It was close to sunrise when Katsuki woke up. His body ached and his head felt heavily clouded. A quick glance at his alarm clock told him that it was only about 4:20 in the morning. Even for him, that was a little early.
He laid there for a while, his thoughts running wild in the dark. It was unusual for him to have such an early wake-up call, but he did just have an unusual day. He had felt...off ever since he saw the way Izuku and Todoroki interacted during lunch. Whatever it was had been serious enough to throw the nerd off his game during combat training. All those looks, all those glances, all those frowns. It drove Katsuki crazy and he couldn't even pinpoint a reason why.
Was it because he knew Izuku was well above whatever that half and half had spewed to him?
What exactly did he say?
Why was Izuku so nervous?
What happened after they both left the common area?
Why was it so important to Katuski that he found out?
The blond let out a groan and slid a tired hand down his face, ignoring the small protest in his body at the action. He was still so exhausted, yet it appeared that his mind refused to let him go back to sleep.
It annoyed him to no end, but Katsuki couldn't deny that it was eating him on the inside not knowing what was going on. Everything seemed like it could tie in together as if the things he wasn't understanding were smaller pieces to a bigger puzzle.
What he did know, was that it was all linked to Izuku. Somehow, it would all trace back to the nerd and his stupid fluffy green curls and his stupidly wide emerald eyes and his blindingly bright smile and--
Wait what?
Katsuki shook his head and sat up in bed, the sheets rustling with his movement. He was tired and confused and upset. Unless he went over to Izuku's room to settle this, he wouldn't have his peace.
What were even the chances that he would be up at this time?
Close to none. It was early as hell.
Despite this knowledge, the blond still leapt out of his bed and walked over to the door. He didn't bother putting shoes or any kind of sandals on. He was the one who cleaned the dorms this time around so fuck anyone if they thought he did a horrible job at it.
When he stepped out into the hallway, he was surprised to feel how cold it was but shrugged it off. His quirk allowed him to feel fairly comfortable in cold temperatures, so it wasn't a big deal to begin with.
The quiet patter of his feet against the hardwood floor sounded loud to his ears, especially knowing that everyone else was fast asleep in their own beds in each room he passed. Pressing the button to the elevator...stepping in...pressing Izuku's floor...it all felt so slow to him.
He was so close to knowing what was going on, but it felt like years were passing him by. Each step weighed a ton and he hated the feeling. It wasn't as if whatever he'd find out would be bad, so why did it feel like this was the end of the world?
Standing in front of Izuku's door felt so foreign to Katsuki. He never had a reason to be here before, but now he had a damn good one.
At first, a quiet knock disturbed the peace of the hallway, the blond trying not to wake anyone else on the floor besides the boy inside. But the quiet didn't last long before he heard something big fall to the floor from inside of Izuku's room.
"I'm coming!" He heard a loud whisper come from the other side, at least confirming that the boy was awake.
Katsuki stood there, his arms crossed over his chest in impatience.
He was close. He was so close to understanding the problem with Izuku. And yet the nerd was taking too damn long to open the door.
It felt as if years had passed before the door disappeared from in front of him to reveal the green-haired boy he's been waiting for.
Izuku looked disheveled, to say the least, hair sticking out in a mass of curls that looked completely different from how he normally styled it. The t-shirt and sweats that he called pajamas were all wrinkled up around his body as if he'd been tossing and turning all night. There were darkening rings under his eyes, confirming that he hadn't gotten much sleep.
"K-Kacchan?" Izuku whispered. "What are you doing here?"
"I live in the dorms too, nerd," Katsuki answered, raising a brow. The other gave a shy chuckle at the statement.
"Pfft, you know what I mean. What are you doing here at my room?"
"I'm not exactly trying to stay in the hallway all day so minus well let me in your room, Deku," Surprisingly, the addressed boy's face lit up in a fiery cascade of color.
"I-I...uh..." Izuku shook his head briefly before stepping aside to let Katsuki in. Once the blond was inside, the door was shut, coating the room in darkness aside from the illuminated lamp on Izuku's desk. "So...what is it that you want?"
Katsuki turned to look at him, crimson eyes scrutinizing every little movement the boy made.
How was he going to ask? He'd stressed over this for hours, but now that he was face to face with the emerald eyes he's been thinking of there was no way he knew how to word this. What does he start with?
"What the hell was your problem during combat training?" Well, that's one way to start the conversation.
Izuku stared at him, eyes looking between his own as if he'd find a joke hidden somewhere underneath the irises.
"What do you mean by that?"
If Katsuki was stressed before, he's far beyond concerned now.
