THE MOMENT I woke up from my recent attack, I knew... something in me significantly changed. I don't know how... Yet, I know Who restored me in a snap of His fingers.
Habang nag-aayos si Aya ng mga gamit na isasama ko sa pag-uwi mula sa ospital ay naglabas siya ng isang Ipod.
"Listen to this..." nakangiti niyang sabi. Inilagay ang earphone sa tainga ko.
I closed my eyes as I listen to the song... A song that will always remind me why my Heavenly Father chose to give me more time to break the remaining chains that is binding me...
All that I am, all that I have...
I lay them down before you, oh Lord.
All my regrets, all my acclaims,
the joy and the pain, I'm making them Yours...
***
"SANTINO, your last attack could have been the end, but we were able to revive. May nakakita sa'yong security guard sa hospital chapel. Nakasandusay ka daw sa sahig. He was able to take you to ER in time."
Tumango ako. "Who's the security guard? I want to give my thanks to him." And even give him a little reward for the help.
I don't exactly remember the heart attack. Wala naman akong naramdamang kahit ano. I was just praying...
"I'll ask the nurses about him. Mamayang gabi pa yata ang duty. Anyway, I just want to be honest with you," Josias took out a medical chart. "Your heart is performing well. But one last attack and it will be... over, Santino."
Tumango ako. Handa naman akong mamatay kahit anong oras... Aya will come through eventually. Nagulat lang ang asawa ko, pero kung mas ihahanda ko siya...
"If ever you'll survive another attack, it won't go well. Puwedeng mabuhay ka pero hindi na makakakilos, makakapagsalita... Sa ngayon, continue to observe changes in your body. Once you felt anything, call me. It could be the aftermath of the attack."
"Thank you, Josias."
"I'll sign your discharge slip. You can rest at home."
"Thank you, Dr. Valleroso," pasasalamat ko ulit rito. "Thank you to you and your father. Since then, both of you were looking after my family."
"Just doing our job, Mr. Delos Santos." Josias gave me a salute. "Do not waste this another chance to live."
I won't.
"By the way," naalala ko bago umalis. "I heard your son is going to marry my daughter?"
Ang bigat ng buntong-hininga nito. "Inaasahan ko nang makakarating sa'yo. I'm sorry I don't bring it up."
"Kung ganoon ay matutuloy iyon?"
Nagkibit-balikat ito. "Magulo pa ang arrangement, Santino. Hindi ko pa masabi dahil mukhang hindi magkasundo ang dalawa gayong noon pa man ay magkakilala na pala sila." Tinanggal nito ang suot na salamin. "Nagmana sa iyo ang iyong anak. Matigas ang ulo."
"That's Christeena Blair. I hope you'll be patient with her if the marriage pushes through..." bilin ko rito.
"Magulo ang kabataan ngayon." Napailing ito. "Anyway, I'll update you if the two have decided."
"Josias, treat my daughter as your own."
Napaangat siya ng tingin sa'kin.
"You're a good man. I bet you're a great father, as well. Iparamdam mo sa anak ko ang hindi ko nagawa—ang maging ama sa kanya..."
"I don't understand... Nagbibilin ka ba?"
Umangat ang gilid ng labi ko. "If Blair's going to be your daughter-in-law, please ask your son to love her right. To be very patient with her. She's annoying, but she's the sweetest girl."
Kung ano mang ipinapakitang ugali sa'kin ni Blair, ang mga pang-iinis niya... alam kong hindi iyon ang totoong siya. I know that somewhere... deep inside her heart, my little Blair is hiding. That sweet, innocent little girl who keeps on waiting for me to visit her...
Paglabas ko ng opisina ni Josias ay naghihintay na si Aya sa labas ng pinto.
"Magiging mag-balae pala kayo ni Doc?"
"You're eavesdropping, again."
She giggled, covering her mouth with her hand. "Anyway, Josias' family is well known to be very respectable and faithful. I hope they can influence Blair to come to Christ..."
I softly smiled. I touched Aya's arm, sliding my hands until I reached hers. "Never give up on Blair, too, alright?"
Tumango ito. "I won't but..." Biglang nangilid ang luha sa mga mata nito. "H-Huwag ka munang magbilin, S-Santi..."
"At saka..." Binitiwan niya ang kamay ko. Nagpalinga-linga. "Ang daming dumadaan na mga tao." She gently pushed me forward. "Mauna ka na ngang maglakad!"
He doesn't want me to see her cry, again...
Nauna na lang ako maglakad habang nakasunod siya sa'kin. Bago ako umuwi ay dumaan muna ako sa hospital room ng anak ko.
I was able to move my whole body six hours after I woke up yesterday. Ang una kong ginawa ay puntahan ang anak ko.
Marahan kong hinaplos ang buhok ni Ibarra.
"Nakipag-ugnayan na sina Josias sa mga doktor ni Bari sa Amerika," sabi ni Aya. "They already have Bari's medical records and studied it. Sabi nila, baka bukas magising na siya..."
