"There's dread in my heart and fear in my bones
And I just don't know what to say"
SAM SMITH – 'Pray'
. . .
Waking up was like wading through molasses. Cali hated molasses. Her entire body felt heavy and numb, and her brain didn't seem to want to work properly. Her muted hearing could pick up some sort of dulled talking, but she couldn't differentiate the words. They were just swirly voices. God. she felt like she'd been drugged.
She hadn't been drugged, had she? She didn't remember being drugged. She didn't remember much after drinking her hot chocolate on the couch, the soothing music of the Lilo and Stitch introduction lulling her to sleep.
She groaned, the sound muffled by the fact that her face was smushed into a pillow. Even her tongue felt sluggish. Gingerly, she peeled her eyes open, blinking slowly in an attempt to clear her vision. How long had she slept for? Surely not that long, because she hadn't been woken up for Oliver's-
She sat bolt upright, even as her head spun
Oh my God, Oliver's court case.
"Easy," a voice soothed. "Everything's okay. You've been pretty deeply asleep."
'Malcolm?' Cali meant to ask, except her body still hadn't started working yet, so it came out sounding like, "Mmmlak?"
A hand rested on her shoulder for a moment, and a cold glass was pressed into her hands. She gripped onto it without thinking, her body managing automatic functions even if it couldn't manage thought-driven tasks currently. Robotically, she lifted the glass to her mouth and took a drink. The cold water seemed to kickstart something in her brain.
"Malcolm?" She tried again, blinking again to clear her vision. Slowly, very slowly, things came into focus. The 'swirly voices' turned out to merely be the news, playing quietly on the TV. Malcolm was crouched in front of her, watching her with keen eyes.
"Morning," he greeted easily. "Or late afternoon, I should say."
"Mm," Cali agreed intelligently, draining her glass of water. Her head was still spinning slightly, and the couch dipped and swayed under her, but a pressing anxiety forced her to focus. "Oliver's court case? Did it go okay? Why did you let me sleep? Why didn't Tommy ask for me? Malcolm-"
Malcolm shushed her, taking the glass from her now-trembling hands. "I texted Tommy and said you weren't feeling well. And then I couldn't wake you this morning so I just let you sleep."
"Oh."
She settled back down on the couch, cuddling into the blanket that was settled over her body. Her attention drifted to the TV, which was, coincidentally enough, playing a recap of Oliver's appearance at court that morning.
"As it stands, Oliver Queen's death-in-absentia has been vitiated, resurrecting the young billionaire and releasing him back into civilisation as a living man. Oliver refused to comment about his time away, and made no mention of the loss of his father. What a bittersweet morning the Queen family has faced."
Cali stopped listening, focused solely on the photo of Ollie that was plastered on the screen. Oliver's face was haunted and his lips were tight and thin. Cali had been right. He'd been forced to tell the story, and it had tugged at his carefully maintained tapestry of 'ignoring the problem until it goes away because I'm perfectly fine.'
Oliver was clearly not fine. Cali clearly should have been there for him. Tommy had been. Thea had been. It was Oliver's first week back and Cali was failing at being his friend. Maybe she'd changed too much to stand by him as she once had.
"You can't blame yourself for not being there," Malcolm said quietly. Cali hadn't even known he'd still been in the room. "It's not selfish to look after yourself. You didn't feel well, you were obviously tired. Oliver will understand."
"He shouldn't have to," Cali said, looking down at her hands. "I should have been there for him, no matter what. That's what friends are for."
"Oliver will understand," Malcolm repeated firmly.
Instead of answering, Cali closed her eyes and evened out her breathing until she heard Malcolm walk away.
. . .
"How could I let him do this to me, Tommy?" Cali whispered, staring out the window. Her hair hung sallow and limp, lifeless in colour. She was thin, almost unnaturally so. "I should have known better."
Tommy shifted on his feet, not daring to move any closer. "Don't do that," he said quietly. "Michael knew what he was doing. He drew you in with promises and presents and gentle touches until you were too far gone to notice what was happening until it was too late. That's on him."
"I should have seen it." Cali shook her head, her eyes glittering with tears. "I should have seen it."
. . .
Tommy wandered along, hands in his pockets to avoid fiddling with anything. He was filled with nervous energy - and anger too - and he needed to work it off. Obviously, he and Oliver were already falling out of sync and out of touch if Oliver was prepared to ditch him in a crowd of slobbering paparazzis. Oliver had even ditched his bodyguard, which, fair enough, but seriously? Tommy too?
