It was weird. Being with Nick. His hair was fluffier. Darker. Wilder. Brushing the tattoo on his neck. His lips were bruised after having been pressed to mine for much longer than they should've been. But it was really just his eyes that forced me to keep looking. Endearing and soft and understanding. I realized that I had been staring at him. I also realized that he knew.
"It's not what you think." I said, quickly, blushing. I don't think I expected to feel the heavy heat but I did. My eyes wandered along his whole body. He was leaner than before, less bulky. But this fit him better. He had less muscle but he seemed more comfortable in his skin.
"Yes, because we weren't naked in front of each other and going at it, some five minutes back," he said, laughing, "I've missed you, sweetheart." He had a free laugh. An open, happy laugh. Unafraid. Unaffected by anything else in the world. I was the center of his world and I felt it. I understood perfectly well what that meant.
"No, I just--you look different. You're not as--I don't know, you're different." It wasn't lost on me that I'd just fucked Nick Lovestone after I said I wouldn't. He just sort of had that way about him. You didn't realise it until you were there and you didn't even mind. But it was what I wanted. I knew this would happen and I had been prepared for it.
"You're different too," he said, looking at me with his dark blue eyes now. Those soft, joyful blue eyes. I couldn't look away.
"In what way?" It felt weird. Knowing that he had been noticing me the same way I'd been noticing him.
"Well, I've never seen you this way before. So willing to let me kiss you, and Lexi, we've dated. You're sadder than I've ever seen you before and as much as it worries me, I know you're going to be okay, because that's something you always manage to be. Even if everything else goes to shit." And that's all it took for me to start crying. Just shamelessly bawling my eyes out. At first I thought it was just a few tears but soon enough I realized they weren't going to stop. "Hey, hey, what's wrong?" He asked inching closer to me, cautiously. "Are you okay? Is it something I said? Was I that bad in bed?" I wasn't okay. But I couldn't blame him for it. It was not his fault that my parents were having another kid. Or that they wanted to start over. Or that I wasn't going to really have a choice in the matter. But he was here, so he had to clean up the mess.
I shook my head. I hated this. I couldn't just cry in front of him. It was not something I had been planning on. And I still wasn't going to stop. It was pathetic but it wasn't something I could do anything about.
"Lexi, say something," he urged, cupping my cheeks, forcing me to face him. I tried imagining things from his perspective, not that it really mattered. I tried picturing myself, all wet and slobbering. Even though he was different now, I couldn't help but picture the old him, laughing at me, rolling his eyes at me for being so dramatic all the fucking time.
"I don't--I don't want to--" I cried. Heavy tears spilling down my face in long, ugly streaks.
He looked at me carefully and then wrapped his arms around me. He rubbed my naked back and let me cry. It's not what I expected. To watch Nick Lovestone care was too much. People don't just change. It takes time and effort and so much more than just one break up.
"You're more different than I am." I said, through tears.
"Shit happens, people change." He straightened up a little. I suppose a heart to heart isn't what he signed up for, I couldn't blame him for being a little distant even when we were practically stuck to each other.
"Well...what happened?"
"You don't want to know."
"No, no, I do." I assured him.
"My little sister got sick." He didn't elaborate and I didn't ask. It didn't matter.
"Oh. I thought she just transferred to another school or something?"
"No, no, she got sick. My dad couldn't take it, he left one night, and you know Lex, when something like that happens it makes you look back on everything you've done up to that point. It forces you to reflect. And so I did. That changes a person I guess?"
"Nick, I'm sorry," I said, genuinely apologetic.
"Don't be, shit happens, we just gotta do what we can, right?"
"Is she better now?"
"She's--uhm--yeah, I suppose she is." He smiled, sadly.
"And you?"
"I'm fine. Hey, you feeling better now?" He seemed eager to change the subject. And I didn't mind. He wasn't faking concern. He was really here for me.
Maybe this is what love is? Caring about someone this much?
I didn't have to worry about what he'd think. This was Nick, we'd already seen the worst of each other. I mean, the fuck had broken up with me twenty five minutes after he took my virginity, we were way past ugly.
Eventually I pulled away from him.
"Nick," I sucked in a heavy, wet breath, "would you ever--would you ever consider getting back together?"
"Lexi, no, come on, we both know better." He laughed. It was a laugh trying to hide something. He was fucking terrified of the idea. He knew he'd mess it up again and then what would he say to himself to make everything better?
That's the problem with second chances, isn't it? Where do you go after you fuck those up?
"No, listen, I'm serious." I shook my head, hoping he'd change his mind. I placed my hand on his and looked at him earnestly.
"I don't just want to be a rebound, besides, Lex, I think we've broken each other's hearts enough already." No, no, that's not good enough. If he wanted out, he'd have to fight his way out, he knew that.
"I don't care. I just--I want to be with you. With this version of you." It was true. For my own purely selfish reasons I did have the desire to stay perfectly wrapped up with him. I could spend hours just looking at him.
"Lexi I don't make a very convincing voice of reason." He sighed. It meant he was going to stop trying.
"No, you don't. Nick...this could be perfect?"
"I'm not looking for a relationship with you Lexi, we agreed this was just closure." The act of pulling away from someone was so much more than just the physical pulling away part. And that's where Nick had always stumbled.
