"why? why do bad things happen to good people?"
*
Sirius sat up in his room all night in the dark, headphones on, listening to Lily's 'Something Bad Happened' mixtape over and over again. She had lent it to him right before the holidays. He figured most of his relatives trickled out after midnight, but he couldn't have cared less. At one point, Andromeda snuck upstairs to give him a quick hug before leaving with her family.
"You'll stay in your room until you apologize for your behavior," Mrs. Black had hissed after the guests had all gone home. "No food, either. Teach you some respect."
He made a few smart remarks at this, earning yet another bruise. Regulus flinched at the sound of his mother hitting his brother, but he just stood and watched. That hurt Sirius more than the beatings.
The long-haired boy watched the snowfall from his bedroom window, resting his bruised cheek against the glass to numb the throbbing to a dull ache. All of the bravado he displayed at dinner vanished, leaving behind nothing but a depressed boy who missed his friends more than anything. Their owls slowly started to fly in around three in the morning, all bearing packages, but they all flew to his kitchen, not the bedroom. Exactly where Sirius was not allowed to be.
"Happy Christmas, Sirius." Regulus' voice startled him from his thoughts. He glanced around at his brother's room, decked out in Gryffindor banners and Muggle motorcycle posters, even a few magazine pictures of Muggle girls in bikinis, and grinned in spite of himself. While Regulus was not one to rebel himself, he admired Sirius' nerve. "Thanks for the books."
"You did say you wanted them," he said in a detached voice. "And thanks for the new tie. I like that it's not green. I'm not apologizing to Mum and Dad, if that's what you're here for."
Regulus shook his head. "No, not really. I knew that was a long shot. I came to say that a miniature owl just crashed into our kitchen window. It's fine, I think. I'm going to send it back in a few minutes, once it warms up."
Sirius recognized the apology his brother was too proud to say out loud. He stood and embraced him. "Yeah, that would be great."
"I have the present from that crazy little owl. Here, it was small, I just slipped it in my pocket." He fished the package out and looked back at the door. "I need to go back down or Mum will have my head. She doesn't know I'm up here. I'll see you later?"
"Unlikely. Thanks, Reg." The younger Black was halfway out the door when Sirius spoke again. "Hey! I'm not sorry for anything else, but I'm sorry that I dragged your name into the row last night. Brothers don't do that."
Regulus smiled. "Don't apologize. Even if you do become an Auror, you'll never be able to catch me." He winked and left his brother's bedroom, Sirius waving him off playfully as he went.
Sirius sat at the foot of his bed and unwrapped the gift, chuckling to himself about yet another one of Ringo's bad landings. He pulled a small cassette tape out from the brown wrappings. She had labeled it 'For Sirius.' Nothing else. Curious, he switched Lily's tape out for hers and put the headphones back on.
"Hi Sirius. If you're listening, I actually pulled this project off, which is, I don't know, crazy?" He smiled at her cute, flustered voice. "It's just this stupid idea I had. Maybe it's not so stupid. Maybe. I know you hate going home and you miss us more than you'll ever admit. I started talking to Remus and Lily about it, and we decided to come up with a group mixtape for you to listen to when we aren't able to be there for you in person. May I present: Siriusly Good Songs."
The audio switched, signifying a new clip.
"You've got to pick a song."
"Blondie, we have Quidditch in a half hour. I'll do it later."
"But this is important! It's for Sirius! We talked about this!"
"Fine." Sirius actually laughed, imagining a disgruntled James snatching the recorder from her hands. He flopped back on the bed and kept listening. "Oi, Padfoot, apparently this is really important. 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' Came out a few years ago, remember that? I skipped classes the day that came out and listened to it in the dormitory non-stop for hours. Five minutes and fifty-nine seconds of heaven on Earth. There you go. Enjoy."
A static sound filled the headphones, then the quiet, perpetually tired voice of Remus Lupin, the sounds of water and the occasional distant laugh filled his ears.