That was kind of a dick move.
At least it left Tommy free to track down his wayward sister. A phone call to the Starling Public Library had revealed that she hadn't been working today, which was odd because Cali loved working there. There was very little that would keep her away. Not even sickness. Which made her text last night even more concerning.
Tommy didn't know what it was with his family and friends at the moment, but none of them were acting normal and he was starting to wonder if he'd somehow woken up in some alternate reality. You know, a world where he was left on the curb as Oliver dorve a way. A world where his sister disappeared at strange times and then texted him with feeble excuses that didn't match her character at all.
Fuck it, he was going to call her.
The phone rang and rang, and Tommy almost gave up, but then the line connected and all he could hear was a TV and Cali's breathing. "Hey," he said carefully, trying to keep his tone light lest it betray his growing worry. "You alright?"
There was a pause that stretched into an awkward kind of silence. "I'm managing," Cali finally said, and Tommy winced and stopped walking, because she really did sound awful. "What's up?"
"Just calling to check up on you. Wanted to see if you were up for some late lunch."
Cali shifted. "Aren't you with Oliver?"
Tommy laughed joylessly. "Yeah, about that. He left me on the curb after the whole legal resurrection thing. I'm just sort of wandering at the moment." He waited for her response, holding his breath in anticipation. Something was wrong, he could feel it in his bones, and he wanted to get to the bottom of it before it spun out of control. "Cali?"
"Yeah alright." Her answer was resigned, as if she knew she had to agree or Tommy would start war. Really, that wasn't the vibe he was going for, but okay. He'd take what he could get.
"I'll meet you at Miko's in twenty minutes?"
"Sure, Tommy. See you then."
Cali hung up first.
Tommy started walking again.
. . .
"Come on," Tommy pleaded. "I'll shout you lunch at Miko's."
Cali let out a long breath through her nose and shifted on her feet, not loosening her grip on the door. Once upon a time, she would've let him into the apartment without hesitation. Now, it's like he needed a special badge or reason before she'd let him take a step over the threshold.
Finally, she said, "I'd love that Tommy, but Michael already has plans for today. I don't want him to feel like I'm abandoning him."
'It's one dinner,' Tommy wants to say, but instead he just sighs and nods, cramming his hands in his pockets so he doesn't force his way and beat the crap out of his sister's partner. "Alright," he agrees unhappily. "But you can't cancel dinner on Saturday, yeah? It's Laurel's birthday, and she's excited to hang out with you."
Cali almost-smiles. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."
She shows up to dinner with too much make-up and a broken smile, but she tries, for Laurel.
. . .
Cali walks into Miko's with a tired smile, wearing clothes she'd just bought from the shop she'd forced Parker to stop at. After all, she couldn't show up to lunch with her brother in the same clothes she'd been wearing yesterday. She had some self-respect. Unfortunately, it had caused her to be slightly late. A fact which made her cringe when she saw Tommy sitting alone at a table, looking at his phone with a worn-out look on his face.
"Nice to see you, brother mine," she greeted, sliding into the empty chair. "Sorry I'm late."
"Fifteen minutes late, Cali." Tommy didn't look up from his phone, but his shoulders slumped. "I almost thought you weren't coming, but Parker texted and explained that you wanted to wear something nice for lunch."
Parker deserved a raise, Cali thought privately. She picked up a menu. "Have you ordered?"
Finally, Tommy put down his phone. "No," he said. "I was waiting for you. I did get a coffee, however. Hope that's alright?"
Cali bit her lip. "Of course. I'm sorry, Tommy."
Tommy's expression warmed. "All is forgiven," he promised. "Now, let's order and eat because I am starving."
Strangely, so was Cali. It was odd - she rarely got hungry hungry, so to speak. She'd get peckish, and she'd snack, but it was rare that she got hungry enough to crave a hearty meal from a restaurant. Maybe her extended sleep had kick-started her stomach or something. It was unlikely, but not impossible.
Tommy flagged the waitress, who scribbled down their orders with a practised customer service smile. Cali didn't bother learning her name. Nothing she did was really note-worthy enough to make her care about the woman. She was just another employee.
