A few attempts later a beam of light finally took the group away. He heard noises of awe and wonder coming mainly from Daniel. He could also feel Connie and Patricias stare on him, but he couldn't focus on that right now... just focus on getting to Watermelon Island Steven. Watermelon Island. Watermelon Island.
The moment he felt grounded again he peeked out and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He was sure his face was red. That took way too much energy, and he couldn't breathe properly. His chest felt all knotted up.
"Are you okay?" Patricia asks Steven as he bends over as if he had just run a marathon.
"Y-yeah! Yeah, of course. I just need a second to catch my breath is all. I'm fine." He waves his hand around dismissively as Daniel drags Patricia away to look at all the shiny gems and interesting trees that surrounded them.
"Biscuit are you sure? You're not usually so exhausted after you warp" She says as she offers a hand to him. A hand he ultimately declines.
"Yeah, it's fine. I'm fine! It's probably just the sleep thing catching up with me. Go show them the beach! I'll be there soon, I promise." He reassures her. Connie hesitantly nods as she begins walking off at a rather slow pace. Once she was out of sight he let himself fall to the ground with a sickening thud. He felt a few cuts open up at the impact, but that was the least of his problems right now.
He couldn't breathe .
He felt like he was dying all over again... like... like that one time he barely made it out of the ocean after his bubble popped that day with Connie all those years ago. He felt like he was drowning .
He was drowning.
No, no, no. Ground yourself Universe. He can't have another episode right now. Not when Connie is so close to him.
He felt the ground beneath him, trying his best to breathe in and out and stay in the place he was. Just... calm down. Try not to think about it. Distract yourself. Push it down. Think of something that makes you happy Steven.
Connie? No, she's going to leave you.
Dad? No. He's already left you.
The gems? No, they don't need you.
...
D... death?... it's not really a 'happy' thought in the traditional sense, but it's... comforting enough. So he starts thinking about that to try to distract himself.
In a couple of hours, he can just... he can cease to be. He wouldn't have to feel . He wouldn't have to go through all this pain alone anymore. It could all finally go away. All the terrible thoughts , all the terrible feelings , the terrible emptiness he felt. The clashing of it all... it would all just disappear. Everyone could finally be rid of him. Sure they'd be... distraught for a little while, but afterward they'd see it was for the best. He's all used up. They don't need him anymore, and he sure as hell doesn't need himself. The best thing he could do with his life right now was to take it. It all seemed so easy now that he really thought about it. He was... happy he was finally going to go through with it this time.
He blinked a couple of tears away before wiping his eyes. He stared up at the blue sky for a while, focusing on trying to keep a steady rhythm going with his breathing.
He can get through a few hours. It's only a little longer. Then it can all go away. You can make it through a few hours, Universe. You have to. Do it for Connie.
Get up.
And so he does. He struggles to get to his feet, but eventually, he starts to make his way toward the shore where he can see Connie and Daniel throwing water at one another like how he and Connie used to when they were younger. Nostalgia was such a weird feeling he didn't want to unpack at the moment... or ever really.
His eyes found Patricia who seemed to be sitting in the sand and watching Connie softly. He doesn't know if he should go talk to her or leave her alone to watch his Connie...
While he was contemplating Patirica turned her head to see him after hearing his footsteps approach. She'd wanted to talk to him after seeing... things hence why she was sitting in the sand and not having fun in the water with her friends.
"Oh... uh hi," Patricia's voice pipes up as she pats a place beside her motioning him to sit next to her. He walks toward her and sits down in the warm, almost burning sand.
"Hey" He smiles fakely. There was a comfortable silence. The two sat for a while as they watched Connie and Daniel pretend to drown one another laughing every time the other got the jump on the other.
"Uh... aren't you hot? Maybe you should take off your jacket" Patricia says as he freezes up for a split second before shaking his head. "Nah... I'm good" he says as Patirica watches him carefully before turning her attention back to Connie.
