17 - For the last night I lie
It was the last night of tour.
Gerard finished his beer in record speed and threw it into the nearby bin. He hadn't had a lot to drink yet, but he'd been doing bumps of coke for the past hour or so, and there was still time for at least one more hit before they went onstage.
Frank had been doing some sort of interview, and then everyone had been packing up their stuff on the bus ready for flying to Japan, so the others hadn't really been keeping close enough an eye on him to notice his frequent bathroom trips.
Mikey had definitely noticed his hands shaking when he was applying his stage makeup. He was trying to do his eyeliner now, using all his strength to keep a steady hand as he rolled the pencil against his waterline before smudging it the perfect amount.
"You doing okay, Gee?" he asked quietly as he flat ironed his hair.
"Of course" Gerard rushed "just the last show of tour, gotta be a good one y'know?"
"It's always a good one" Mikey frowned "you know that, right? You're always incredible up there."
"Thanks Mikes" he gave him his best reassuring grin "so are you."
He'd finished his eyeliner by this point, and leaned back to look at his reflection in the shitty bus mirror. He was happy enough, and practised his most convincing smile before he turned and grabbed his jacket, shrugging it on.
He'd been feeling so fucking low all day, but the coke and beer was starting to take effect, and he knew he'd have enough energy to see himself through the show. The kids in the crowd needed him to be strong, even when he felt at his weakest.
Ray, Frank and Bob were already in the venue, so he waited for Mikey outside the front of the bus, lighting a cigarette to pass the time.
The venue was always a buzz of excitement and mania before shows, but he could tell it was the last night. Everyone was excited for the wrap party, and sad that it was over too. Some were excited to get home to their loved ones, others dreading the mundane life back home off the road.
Gerard wasn't sure how he felt. The tour had certainly been a rocky one - everything that had happened with Bert, his spiralling, Frank.
Frank. They had Tokyo next, but what would happen after that? He hated the thought of returning to his flat in Jersey and sleeping alone again. He hated to think how much he'd end up drinking without Frank there to distract him and pull him away to bed. And he especially hated how scared he was that things would change off the road. He knew Frank cared for him deeply, but would it be enough to put up with all his shit?
"Ready" Mikey snapped him out of his thoughts when he appeared next to him, and Gerard dropped the remains of his cigarette onto the floor, stomping it out with his worn boot.
When they got to their dressing room they found Brian had beaten them there, and was talking to Ray. Bob and Frank were sat on the sofa. Frank had done his own makeup, and Gerard loved how amazing he looked with his eyes rimmed in red, the crosses drawn on in thick eyeliner over each eye. His hair was getting long and falling into his face, and he had to hold back the temptation to just cross the room and brush it away, cup his whole face in his hand and-
"Gerard! Mikey!" Brian was pulling him in for a hug then, distracting his wandering mind.
"Hey Brian" he grinned, trying to resist the restlessness surging through his body.
"I was just saying to Ray what an amazing tour this has been. I think we could probably increase the production budget for the next one too-"
"Can we get pyro?" Frank immediately piped up "you know how much I want pyro Brian."
"I'm aware" Brian rolled his eyes "I was thinking more ticket tape cannons, or some cool lighting backdrops, but I'll have a word and see what I can do."
"We should have dancers" Gerard hummed "maybe some more props..."
"Let me figure out the budget, and then we can brainstorm it properly" Brian laughed "trust you to be the only rock band wanting backing dancers."
"It could work" Ray shrugged "Gerard's artistic vision hasn't failed us yet, and I doubt it ever would."
"Thanks man" Gerard grinned.
"Anyway" Brian pressed on "I need to go check on the other bands, but we're having a huge wrap party tonight. All the bands, all of the crew, all the management, it's going to be fucking awesome. You guys are all coming, right?"
"Of course" Gerard answered immediately, and Bob and Ray nodded in agreement. Mikey and Frank exchanged a quick look between them that Gerard almost missed, but he was in too good a mood to dwell on it right then.
"Yeah, we'll all be there" Frank nodded, almost reluctantly, but Brian didn't dwell on it.
"Great, that's the attitude. Break a leg out there guys" and with that he was gone, no doubt a hundred things on his to-do list.
"5 minutes guys"one of the crew members called into the dressing room.
"I'll be right back" Gerard quickly headed in the direction of the toilet.