"Apparently Moira just scolded John Diggle," Tommy said, voice dropping to a hushed whisper as if he was a teenage girl spilling some gossip. Cali had to lean forward just to hear him. "You know, the bodyguard? Yeah, apparently Oliver keeps ditching him and Moira's getting frustrated."
Cali rolled her eyes and leaned back in her chair. "I don't blame Ollie," she said. "I like John, but Oliver doesn't need a bodyguard. He's just spent five years alone on an island. Maybe - and here's a fantastical concept for you - he wants to be alone."
Tommy screwed his nose up. "I guess."
"And what do you care?" Cali continued. "John isn't your bodyguard."
Tommy's jaw twitched, belying his sudden switch to a serious mood. "Oliver ditched me too." He didn't look Cali in the eyes when he said that, and she felt something in her chest lurch at the vulnerability on his face.
She reached across the table and grabbed his hand in her own. "That's Oliver's choice," she said. "Don't forget about me. Even if Oliver goes right back out to sea and doesn't come back again for another five years, you still have me."
Tommy smiled. "My daring baby sister."
"Tommy, I'm literally only eleven months younger than you. I'm hardly a baby."
"You're still younger."
"Tommy."
Tommy grinned, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms. He clicked his fingers. "Also! Speaking of John Diggle, he wanted me to give you his number. You know, in case you decide you need a bodyguard, or Oliver gives him the slip and you find him before John does. That sort of thing."'
Cali accepted the slip of paper. "Right." Well, it wouldn't hurt to have a direct line of contact to Oliver's bodyguard if something were to happen. God knows Oliver was bipolar when it came to answering phone calls.
For a moment, she and Tommy sat without speaking, sipping at the complimentary water and eyeing each other warily. A new kind of tension made the silence grow thick and heavy, and it made Cali wonder what kind of secrets they were keeping from each other. Well, she knew what she was keeping from Tommy, but there was something that made her think he was keeping things from her too.
A thread of cunning gleamed in Tommy's eyes. "So," he began, leaning forward. "You feeling better now?"
He was searching for something, some sort of slip up on her part that might give away something. He thought something was happening that she wasn't telling him about. Cali chewed on her lip to hold back her fiery indignation. Tommy wasn't wrong. Cali still hadn't told him about Malcolm. And he had good reason to ask her about keeping secrets - she hadn't told him about Michael until Thea had been put in hospital.
Okay, so maybe Cali wasn't the best at not keeping secrets. Still, she would've thought Tommy would have known better than to challenge her on that front.
She stole his glass of water and took a sip. "I feel much better, thank you for asking." She kept her voice level and relaxed, watching Tommy as carefully as he was watching her. To be fair to herself, Tommy was obviously keeping secrets as well, so he had no right to push her. "How have you been?"
Tommy just kept watching her, mouth twisted into some sort of pained half-smile. "I've been better," he admitted heavily, surrendering the silent battle between them. "I just...Oliver."
Cali hummed. "It's strange, isn't it, seeing him again?"
Tommy sagged in his chair. "He's so different."
Cali opened her mouth to respond, but the waitress from before hurried over with a tray balanced precariously on her hands. Hurriedly, without much effort or care, the girl threw their plates down in front of them and bustled off again, a stressed frown pinching the skin between her eyebrows.
"Right." Cali sighed and picked up a slightly soggy chip. Damn. Miko's was usually so good with their food and their service. Maybe today was an off day. Cali could relate, honestly. "Tommy, I don't-"
"He's been through so much, I know." Tommy's entire voice sharpened. "I have to give him time, and I have to be careful with my words and I have to be patient. I know, Cali. But I don't see why I should keep trying if it's not working."
Cali had to be careful here. Tommy when he was upset was...volatile. He had a temper to match Malcolm's, except Tommy's anger was venomous. Malcolm was fire and fury, but Tommy would hiss poisonous words and spit cruel lies until his target was shattered inside. Cali knew firsthand.
And now...Oliver's return has yanked at a thread inside her brother, and now he was unravelling, thinning, losing himself to this constant swirling confusion and anger and grief. Maybe it would have been better if Oliver had stayed dead to them. All he'd achieved by returning was hurting everybody who loved him.
"Tommy," she said carefully, "there's no handbook for a trauma like Oliver's. I'm not sure Oliver himself knows what's happening in his own head. Everyone is floundering. Thea is spinning out of control because she doesn't know how to adjust to having a brother again. Quinten and Laurel are looking at Oliver and they see a reminder of Sara. You're struggling with trying to see where your Oliver has gone, because he isn't there anymore. That's okay."