It was unsettling that he wouldn't take his jacket off and it heightened her suspicions. If seeing what she saw in his room wasn't concrete enough evidence, this was. The cuts on his face now unsettled her rather than amazed her. He sure as hell didn't get them from a 'corrupted gem' as he said. That's for damn sure. She was actually quite shocked at how easily he could lie to Connie... and how easily Connie fell for it. Connie trusted him with her whole being... she had to know, even if deep down she already did. She had to find out for Connie. It would be better to hear vocal confirmation, regardless of the physical evidence... but she didn't just want to come out and ask... that would be insensitive and rude.
"She's close to perfect huh? You're a lucky guy Steven" Patirica tells Steven, the boy keeping his eyes on Connie, not noticing Patricia's weird behavior. He just assumed she was like this all the time, he'd never met her before after all.
"Yeah..." He nods in response.
"How long have you known her?" Patricia asks desperately trying to keep the conversation going until there is a good opening for her to ask her question.
"Uh... not sure. Since I was twelve? You wouldn't believe it, but she used to be a really shy person" He explains leaving Patirica deep in thought. "You're right. I don't believe it... she must've been so cute" Patirica laughs along with Steven.
"The cutest." He agrees as the two watch her having fun in the water.
"She's so free and passionate... I couldn't imagine" Patricia mumbles, Steven nodding along with her.
"I know... she's just... amazing," Steven sighs out. "Agreed." Patricia smiles halfheartedly.
"Wanna see a photo of smaller Connie?" He asks. Patricia nods excitedly at the chance to see a small Connie.
He feels around for his phone, only to realize he'd left it at home. It's probably broken at this point anyway.
"Sorry... I left my phone at home." He facepalms. Patricia was a little disappointed but it didn't seem to phase her.
"It's alright. We have the real thing right there" Patirica mutters as she continues to watch Connie... hmm...
"Do you like her?" Steven asks out of the blue as he watches Patirica's previously troubled expression change in an instant. Her face flushed as she turned her attention to him.
"O... of course! S-she's my best friend ahahahah-"
"Not what I meant." He sighs as he takes a second to think about it.
Really it's perfect.
"..." she didn't respond for a while so he gave her the time she needed to finally admit it.
"I... I... yeah... sorry. I know this is awkward... I mean you're her boyfriend!" Patricia apologizes as she tries to hide her flustered face in her knees.
"Don't apologize..." He says as he carefully calculates what he was about to say...
"You should... go for it" Steven suggests regardless of how painful it was for him to say that. The moment the words left his mouth Patirica snapped her head up to look him dead in the eye.
"Wh... what!? B-but you and Connie are together!"
"Not for long" he mutters as Patricia raises an eyebrow at his words, a bad feeling swelling in her gut.
"I... I'm uh... going away soon... and I know she'd be good in your hands. Really it's a perfect match, you're both going to college together and I know you'd keep each other healthy and happy" Patricia looks at him for a second blankly...
"Wh-where... where are you going exactly?" she asks as if she's afraid... what could she be so scared of? His answer?
"Off planet. Just gem stuff is all." he lies through his teeth. She didn't seem convinced and they fell into a more intense silence.
...
It was worse than she thought. Was he... planning to...?
"Are... are you really though?" She asks and with that the mood shifts.
"What do you mean?" He raises an eyebrow in her direction. He didn't like that she was questioning him like this. She seemed nervous...did he make her nervous? Why is he always scaring people?
"I... uhm... I was getting dressed in your room and uh... tripped? On some loose clothes and uh I... saw this t-towel? And-"
He froze.
She... saw? H-his...
He was going to be sick.
"Wh- what are you talking about?" he cuts her off, his previously relaxed body language changes drastically into that of a defensive stance.