Yumuko ako at pinagtama ang mga noo namin. Pinikit ko ang aking mga mata.
Panginoon, palakasin Niyo ang anak ko. I know how it's going to be very painful for him to face reality once he wakes up. Yet ever since, You are within him and he's with You...
I kissed his forehead before leaving.
"Don't tell him about my attack... It's the last thing he needs to worry about."
Aya nodded. "Sa tingin mo ay tuluyan na silang naghiwalay ni Czarina?"
"I hope not, but..." Nasabi ko na kay Aya ang nasaksihan ko nang gabing iyon. "Just let Ibarra tell you the details once he wakes up."
"Okay..."
"I have to go home. I need to rest."
"Sigurado kang papasok ka na agad sa trabaho bukas?" paninigurado ni Aya habang hinahatid niya 'ko sa sasakyan.
Tumango ako. "I won't overwork. I'll just do the important stuff. Dadalaw ako bukas ng gabi."
"Alright... Are you sure you're strong enough to go back to work? Is your heart really okay?" nag-aalalang tanong pa din ng asawa ko.
Hinarap ko siya. "My heart has never been this better, beauty." I reassuringly smiled at her.
Napalabi siya. "Ngumingiti ka na palagi mula pagkagising mo kahapon... Ikaw pa rin ba ang asawa ko? O anghel ka na? Ibalik mo naman si Santino, o."
I pointed my lips and gently tapped it. Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Aya at napatingin sa paligid ng parking lot. "Ang daming tao!"
I tapped my lips, again. "Come on, baby."
"Hmp!" Tumalikod siya bigla. "Kung sino ka mang malambing na espiritung sumapi sa asawa ko, ibalik mo na siya bukas!" aniya at patakbong bumalik sa loob ng ospital para bantayan ang anak namin.
Silly, silly woman. Napailing-iling na lang ako.
Sumakay na 'ko sa loob ng sasakyan. May driver na maghahatid sa'kin pauwi.
When I got home, I went straight to the bedroom. The first thing I did was kneel and pray hard to my God.
In my sleep, the song keeps playing in my mind.
Lord, I offer my life to you...
Everything I've been through, use it for Your glory...
I got another chance to live... I got another chance to obey Him.
***
HINDI ganoon kabigat ang mga kailangan kong asikasuhin. Gayunpaman, habang nagta-trabaho ay walang kahit anong sumpong ng katawan ang naramdaman ko. I was able to work straight and finish things even before the office hours ended.
"Gaea," tawag ko sa sekretarya ko.
Napatuwid ito ng tayo at hindi makapaniwalang napatitig sa'kin. "S-Sir?"
Binigay ko sa kanya ang isang folder. "Why do you look surprised?"
"Ahm, Sir, ngayon n-niyo lang po kasi ako tinawag sa pangalan ko magmula nang pumasok po ako ngayong taon..."
"Ah, I see." I smiled at her. "Forgive me. It takes time for me to be comfortable with new people." Kaedad din ito ni Blair kaya hindi ko alam kung paano ba tamang pakitunguhan ang henerasyon nila. Because of that I was always formal to her. And also,
"I was used to having Darlin for three decades, so it was kind of hard to accept for me that she was replaced. But, you're efficient in your work, too, Gaea. Hindi ako kahit kailan nakarinig sa'yo ng reklamo."
"S-Salamat po, Sir." Nakatingin pa rin siya sa'kin, gulat pa rin ang nasa mga mata o amusement? "N-Ngumingiti po pala kayo, Sir Santino." Napangiti rin ito. "Mas bumabata po ang itsura niyo kapag nakangiti."
"I've heard. Thank you." Tumayo na 'ko at inayos ang suot kong coat. "I'll be going. You can leave early, too."
Napakurap ito. "Hindi niyo po ako iiwanan ng maraming-marami pang trabaho, S-Sir?"
Umiling ako. "Hindi na. I suggest you take a leave next week since I'll be out of the country. Spend time with your family instead."
"Thank you po, Sir! Thank you!" Nagningning ang mga mata nito. "God bless you, Sir!"
Pagbisita ko sa ospital ay hindi pa rin nagigising ang anak ko. Although, Ibarra's heart is responding well.
"Deep sleeper talaga siya," biro ni Aya. "Hindi siya nagigising hanggang sa gusto niyang magising... Remember when there was an earthquake that happened in Metro? Nakalabas tayong lahat ng bahay, pero tulog na tulog pa rin siya?"
I chuckled. "Our son always need this kind of rest. Deep and peaceful. He may be enduring a lot of things when he's awake. This is his only escape..." I run my fingers through my sleeping son's hair.
"Bibisita yata si Blair ngayon. Would you like to wait for her?"
I feel hesitant. Anong sasabihin ko? Hindi ko pa ulit nakausap si Blair mula nang huli... Hindi ko pa rin naisip kung ano na ang dapat kong sabihin...
Paano kung magkamali na naman ako? Paano kung hindi ko na naman masabi ang mga bagay na dapat ay marinig niya?