"Hello. I'm recording this out by the Black Lake. You're out pranking with James, and I'm pretending not to know about it. I don't know where Lily got off to, we're supposed to be on prefect duty together, maybe I should be concerned but I'm not. Eva and Peter went down to visit Hagrid and Marlene's with her brother somewhere, so it's just me. I forgot what quiet sounded like. It's kind of nice.
"I picked two songs, actually. Eva told me not to, but I don't care. I couldn't choose. The first one's 'Oh, What a Night' by Franki Valli and the Four Seasons because it's one of my favorites. Two, 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' by Simon and Garfunkel. Just think you might appreciate it. A bunch of first years just accidentally lit one of their mate's robes on fire and I'm on prefect duty, I've got to go help them."
Sirius grinned to himself as the recording once again switched.
"Sirius, listening to 'Stairway to Heaven' will change your life. I'm serious! Actually, you are. But do it! I forgot to do this and Eva needs the by recording tomorrow, she made deadlines and everything for all of us, so this is gonna be brief. I'm in Transfiguration now, and I picked the song because-"
"Miss McKinnon!" Sirius nearly lost it when he heard Professor McGonagall's stern voice on the recording. "Talking to ourselves during class, are we?"
"No, no! Um... no. But it's complicated."
"So is this spell. I'd suggest you pay better attention, or I will see you perform it in detention."
After a second of silence, Marlene spoke in a hurried whisper. "There you go, Black. Almost got detention just so you can listen to Led Zeppelin."
Sirius grinned fully for the first time since he'd left Hogwarts for the Christmas holidays.
"'Dream On' by Aerosmith is the best song in history, hands down," Peter claimed.
"No, it's not!"
"Shut up, Prongs, it's not your turn."
"'Bohemian Rhapsody' is better!"
"Give me the recorder thingy back!"
"Hi Padfoot, this is your favorite Marauder speaking-"
"What are you two idiots doing in here? I though Wormtail was supposed to pick a song for Eva's mixtape!"
"What's better Moony: 'Bohemian Rhapsody' or 'Dream On'?"
"The answer is anything by Elton John."
"That wasn't an option, Remus!"
"Stop screwing around, here comes Blondie!"
"Hide it!"
Regulus heard his older brother's bark of a laughter from his room down the hall. He had no idea what caused Sirius to sound so happy in his punishment, but he just smiled to himself and let it alone.
The audio changed again. "Sirius, it's Lily. I'm the last one she's recording besides herself, and I'm hoping she doesn't listen to the clips we all put in, because I don't want her to know what I picked. I just told her something by ABBA, but I picked a different one. My track is 'Annie's Song' by John Denver. I don't know if it's really your style, but Eva loves to sing this song. She's always humming it while she works, too. Call me crazy, but when she sings it, she gets this look in her eyes, and I swear she has that same look in her eyes when she looks at you. Don't worry. She'll come around. And don't go denying that you have a thing for her. You're a lot less secretive than you think. It's a miracle she hasn't figured it out yet."
Sirius immediately decided to listen to that song first.
"Um, hi, I'm back. Took me forever to just pick one like I said everyone had to, but I think I found a good one. My song is 'Brandy' by Looking Glass. I'm actually named after it, well, my middle name. My dad loved that song. When I was little, he used to sing it to me when I couldn't sleep or I was scared, and- oh Merlin, I'm getting emotional now. Hold on." She took a few deep breaths before continuing. Sirius imagined she was in the room and pulling her close to comfort her. He realized just how much he loved her voice. "Okay, I'm back. Sorry. Anyway, this song, it makes me feel so warm every time I listen to it, and I figured you could use some of that warmth sometimes. So yeah, after this, all of the songs are going to play. Happy listening. We love you."
Sirius clicked pause and closed his eyes, mulling over his friends' voices. It was almost like they were there with him.
A smile stretched across his face as he lay there sprawled out on his bed, staring up at the scarlet and gold Gryffindor banners above him. She couldn't be that angry with him if she still decided to send him this. It sounded like it took a long time to organize.
He laid there for hours, listening to the songs and his friends' stories on repeat, memorizing the lyrics of every song. Dinner passed and his stomach rumbled with hunger, but he didn't care. Nothing would make him leave the room and apologize. Nothing and no one. He didn't regret anything he said. Exhausted, he fell asleep listening to 'Annie's Song'.