"Are you serious right now, Deku?" The blond held out his hand to motion to the other boy, brows furrowed in slight frustration and confusion. Izuku walked closer, passing him by and sitting on the edge of his bed. He waited for Katsuki to do the same before he spoke.
"I am. I have no idea what you're talking about. Was something wrong with me during training?" Izuku furrowed his brows now too, looking extremely lost about where this was going.
Did he not notice...?
Katsuki ran a tired hand through his bed-headed hair. It was far too early for this shit...but then again he was the one who came up here at almost 4:30 in the morning.
What's he supposed to say now? Izuku clearly didn't think his behavior was off, so maybe it was all in his head? No, there was no way that was the case. He saw it. He saw the weird look in those sparkling green eyes. He saw the worried glances thrown at their classmate. He saw the distraction on his face. He saw the expression aimed at him. He saw the charged smash.
He saw it...
He saw it all...
So if he saw it...
Then there was no way Izuku hadn't...
Neither boy picked up the conversation for a moment, Izuku squirming in his spot on the sheets. He was very obviously waiting for Katsuki to answer his conversation, but the blond didn't know how to do so. All he could do was give a mild glare in the other's direction.
A frustrated sigh pushed out of Katsuki's mouth as his elbows found their place on top of his knees. His hands folded and held his forehead up while Izuku blinked at him confused.
"Uh...Kacchan?" He asked hesitantly.
"Shit Deku!" Katsuki snapped, his head shooting up suddenly to properly scowl at the greenette. Izuku flinched away.
"Huh?"
"What the hell do you remember from your fight with Pink Cheeks?" The blond narrowed his eyes, watching Izuku open his mouth to respond only to close it again.
The greenette looked away, settling his gaze on his scarred hand with hard eyes.
"I remember starting it...Uraraka and I exchanged attacks...she came up with a really cool strategy that got to me...I..." He fumbled a bit. "...I punched the floor..." A hand came up to touch his own forehead. "...I punched...the...floor...?"
"You were also giving looks to Icy Hot all throughout your match. Remember that?" Katsuki muttered just loud enough for Izuku to hear him.
"Ah...I guess I was..." The boy cleared his throat. "By the way I...he told me what had been bothering him. When you asked yesterday about what we had been talking about, I can...I can explain now," Izuku looked back at Katsuki, determination written across his face, even in the dull lighting of the desk lamp.
Katsuki studied his expression carefully, choosing not to say anything else and instead nodding his head to signal the boy to start talking.
"Ok...so..."
______
"And that's what he told me..." Izuku finally finished after half an hour. It was nearly 5 am now and the curtains were beginning to illuminate with streaks of an early sunrise.
Katsuki stared at him, both boys properly seated at the edge of Izuku's bed side by side. The greenette refused to meet his eyes, staring at his feet instead. His eyebrows were scrunched together, his teeth worrying at his bottom lip. The blond had to admit, the nightmare threw him off as well.
If the two of them were reacting this way, how the hell was Todoroki feeling about everything?
"Kacchan...?" Izuku whispered, pulling Katsuki away from getting lost in his thoughts. He grunted to let the nerd know he had heard him.
The other male hesitated, his hands gripping the sheets as if he was afraid of his own words.
"Spit it out, Deku," Katsuki spoke quietly, carefully watching Izuku's body language and how he swallowed before continuing.
"I was...I was doing some research..." he glanced at his desk where the lamp was still on, an open book Katsuki hadn't noticed before sitting next to it. "...research on hidden meanings in uhm...in dreams. Snakes...snakes they mean hidden threats and...or betrayal," Izuku took a pause, the blond keeping quiet to allow him to get his words right. "The snake, Kacchan...the snake in his dream was me..." The boy's eyes glossed over, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. "So...s-so then does that mean I...I-I can't be trusted...?"
"Deku--"
"That wasn't all!" Izku cut him off, his head turning so that their gazes could lock.
The hurt in his emerald eyes killed any form of comment that Katsuki was going to make about being interrupted. It was obvious that Todoroki's nightmare had cut deep, but the blond didn't know just how badly a wound it was.
"Th-the shackles...they...they mean he feels held back o-or unhappy..."
"We already knew that his father's a piece of shit who made his life a living hell," Katsuki retorted crossing his arms and laying them on his lap.
"Then why wasn't it Endeavor?! Why was it me?!" Izuku snapped, tears finally spilling over. His scarred hand came up to catch the tears before they fell, it doing little to stop the overflow of emotions.
The blond had little to no experience with comforting people, so he sat there awkwardly, crimson eyes soft whilst he looked on at Izuku. The other boy's shoulders were shaking with sobs, and he wondered if it would be right to reach over and put his hands on them.