Paano kung—
"Take courage, Santino! It is I. Don't be afraid..."
Doon ako natigilan.
"Dadaan lang daw siya saglit," dagdag pa ni Aya. "Kumustahin mo siya."
I gently nodded when I felt an unexplainable courage rising in me. It's telling me it's going to be now or never...
While Aya's helping a nurse to give Ibarra a sponge bath, Blair came with a basket of fruits.
"Oh, my poor brother!" she exclaimed. "How's Kuya Bari, Tita Bella?"
"He's doing well. Inaasahan namin na kahit anong oras ngayong araw ay puwede na siyang magising."
"That's good to hear!" Lumapit ito sa kapatid at hinalikan ang noo. "Wake up soon, Kuya Bari," she sweetly said.
"Thank you for coming, Blair. Your brother would appreciate it," sabi ni Aya.
"I know, Tita. Pero kailangan ko na ring umalis kaagad. I have a plane to catch." Nilingon ako ni Blair. "Oh, Papa! Nandyan ka pala! Hindi kita napansin... Hindi kakapansin-pansin..."
I chose to ignore her remark and softly smiled at her. "How have you been? I heard about your engagement..."
She raised an eyebrow. "Didn't know you're interested, Papa." Bumaling ito kay Aya. "I need to go the airport, Tita. Pakihalik na lang ako kay Kuya."
Tumalikod na ito at tuloy-tuloy na lumabas ng pinto.
Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga.
"Follow her," Aya urged. "Take her to the airport. Ako nang bahala dito..."
Kusang kumilos ang mga paa ko palabas. Naabutan ko si Blair sa hallway.
"Anak..." tawag ko sa kanya, kasabay ng marahan kong pagkapit sa braso niya.
Nilingon niya 'ko. "Papa!" Her forehead knotted. "Do you need anything?"
"If it's alright with you, I'd like to take you to the airport. Alam kong matagal pa ang boarding time after the check-in..." kalmado kong wika. "I don't know when you are coming back, or when would I see you again... So, I would like to accompany you, s-spend time with you while waiting for your flight."
"Okay."
Napakurap ako. "H-Huh?"
She shrugged. "Take me to the airport and let's have some coffee. You got to pay for it. Airport coffee is expensive."
May umahon na kung anong saya sa dibdib ko. Blair walked again and I followed her.
Wala siyang dalang kahit anong maleta. Tanging ang shoulder bag lang na dala niya. She said she has a place in Macau where she's going, may sapat siyang gamit doon.
In the airport, she just went to the check-in counter shortly. Pagkuwa'y tumungo kami sa cafe ng isang hotel malapit.
She ordered a strawberry shortcake and an iced tea. I got myself a muffin with strawberry filling and a hot tea.
Tahimik lang si Blair habang kumakain. I took the initiative to start the conversation.
"I'm sorry, hija," I whispered that could reach her ears. "I'm sorry that it took me just this moment to spend time with you like this..."
Napaangat siya ng tingin sa'kin. "I don't like to hear any of your apologies, Papa." She smirked.
Nagpatuloy pa rin ako. "I'm sorry I never chose you," I sincerely and bravely admitted.
That caught her off guard. Napalunok si Blair at nag-iwas ng tingin. Nawala ang pang-uuyam sa mga labi nito.
"Sino ba 'ko para piliin mo, Papa?" she said in a low voice. "Anak mo lang naman ako sa labas..."
"It's not like that, darling." I reached for her hand above the table. "Pero, nagkamali akong iparamdam sa'yo iyon. My reasons can never justify my shortcomings, my sins, my mistakes as your father. I just want to ask for forgiveness because you don't deserve the way I treated you. You don't deserve my coldness, but only my affection....
"I was holding back a lot of feelings since then. I have many reasons, but deep inside me, one of the feelings I wanted so bad to show is how much I adore you, Blair..." tuloy-tuloy ang mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko. I finally got the courage to speak regardless of how my heart hurts...
I held her hand tightly. "Many times, I deprived myself of holding you, but in reality, I'm just like a normal father that is a fool for his daughter. Your sweetness can always make my heart melt, even when I appear like a hard stone on the outside..." Hindi ko namalayan ang pagtulo ng luha sa aking mata. "D-Doon ako nagsisisi, a-anak. P-Pinatigas ko ang p-puso ko. Doon ako n-nagkamali. Akala ko kasi... pinoprotektahan kita mula s-sa'kin.
"A-Akala ko, kapag sinanay kitang hindi n-niyayakap, hindi nahahalikan, hindi b-binubuhat... hindi n-nilalambing... Akala ko, hindi mo 'ko hahanap-hanapin. Sa tingin ko noon mas mabuti iyon para hindi ka masaktan..."
"Lalo mo 'kong sinaktan dahil doon, Papa..." malamig nitong tugon.