"I just- wanted to make sure you weren't- I wanted to believe it was just some weird alien thing, but then I saw the- the uh- b-blade? And bandages a-and stuff... and it all seemed really human actually- b-but I thought it was none of my business, b-but now-"
"You're right. It isn't any of your business. So drop it." He states as he buries his head into his knees in an attempt to hide away from the other.
"Are you... u-uh I mean- you know I have to tell Connie right?-"
" NO! "
His face flushed pink as his voice cracked. Patricia jumped in fright. Luckily the others had swum relatively far out in the ocean and were far enough away from Steven and Patricia otherwise it would have ruined their beach day. He's already ruined Patirica's he can't do it again.
Contain yourself, idiot .
"S-sorry- I- I... don't do it. D-don't tell her- she... she'd be devastated... if you just... pretend you didn't know... you can have Connie... isn't that what you want?" he says as he closes in on himself trying to force himself to breathe and keep the tears and anger at bay. How did this happen? Everything's wrong.
"Steven- I... may not know you. I don't know what's... what's going on in your life. And I don't know w-why you'd even... think about i-it- have a plan even! By the sounds of it... but I know Connie. And I know that if she sees you as someone worthy of being a part of her life... sees you as someone she could love for the rest of her life... then you're worth it. You need help, Steven... I know it probably means nothing coming from me,"
She's right. It means nothing.
"But... you have to understand life... can be beautiful you know? Especially with Connie by your side... and if you need me? Daniel even... well... we can be there too. We may not know you, but we can try to. I don't want a life with Connie if it means she doesn't get a life with you! You make her happy. You make everyone happy by the sound of it... so can't we at least try to make you happy?"
He contemplates for a while. A terrible, terrible plan forming in his head. As nice as that... little speech was. He was committed. No words could talk him down from his decision anymore. He's been pushed too far. But she wasn't going to drop it and he felt that in his gut. She was one of Connie's friends after all. They were bound to be as stubborn as she was.
"O-okay." He nods as he peeks through his arms ready to step back into character.
"Okay?" She raises an eyebrow suspiciously.
"Okay. I'll stop. I-I won't... I'll stop everything- I'll tell Connie everything. But... please. Let me be the one to do it. I don't want her to hear it from anyone else," her smile falters at that.
"It's just... your words... they... I felt them. You have no idea how long it's been since I've felt like that" he sniffles, ready to release the crocodile tears he'd built up. It was easy to cry on command nowadays.
"O-oh- Steven p-please don't c-cry," Patirica says awkwardly as his tears spill over and get everywhere.
"I'm so s-sorry-!" He cries out over dramatically as he allows her to hug him.
"Please... just let me tell her" he sniffles into her swimsuit. She takes a moment to think about it.
It was probably best if she heard it from him anyway... but... she had a bad feeling... she looks down into his puppy dog eyes and sighs in defeat... she couldn't say no to that...
"Okay," his shoulders relaxed at her words.
"But... you have to do it before we leave today."
... that could work with that plan he's got.
He thought to himself a little longer before the plan all came together in his head. He hated it... but it had to be done if Connie had any chance at being happy in a life without him.
"Of course" he nods as he wipes his watery eyes.
That was easy.
A few moments passed by as Steven worked to re-compose himself.
...
"S-so... uhm... how bad is it?" Patricia asks, obviously unsure of herself and her invasive question.
"Wh... I don't know? It's fine." he shrugs, and although Patirica didn't buy that it was 'fine', she didn't want to push him any further. He was obviously in a very fragile state of mind at the moment and she didn't want to upset him further.
An awkward tense silence seeped into the atmosphere for a while. It went on for such an obnoxious amount of time.
Patricia desperately wanted to go play with Connie and Daniel. It was hot and she came to have fun... not to deal with... this ... and sure he promised to tell Connie, and he promised to stop everything , but... who would keep a promise with someone they just met? Besides... from what she knows c-... c-cutting is a hard habit to be rid of. So regardless of the promise, she couldn't leave him alone. She couldn't. What if something happened? What if he went off by himself? The last thing he needed right now was to be by himself. Connie would never forgive her if he did something to himself. She wouldn't be able to forgive herself if he did something to himself.