"Wh-why was it me, Kacchan...? Why...why...why...? I don't...I-I don't understand..." The boy's small voice croaked, trying to get Katsuki to answer.
No, not to answer.
To give the right answer.
What was the right answer?
Was there even a right answer?
If there was, what is it?
How does he say it?
Would it even help if he said it?
Izuku's cries were silenced instantly when a hand gently placed itself on his shoulder. He looked at the hand confused, obviously not expecting Katsuki to try and comfort him.
"K-Kacchan...what..." He tried to ask, stopping when suddenly he was pulled into an awkward hug.
Katsuki had no idea what he was doing, but he remembered seeing Auntie do this when they were kids. Izuku would always cry a lot about small things, and he only calmed down when his mom held him in her arms like this.
Or...sort of like this.
His arms were weirdly wrapped around the smaller boy's shoulders, keeping him close to his chest. Eventually, he realized that it was probably in the wrong place and so he moved one of his hands to rest on Izuku's back. The greenette's hands were awkwardly pressed into Katsuki's shirt beside his head, fingers curled into tight fists.
"Stop worrying you damn nerd...It was just a nightmare that Half n' Half probably had after a rough day. There's no reason for you to feel so torn up about a damn mind movie your stupid friend had," Katsuki pulled away from the hug slowly, holding Izuku at arm's length to look him in the eye. "It's not like you're a fucking villain or a traitor at that. You and your damn hero complex could never betray anyone, Deku," The blond spoke sternly, finalizing his point.
He didn't know when he had found the words to say anything, but hearing Izuku cry and lose faith in himself over a stupid fucking nightmare didn't sit well with him. He needed him to understand that it was just a dream and that dreams don't have an impact on anyone's real life.
Izuku's eyes searched his own, tears still falling from his chin but at a much slower rate. After a silent moment between the two, the green-haired boy gave a wobbly smile.
"Wow, Kacchan. I didn't expect you to be so great at pep talks," He chuckled, wiping the tears off his face. Katsuki clicked his tongue and pulled his hands away, sitting properly once more as Izuku did the same.
"Damn nerd. I'm great at everything!" He rebutted, causing Izuku to laugh.
"Yes yes. I know..." the way the boy said it caused Katsuki to look over once more. He was gazing down at his bare feet with a foreign longing, swinging them slightly.
Once again, the room was quiet. This time it didn't take too long for the peace to be broken.
"I don't have a hero complex!" Izuku suddenly exclaimed as if the words had just registered in his mind. Katsuki stared at him for a moment before bumping his barefoot against the other's.
"Yes you fucking do, Deku," He responded.
"Ah, no I don't! A hero is supposed to save everyone! And your feet are cold, Kacchan!" The greenette returned the favor by bumping his foot back.
"A hero is supposed to save everyone he can. Not get themselves killed trying to save every civilian along with the other heroes. I mean, seriously Deku? We're all heroes in training, it's not just you. And fuck you my feet aren't cold you liar," Katsuki said back, hitting his foot once again.
"I do save everyone I can!" Izuku whined, continuing their small foot game.
"Yeah, and then you break your body trying to do more than you can,".
Bump.
"Hey! I haven't broken a bone in a while! The last time I broke a bone was almost two months ago!"
Bump.
"That shouldn't even be a fucking accomplishment, shitty Deku! Why are you proud of that?!"
Bump.
"Because I'm getting better at controlling my quirk! Why shouldn't I be proud of that?!"
Bump.
The two boys continued their lighthearted bickering, playfully hitting their feet against one another as they sat side by side on Izuku's bed. Pretty soon, their words weren't words anymore, but bouts of laughter. At some point they had laid back to catch their breaths, their feet lightly tapping one another.
They were panting slightly from laughing so hard, that being the only sound in the quiet.
Katsuki thought for a moment, shifting his head so he can look at Izuku who currently had red cheeks and an air of calmness around him.
"Deku..." He spoke quietly, the named boy turning to look at him with an expression of confusion at the sudden serious tone of his voice.
"Hm?" Izuku hummed, showing that the blond had his attention.
"During the match with Pink Ch--Uraraka, you looked at me. And right after you did you charged a full punch. You dodged completely answering before, but I'm asking again. What do you remember from your fight?"
Katsuki knew that Izuku's memory must have been at least a bit foggy. The way he answered earlier sounded uncertain, almost as if he was reading a script based on events that played out from someone else's point of view.
Izuku furrowed his brows, looking up at the ceiling and at the array of colors now cascading across it from the sunrise.