Tumango ako. "I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to take the responsibility as your father. I'm sorry I was so full of pride and neglected you because you're Bridgette's daughter. I'm sorry I always taught about my pain, but never yours... Anak, isa sa pinakamalaking pinagsisihan ko ay 'yung hindi ko naibalik ng tama ang pagmamahal mo sa'kin bilang ama. At hindi ko naibigay sa'yo ang lahat ng pagmamahal na itinago ko para sa'yo..."
Ito ang kasalanan ko sa anak ko. I don't want to blame what Bridgette had wrongfully done to me anymore. I don't want to use her mother's sins as an excuse why I was full of hatred.
Because it boils down to one thing—it was my choice.
Nais kong patawarin ako ni Blair dahil sa pagkakamali ko. At hindi dahil sa kasalanan ng ina nito sa akin.
Forgiving Bridgette should be from me.
"You're selfish, Papa..." Blair sobbed. "Ang d-duwag duwag mo..."
"I'm sorry, anak... I made the wrong choice." I held both of her hands. "I'm so sorry... I will always pray for your forgiveness, my Blair..." I kissed her hands. "I love you so much, anak. Nagsisisi ako dahil mahal na mahal kita..."
Matalim niya 'kong tinignan. Binawi niya ang mga kamay sa'kin at pinalis ang sariling mga luha. "Ang sakit mo namang magmahal, P-Papa..." She sobbed. "Ang s-sakit-sakit mo ring mahalin."
Tumayo siya at mabilis na tumakbo palabas.
I immediately followed her but Blair was inside a taxi already. Sumakay ako sa sarili kong sasakyan at sinundan siya sa airport.
When she entered the boarding gate, I was not allowed by the guards to go after her because I have no ticket to show.
Huminga ako nang malalim. Hindi na 'ko nagpumilit pa dahil ginagawa lang ng mga ito ang trabaho. I just waited outside until it's time for Blair's flight.
May kirot sa aking dibdib, pero... hindi ko mapaliwanag ang pagkakalmado niyon.
Sa kotse ay patuloy ang pagbuhos ng mga luha ko.
Parang sa lahat ng rehas na nakapulupot sa aking puso ay may isang natanggal. Hindi ko man nakuha ang kapatawaran ni Blair ngayon, naamin at nasabi ko na ang mga dapat kong sabihin.
Alam kong hindi pa iyon ang lahat, ngunit tila sapat na iyon sa ngayon...
"Anak, hindi mo naiintindihan ngayon. Ngunit sa darating na panahon malalaman mo...."
My phone rang. It's Aya. I turned the loud speaker. "Aya?"
"Nagising na si Bari, Santino!" masayang balita nito. "Nagkausap na kami at pinabalik ko muna siya sa pagpapahinga. Pabalik ka na ba?"
I smiled amidst the tears, thanking God, how this day turned out to be.
"I just talked to Blair... She still hates me... but, I finally told her how much I love her."
"Good job, Mr. Delos Santos! Let's take things one step at a time. God knows Blair's heart. It's time to let go and trust God to work in her life."
Hindi ko pa rin alam kung bakit hindi pa hinahayaan ng Panginoon na makapagpatawad si Blair... Pero sapat na ang naranasan kong lakas ngayong araw para masigurong hindi na 'ko ulit mag-iisa sa pagharap ng mga bagay na kinatatakutan ko.
I have been rejected again tonight. Yet, my hope remains. I reminded myself that this is not my story. But God's story in my life...
Lord, I offer my days to you...
Lifting my praise to you as a pleasing sacrifice.
Lord, I offer you my life...
***
October 2007
"VACATION? Magbabakasyon tayo?" puno ng kislap ang mga mata ni Aya. "Tayong dalawa lang?"
Tumango ako at nginitian siya. "Tapos na ang lahat ng business trips na kailangang nating puntahan. Wala nang gaanong trabaho sa opisina dahil nakabalik na rin si Ibarra."
Kumapit siya sa braso ko. "Totoo ba? Ang tagal na nating hindi nakakapagbakasyon dahil ang napakadami ng trabaho na ibinibigay mo sa'kin palagi!"
I gently caressed her back. "I'm sorry I never gave you a proper compensation for your hard work in our family's companies. You could have chosen leading your family's hotels... But you chose to lead with me."
Ngumiti siya. "I chose to serve with you. Because you're my husband and I love you."
"Thank you, Mrs. Delos Santos."
Tiningala niya 'ko. Tinitigan nang matagal...
"Why? Is there something wrong?"
She touched my hair and gently combed it by his fingers. "Kung magbabakasyon tayong dalawa, hindi ba kailangan mo pang kausapin si Alessandro? Hindi pa rin kayo nagkakausap ni Bari ng hindi tungkol sa trabaho..."
I just have this unexplainable feeling of not rushing. Of keeping my calm. Not to be held by so much desperation...
"There is time for everything, the Lord said," sabi ko mula sa nabasa ko kanina sa Bible. "And I've been hell-bent to be heard by my sons, getting frustrated of unsuccessful encounters... I've been stressing myself so much in things that the Lord don't want to happen yet, Aya..."
"Santino..."
My arm held her waist. "Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na kahit kailan hindi ko hinintay ang God's time. But now, I was enlightened."