So she sat there.
She shifted her glance over to him every once and a while just to make sure he wasn't doing anything... not so good. He looked a little more irritable than a couple of seconds ago... did he notice her peeking at him?... no... he was too deep in thought. She desperately wanted to pull him from his thoughts, but she didn't know what to say... she just wanted to play in the water.
She wanted to go. That much was obvious. So why wasn't she fucking going!?- nevermind. Scratch that. He knows exactly why. She keeps sneaking glances at him and thinks he doesn't notice, but he does. And it pisses him off. He doesn't need her pity. He doesn't want it.
"You should go play with the rest of 'em," He says quietly, trying to suppress the anger boiling in his stomach. He had to stay in character.
Stay in character Steven.
"N-nah... I'm good" Her voice seemed to crack.
"Please don't do that..." He whispers hopelessly.
"D-do what?" She laughs nervously as he looks up at her through wet eyelashes.
"Don't pity me."
"You came here to have fun. So go have fun... please... " she tensed up a little at the end. She really, really, really wanted to. But... she had this awful feeling in her stomach. There's no way he can be left here alone. The two sat there for a while longer, Steven about to say something before Connie came running at the two, a passionate flame in her eyes. Steven dreaded it. Her good mood was about to be ruined by him and he knew it. He felt it.
"Steven! Patty! You guys have to come in the water. It's so nice and refreshing and there are all these pretty sea creatures- with kind of creepy smiling faces- and it's SO cool. Plus yah can help me wipe that smug look off Daniel's face by helping me beat his ass at the splashing game" Connie says as she sits on her knees in front of Steven whose entire posture becomes tenser and tenser as the seconds pass.
"Yeah sounds awesome, but I don't have togs and I'd really just rather sit here" He smiles, Patricia only now realizing how fake his smiles were.
"Well... if you insist. I can stay here as well. Wanna make a sandcastle?" Connie asks as she gets in a more comfortable sitting position. Steven seems to contemplate to himself for a second.
"What about Daniel?" Steven asks as he looks over Connie's shoulder to see Daniel awaiting their arrival.
"Patty can go play with him! Right, Patty? Aren't you hot?" Connie asks Patricia who glances at Steven for a second. Connie was going to be here with him right? It should be... fine. And it would be the perfect time for him to tell her everything.
"Y-Yeah! So you're gonna... uh, stay here with Steven?" Patricia asks as Steven fails to stop himself from glaring at her.
"Yeah? Is that... a problem?" Connie asks as she looks back and forth between Patricia and Steven, only now picking up on the intense atmosphere.
"No! No, no, no. It's perfect actually... Steven has something he wants to tell you... right, Steven?" Patricia raises an eyebrow at the glaring Steven.
"Yeah..." Steven mutters, his face a little flushed, but at least he wasn't glowing.
"O... kay?" Connie is a little concerned about the intensity between her boyfriend and one of her best friends. She really thought the two would get along in all honesty.
Patricia gets to her feet and wipes some sand off her butt and such as she excitedly runs off toward Daniel and starts playing in the water, however, she doesn't take her eyes off the two for even a second. Steven rolls his eyes at that before Connie shifts her attention back toward him.
"Steven?" Connie asks, concern clearly laced in her voice. She had a bad feeling all morning... What was this all about? Why did Patirica know before she did? Is her Biscuit okay?
"I... the truth is... I..." Steven takes a deep breath. Follow through with the plan Steven, and everything will run smoothly.
"P-Patricia didn't want to... do this face to face and... she just asked me to... she..." Connie raises an eyebrow. He wasn't making sense.
Steven felt terrible doing this. It wasn't his place, but it was the only thing that would raise the mood between everyone enough for Patricia to be fooled and for his plan to work/
"S-she... Patricia... uh... like... likes you?" Connie tenses up for a second looking back at Patricia. Patricia, in turn, looks down thinking it was about her finding out about Steven's... predicament first.