At around two in the morning the day after Christmas, Sirius heard a loud thud at his window. He rushed over to find an owl-shaped imprint in the frost. His gray eyes widened when he saw Ringo fall into a snowdrift near his front door.
Making up his mind quickly, Sirius pulled on a pair of boots and a coat before creeping down the stairs, careful to miss creaky steps. If his parents knew he left his room, he didn't want to think of how much trouble he'd be in. The boy snuck down the dark hallways of Grimmauld Place and out the door, where he found Ringo struggling to dig himself out of a big pile of snow.
"Hey, it's okay, I've got you." He scooped the little owl up and found a parcel tied to his foot. "What did you bring? I already got her present."
Ringo hooted a few times and shivered, trying to shake the snow off of his tiny wings.
"Yeah, let's get you inside. Maybe you can learn what a window is, too, because I heard you crashed into my kitchen window earlier."
The door creaked slightly as Sirius opened it. He breathed a sigh of relief and carried the owl up three flights of stairs to the hallway that led to his room. As he tiptoed, he almost ran into something. Or actually, someone.
"Master Sirius," Kreacher croaked. He swept into a low bow, but Sirius saw the loathing in the house elf's eyes. "My mistress told me you were not allowed to be about."
"Kreacher, shut up! I need you to shut up about this, okay?" He asked, his voice edged with panic.
Kreacher, to his dismay, shook his head. "My mistress said to tell her under all circumstances, which overpowers anything Master Sirius says. I'll tell her at once."
"Kreacher, no!" Sirius whispered harshly, but it was too late. He disapparated, leaving Sirius standing in the hallway with a shivering owl and a growing fear in his chest.
He had just shoved Ringo and the parcel in his closet when his bedroom door flew open. Mr. and Mrs. Black entered, dark expressions on their faces. Sirius stumbled backward, fumbling around his desk for his wand.
"Downstairs. Now. We have matters to discuss," Mrs. Black snarled, her black eyes burning with anger. Sirius knew he would be an absolute fool to disobey, so he quickly followed his parents into the living room, never letting go of his wand. He felt his chest tighten as fear grew inside of him.
"Kreacher tells us you intentionally disobeyed our orders and left your room."
Sirius nodded, determined to keep a brave face, determined to prove that he was a Gryffindor through and through. "That's right, yeah."
His father stared at him. In his dark green dressing gown, he made an intimidating picture as he glared. "Is everything a joke to you?"
"Why, was something I said funny? You aren't laughing."
Sirius' mother took a menacing step forward, her wand raised. He tried not to look affected by her movements.
"You're a disgrace to us all. You should learn some respect. So help me, if this is the only way, then so be it."
Regulus woke to the terrible sound of his brother's tortured yells.
He scrambled out of bed, not even bothering to turn on a light, and ran down the stairs in search of the sound. He didn't care that Sirius insulted him, or that he was a Death Eater. They were brothers. That came first.
"What's going on?" He demanded, his dark eyes sweeping over the scene. Sirius held himself up against an armchair, barely supporting his own weight, his bruised face twisted in pain. Mrs. Black lowered her wand, anger on her face, and Mr. Black just watched silently, brooding.
Regulus immediately went to his brother's aid and looped Sirius' arm around his shoulders to support him. Sirius hated how weak he looked, so he jutted his chin out while Regulus helped him stand.
"What the hell is going on?" Regulus repeated angrily, staring at his mother with cold fury.
"Nothing that you ought to be concerned about, dear," she replied, her attention still on Sirius. "Your older brother missed a few lessons on proper manners."
"You missed a few lessons on the proper treatment of others," Sirius snarled back.
Mr. Black stood and asked in a quiet voice, "When will you grow up and start doing what is right?"
Sirius stared right into his eyes. "You and I have very different ideas of what is right." Then, he turned to his brother. "Let go of me, Reg."
"Sirius-"
"Reg, let me go." While he knew it was probably a bad idea, Regulus listened and pulled away. Sirius' already pale face drained of color when he stood up straight, but he stood tall regardless.
