as soon as my head hits my pillow, i reach for my phone and dial the only number i know to call in a situation like this. after five rings, the line falls silent and i turn my phone face down. of course he isn't going to answer, he's probably regretting the moments we shared right now. i don't know how to feel about the fact that nick left, and probably isn't coming back. i know i should be heartbroken, ive spent a year with the boy and he has been my everything for so long. i just can't get colby out of my mind, and i find myself worried about his feelings more than i am about nick's.
i groan before deciding to just put my thoughts to rest. i spend about an hour tossing and turning in my comfortable bed before i find my eyes slowly shutting, and my mind drifting off to a dreamlike state. i am never completely unconscious, just slightly less aware of my surroundings than normal.
•
my phone is ringing a little too loudly and i turn over, hoping to see colbys name on my screen. i am slightly let down when i see carolyn's instead, but i press the answer button anyways.
"hello?"
"hi, sorry if i woke you. i'm just calling to let you know that the release date for paralyzed has been pushed back to february 20th, rather than the twelfth."
"oh, alright. thank you for letting me know. is everything okay?" i ask, disappointed in myself. i know this has to do with my slip-up at the press conference yesterday, and i know it's my fault.
"yes, after yesterday we need a little bit more time to fix your imagine, and then we are good to go." i understand that i have to correct my image and all, but i've spent months saying february twelfth. it sucks that the date has to change, i'm disappointed in myself. being asked about colby on stage made me lose my composure, and to be professional means to keep your calm in situations like that. i guess i am still getting used to being put on spot like that.
"okay, and i'll still see you tomorrow right?"
"yes ma'am!" she speaks enthusiastically and i giggle. i say my goodbyes and hang up, and note that it is already nine in the morning. i practically force myself out of bed and decide to make the most of my semi-good mood and take a quick shower before my thoughts get the best of me and i find myself sprawled out on my bed on the verge of tears.
i feel like an idiot, kissing colby after all these years. he hasn't returned my call from last night, but i'm not surprised. i am sure he's regretting our night together just the same. i am sure that he has already decided to never speak to me again. i feel careless for throwing away my love with nick for colby—who doesn't love me the way i deserve to be loved. i think the way he acted last night had to have been pretend, because there's no way he could be so good. if he really was everything i'd ever dreamt of him being, he would've answered my call.
as if my prayers are answered, my phone erupts in a loud buzzing noise on my bedside table and i quickly reach to grab it. when i see julia's name, i am less than enthused but answer it nonetheless.
"hello?" i call out to silence, my voice weak from the crying. "do you want to drive me to go get my car from the club? jake offered but... i figured you might need to rant..." she trails off as she explains why she is asking me to help her, but i couldn't say no. it was my choice to have colby drive her home, so of course i'd drive her to get her car—despite the fact that i desperately don't want to rant. i don't want to have to talk about how my life fell apart last night, and how i thought it had been made instead.
"of course, want me to come now?" i ask and wait for her response. i can hear her rustling around on the other end, but i just sit patiently in silence. "yeah, that's cool. see you in a few?" she asks and i assure her of my soon-to-be presence and hang up. it takes a giant push of energy to get myself out of my bed, but i do it for julia.
when i find myself in my car, my mind wanders to a place where i can be with colby this morning. where i can turn back time and decide not to leave him all those years ago. where i get to wake up to him every day and kiss him whenever i'd like to.
the drive goes by rather quickly and before i know it julia is already in my car—prodding for details about my night. i take a deep breath before explaining to her what happened, and how the coincidence led to the end of my relationship with nick.
"wow... have you talked to colby today?" she asks, shocked by my dumping of information on her. i feel bad that she always has to watch me try to fix these things, and she can't exactly yell at me to stop. i could see the shame in her eyes when i told her about my spontaneous decision to kiss him, and how much i regret it now. if i had known i'd feel this way the next day, i think i would take away the adrenaline and love that i felt.
"no, i haven't. i wanted to call again when i woke up but he never responded last night," i shrug.
"wait... how do you have his number?" she asks and my heart drops. don't tell me i called the wrong number, and all this worrying has been for nothing. "has it changed?" i ask, my mouth slightly parted in surprise as i keep my eyes on the road.