"N... no. She... she would've told me... even if she hadn't yet she would've done it face to face at least... Patricia would've told me herself" Connie looks to the ground seeming to rethink things over, and over again.
"I... don't know what to say... sorry" Steven says as he looks away and to Patricia who seemed to think he was telling her the truth when really he was doing the furthest thing from that.
He really is the lowest of the low huh? Telling Patricia's personal secrets just to hide his ass... and now he's made Connie so upset and distraught and he was about to make it a lot worse... just like he always does. He makes everything worse. White was right...
He won't be able to make things worse soon even if the next part was the toughest part of the plan. It's all for the best in the end. Pull it off like a bandage and she'll be okay.
"Do you... like her? Because it's okay if you do." Steven says as to which Connie snaps her head up, seeming a little irritated by that question. It was a lot to process right now she doesn't know if she can take anymore.
"What? How could you even ask me that?! I love you. I love her of course... she's one of my best friends! But you're my soul mate. You're my jam bud." She says as Steven takes Connie's hands in his gloved ones.
"Well... maybe all we should be is... 'buds'." Steven says as Connie's eyes fill with tears.
"A-are you breaking up with me?!" Connie covers her mouth in shock. He looks to the sand sadly. It hurt. Everything hurt. He hated this... but it was for the best that he did it now.
She thought everything was fine?! Their relationship had been through so much these past few years of course, but they had always come out the other end.
Together.
Always together.
Of course, they've had their problems every once in a while. An occasional fight here and there, but that was every relationship! And sure it far distanced, but they were doing so well. Why now all of a sudden?
"I-is it because of the Patricia thing?! Because I've already said I don't feel that way about her!" Connie says. She couldn't help but let tears fall from her eyes and in turn making Steven cry. He hated this, he hated this, he hated this .
"N-no! It's just- I- I d-don't... feel that way... about you anymore..." He struggles to get out. He wanted to scream at her that it wasn't true because it wasn't. He was in love with Connie. He fell hard for her, and he's never been more in love with someone his whole life. He's never been so sure about something. It was shattering his heart to see her like this... haha shattering... just like how he'll be shattering himself later hahaha...
"I- this just- I think she could be good for you! It's perfect timing- I-I... I've been thinking about it f-for a while-" he lies, trying to hold back tears that have already slipped out.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt !
Connie stayed quiet for a while tearing her hands out of his and looking him dead in the eye.
"Say it. Say you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore! Say you don't want me to be your girlfriend! Look me dead in the eyes and tell me." She says, her eyebrows scrunching up in frustration and hurt.
He froze for a second. A moment flashed before his eyes. All those years ago when the handship crashed and he told her he didn't want to be friends anymore. When she said almost those exact words to him...
"Say it to my face! Say you don't want to be friends anymore! If you can do that... if you can do that I'll leave you alone! And I'll just go back to having no friends! But I won't believe it until you say it to my face!"
Those words still haunted him.
"Say it!" She growls causing him to flinch back and snap him back into reality.
He'd caved last time... he told her he still wanted to be friends...
"Go on!"
But this wasn't like that. He wasn't going to cave.
"I don't want to be your boyfriend Connie. I don't want you to be my girlfriend. I don't love you anymore." He said, his tone cold and devoid of emotion. His crying had come to a complete halt as had his emotions. They seemed to flip off.
Connie's tears only flowed more. She looked angry for a second, but that turned to an expression of hopelessness. She got to her feet.
"I want to go home" She sniffles, wiping her nose as she begins to walk off toward the warp pad, picking up a towel on the way there.
Steven looked after her emotionlessly before Patricia and Daniel ran after her. Steven gets to his feet picking up the towels the other two left behind and followed the group a few feet behind.