"Be quick yeah?" Frank called after him, but at that point he was already ducking into the bathroom. It was small space, and he did genuinely need to pee, but as soon as he was done he fished the bag out of his pocket and his driver's license from the other, making a makeshift line on the side of the grimy sink. He pressed a finger against one nostril and inhaled with the other, feeling the powder shoot up into his brain in seconds, hitting like pure euphoria.
"Gerard?" Mikey called through the door "two minutes till stage."
"Coming now!" He flushed the toilet and shoved the stuff back in his pocket before he opened the door. All his bandmates looked up at him, and there was an atmosphere in the room that told him they had definitely been talking about him in the moments he'd been gone.
"You ok buddy?" Ray asked, seeming almost nervous.
"Of course" Gerard furrowed his eyebrows in confusion "are you?"
"Yeah, yeah, just checking up on you" he rushed.
"I'm fine guys. Come on, last shows always the best one" he grinned and turned to Frank, who gave him a soft smile in return.
"Let's go people!" A stage hand was yelling, and they started to file out towards the wings. Frank hung back, and grabbed him by the elbow before he could pass through the door.
"You've er, got something on your nose Gee" he sighed, and the sadness in his eyes made Gerard's heart falter, the guilt tearing through him as he feverishly wiped away the traces of coke clinging to his nostril.
"Oh" was all he managed. "Frank, I-"
"We can talk about it later" Frank bit his lip "but please, please can we talk about it Gee? I don't want to pry, you know I don't but I can't not talk about it anymore. I need, I need to know you're going to be okay."
"I promise, we'll talk" Gerard gulped shakily "please, please don't be angry Frankie. I can't-"
"Hey" Frank ran his thumb across his cheek "i'm not angry, okay? I just want us to talk about it all. We're fine, okay?"
"Okay" Gerard gulped.
"Frank! Gerard! We're on now!" they heard Ray yell, and then Frank's hand was in his dragging him through the wings, only letting go when he had to grab his guitar and walk on first.
Gerard only had a few seconds to himself, but he used them to take a deep breath and try to steady himself.
Then he was launching himself onto the stage to the deafening screams, letting his high course through him, mixing perfectly with the adrenaline being onstage gave him.
The show went pretty perfectly. All of them were using every ounce of energy in their being, especially Frank. He was throwing himself all over the stage, climbing on Bob's drums, and even crowd-surfed at one point. Ray was shredding, Mikey never missed a note, and Gerard held himself together pretty well. He screamed and sang with everything in his being, because he knew if he just kept going, kept performing, then there would be no time to think about any of the dark thoughts that had been haunting him all day, or the look on Frank's face before the show.
Instead, he focused on the faces in the crowd, and the way they were screaming every word with him. Shows like these were what he lived for. They were the only time he felt truly bigger than himself, truly worth something to everyone in the crowd.
"You've been fucking magical" he yelled "and this is our last song. It's called Skylines and Turnstiles."
He screamed every word with everything he had, and as the last notes of the song rang out around him, he stood still, just taking it all in for a moment.
Of course, the minute he stepped offstage all that energy came crashing down around him, as he was left with the ringing in his ears where the crowd's screams had once been.
He plastered on a smile to high five everyone, and waited for the others to finish putting away their guitars.
"I'm gunna have a shower and then we can go check out this party" Ray said once they were out of the wings.
"Yeah, me too" Frank turned to Gerard "you coming back to the bus?"
"Yeah, that sounds good" Gerard nodded, and Frank instantly relaxed a little "let's go."
*
When they got back to the bus it was a chaotic mix of them all waiting their turn for a few sacred minutes in their shitty bus shower, Mikey trying to make cheese toasties for them all and various people phoning home. Ray was on the phone to his girlfriend, and Frank called his parents briefly, and although Gerard knew he should probably do the same the minute he jumped out the shower and pulled some clothes on he knew all he really wanted was another beer.
"You guys nearly ready?" He asked, hovering by the fridge door.
"Yeah, I'll be two secs" Frank called back from the bunk area.
"cool" he grabbed a beer and opened it, figuring 'two secs' was probably enough time for him to drink a decent amount in. He was nervous to talk to Frank, and although he knew drinking more wasn't a good idea in the long term, it was a very hand short term solution.
"Ready" Frank emerged, looking great in his smashing pumpkins t-shirt, his studded belt holding up his low rise jeans.
"Did you wanna... er, talk?" Gerard made himself make eye contact when he spoke, trying to scan Frank's emotions. He'd said he wasn't angry, but Gerard was terrified he was and was just hiding it.
