chapter twenty one - serious
I spent the first two weeks of July avoiding Sirius like the plague.
He seemed to respect that, as all I had to do to avoid him was not go into his childhood bedroom or the living room. He took up my favorite pastime, staring at the little shrine of photos that I had of my brother and my best friend.
A few days after I got home, I carefully made my way downstairs to sit in the living room for a while before going to make dinner. Remus and Esme had been very good about helping me, and even Sirius offered help a few times. I always reminded him of that poor pecan pie, and he would back off with a smile.
I just wanted to see James, but Sirius was sitting on the couch when I walked in.
"Oh, hi."
"How are you feeling?"
"Fine. You?"
"Great."
"Cool."
"Did you need anything?"
"No. I just... I like to sit and watch the photos sometimes. It gives me peace of mind, keeps their memory fresh in my head. It's been longer since you've seen them, so I'm just going to go start dinner."
"Do you need help?"
"Remember the pie?"
"Alright, be careful?"
"Of course."
I slid out of the living room and leaned against the closed door. My heart was, once again, hammering in my chest. I hated how nervous Sirius made me.
Though it was better than being alone with Remus, who stared at me like I was an injured gazelle. If he wasn't treating me like a fragile little bird, he was asking what I planned to do about the whole Sirius thing.
Remus tried, and failed to hide the jealousy whenever Sirius and I interacted during dinner. He tried so hard, and failed so miserably, whenever he asked if I planned to take Sirius back. I could see the envy in his eyes whenever Sirius made me laugh, but what was I supposed to do? Ice my husband out just to coddle Remus' feelings?
He left me.
They both did.
Any choices I made about who I was going to 'take back', or forgive, was mine to make.
If I had to take both of their feelings into account whenever I made a decision about my love life, I would end up single forever. Remus and Sirius would both always be jealous of whoever I dated, even if it was neither of them.
Had I even thought that Sirius would break out of Azkaban and return to me, I never would have dated Remus.
Because in the end, we all know who I'll choose.
A week before Aubrey's 14th birthday, I was sitting in the living room planning some sort of get together for her. I wanted to invite the Weasleys, and I wanted to invite Harry too. Her birthday was only a few days before his, and I figured it would be nice to celebrate both occasions together.
He'd been writing us, Sirius and I, quite frequently. He wrote to Sirius more often, typically sending a few letters at a time. I think he was just overjoyed to have a father figure.
It was just the day before that Harry told me that Sirius talked about me more often than what Harry had actually written him about. I wasn't surprised, according to Lilian, all he did was talk about me.
I had been floored when Aubrey forgave him, less than a week after we came home. I don't know what he said, or did, but she came to my room in the middle of the night crying. I had asked her what was wrong, and she asked if it was okay that she forgave Sirius. She had been crying because she was worried I would be upset with her.
Of course, I told her that she was allowed to forgive him whenever she felt she was ready.
But I had expected her to be the last to forgive him.
Lilian was never mad at him, so there was no forgiving needing to be done with them. It was heartwarming seeing those two together, seeing Sirius learning all that he could about the daughter he hadn't known he had. Even Remus admitted that it was nice to see Lilian so happy and excited about something.
Esme, however, wouldn't even look at Sirius. Every time he came into a room, she left. The only time that they were in the same room was during dinner, and even then, Esme was furiously silent the entire time.
She refused to talk to me about it, and I understood. She was the only one who remembered him, but I had thought that would mean she would forgive him first.
I didn't know she was so angry.
My mind was swirling with thoughts, about Harry and Aubrey's birthdays, about Esme's anger, and about Remus' jealousy. I tried to focus on the birthdays, but then Esme's anger would slip into my mind. When I would try to refocus, I would ask myself if Remus would be angry if I forgave Sirius.
I was just about to give up and go back to my room when Sirius opened the door.
"Oh, I can go."
"You're fine."
"Really?"
I smiled softly at the excitement that was laced into that one little word. The look of hopeful anticipation plastered on his face was far too adorable to handle. I glanced away for a moment, stifling the urge to giggle before I nodded.
"Yeah, I don't mind," At this point, I had been wanting to talk to Sirius, I just didn't know how to get him alone. He was almost always with Aubrey and Lilian, and I didn't want to take that time away from them. They had twelve years to make up for. I smiled weakly as Sirius took a step into the living room and shut the door behind him. He stood awkwardly and I stifled another tiny little giggle. Merlin, I hated giggling. I raised an eyebrow as I struggled to keep a stoic expression as he stood there anxiously, "You can sit down."
"Where?"
"I don't care?"
"So, is sitting beside you alright?"
"I -" I was sitting on the loveseat, the photos to my right. Just a slight head turn and I could stare at them for hours. Beside me would leave little room between us, and that simple thought sent my heart into palpitations. I smiled weakly, "You can sit wherever."
