I didn't go back to school after the appointment. My parents decided that I would be staying with my grandma till the new year, and thankfully my teachers were all very understanding of the sudden absences. They sent my finals and assignments for me to complete, which my dad picked up at the end of the week to drop off at school.
It was nice spending time with my grandma. She never tried to understand why all of this was happening with me. She focused more on how she could distract me from the horrors my mom liked to bring up on occasions when she came to take me to Dr. Felland's for my appointment.
All nice things had to come to an end though. School started again after this weekend. I was going back to live with my parents and Billy. I knew my mom was going to freak when she came to get me. I had decided to completely change my hair and go for a long bob look. My blood red nails would be something she would have a fit about too. She hated the color and she always assumed it represented my mood.
I had decided to completely detox myself from everyone. I didn't get back to Theo or Tess at all since the day the big episode happened. I even got a message from Dexter at some point in my trip. I guess my grandma had mentioned to his mom that I was staying with her and he mentioned he wanted to visit. I never got back to him though. I wasn't ready to revisit memory lane with him or receive the look of pity I always manage to get from anyone who knew my situation. I sat in the family room waiting to see my mom's car drive up. My dad had taken my things back Friday night when he came to visit. He always made time to come see me at least once a week to continue our ritual. He appreciated the hair cut. He said change was good.
***
"Bye dad," I said, closing the door of his SUV.
We had all agreed that it was best my dad brought me back to school. My mother was completely in disagreement, but my dad insisted that he needed to do this to feel like I was okay. I waved as he drove off and then made my way to my locker. I turned my combination into the lock, but as soon as I pulled it open quite a few envelopes fell onto the floor.
"What in the world?" I questioned as I got onto my knees to pick them up. I set my bag on the ground when I realized that these envelopes were addressed to me in Theo's handwriting.
I looked over my shoulder and around before opening the first envelope up.
"I'm so sorry, Lauren," he had written on a small piece of blank paper. I flipped it over hoping it said more, but that was it.
I opened the one behind it, "I miss you. I wish you would answer one of our text messages. It would be nice to just know you're okay."
I stood up and opened the third one. "I almost relapsed last night. Tess caught me though. She's angry. Lauren, just answer your phone, please."
That's when someone cleared their throat behind me. I turned around immediately to see Tess.
"You're back," she pointed out with disdain in her voice.
I nodded. "Yeah. My parents had me go on break early."
"Well you and them made quite a scene the day you disappeared. All anyone could talk about for days."
I felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't realized that we had an audience.
"I figured," I lied as I placed the letters into my locker. I pulled out my Literature anthology and shut it.
She chuckled in disbelief. "Did they seriously move you into general English?"
"I asked to be moved. I get it. Believe me, Tess. I feel the same way," I replied.
"You don't get it. My brother is my best friend and you hurt him. He tried to hurt himself because of you. You're nothing but bad energy and not just for him."
"Well get in line, Tess. I hurt a lot of people, but believe me when I say none of it I meant to do. I never intended to impact your brother the way I did. I tried to push him away, but he has a tendency to push back. Do me a favor before we become not friends. Tell him not to leave notes in my locker, please. It'll make all of this a lot easier," I said as I took a step back.
What I hadn't realized was that I had stepped back into a person. I turned around to see Theo standing behind me. I looked at Tess who looked just as blank as I did.
"Hi Lauren," he greeted when he realized I had lost my ability to speak, "It's good to see you doing okay."
"Ex-excuse me," I stuttered as I made my way around him.
I tried my best to get lost in the crowd, but Theo never gives up that easily.
"Lauren, wait up!" he called as I pushed through a couple who was holding hands.
I made a sharp turn into the hallway the library was in. Before I could reach the door though he caught my hand in his. I pulled away and shook my head no as I turned to face him.
"What is up with you?" he chuckled awkwardly as he slipped his hands into his jacket pockets, "You cut your hair. Why would you go and do that?"
"Theo, we need to stay away from each other. We're toxic people and toxic plus toxic does not equal positivity. I want to get better and so do you. We can't do that if we're invested in each other. You need to keep your distance and I'll keep mine."
"You can't be breaking up with me, Lauren. We hit a road bump, we're both doing fine. At least I am," he said as he tried to close the space between us.
"Well I'm not," I lied as I stepped back.
"Then let me help you," he insisted.
I shook my head no. "Last time you tried to help you ended up lying about your situation and my actions caused the consequences I've endured the past couple of weeks. This was all wrong to begin with. You're a great guy, Theo, but this will not work."
"Why? Because Tess said so? She's infatuated with a boy who has no interest in her but maybe sex. She thinks we're toxic? She needs to take a minute to look in the mirror."
"She's not the one, Theo," I raised my voice, "I had time to realize we were. You have a severe addiction to multiple things and I just can't handle that with my own situation. I'm sorry, but we are done. I am no longer in your class and I have to have supervised lunches for the next couple of weeks so you won't have to worry about seeing me then either."
"Ren, no," he insisted as he took my hand into his.
"I saw someone else over break," I lied.
He let my hand fall back onto my side. "What?"
"An old friend from New York. He came to visit me at my grandmother's house and at the club we attended regularly," I said as I looked up at him.
I did my best to muster an innocent, but guilty face. After watching Naomi plenty of times, you would think I could master it by now.
"Why? We were still together, Lauren. You didn't mention a break up till now. I called and texted and I got no response from you. You cut me off."
I prayed the bell would ring already.
"Lauren, answer my question," he said through gritted teeth, "Why would you see someone when you damn well knew I still believed we were seeing each other?"
"I'm sorry, but I don't have an answer for you," I admitted.
He slid his hand through his hair. He always did that when he was upset or annoyed. "Do you plan to see him again?"
"I don't know," I whispered.
"Then don't. You don't have to. Leave it there and focus on what we have here."
"I wish I could say yes, Theo. I want to say yes, but it's wrong," I replied as I dug my fingers into my palm.
He closed the space between us and slid his hand underneath my jaw. I tried to pull back, but he was quick to tuck his fingers behind my neck. We held a gaze for a moment. The last time I had looked into his eyes they were empty. They were looking for substance. Today they looked as bright as they did the day he asked me what my name was. He smelled less of cigarette and more of toothpaste, which was something new.
"Theo," I said softly as we continued to stare at each other, "If we try to do this again and that is if we do. I want you to stay out of my recovery or relapse. You cannot keep tabs of where I am and no more lies."
"Okay," he agreed as the bell finally went off.
I was about to sigh in relief, but he pressed his lips against mine.
I pushed away and shook my head no. "I need to go find the new English class they have me in, Theo. I'll see you later."
"I'll text you," he clarified as I stepped back.
I nodded and then turned my back away from him.