"Good job, Mr. Delos Santos!" Inayos niya ang kuwelyo ng suot kong polo-shirt.
I held her chin up. I admired my wife's mesmerizing eyes. "I'm sorry I was so focused in getting my situation and myself better, that I have neglected you..."
Napakurap siya. "Naiintindihan ko naman, Santino. You didn't neglect me..."
Umiling ako. "We both know that I'm not going to stay any longer in this life, Aya. When you cried to me, telling me that you're not yet ready, I realized we did really not spend so much time together, that you'd be devastated once I die so suddenly."
Napayuko siya at napalabi. "Hindi naman..."
"I'm sorry, beauty. I became too confident that you'll always be there, but I never gave you enough appreciation. Now, I can't imagine how much you prayed damn hard, so I could come back to Jesus..."
Tumingala siya sa'kin, ngumiti ng matamis. "I promised to myself that I'll dedicate my life until you believe in God, again, Santino... I always pray that my love would represent how much Christ loves you, so you would believe..."
I kissed her forehead. "Thank you because like God, you always believed in me."
Nangilid ang luha sa mga mata niya. Then, she chuckled. "Ibalik mo na nga si Santino, kung sino ka mang sumapi sa asawa ko. Napo-fall in love na rin ako sa'yo, eh. Baka magtampo iyon..."
I cupped her face. "When I die, Aya, cry... but rejoice after. Celebrate that I'm going to heaven. Do not stop praising God because He finally brought me home."
Suminghot ito at tumango. "Magpa-party nga ako pagkatapos ng libing."
"Silly, you..."
We both laughed and embraced each other.
Things in the past, things yet unseen...
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true...
***
"AMALTHEA Ysabella, stop pushing me!" saway ko sa kanya habang nasa sementeryo.
"Ang bagal mo kasi maglakad! Ano nasa teledrama ba tayo?"
"I'm walking normally, you're just excited."
"Shh! Ang ingay natin." She giggled.
Napailing na lang ako at pumasok na kami sa loob ng mausoleo ng mga Delos Santos. This is where generations of Delos Santos' patriarchs were buried.
Sinindihan ni Aya ang kandila sa tapat ng libingan ni Papa. Inikot ko ang paningin ko. The whole mausoleum is clean because of a care taker...
"I was nineteen when I last visited here..." I said. "Matagal na matagal na..." I sighed.
Aya prayed with me before we came here. Ako ang mismong nagsabing kailangan kong bisitahin ang puntod ng mga magulang ko... Aya was happy, she decided to come with me.
I put the flowers above my father's tomb.
"Hello, Papa!" Aya touched the carved name of my father. "Pasensya na po ngayon lang po kami nakabisita. Ngayon lang din po ako dinala ni Santino dito..." Tumabi si Aya. "Okay, your turn."
I sighed and looked at my father's name on the tomb.
Sancho Elizar Delos Santos y Travieso
I cursed the name for so long, I didn't notice that kept bitterness is self-poison.
"I'm sorry, Papa..." I whispered. "Forgive me for not forgiving you..." Napalunok ako. Tinapangan ang damdamin ko. "P-Pina... pinapatawad na rin kita, Papa... I refused to hear your side of the story. You must be hurting, too, huh? But I did not see it. You must be suffering, too, from all the things that didn't go well in your life... I'm sorry you were struggling to hide the pain and look hard to be tough, so no person will look at you with pity...
"I know, Papa, how it is painful to wake up one day, and found out you messed up everything... I'm sorry that no one believed in you, not even me..."
Aya held my hand.
Napapikit ako. "I-I... I l-love you, P-Papa... No matter how much I deny and hate you, the truth is... like my c-children, I've always yearned for your warm affection and genuine love... The truth is, I want your attention and approval above all else, because you're my father..."
Pumatak ang mga luha ko. Aya silently stood beside me, holding me tight... I heard her praying to God for my father's soul.
As I kept my eyes closed, the image of my father smiling came. I'm not sure if he's in heaven, too. I'm not sure if he accepted Jesus before he died... Hence, I'll just trust in the Lord's perfect judgment.
Paglabas namin ng mausoleo ay mas gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. Tila panibagong rehas ang naputol at mas nakahinga ako nang maluwag.
Hinila ako ni Aya sa sasakyan. She drove going to my mother's cemetery next.
At her tomb, I kneeled down the grass and put down the flowers. Lumuhod din si Aya at sinindihan ang kandila.
"Hello, Mama! I'm Ysabella," Aya cheerfully said. "I'm your son's wife for twenty-eight years. We're sorry it took so long for us to visit you..." Tumingin siya sa'kin. "Your turn."
Huminga ako nang malalim. Hinaplos ko ang nakaukit na pangalan ni Mama.
Norah Francisca O. Delos Santos-Rodriquez
Hindi ko alam na sinama pa rin pala ni Mama ang apelyido ni Papa, kahit nagpakasal na ito sa iba noon... Hindi ko akalain na hanggang sa kamatayan ay gugustuhin ni Mama na isama ang pangalan ni Papa...