"Connie! Connie are you okay?" Patricia catches up to the other who growls at the sound of Patricia's voice.
" You are the last person I want to talk to right now." Connie spits leaving Patricia in shock as Steven walks toward the group who seemed to be bickering.
"What?... C-Connie- I know I didn't tell you straight away- I thought it would be better hearing it from Steven-"
"WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?!" Connie yells, although straight that explosion her expression softens up for a second at Patirica's terrified looking face. Connie takes a deep breath. The group finally made it onto the warp pad awaiting Steven's arrival.
"I... I'm sorry. I'm just- I'm too tired to deal with this right now and I want to go home. I'll talk to you later. Steven warp us home." Connie huffs and diverts her attention away from Steven who stared blankly back at her. Steven gets on the warp and this time he takes them back to the temple in an instant.
He wasn't tired. He didn't feel scared or panicked. He felt nothing.
And he hated it with a burning passion, although he couldn't bring himself to care right now it seemed.
The group arrives back at the house in silence. Patricia sending worried glances between both Connie and Steven. Daniel stands there awkwardly not knowing what to say or do... he missed so much... he's so confused. One moment they were all having fun at the magical beach and then everyone was yelling about things he didn't understand and now it was just so awkward. What the heck did he miss? Connie was seething with anger and sadness; he didn't think it was the best moment to disturb her. Patricia reeked of guilt and shame and Steven... Steven seemed to be distant. Not just physically. He seemed mentally gone. It was disturbing.
Patricia was so confused and felt horrible. She thought she did the best she could at that moment. It seemed better for Steven to tell Connie himself, and after he did she would've thought Connie would've been kind and understanding to especially Steven, but she just seemed upset at everyone, especially Steven. Maybe she didn't know Connie as well as she thought she did.
When they finally made it back inside the Temple Connie headed straight for her bag instructing her two friends to pack up their things. The group followed Connie as she headed straight for the door not noticing Pearl, Amethyst or Garnet on her way out.
"Lion!" Connie yells out. The furry creature took less than a minute to be by her side. Steven followed the group out and watched as Connie got on the furry creature.
"Get on," Connie mutters down to her friends who struggle to get atop the pink fury lion, but eventually make it on top. Steven looks up at Connie knowing it was the last time he'd ever see her.
It was for the best. This is what he deserved.
"Goodbye, Connie." He says, his eyes empty as Connie looks down at him for a second. His words sent chills up her spine. She shook the feeling off as just her being overdramatic about the break up that had just happened- and oh my god Steven just broke up with her!
She doesn't say anything for a while. Steven stakes it as his cue to leave and so he starts walking away. Towels in hand. But Patricia couldn't keep her mouth shut. It didn't feel right.
"I... is it really the best thing to leave him by himself? I-I don't think we should..." Patricia looks down at the other who had already started walking back to the entrance of the Temple door.
Connie looked to Steven who had already shut the Temple door behind himself and could only feel heartbreak when she looked at him.
"He's fine." Connie mutters under her breath as she asks Lion to warp them back to her house.
He was always fine.
-
Woo-BOI ITs quarantine time babey which hopefully means I can write more? But i dunno it depends on my schedule and motivation but yeet i'll try write more... I hope you enjoyed???? I have to be honest idk where im going with this and im just writing what feels right so forgive me? Im not sure if I like hurt/comfort or if I just want hurt... i may write two endings i have no idea yet. No promises we'll see where it goes yo i may go hurt/comfort cause im a big softie. Also im excited for the next chapter... its gonna be a fucking scene alright... oof but yeet uh thanks for reading and I appreciate ya'll! Take care of yourselves during this time and be safe I love you all <33
Cheers!
Bai, bai ^-^
Lubs <3
- ExistentTrash
(also shhhhh but someone in the comments on a03 mentioned arty stuff and i wanted to draw for this too so here's a sketch of steb and Patricia from this fic warning - self-harm showed explicitly after the excessive spaces take care.)