"yeah, he got a new one a while ago..." her giggle is light-hearted, but my soul feels a deep pain when i realize the fault in my actions. i was so upset, thinking that he was ignoring me today. he never got the phone call that was made from the deep pain i felt after nick had left, and i was all alone. maybe it's better that his number changed, maybe calling him in my depressive state wasn't a good idea in the first place.
"can you give it to me when we get there?" i ask, and julia only nods. she falls silent, probably unsure of how she is supposed to comfort me in this moment. it feels like the past repeating itself, but i don't mind it. i like the way he makes me feel, like a lost child. i silently reminisce of the times i would tell tara all about my adventures with colby, and how they made me feel. it was every single day then that he had me on my toes, and i don't think i hate the idea of that feeling coming back.
"do you think you guys will get back together? you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, i'm just worried about you..." she trails off and i nod, still keeping my eyes on the road ahead of me. a soft song plays through the speakers of my car and i find myself wanting to yell the lyrics about sadness and heartbreak. if i was alone, i would be singing my poor heart out right now. "i don't know if we will. it's okay, i just don't know any more than you do," i shrug and say nothing more, because i know i am lying. i feel the urgency in my hearts longing for colby. i can taste the fear that he won't return my call—even when he actually receives it. i can hear the universe telling me to slow down, to keep my dignity for longer than i did the first time, but with colby there is not an ounce of pride inside of me. i am lost for him, i always have been. i don't know how to go about my unspoken emotions, but i do not have another choice. i have to continue on, without nick and potentially alone because i just had to kiss him one more time.
when we arrive at the nightclub, the parking lot is littered with empty water bottles and there is not another soul in sight. i park next to julia's car, and watch as she climbs out and says her goodbyes after handing me her phone with colbys contact pulled up. i quickly copy it down in my own phone, and smile at the sweet girl until she is out of my sights. she drives off rather hastily, and i giggle at her reckless driving. i never did enjoy being in the car with her when she was the one behind the wheel. you'd think she wants the both of us dead by the way she speeds through empty streets like the vacancy is an invitation to break the law.
i dial colbys number with my fingers shaking. the anticipation is terrifying, how ready i am to press the call button. i take a second to stare down at my bright screen and back up to the park across the street. the secrets that are hidden behind those trees—the world may never know how they rip at my frayed edges. i am a sucker for the house hidden behind that forest, behind a clearing that my soul belongs in.
"hello?" his voice removes me from my trance and i realize that only three rings went by before his soothing words consume my mind.
"hi," i choke out, not sure what exactly i am calling for. do i want to see him? tell him that i told nick what happened between the two of us? maybe i want to tell him that i love him, and that his words are stuck in my mind like a distant echo. i can't keep thinking about the way he sounded saying that he loved me again after all this time. maybe i want to remind him that i'm still here, but i can't say anything other than hi for now.
"andromeda?" the way my full name sounds coming off of his tongue is never anything less than mind-boggling. "yeah, it's me." i wish i could say something else, explain why i have called him at least. but my voice is broken and my eyes are glued on the park across the street.
"why are you calling?"
"can i see you?" i ask hastily, unsure of myself. i know that i shouldn't let him walk back into my life now, but i can't help it. i will never be able to stop the way he makes me feel, will i? even when i know that this will only end in pain and misery, i will still chase that feeling for as long as it is in reach. behind my words is a silent scream for help, like i have been stranded at sea and need him to stay afloat. when he left my life, i never thought that i'd miss him more than in that moment. but now, when i am so close to his home but so far from him, i have proved myself wrong. i miss him more now than i ever have, and my heart is beating rapidly awaiting his response.
"of course... i can be there in a little bit," he speaks softly and i shake my head even though he can not see me. "i just took julia to get her car from the club... so, i'm not home," i feel myself growing distant by the second. i don't know how to talk to him anymore, but i desperately want to relearn. if i could, i would take classes in the art of colby.
"do you want to go for a drive? you can leave your car at my place," he says simply and i hum in agreement.
"i can be there really soon, i just have to find that one street," i tell him and he gives me a few directions before hanging up rather suddenly, probably to get ready for my sudden arrival. i follow his guidance until i am met with the same house that is responsible for my irreversible longing.