Katulad ng kay Papa, hindi ko na rin narinig pa ang mga rason ni Mama. I remembered her going to my office before she died...
"I'm sorry, M-Mama, hindi kita hinarap noon..." panimula ko. "Patawad kung nagmatigas ako. Patawad sa hindi pagpapatawad sa'yo... Now, I know what you have felt when I never gave you a chance to ask for my forgiveness. I-I'm sorry, M-Mama... I'm so sorry..." I whispered.
Pinikit ko ang mata ko. "I understand now why you can't look at me before, because it was really painful to be reminded of something that hurt you the most..."
Inipon ko ang hangin sa dibdib ko. "Mama, it must have been hard for you to choose me when all you can see is Papa's sins to you... It must have been hard to stop yourself from holding me... Hirap na hirap siguro ang iyong damdamin sa pagpipigil na huwag akong pakitaan ng kahit anong atensyon kahit nasasabik kang mayapos ang sarili mong anak...
"I'm sorry, I was not able to see how hard it was for you to live while you're already dead inside... And when you finally found an escape, you left even if it means n-not choosing me..." My shoulders started to shake. "Nasasaktan ako pero naiintindihan ko na... I did the same to Alessandro and it's killing me every day... I'm sorry, Mama, because it must have been the same to you..."
"Pinapatawad na kita, Mama... Pinili mo ang mga bagay na sa tingin mong magpapalaya sa'yo, hindi kita puwedeng sisihin doon. Mahal kita, Mama. Kahit h-hindi ako kasama sa una, sa mga huling araw mo siguro, nagawa mo na 'kong piliin..."
Pabalik-balik si Mama sa opisina noon, ayon kay Darlin. Nakikiusap ng ilang beses na makausap ako kahit limang minuto.
"I'm sorry for the five minutes I did not spare, Mama..." A tear fell from my eye. "I am also forgiving you for everything that happened. I may not able to feel or know it, but you could have loved me your own way....
"Pinatapatawad na kita, Mama. I'm ready to let go of you and Papa... I'm ready to totally free myself today."
Sa huling pagtulo ng luha ko ay kasabay ang pagngiti ng mga labi ko.
Pagbaling ko kay Aya ay nakangiti siya. May tinuro sa ibabang parte ng lapida ni Mama.
I am saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ—my Lord and Savior.
"She accepted Jesus, Santino. You're going to see Mama Norah in heaven." Aya hugged me tight.
Niyakap ko siya pabalik. Masaya ako... Kakaibang uri ng galak ang nararamdaman ko.
I can almost hear another chain strongly breaking apart.
All of my hopes, all of my plans,
my heart and my hands are lifted to You...
***
THE NEXT day...
"Wow, it's beautiful in here!" Aya exclaimed while roaming her eyes around Andrea's memorial place. "May aircon pa! Ang yaman na talaga ni Sandro! He really gave her mother a beautiful resting place."
I put the basket of flowers above her tomb. Nang binasa ko ang pangalan nitong nakaukit ay may kirot pa rin akong nararamdaman...
Aya lit two candles.
My Lord, give me strength to forgive...
Pumikit ako at huminga nang malalim. Can I really do this? Won't my forgiveness be half-baked because I can still clearly feel the pain of Andrea's betrayal and unforgivable—
"Forgive, Santino, because you have been forgiven."
But—
"Remember who your God is, Santino. Obey Me..."
Hinaplos ni Aya ang braso ko. "I'll wait for you outside."
Tumango ako at dumilat. Tumingin ulit ako sa nakaukit na pangalan ni Andrea sa lapida...
I'm doing this for the Lord. He won't command me to do things if it is not for my good.
I should trust in that...
"I wish I could have heard your reasons why..." I whispered to Andrea's tomb. "I hope I can understand how hard it is to live with nothing that it pushes some people to grab for everything... I guess, I cannot really judge you why you have done those things for money, Andrea..."
Suddenly, good memories with Andrea came rushing in my mind...
The way she listened intently whenever I talk... The ways she could connect with me... The way she never judged me...
The smile and look in her eyes were sincere and true. I knew they were...
"You were a tough woman." I just don't know what went wrong.
But I promised myself that I would not obsess in things that I cannot understand for now. I just have to obey...
"Andrea, p-pinapatawad na kita. Sa l-lahat nang nangyari..." I swallowed hard. "It's hard to forget, but I don't want to carry the burden anymore. Kaya... p-pinapatawad na kita. I forgive you, Andrea..."
"Patawarin mo rin ako sa nagawa ko sa anak n-natin..." Napatingala ako. "P-Patawad... A-Alam kong mahal mo si Alessandro. Mahal na mahal ko rin siya. But I was so bitter. I was so afraid. I... I counted all your sins and I was consumed by it. I counted and remembered all your faults, I wanted to get even... And our son was forced to reap what we both bitterly sow... P-Patawad... Patawad, Andrea..."