Sirius smirked and approached the seat beside me. I thought he was going to sit directly beside me, but he sat on the couch instead. He was still closer to me than he had been in a while, as the arm of the couch was touching the arm of the loveseat. I was sitting on the cushion closest to the pictures, but even then, that wasn't a lot of space.
"What're you working on?"
"Trying to plan a little thing for Aubrey's birthday."
"What do you have so far?"
"I want to invite the Weasleys since Aubrey is friends with Ron, and also her friend Hermione. I want to invite Harry and make it a two-for-one thing, but I don't know how he would get here."
"Does it have to be here?"
"If it's anywhere else, you won't be able to come."
"You want me there?"
"Sirius," I looked at him and made eye contact with my husband for the first time in weeks. I knew that he had good reason to ask, and that made me feel awful, "She's your daughter. You've missed twelve birthdays, I don't want you to miss anymore."
"You could just go and get him. You know where Lily's sister lives, correct?" I nodded and Sirius shrugged, "You have plans to take them to that Quidditch thing in August, he can just stay here until then, or go home with Ron and stay with them."
"That's a good point. There's no way that Petunia would refuse to let him come with me, she knows I'll curse her arse off. Even Vernon wouldn't dare to try. I'd let Harry chose where to stay, though I assume he'll likely go with Ron and Hermione. If he chooses to go to the Burrow, I'll let Aubrey go as well."
"Aren't I always full of good ideas?"
"You tried to bake me a pecan pie, and burnt it to an unrecognizable brick."
"It's the thought that counts."
I couldn't help but laugh as I rolled my eyes. That familiar thudding in my chest returned, but it was accompanied by pain. I wanted to forgive him, so badly. I really did, but I was still so hurt by the way that he left.
Aside from what he said, Sirius didn't even tell me that my brother died.
From the way that his smile faded, I knew that my own smile had faded into another expression.
Probably sadness.
"What's on your mind?"
"James."
He didn't speak for a long moment, "I'm sorry."
"For what? There's a lot to be sorry for."
I tried to smile, but it felt more like a grimace.
"I shouldn't have left you to grieve him on your own, Jem. I should have been there to comfort you, so you weren't alo-"
"I wasn't alone, Sirius. When you saw their house or their bodies, or whatever you saw that told you they were dead, you didn't come home. You didn't come home and tell me that my brother was dead. That my best friend was dead. Remus did. He came to our home and told me that they were dead, he thought I knew. He was coming to talk about funeral arrangements."
"I'm sorry."
"He never left. He came, told me they were dead and he never really left. I went to their house on your birthday and I sat in James and Lily's room crying while I sorted through their pictures. I had to make sure that everything they loved made it out safely. At some point, something happened with Lilian, and when Remus found me, we had to rush to St. Mungo's. She was born three months premature, on November 4th. Remus brought me home, where I couldn't stand to be, and so he helped me look for a house. He helped me move my entire life out of Godric's Hollow and to the Scottish countryside. He stayed with me then. He took better care of our daughters than I ever could have. I didn't have to grieve them alone, I had Remus. No matter how grateful I am that he stayed, no matter how much I love him for staying, he wasn't who I wanted to grieve them with. I wanted you. I needed you. I was never alone, even when Remus had to leave for the full moon, Dean and Kayla came by.
"I was never alone, but I felt so lonely. The only person I wanted holding me as I cried over my brother's death was you. I wanted you, and you were so far away. There's no apologizing for that, Sirius."
"Then what can I do to make you forgive me?"
"Nothing. There's nothing you can do to make me forgive you quicker. I'll forgive you when I'm ready to."
"Will you?"
"Eventually," I smiled weakly. My heart felt so raw at that moment, seeing the pure vulnerability on his face. There were tears in his eyes as he watched me. I knew that he felt nothing but pain, I could see it written all over his face. I hated seeing him in that much pain, "I have loved you for nearly twenty years, Sirius. That is one of the things that I can promise you have not changed. It never will. Even if it takes me years to forgive you, I will. How could I not?"
"Do you have any idea how much I have missed hearing your voice?"
"Of course I do, I haven't heard yours since... Well. I've missed you, deeply. I thought I would never see you again, Sirius. Every day for the last twelve years, I have missed you with every part of me. No matter how angry I am with you, I will not lie and say that I haven't missed you."
"What's happened since I've been gone?"
Not a lot, aside from the fact that I nearly had a baby with Remus, who I dated for five years and nearly divorced you to marry. Nope, not a lot.
"Too much to tell you right now."
Sirius nodded, smiling weakly at me.
I wanted nothing more than I wanted to curl up beside him and allow him to hold me. As I watched him watch me, I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he loved me.
I knew that wherever he was, James was shouting at me for being an idiot and not forgiving him at that moment. Lily was probably mirroring him, telling me that I knew that I was no longer angry with him.
If she were here, she would tell me that I had already forgiven him, and she would be right.