"If I'm being honest Kacchan...I don't know what I remember..."
Ok, he wasn't really expecting that kind of answer.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Katsuki questioned. Izuku shrugged his shoulders as if that was supposed to help either of their confusion.
"I don't know. Throughout the fight it felt like...it felt like I was on autopilot?"
"Autopilot?"
"Yeah yeah I know it's weird, but that's how it felt. I wasn't thinking about a way to beat Uraraka like I normally would, I didn't even really notice any of her own strategies until they had already been executed. My body was reacting mechanically to her offenses and instinctively coming up with offenses of its own. My mind...it felt hollowed out...like there was nothing there for me to use...like there was nothing at all," Izuku looked at him again. "But then when I looked at you..." his cheeks tinted red, the color making Katsuki vaguely compare his freckles to the seeds on a strawberry. "When I looked at you Kacchan...it was like my entire...being was supercharged or something. I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins and making my heart beat a mile a minute. I wanted to win so badly then. I felt that if I didn't win the match, you'd be mad at me. You would no longer see me as a worthy opponent...I'd lose everything I tried so hard to gain up to this point..." Izuku's voice cracked.
Katsuki didn't say anything for a minute, everything Izuku said slowly sank in and registered in his mind.
"Dammit Deku..." He murmured, draping a tired arm over his eyes. The greenette gave a dry chuckle.
"I know...it sounds stupid right? I mean, it was only a simple combat training lesson and I got way too emotional—"
"That's not it," Katsuki stopped him, lowering his arm to give Izuku a serious glare.
"Huh? I..." The other boy fumbled, not sure how to react. "What are you talking about?" He finally questioned.
"Dek—Izuku," The blond said sternly. Izuku's eyes slightly widened at the use of his first name. "I think you're forgetting that I lost a match yesterday too, idiot. And I've lost multiple times before then. I can still kick everyone's ass, including yours, but not without effort. Fighting you after All Might's retirement was harder than I ever thought it would be, so don't you dare think that I'm going to go back to underestimating you over some stupid shit like yesterday. I lost to the fucking invisible girl, remember?" He chose not to say that it was because he was looking at Izuku instead of focusing on the match that he lost. "And don't you fucking underestimate me either," he finished.
Izuku stared at him, an unreadable emotion in his expression. For a moment, Katsuki thought that maybe he had overstepped a line, confusing himself when he couldn't find anything wrong with what he said.
Maybe there was nothing wrong with what he said.
Maybe he said it right.
Maybe he said the wrong answer right.
Before he could open his mouth to justify his words further, Izuku smiled.
"Yeah. Ok, Kacchan. I won't...thank you..." He said quietly, the tone in his voice doing questionable things to the blond's chest.
"Whatever nerd..." Katsuki answered back, sitting up to leave.
"Kacchan?" Izuku started, sitting up as well.
"What is it now?"
Katsuki turned his gaze on the greenette, the red on his cheeks becoming more prominent the longer he stared.
"Nothing it's just...why'd you come up here so early in the morning?"
The two of them froze. Izuku because he was waiting for his question to be answered, and Katsuki because he had no idea how to answer.
"That's none of your damn business," He settled for saying, getting up and making his way over to the door.
"Oh come on Kacchan!" Izuku whined as he followed to see him out. "I just want to know!"
"And why do you want to know?" Katsuki stopped and turned to face the other male, crossing his arms across his chest expectantly.
"Uhm, because you came up to my floor to my room to talk to me???" Izuku gave him a lopsided smile, still confused with the blond's behavior. Katsuki sucked his teeth and opened the door to leave, but paused before setting foot out into the hallway. "Uhm, because you came up to my floor to my room to talk to me???" Izuku gave him a lopsided smile, still confused with the blond's behavior. Katsuki sucked his teeth and opened the door to leave, but paused before setting foot out into the hallway.
"I couldn't sleep knowing there was something wrong. Or rather..." He gave Izuku a look that the greenette couldn't help but blush at. "I couldn't sleep knowing there was something wrong with you." And with that he left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
On his way back to his own room, he wished he could say his worries were put at ease.
He wished he could say that talking with Izuku quelled the aching that had kept him up.
But he couldn't.
He left Izuku's room with a sinking feeling in his chest.
He left Izuku's room with dread pooling in his stomach.
There was something he should have said.
There was something he needed to say.
But he didn't know what it was.
He had almost turned around to go back, but there was nothing pushing him to do so.
He would soon regret that morning.
He would soon wish that he had gone back around to tell him.
He would soon curse his past self for not understanding what Izuku's expressions had meant.
He would soon hate it all.
He would soon hate. It. All.