"No it's not!" Tommy gritted his teeth. "I'm being selfish, I know, but I'm so tired of chasing after someone who doesn't exist anymore. I'm over it. The Oliver I grew up with would never have left me behind."
"The Oliver you grew up with is gone."
"I know that, Calissa!"
"Well clearly you don't!" Cali slammed her cutlery down, abandoning her food. She was trying to understand her brother, trying to help him, but he wasn't listening. "You are so stuck on the old Oliver that you're blind to the fact that five years alone on an island will change someone, usually in the worst of ways."
"He wasn't on the island! He wasn't!"
"Tommy, he was. He didn't go to Hong Kong, he didn't hide from us. He was trapped on an island, alone, and he suffered for five years."
Tommy shook his head, laughing bitterly. "You don't understand," he said lowly. "This person that's walking around - it isn't Oliver."
Cali stood up. "No. No it isn't Oliver. It's a man who has been through something terrible, whose friends are giving up on him. I won't shun him. Not like you."
"Where were you last night?" Tommy stood up as well, hands on the table between them. His eyes were blazing with anger. For a second, just the briefest inhale, Cali looked at him and saw Michael. She stepped back. "Oliver said you were fine, but he said you weren't at your apartment. He said you were staying at a friend's house."
She scoffed. "You sent Oliver after me? What, are you stalking me now?"
"I was worried. But you weren't home. You don't have many friends, Cali. Where were you?"
Tell the truth or lie? Cali felt impossibly caged. If she lied to Tommy, she was going to splinter something between them. But if she told him about Malcolm...Who knew what would happen. Tell the truth or lie?
Tell the truth or lie?
"I went home," she said finally, tone coloured with shame and defiance in equal measure. "I went home, and I sat down with Malcolm, and I forgave him."
Tommy went white.
"You-" He choked on the accusation, betrayal evident in every muscle. She'd hurt him by going to Malcolm. She'd hurt him badly. "You forgave him? For what? For leaving?"
She raised her chin. "Everyone deserves a chance to grieve."
Tommy made a strangled noise. "You're defending him?"
"He's our father."
"And he left!" Tommy's eyes were lit up with fury. "He left! We were eight and he walked away. Why should I forgive him for abandoning us for two years?"
"I'm not asking you to forgive him, Tommy. I'm just saying that I am tired of having a family that's constantly at war with each other. It's exhausting and frustrating, and just maybe, I wanted my dad."
Tommy shook his head and straightened up, adjusting his jacket and putting some money on the table. "Well," he said coolly, "if you love him so much, then I suppose you better run back to him and let him coddle you. Because I am done, Cali. I am done with Oliver, and I am done with you. I'm done."
Tommy was the one to walk away.
Cali sat back down, staring down at her plate and just trying to breathe. She'd been so afraid of this for so long, and now she'd gone and ruined the one good thing in her life all on her own. She was the one she should be afraid of.
Michael hadn't been the one to ruin her life. She'd been the one to stay with him, to lie to her friends and family, to accept it and let him do it and not fight back.
Cali was the one who was methodically tearing apart her life and her happiness, and maybe Tommy was right for letting it happen. You couldn't help someone who didn't want to be helped.
She pulled her phone out mechanically, dialling the first number she managed to focus on. Hopefully, she was calling someone who could go after Tommy and make sure he was okay. "Hello?"
"Laurel," Cali said tightly. "Hey. I need you to find Tommy and stay with him for a little while. Please?"
Laurel's voice rose in pitch. "Why, what's happening?"
Cali swallowed. "I was stupid, we fought, and he said he's done with me. I don't blame him, and I'm not angry, but I'm worried about him. Please just check on him?"
"It sounds like you're asking me to check on the wrong sibling."
"Laurel." Cali wasn't afraid of begging. Her dignity was already in tatters. Why not completely shatter it? "Please."
Laurel sighed heavily. "Alright. But I want you to go find Thea. I don't think you should be alone right now either."
"Okay," Cali agreed. "Thank you."
She hung up.
. . .
To his credit, Parker didn't ask any difficult questions. He drove swiftly, and kept quiet, and Cali appreciated that more than she could say. Never had Parker judged her, or scorned her, and told her she was being stubborn or silly. He just offered her chocolate sometimes and never hesitated to pull into McDonald's whenever she asked.