Hindi lang pala pagpapatawad ang kailangan kong ibigay sa mga nagkasala sa'kin. Kundi kailangan ko ring manghingi ng mapagkumbabang kapatawaran mula sa kanila...
It was like my eyes were opened that I have sinned against them, too. I was too focused on their bigger sins, I ignored mine. When in fact, in God's eyes, all sins are the same, they just differ in the weight of consequence.
Ilang beses na iyong sinabi sa'kin ni Aya, subalit ngayon ko lang naintindihan nang lubos-lubos.
"Thank you for being a friend the time that I want to be heard. Whether you were true or not, I'm still thankful you were there," kusa nang lumalabas ang mga salita sa bibig ko... Ngunit, siguro ito talaga ang nilalaman ng puso kong lumalaya.
"I..." Ngumiti ako nang bahagya. "I loved you."
I felt the Spirit of God in me when I closed my eyes and prayed for Andrea's soul...
She was an enemy of my heart. But maybe, this is what God wanted me to learn...
To love like Him—supernatural.
Multiple chains broke apart as I leave Andrea's tomb.
***
ILANG oras bago kami umalis ni Aya para magbakasyon ay may kailangan akong kahuli-hulihang gawin.
I called Bridgette. I asked if I could talk to her in private.
I found myself in the living room of her house. The interior is minimalist, yet it silently brags about the house owner's wealth and elegance.
"Santino."
I looked up and saw Bridgette. Unlike Aya, her age is obvious, but was calmed down by her elegance. She gracefully sat on the chair opposite to mine.
"Tea?" she offered.
Umiling lang ako. She never got married. Umatras ang sanang pakakasalan nito nang malamang ipinagbubuntis nito si Blair. I refused to know Bridgette's whereabouts, hence, I really don't know the reason why she chose to remain unmarried.
"It was a shock when you called," she calmly said. "I was greatly stunned when you offered to meet after ages..."
"Maybe Blair already told you that I'm dying."
Sumandal siya sa kinauupuan. "She mentioned, of course. Was it your heart condition?"
"It does not respond to any medication anymore."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
Tinignan ko siya. Hindi katulad noon, hindi na mabilis mabasa ang mga mata ni Bridgette. She had mastered keeping her emotions. Hindi na siya katulad noon...
"Did Blair do something crazy, again?" she asked. "Is it why you're here?" She sipped her tea.
Umiling ako. Huminga ako nang malalim, mabilis na umusal ng dasal.
"I'm sorry, Bridgette. Forgive me for not taking care of you when we were younger..."
Napakurap siya. Her mouth slightly opened. "S-Santino..."
"I'm sorry for not giving you enough appreciation. You came to my life when I needed someone to be with me the most. Noong kailangan ko lang kahit isang kakampi... Ikaw iyon."
Lumabas na ang mga emosyon sa mga mata ni Bridgette. Ngunit, halo-halo. Gayunpaman, matapang na sinalubong ko ang mga iyon.
"I'm sorry for all my foolish words that hurt you," I continued. "Nasaktan din lang ako sa uri ng relasyong mayroon tayo. Lamangan. Gantihan... Because were both full of pride. Also, we're very young then. Hindi ko nakita ang kahalagahan mo dahil mas hinahanap ko ang sa akin."
She blinked, and a tear fell from her eye.
"Bridgette, I tried to love you then..." pag-amin ko sa kanya. "I was willing to fall in love with you, but...you cheated when I thought you were only faithful to me. Totoo ang naramdaman kong sakit. I told myself, it's just my ego. Later on, I admitted that I was hurt... because I was used to having all your love alone, and when I'm ready to return it, you chose to give up on me."
Umiling si Bridgette. "I-I was young, Santino... My reasons are foolish. I did it with another man because I'm so tired to be rejected by you always... But after the sex, I cried because I was wishing it was you who would love me like that..."
"I'm sorry, Bridgette. But my heart wasn't strong back then to try to love you even after that incident. Kung...kung naghintay ka ng kaunti pa, kung hindi mo hinanap sa iba ang hindi ko kayang ibigay sa'yo, we could have been more than this," I honestly told her. "I'm sorry our relationship was too toxic for love to survive."
Napayuko siya. "B-Bakit s-sinasabi mo i-iyan ngayon?"
"Dahil siguro, ang pagpapanggap kong kahit kailan na walang pakialam sa'yo, ang pagtatago ko ng sakit at pagiging malamig sa'yo... Siguro dahil sa hindi malinaw na pagpapayahag ko ng damdamin ko, nasaktan kita ng labis. I've hurt you so much that you wanted to hurt me back..." Napalunok ako. "T-That's why you put a drug on my drink that day..."
Bridgette's shoulders started to shake. She sobbed. "S-Santino..."
Huminga ako nang malalim. "H-Hindi ko akalaing magagawa mo iyon... Pero, tapos na. Ang sabi ko sa sarili ko noon, lalaki naman ako. Wala namang nawala sa'kin... Ngunit, mayroon pala...