"I'm sick of it all." Sirius' voice cracked and he winced, still in obvious discomfort. "I'm sick of this place and this family, all of you. I hate the lot of you all. I hate your idiotic pureblood mania and your ancient prejudices. I hate the way you think we're something special, because we're not, you hear? We are a stain on humanity. We're a curse. That's not who I want to be anymore."
Sirius started his slow, painful walk back to the stairs.
"Blood traitor. Filth," Mrs. Black hissed. "You're a disgrace."
"Apologize to your mother, and to me," Mr. Black ordered dangerously.
Sirius sighed and said in a quiet yet defiant voice, "I'm not your son."
Their parents started for their eldest but Regulus held out a hand. "I'll talk to him."
He had no real intention of doing this. Instead, he followed Sirius into the hallway and slipped his arm back around his shoulders without asking. Sirius growled, not wanting to appear weak, but he appreciated the help up the stairs. Once they arrived in his room, Sirius instantly began to throw things in one of his trunks.
"What are you doing?" Regulus asked, confused by his brother's behavior.
"I'm leaving. I can't take this anymore." He tossed a few sets of robes in, followed by his school books.
Regulus was dumbfounded. "Really?"
"Yeah. I'm of age. I've had enough beatings to last a lifetime. I'm not going to put up with it, Reg. I'm leaving and I'm not coming back."
He waited for Regulus to come up with some well-thought out argument on why he should stay, but the younger Black just walked over and started putting things in the trunk, too.
They packed in silence for a few minutes before Regulus spoke again. "What did they do to you?"
Sirius felt his throat tighten. "She called me a disgrace. I tried to hex her, but he was faster, and that's where the extra bruises came from. Then she, uh, used the Cruciatus curse."
"She tortured you?" Regulus asked, his eyes wide. His hands hovered over the suitcase in shock.
Sirius nodded. "That was right before you came in, Reg, I couldn't get away."
"You're welcome, then." More silence. "Where will you go?"
"I have no idea, but anywhere's better than here," Sirius said bitterly, closing the trunk. "Merlin, I almost forgot."
He walked over to the closet and opened the doors, allowing Ringo to fly out quick as a dart.
"Sorry," Sirius said in a guilty voice as he opened the window. "Get going, she'll be worried about you." After he took the parcel, the owl flew out the window and started his journey home.
Sirius and Regulus faced each other. Two brothers, alike in looks but unalike in manner, neither wanting to be without the other despite their differences.
"Come with me," Sirius blurted out at the same moment Regulus said, "Stay."
Sirius' heart broke as he looked at his little brother, the one he'd protected so fiercely for years and loved even when he shouldn't have.
"You know I can't," he said slowly.
Regulus nodded. "Me either."
Sirius pulled Regulus in for one last hug. "I love you, Reg," he said in a choked voice, the closest to vulnerable he'd ever been around anyone in his family.
"You too, Siri." They separated and Sirius picked up his trunk. "Get going. With luck, they won't know you're gone until tomorrow."
"I'll see you at school," Sirius said with a sad smile. "Don't do anything idiotic."
Regulus chuckled and pushed open the door. "I think you filled the idiocy quota enough in the last few days."
"True. See you around, Reg."
Anxiety took hold of Sirius as soon as he stepped out into the cold. He had no idea where to go, or what to do.
There's no going back now.
He began to walk aimlessly down the street, anywhere to get away from Grimmauld Place.
You're free now. You're not one of them anymore.
And yet, he knew that his surname was a curse he would never escape. For the rest of his life, others would cringe as he introduced himself, think he was someone he wasn't.
An idea popped in Sirius' head, and he knew where he was going. He put his headphones back on, played the mixtape of songs from his friends, and walked to find a bus stop. The snow fell on his shoulders as the Knight Bus pulled up in front of him.
"Where to, mate?" The conductor asked as he helped the boy with his trunk.
"Godric's Hollow. As fast as you can." He took a seat near the back, adjusted his hair so that no one could see his bruises, and watched the road.