Tommy had done that and more. Now his name just left a chalky taste on her tongue.
God, how long had it been since she'd had a serious fight with her brother? Not since Oliver's boat had sunk, surely. No, they'd had one after that. They'd fought about Michael. That was nearly three years ago. And Tommy hadn't walked away, he'd pushed harder and harder until she'd been forced to confess everything.
She exhaled slowly and let her head thump against the window. "What am I going to do, Parker?" She asked miserably. "I've ruined everything."
Parker hummed. "Your brother loves you very much, Miss," he said easily. "I doubt that anything could separate you two for good."
"Yeah. Okay."
Cali found that it was impossible to believe him. Parker hadn't seen the look in Tommy's eyes before he'd walked away. The way his voice had cracked when she admitted to visiting Malcolm...she may have completely ruined any chance of peace between her and her brother. Tommy could forgive her for a lot of things, but his hatred for Malcolm Merlyn outweighed his love for her.
Cali closed her eyes. She refused to start crying. God, it was only an argument, why was she so close to breaking down over it? Stupid, it was stupid to cry now. She was weak, Micahel was right. She was weak and stupid and-
"We're here, Miss Cali." Parker's voice was professional, but still somehow gentle. How long, Cali wondered, until he walked away from her too? "Would you like me to escort you?"
"No thank you," Cali answered, peeling her eyes back open and readying herself to get out of the car. "I need to take these steps myself."
"Of course."
Cali opened the car door slowly, forcing herself not to hesitate before stepping out and starting the daunting walk up to the door of the Queen Mansion. She didn't know why she was struggling so much with this - there would be no judgement from her other family. Moira treated her like a daughter and Thea loved her like a sister. Oliver...well, Oliver cared for her in some capacity. That was enough.
Raisa was already opening the door and welcoming her in before Cali had stopped and raised a hand to knock. "Miss Lance called," the maid explained at Cali's quizzical look. "She sounded worried. We got worried as well."
Cali smiled warmly, and let the woman fuss over her jacket. "Tommy and I fought," she said evenly. Raisa didn't even flinch. "I told him that I went...I went and visited my father and forgave him for leaving us."
That got Raisa to falter, and Cali's jacket caught on her arms as Raisa stopped tugging. Cali slid it off herself. "Ah," the woman clucked. "Your brother has many good qualities, Calissa, but his darker side is nurtured by his hatred for his father. I worry for them both."
"Malcolm can handle himself."
Raisa shook her head. "Malcolm is vulnerable around family. He's sensitive to Tommy's anger. You have done the right thing, forgiving him. Now you may grow."
Cali took a second to try and regain her composure. What a spectacular woman. "Thank you, Raisa," she said genuinely, and Raisa stepped forward and drew her into a tight hug. She said nothing more but her touch said it all. Cali was safe there, in the mansion with Oliver and Moira and Thea and Raisa and even Walter. They had her back.
Raisa pulled away after another moment, taking a deep breath and taking Cali's jacket. "Mr Queen will return shortly," she said. "I will go and prepare some hot chocolate for you both."
"Oh, that's not necessary," Cali protested, but before her words could really have any effect, Oliver's deep voice resonated from the stairs.
"Thank you, Raisa." His smile, though genuine, was slightly strained and hurting. Cali fought the urge to sigh. The men in her life were almost more emotionally unstable than her. That was a hard feat to accomplish, and yet Tommy and Oliver were having a fair go.
Why was her life this complicated?
Cali was already moving to meet Oliver at the bottom of the stairs when Raisa murmured something about getting some afternoon tea and slipped away. Oliver's smile slipped away with her, and by the time he and Cali were face to face, his shoulders were slumped and defeat was evident in his expression. He looked tired.
"Oliver," Cali greeted quietly.
He nodded. "Cali. Raisa told me about Laurel's call. What happened?"
"I would've thought you'd know already. You and Tommy are close enough."
Oliver chuckled dryly. "I've been a little...preoccupied," he said. "If Tommy's tried to contact me, I haven't had a chance to notice. And all Laurel said was that you two had a fight, and it was bad." At that, Oliver's entire posture softened, and he reached for Cali's arm in an attempt to soothe. "Are you okay?"