What if Frank was fed up with him? What if he was just waiting till after tour, or after Japan, and then he'd take a step back? He wouldn't blame him in the slightest, he knew what a mess he was becoming, and yet he also didn't know if he'd be able to go back to living without him by his side all the time.
"Maybe we should save it for the morning" Frank's smile seemed genuine "I mean, you're not sober now, and i've had a fair few beers too, and nights like these tend to be heavy ones. I'm not angry with you, and I don't want to ruin your night."
"It's okay if you're angry" Gerard mumbled, trying to resist the urge to take a swig of his beer "I mean, I shouldn't keep it from you..."
"Hey, it's okay" Frank kissed him gently "just... try not to do anymore tonight yeah?"
"Okay" Gerard nodded, and Frank laced their fingers together.
"Great, let's go have a good night."
*
The party was in full swing, and it was just as wild as Gerard had expected. Luckily, Bert was keeping his distance, and seemed to mainly be on his own tour bus, so he hadn't had to mix with him. Just as well, because Frank was drinking pretty heavily and Gerard did not want any more punches being thrown in his name.
He was pretty drunk, and stood with Ray and Frank as they spoke to one of the opening bands. Every now and then Frank would put an arm round his waist, or give his hand a squeeze in reassurance, but Gerard's stomach was still in knots.
He knew he was being irrational, and yet there he was, mind still racing over his and Frank's relationship at a million miles an hour no matter how much beer he consumed. They hadn't even properly put a label on things, and yet he was going out of his mind thinking about how things would work back in Jersey.
He knew how attractive Frank was. Hell, he'd witnessed countless amounts of people flirt with him no matter where in the world they went. Would he really be enough for him when he could have his pick of anyone he knew?
"I'm gunna go find Mikey" he mumbled to Frank, managing not to slur his words too badly.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Frank asked with a small smile, glancing around the room. They were in a bar opposite the venue, and although there had been a few fans in there when they first arrived most had left by now.
"Nah, it's fine, I think he's in the smoking area."
"Okay" Frank gave his hand a brief squeeze before letting him go.
Gerard stumbled through the crowd and outside, letting the fresh air hit him. It felt great against his flushed drunken skin, and he closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath, steadying himself.
"Hey man" he opened his eyes to see one of the lighting guys watching him from where he stood against the wall "you okay?"
"Oh yeah, fine - it's Joe, right?"
"Yeah" he nodded "you're looking a little peaky."
"I'm fine" he rushed "i'm just looking for Mikey - have you seen him?"
"I think he headed back to the buses" he nodded "not too long ago though - ten minutes or so. I'm sure you could catch him. It's probably best you head back."
"It's the last night of tour, i'm allowed to drink" Gerard snapped a little, but Joe was undeterred.
"I know, just trying to look out for you dude."
"Thanks" Gerard mumbled, suddenly overcome with guilt for snapping at the guy when he was just trying to be friendly. "I'll, er, see you around."
He stumbled across the road and into the venue, completely forgetting to tell Frank he'd left in the process. There weren't many people around, so he decided in his drunk haze to take a walk through it.
He walked out into the main room, standing where mere hours ago hundreds of kids had been pushing and jumping and screaming his lyrics back at him. Now it was silent, the stage dark and empty. The only lights still on were coming from the bar.
He let his legs carry him over to it, and his gaze fell on the fridges, still stocked with drink.
He knew he didn't need to drink anymore.
He knew it, and yet he placed two hands on the bar and hauled himself up, rolling over the sticky worktop and falling messily behind it.
He'd just sneak one beer. It would be funny. Bob would find it funny, right?
Frank won't the voice in his head said, but he pushed it away, and opened the fridge door.
The first beer seemed to disappear the minute it touched his lips, but then he found a small plastic bottle of wine that lasted a little longer. Or at least he thought it did, time was moving at a blurred pace. He was sat on the floor, knees to his chest and empty bottles at his side, trying to remember what exactly it was he'd come here for. Had he been looking for someone? He couldn't really recall.
His eyes were getting heavy where he'd been sat down too long, and as much as he longed for his bunk, and to curl up next to Frank, the bar floor actually seemed surprisingly comfy. 'How weird' he thought to himself 'the floor is a lot more comfortable than they give it credit for.'
He figured he'd just have a nap, just for a little while. Then he'd head back to the bus and find Frank.
He passed out the moment his head touched the ground.
*
Don't fear, next chapter is going up now too!
- H xoxo