"Maybe I've hurt you damn much, Bridgette. Maybe you felt I stripped you off your dignity and self-respect every time I told you were a lousy lover. Siguro, naramdaman mong madumi noon sa tuwing pinaparamdam ko sa'yong hanggang sa kama lang kita... I'm sorry, Bridgette, I wasn't a real man to man up before."
She sobbed.
"Pinapatawad din kita, Bridgette," I sincerely said.
Napasinghap siya at napaangat ng tingin sa'kin.
"Hindi kita pinapatawad para mapilitan kang patawarin din ako. Pero, pinapatawad kita para mapalaya ko na ang naipon kong poot na nagpahirap lang din sa'kin ng lubos," mahinahon kong paliwanag.
Nakatingin lang siya sa'kin.
"When every human reason won't ever justify what you and Andrea did to me, the grace of the Lord that extended to me was enough to make me forgive and set my heart completely free."
"I'm sorry, Santino..." she cried. "I'm sorry... Mali, pero iyon na lang ang nakita kong paraan para sa huling pagkakataon maramdaman kita... I didn't expect that I'll get pregnant, too...
"Mahal na mahal kita, Santino. Gabi-gabi, iniisip ko na bakit hindi na lang ako? Nauna ako sa buhay mo, pero iba ang pinili mo sa huli..." Napatakip ito ng mukha. "The only time that I slept with another man was the time that you caught me. Pagkatapos niyon, lahat ng naririnig at nakikita mong iba't ibang lalaking kasama ko... hindi iyon totoong lahat! Gawa-gawa ko lang para magselos ka...
Napakurap ako. I didn't know that truth...
"Pagkatapos mo 'kong mahuli, wala nang sumunod, Santino! I just said I slept with other guys to save my face, because you were sleeping with other girls, too! Ayokong maging kahiya-hiya. Ayokong maging mukhang talunan sa relasyon natin. Ayokong tanggapin na kahit kailan hindi ako naging sapat!
She lost her calm when she cried louder. "My friends said I don't deserve you... Pero lumaban ako. Lumaban lang naman ako. Because I love you, Santino. Nauna ako! Nauna ako! Pero si Ysabella pa rin ang pinili mo!" galit na galit niyang sigaw sa'kin.
"I'm sorry..." Surprisingly, I remained calm after her revelation...
"I never married because no other man came close to you, Santino..." Bridgette cried. "I kept Blair because she's the only thing that connects us... Alam kong mali ang ginawa ko noon, pero desperada na 'ko... Hindi ko maatim na masaya ka kay Ysabella, habang ako, nakatanaw lang lagi sa malayo... Santino, even when we were young, you're so close yet so far to me! And I can only stare and wonder when you are going to see me, to look at me the way I look at you!"
Binigyan ko siya ng oras na lumuha nang lumuha. Umabot kami sa ganitong edad na kahit kailan hindi nagkaintindihan...
"Let's forgive ourselves, Bridgette. Let's forgive our younger selves that didn't know what true love was. Let's forgive our past selves that poorly judged each other and showed love the wrong way."
Gusto kong magulat sa sarili ko. Hindi ko akalaing masasabi ko ang mga iyon, ngunit iyon lamang ang mga natatanging salitang lumabas sa bibig ko.
"Kasabay ng pagpapatawad natin sa mga sarili natin, patawarin din natin ang isa't isa," I softly said. "You can come to the Lord, too, Bridge. Be free from a false love that blinds you."
Hindi siya kumibo. Nanatiling nakayuko at sumisinghot.
Tumayo na 'ko para umalis.
"Mahal kita, Santino," Bridgette confessed. "Mahal na mahal pa rin kita... Patawad sa l-lahat..."
Nilingon ko siya. "Tell Blair the truth. If you truly love me like you claim it, tell our daughter the truth. She deserves to know it and then... let me go."
Natahimik ito, hindi makapagsalita.
"Hindi ko masabi ang totoo kay Blair dahil ayokong magmukhang sinisiraan kita. I made many mistakes, but I won't add disgracing her own mother right in front of her face."
"Santino... D-Did you loved me? Kahit k-kaunti?"
"I was almost there, Bridge."
She blinked. "K-Kung minahal ba kita ng tama noon... Kung tama ang mga pinili kong desisyon... Ako na ba ang pipiliin mo, kahit dumating pa si Ysabella, Santino?"
Tumalikod na ako. "Good bye, Bridgette. Don't waste your life. You still have time..."
Hindi na 'kong lumingong muli. While in the car, tears fell from my eyes.
That was the last chain.
The unforgiveness in my heart was no more. Malayang-malaya na 'ko.
Lord, I offer my life to you...
Everything I've been through use it for Your glory...
"Ready for a vacation, handsome?" Aya said when I reached the airport.
Ngumiti ako at hinapit siya sa baywang. "Let's make the days count, beauty." I kissed her forehead. "I never felt this alive, again."
Lord, I offer my days to you...
Lifting my praise to you as a pleasing sacrifice...
Lord, I offer You my life....
***
Song: I Offer My Life by Don Moen