Cali didn't mean to. She swore she didn't. It was just...Michael had always grabbed at her for some reason or other, and it was usually followed by some form of punishment. And she knew Ollie, knew that he wouldn't hurt her, but she flinched away anyway. Guilt made her stomach flip when Oliver's face went blank, his mouth tightening in displeasure.
Damn, she thought she was over this. Tommy had spent months trying to get her to stop shying away from simple touches. She had no idea why she was reverting back to her old habits now. Maybe the fight with Tommy had unsteadied her more than she'd initially thought.
"I'm not afraid of you," she blurted when Oliver drew back, standing rigidly. "I promise I'm not. I just....get frightened by touch sometimes. It's a weird quirk of mine, I guess."
Oliver swallowed and glanced away, focusing on a spot just over her right shoulder for a moment. The look in his eyes said that he was finally figuring something out, that this incident was the final piece of a rather complex puzzle. The horrible sinking feeling in her stomach made her wonder if the disgust that curled at his lips was for her. Nobody liked a weak woman.
"I'm sorry for startling you," Oliver said eventually. "I should have known."
"No, Ollie. It's not your fault. I'm just jumpy."
But Oliver's mask had already settled back in place now, fixed firmly over his face. Now he was smiling pleasantly, face vacant. His eyes though...they were awash with eddying, swirling emotions. Oliver had never been able to hide what he was feeling, not entirely. It was always his eyes that betrayed him.
"We should go and see if Raisa's made those hot chocolates," Oliver said faux casually, moving to put his hands in his pockets. "I could really use one right now, and I'm sure I remember you being addicted to them when we were younger."
Ah, an invitation to forget about what just happened. Alright, Cali could work with that. It was better than Oliver rejecting her company outright. "Raisa's hot chocolates were my only reason for living," she agreed, looping her arm through his as they started to amble through to the living room. Oliver shifted his posture slightly to allow the change, the tension draining from his shoulders as she initiated the touch.
"Remember when you, me and Tommy snuck down to the kitchen late one night to try and make some of our own?" Oliver shook his head, something fond softening his face again. "We completely wrecked the kitchen. Mom was so mad at us."
Cali huffed smugly. "She was mad at you and Tommy. I got off scott-free."
"You've always been Mom's favourite."
"I highly doubt that, Ollie. I'm not even one of her children."
"That's why you were her favourite."
Cali nudged him gently. "That's not fair," she said lightly. "Tommy isn't hers either."
Oliver smiled, shifting their linked arms so he was holding her a little tighter. "Ah, but Tommy was the one who kept encouraging me to punch the paparazzi. You just made me buy you food."
Oh, Cali had asked so much more of him than that, but if he wasn't going to mention then neither would she. Maybe he was ashamed of it, or he thought that if he said anything about it, then she would think it was an invitation to keep going and he wasn't ready for that.
It was just that her nightmares had always been so vivid and her headaches had been so painful. Oliver's constant vigilance had always been her saving grace, despite his playboy attitude and complete lack of care for anything else in his life. Cali and Tommy had always been an exception to that. It had driven Thea mad with jealousy.
Of course, Oliver had never meant anything by it, and Cali knew that most of the time it was just inconvenient and Oliver only offered her comfort because he would face the wrath of Moira Queen if he didn't.
It said something, didn't it, that Moira Queen had always cared about Calissa more than her own damned father.
"Do you still get the nightmares?" Oliver asked, and Cali blinked. Huh, maybe they were going there after all. Did she want to go there? Oliver had always been her person, but how could she tell him that Tommy had stepped into that role during the five years Oliver had been gone? How could she admit that she'd fallen apart pathetically, and it had taken Tommy far too long to put her back together again?
She was spared from answering when they entered the living room and found Raisa setting out a plate with biscuits and lamingtons and small cakes. Two mugs of hot chocolate were already sitting on the table, steam curling in the air. Cali eyed the spread appreciatively. "This looks devine, Raisa," she complimented. "Thank you."
Oliver echoed her sentiments, and they de-linked their arms so they could comfortably sit down at the table. His eyes flitted over the food dismissively, fingers curling around the warm mug in front of him. "Mm." He hummed after taking a sip. He beamed at Raisa. "Always with the twist of peppermint. You have magic, Raisa."
She bobbed her head. "No magic, Mr Queen. Only secret recipe and good hands."
"Sounds suspiciously like magic."
