Saturday, May 9th, 2020
I was going to do something completely irrational today. I was in the mood for it.
Despite leaving my own party early last night, my friends were so drunk that Asher told me no one had gotten suspicious. They all woke up the next morning not remembering a thing.
I hadn't slept very well. I couldn't get the image of Harry's lip against mine out of my head. God, I'd been so stupid. I knew this was all going to end badly but I was still willing to risk everything.
I stare numbly at my right wrist, turning it over to inspect the inside of my arm. I trace the skin lightly, just below where the wrist joins my hand.
I was going to get a tattoo. I hadn't forgotten what Harry had offered me all those months ago. His tattoo was so intricate and detailed and I knew I could trust him to take me to get it done.
I wanted something with meaning. Something like Harry's. At the time I may not have known it, but now it was so obvious that it was about Liam.
About Liam and what my brother did. A gun with roses shooting from the muzzle. Symbolising peace. Symbolising hope.
I needed something like that. Something to get me out of this funk. I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself for once. I needed to numb my thoughts completely.
I play with the necklace Harry gave me nervously, dialling his number. It rings three times and I bite my lip. He wasn't going to—
"Lon?"
I breathe a sigh of relief. Before my nerves get the best of me, I blurt out my response.
"I need a favour. Meet me at mine in five?"
"You're sure about this?"
My knee bounces nervously in the waiting room. A guy sits opposite me, not a bare piece of skin visible. He had ink everywhere. Trees, dragons, girls, the lot. I look away before he catches me staring.
Harry rests a hand on my knee and I stop it from bouncing. He gives me a reassuring smile and I sigh.
"Yeah. I wanna do this. I'm just a bit nervous," I admit.
I could hear the needle working in another room. The loud buzzing fills my ears as Harry makes small talk, trying to distract me.
"Can I have a look at yours again? Just to remember that it's all worth it," I smile timidly.
He outstretches his arm, pulling up his t-shirt slightly. His tattoo appears and I lightly run my fingers over it.
"Dodger's good. Trust me. I've seen some of his other work, too. He doesn't make mistakes. He's a perfect artist."
"Maybe your next tattoo should be #Dodger'snumber1fan," I laugh lightly, pulling his sleeve back down.
"Hilarious," he rolls his eyes. His arm rests against the back of my chair and I'm drawn to it. I purposely sit forward though, knowing that we still hadn't even spoken about what happened last night.
Harry clears his throat and when I watch him from my periphery, I can tell we are both thinking about the same thing. Last night just wasn't a conversation I wanted to have yet.
"So you know what you're getting?" Harry asks.
I'd been up all night thinking about what tattoo to get. After tonnes of research about meanings behind symbols and what they represent, I finally settled on something.
"Yeah. The lotus flower."
I pull out a picture from my bag of the design I liked. I'd printed it off inconspicuously from my dad's office. I didn't know whether my parents would support my decision, but either way, I wasn't going to risk them finding out just yet.
I hand Harry the design and he studies it intently, genuinely interested. "I love it."
The design I'd chosen was simple. I didn't want anything over-the-top or too large. It was an outline of a lotus flower, with three dots in a line at the bottom, decreasing in size as they moved down.
"I googled the meaning behind it all night. It's widely known as the symbol of enlightenment. But it can also represent personal transformation. Online, it said it represents hope that something beautiful can blossom out of suffering, that we too will eventually bloom."
"Sounds like you've thought hard about this," Harry acknowledges, his eyes focused on the design.
"Well, I did just quote to you the exact words from the website," I grin.
"And for a second there I actually thought you were a deep person."
I shove him lightly in the shoulder and he smiles.
"I think my favourite part about it is that it was that no matter where you are on your journey, you should let the lotus remind you to always trust in the unseen path that leads to the sun."
Harry nods, impressed. "You really have memorised the whole website."
"You know it."
We fall into a comfortable silence. The man opposite me is called up by a women with a shaved head. She ushers him into the back room.
"I wonder if he's just completely immune to the pain now."
"I mean, maybe—"
Harry is cut off by a scream. It's coming from the room the man just went into.
"Well," I mumble, "guess that theory just went out the window."
Harry passes me the design and I place it back in my bag.
"So, what made you choose the lotus flower, exactly?"
"It represents personal transformation. Like—"
"I know what the website said, Lon. But you always said the tattoo you wanted had to mean something to you. What does this mean for you?"
He'd stumped me there. I was backed up against a wall and I couldn't move. There was no right answer for him. No answer that would be truthful anyway.
In reality, the tattoo represented what I hoped would become my future. I hoped that all this suffering would bring about something good. I wanted it inked on my skin to remind me on my bad days not to give up.
"I just liked the idea," I smile, tracing the skin where my new found tattoo would be. "I liked the hopeful meaning behind it."
Sceptically, Harry stares across at me. I look away first, my heart hurting. I'd never wanted to be with someone so badly in my entire life.
I felt loved and it terrified me. My heart lurches at the idea of falling for Harry. I hate that everything had become so complicated now.
"London Hall?"
I look up at the man Harry had introduced as Dodger earlier. He gives me a big toothy grin and I notice the gold-plated front tooth he has. He waves me into the room, disappearing behind the door.
I stand up but look back when Harry isn't following.
"I need you," I say, my hand outstretched.
"What?" he whispers.
I gulp. It was clear even to me that my words had two meanings, like a double-edged sword. I shiver at his expression but turn away.
"I, uh, need you to come in with me. Squeeze my hand and all that," I mumble, not meeting his eyes.
"Oh. Yeah. Of course," he stands, placing his hands in the front pocket of his hoodie.
Once I'm in the room, Dodger gets me to sit on a plush, leather reclining armchair. It's almost more like a bed, really. I rest my feet up and try to relax.
Harry takes the seat next to me. My left hand dangles off the chair and I reach for his hand.
"First timer?" Dodger grins, pulling on latex gloves.
"You bet," I mumble, nervously smiling.
"Okay, well, just as a warning, the wrist can be quite a painful place to get a tat. This is because it's a pretty soft and sensitive area of your arm. Also because the wrist generally has more nerves and—"
"I think I'd rather not know," I blurt. "I think, if it's okay, we could just get started?"
Dodger laughs, grinning at Harry. "You're girlfriend here reminds me of when you got yours done, brother. Trying to be fearless."
"Oh, we aren't—"
"She's not—"
"Um," I clear my throat, turning my attention to the ceiling. Harry's grip on my hand becomes slightly clammy. I readjust.
Dodger snickers, turning his back to us. "I'm just going to wash your wrist to prepare for the tattoo."
I nod, turning my wrist over for him. After he finishes, he begins to stencil on the design that I had given him earlier. He wipes the area with an antiseptic and then everything is set.
"You ready?" Dodgers queries, smiling kindly at me.
I look over at Harry. He's smiling encouragingly at me. I grasp his hand tighter. He rubs his thumb reassuringly across my skin.
"I'm ready."
What I envisioned Lonnie's tattoo to look like. Just imagine it on her wrist and slightly larger.
Also, this is what I thought Harry's tattoo would look something like. I got the inspiration from Dove Cameron, actually. It was her tribute tattoo to Cameron Boyce.