in the background.
The urge to lie was overwhelming.
“Yeah, yeah, definitely. I’m feeling better, nothing clears the mind quite like the crisp Midwestern air,” I used my free hand to support my chin as the lies spilled out like a bath left unattended.
“That’s great,” Debra exclaimed and grabbed Hanna’s shoulder.
“I’m happy you’re doing better, that bastard didn’t deserve you. So when are you coming back, Denise? The office just isn’t the same without you,” Hanna pouted.
I looked at the two women on my screen; one with cascading blonde hair and the other with brown hair in a messy bun, both unequivocally good.
“I’m sorry guys. I sent in my resignation letter yesterday. I’m not coming back.”
A look passed between them that I didn’t completely understand.
“What do you mean you’re not coming back?” Hanna asked, aghast.
“You guys don’t seriously think I’ll come back there after what happened, right?” I laughed.
“Well we didn't think you’d throw away your career . . .”
I cut Debra off. “What career? I was fetching him coffee and reminding him of his schedule. I’m a software engineer for God’s sake, I don’t belong in a publishing house working for the son of Satan.”
“But you are coming back to New York, right? We could help you find another job if you want,” Hanna suggested.
I hesitated and by the looks on their faces they knew what my answer would be.
“You’re not coming back at all,” Hanna whispered, whatever joy from seeing me that sprung up shriveled along with her smile.
“I’m sorry guys, it is what it is.”
“No,” Hanna shook her head. “It most definitely is not what it is. You’re abandoning all of us because someone broke up with you? Big whoop! People get dumped every day.”
“I’m sure they do but how many in their wedding dresses, on their wedding day?” I couldn’t stop the ice from entering my voice.
Hanna nodded; I could see she was trying her best to not say what was really on her mind. “I guess this is goodbye then, have a nice life.” She handed the phone to Debra then stomped offscreen.
Debra and I stared at each other for a few minutes after Hanna’s exit.
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?” Debra asked in voice that was halfway between a squeak and a sigh.
“Honestly, I don’t have the faintest idea what in the hell I’m doing,” I took a deep breath. “But I know I’m not ready to come back. I’m just . . . not. I know if I force myself I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life. But I will miss seeing you every morning, Deb, that I know for sure.”
She smiled. “I’ll miss you too, Dee.”
We stayed there staring at each other and suddenly I was gripped with nostalgia. I realized this would probably be the last time I saw Debra Jenkins so I tried to absorb every inch of her small, motherly face.
“Could you say goodbye to Nika for me? And please tell Hanna I’m really sorry.” I pleaded whilst blinking back tears.
“Definitely, you’ll come visit though, right?”
“Yes. Of course!”
“That’s great, Dee. Even if we don’t see again remember I’m always a phone call away.”
“Thanks Deb. We’ll talk later.”
Darkness had already creeped up around me as I cut the call. Porch lights had come on and in a few houses the flickering lights of TVs could be seen from windows.
I sighed and debated on whether or not to stay out here for a few more minutes. My mom would be home soon and I wasn’t sure I wanted to see her just yet.
Before I could make up my mind the door behind me opened with its characteristic squeal.
I turned just in time to see Matty plop down beside me.
“Hi, Dee Dee,” he greeted with a radiant smile.
“Hi, Matty,” I replied. “Fancy seeing you here. I didn't know you’d be stopping by.”
“I wasn’t planning on it but you sounded . . . I don't know . . . off on the phone, so I thought I’d stop by and check on you when I was done at the shop.”
“That conversation was ten hours ago, you know you needn’t have bothered any more, right?”
Matty shrugged like I had just told him the sky was blue. Silence stretched between us for a while until he asked, “So, how are you doing?”
“A little sad, but I’ll be ok, you?”
“Honestly? Tired, and craving ice cream for some reason.”
My eyes brightened as an idea came to me.
“Then let’s go get some.”
Matty’s eyes widened. “Now?” He looked around. “It’s kinda late, don’t you think.”
I stood up and dusted the back of my jeans. “It’s never too late for ice cream, besides it’s such a pleasant night, we shouldn’t waste it on my backyard porch.”
“You’re avoiding your mom, aren’t you?” Matty asked as he stood up.
“She blames me for her car and every other bad thing that has ever happened to her, I’m just doing everything I can to stay out of her way.”
I expected Matty to say something in protest, in fact I saw his eyes flash and his lips part but just as I thought the words would come out he clamped his lips together and strode past me into the house.
“Let’s go get some ice cream then.” He called on his way to the front door.
I followed him, snagging the black puffer jacket thrown carelessly over the couch.
I tried not to think about Matty’s frigid tone as I shrugged it on and joined him outside.
“Are you still a raspberry surprise girl?” he asked as we fell into a rhythm.
I put my hands in the pockets of my jacket and reveled in the sweetness of the night air and the chirp of the crickets, glad that whatever tone I’d heard from Matty was in my head.
“Absolutely, are you still an in the moment flavor guy?”
“Absolutely,” he answered and we both laughed.
The sound of a passing car and the brief flash of headlights interrupted the silence that had descended.
“I went to see your dad today,” I started as I removed a curl that flew into my eye.
“You did? That's nice, he’d heard you were in town and wondered when you’d be by. I'm glad you went to see him.”
The silence surrounded us again as I watched Matty keenly. He raised the collar of his leather jacket — the one with the golden zippers that reflected light — and stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans. The wind played with his curls, splaying them across his forehead.
He turned his head and caught me staring but I didn’t look away. His eyebrows dipped with the question he didn't voice.
“He told me about your mom, Matty,” my tone was low but it came out as clear as crystal.
He stopped under a street lamp and after two steps I stopped too and turned to face him.
His face was unreadable and the bright yellow light brought out the color of his blue-green eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Matty. I’m a crap friend, I should have been here for you.”
“It’s fine, Dee. It was a long time ago.”
“Not that long ago. Why didn't you tell me?”
Something flickered across his indecipherable expression.
“Because ‘hey Denise, I know you’ve been back in town for only five seconds but I just thought I’d tell you that my mom’s dead, by the way how’re you?’ didn’t sound quite right.”
I kicked a rock into the road instead of answering. “Were you just sarcastic for the first time in your life?”
I got the response I wanted when Matty’s face broke into a smile. He shook his head.
“You really cannot be serious, can you? As a matter of fact, that was the fifth,” he folded his arms.
“Fifth, impressive.” I dropped the teasing voice I was using. “I really am sorry about your mom, Matty. I loved her too. I know it’s been long but if you ever need someone to talk to that understands, I’m right here.”
“That understands?” He frowned.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yeah. That understands. My dad, he um, died.”
Matty’s face crumpled. “What? When? How?”
“Heart attack. May.” I tried to say more but I was fighting to keep the tears from my eyes.
“God, Dee. I'm sorry.”
I nodded and used the toe of my Chucks to trace the cracks on the concrete. Under the street lamp it felt like we were the only two people in the world and I was grateful for that because the last thing I would want was for anyone to see me at that moment.
“My mom and your dad. That’s good, at least they’ll keep each other company until we can see them again.”
It was my turn to break into a smile.