Raisa laughed, and Oliver's grin got so wide and bright that it almost hurt Cali to look at it. Good, it was so good that there was someone who could make him light up like that after being isolated for five years. And yet, something ugly licked it's way up Cali's throat at the pure adoration in Oliver's eyes. What was so special about Raisa? Why could she connect with this Oliver so easily?
What was she doing so right? What was Cali doing so wrong?
"I will leave you both to your hot chocolate." Raisa bowed slightly before bustling away, humming cheerily to herself. Oliver watched her go.
Cali tore her gaze away and reached for a plain chocolate biscuit to dip in her drink. Perhaps she shouldn't have come here. Her fight with Tommy, while damaging, shouldn't have pushed her as far as it had. She could've just gone home, or gone back to Malcolm. That's what Tommy had told her to do. Clearly, Oliver was having his own troubles. She had no right to be adding to them.
Oliver took another drink of hot chocolate. Cali finished her biscuit. "What happened while I was gone?" Oliver asked suddenly, being careful not to meet her eyes.
Cali took a breath and stared down at her drink. Tiny biscuit crumbs floated in the liquid, half-submerged in the remaining cream. "That's a generalised question, Ollie." She chuckled weakly. "Gotta be a little more specific than that."
Oliver inhaled deeply. "With you. What happened with you, to you, that's changed you so much? And don't say that it was nothing. There was clearly something. You...You're different, and Tommy keeps insisting that it's your story to tell, but you keep not telling me, and...." He trailed off, pinching his lips together in frustration before sighing. "I don't know how to act around you, and I can't keep not knowing, Cali."
It was a totally fair question. Oliver deserved to know, especially since Thea had been involved and Thea was his sister after all, not Cali's. He was right on the front that Cali had changed, and it wasn't fair to leave him hanging with no explanation. She was skittish, and he obviously didn't know how to react to that. It wasn't fair of her to force him to play this tangled version of hop-scotch.
She tapped her mug with a nail nervously, silently warring with herself over what to say, how much to reveal, and how to actually tell him. "I made a mistake," she began slowly. "I didn't tell anyone about it for two years and people got hurt because of it. Well, I got hurt and-" she took a deep breath, "-Thea ended up in hospital."
Oliver straightened in his seat. "What?"
Cali squeezed her eyes together. This was okay. Oliver deserved to know. And she wouldn't fault him for being angry with her. She knew that what she'd done was stupid, and she regretted it. Oliver was allowed to be angry at her. Oliver was allowed to be angry at her, she wouldn't freak out.
"His name was Michael," she said flatly. "He didn't like people prying into our relationship. On our anniversary, Thea said some things to him and he got angry and pushed her down the stairs. I broke up with him, he didn't take it well - there was a whole incident. I told Tommy everything after Quinten had arrested Michael and taken him away."
"I see." Oliver's voice was low and quiet and intense. She couldn't gauge his emotions. Panic flickered to life in her chest, and her tapping increased. God, she'd forgotten what this was like - admitting that she'd been so stupid.
Oliver was allowed to be angry at her. She'd endangered Thea, put the Queen girl in hospital. Oliver had a right to be angry.
"He's in jail now," she added, as if that would make any difference.
Oliver steepled his hands in front of his mouth, eyes trained solely on the table in front of him. "You were in an abusive relationship and you didn't tell anyone until Thea was involved."
"No," Cali said immediately. Oliver finally dragged his attention to her face and he raised a disbelieving eyebrow. Cali flushed. "It wasn't abuse," she explained, trying to ignore Oliver's rapidly changing facial expressions. "Michael lost his temper and hurt Thea and that was unforgivable."
"But he hurt you too."
"He never meant to." Cali managed not to flinch at Olvier's dead laugh. She raised her chin. "It wasn't abuse, Ollie. We just weren't right for each other."
For a long moment, Oliver just studied her. His lips were downturned, face carefully blank even as his green eyes stumbled through a myriad of emotions. He'd already been through so many moods since she'd arrived - it was if he was trying to cycle through his whole catalogue of emotions as though that would prove that he could still be a normal person around them.
He was still trying to prove himself, and prove that he could be himself.
"During my five years away," Oliver said slowly, "your name kept me going. I always swore that I'd be strong no matter what, just like you. You've never had the best life, but you always had a smile for me, and I needed that strength to-to survive."
"And now you're disappointed that I became so weak while you were gone?"
Oliver's lips quirked into a strange half-smile. "No. I'm proud of you for making yourself even stronger."