"But maybe it's not time for closure yet?"
He looked at me for a moment. He was thinking about it. Really considering.
"Why'd you break up with Danny?" He asked, sitting up straight, "and when?"
I didn't say anything.
"Lex, come on."
"It's none of your business."
"No, he's my friend and I want to know how badly things ended with you two so that I can consider this, okay?"
"No, you're just looking for reasons to not do this!"
"No, no, Lexi, I just--I want to know. Alright, just tell me how he took it. I know this is private, I don't mean to overstep."
"No, no, you know what, you're right. This is it. This is all we'll have. We aren't relationship material. Not together." I wiped my tears and got off the bed. I began putting on my clothes. It brought back memories. People don't change. Trauma isn't exactly enough, is it? It was odd, almost nostalgic, collecting my clothes and shoving myself into them hurriedly, soon after we'd fucked. The worst part is, it still wasn't enough. I wanted more with him.
"Lex?" He got up and stood in front of me in his boxers, just as I pulled on my top.
"You don't have to say anything." I shook my head. I felt stupid but I had expected that.
"No, Lexi, I don't know, okay. This is difficult."
"It's not. We want to be together, nothing else matters, okay? And if not, I'm leaving." Maybe I was trying to manipulate him.
"I don't want you to leave. Let's just--"
"What? Nick we're either doing this, or we aren't!"
"No, stop! Sit, please, let's talk about this." Desperation rang through loudly in his voice. I immediately knew I wasn't going anywhere.
I sat on the corner of the bed.
"Hey, look at me." He said, crouching down and looking at me.
"Why do you want to do this, Lexi?"
"I don't know, I just do. You do too."
"I know, but I figured we were better than this?"
"Maybe we aren't, maybe we don't have to be!" I said, clutching his hand, almost violently. It was more hopeful than violent but that wasn't a distinction that really mattered.
"Come here," he said, leaning his head in, closer to mine. I held the back of his neck and joined his lips to mine. I didn't care that this was wrong. I didn't care at all. About anything. I doubt I even cared about him? Which, as horrible as it was, just happened to be the most freeing thing in the world.
Not caring. Just being with someone who had snapped my heart in two and left me to put it back together. Not caring about him as much as he cared about me. And it felt so fucking good. It felt so good to be loved. To have so much power over someone. I understood him. It was sudden and jarring. But it all made sense. That kind of power. The ability to break someone's heart so simply and feel nothing.
This was the closest I'd ever get to closure with Nick Lovestone. Being in control of his little heart. And I didn't even want to fuck with him. I wanted to be with him. And be held by him. And just, surround myself with his scent and stare into his gorgeous blue eyes. I wanted the love. I wanted to be treated gently and kindly and I was willing to do whatever it took to get that.
He kissed me sweetly and I kissed him passionately, we met in the middle. Something that was sweet but hot and I let him guide me. I liked being in that moment. In that pathetic little sweet moment. I wanted to cry more. Being loved meant so much more than actually loving.
He pulled away and kissed my forehead gently.
"Okay, you know what, fuck everyone else, let's do this. You and me," he said with a spark in his eyes that I'd missed.
"You don't have to." I said, feeling my lips with my fingers. The difference between kissing someone for closure and kissing someone out of just the pure joy of being with them had distinctly different effects.
"I know." He nodded, understanding perfectly what he was doing. My heart swelled. Just the idea that maybe this wasn't all entirely fucked. He was here and he cared. It was so much.
His phone rang then. I had turned Uncle Jay's phone off after my parents wouldn't stop calling. I didn't need that today. I didn't want to be interrupted but clearly Nick didn't mind. I didn't blame him, I was running away from something and he wasn't, not that I knew of, at least.
He got up and picked up his phone.
"It's Danny, I should probably take it," he said.
"I don't know, I don't think you should." I bit my lip hard. Feeling my mouth dry up. He'd know soon enough.
"Uh--why?" he said.
"I broke up with Danny because I wanted to be with you." I blurted out.
"Okay," he said as he picked up the phone. Of course it was all going to fall apart. I had this crazy urge to snatch his phone away, do whatever it took to keep the moment alive but it didn't matter. The moment would end. As moments usually did.
His eyes widened as the conversation went on.
"Uh--yeah, look, I don't know where she is?--Tytan, stop yelling at me, I haven't seen her!--Shut the fuck up, would you?--She's not your responsibility and she isn't mine either!"
Finally he hung up, angrily.
"They're looking for you."
"What?"
"Lexi, what's going on?"
"What did Danny say?"
"He started by saying you've been acting strange and that he's worried about you, as in, he still thinks you're his girlfriend and then Tytan yelled at me and demanded your location. Lex, I'm going to ask again, what's going on with you?" He asked, taking my shoulders. He was scared. He knew this moment was over. I just had to formalize it now.
I finished pulling on my clothes, grabbed Uncle Jay's phone and walked out of there. What was I supposed to say to him? I didn't owe him an explanation. Not in the least.
He walked out behind me and took my wrist.
"Lexi. Self destruction is not the answer. Let's talk, okay?"
He came after me. He wanted this? Or at least he cared enough to come out after me in nothing but his boxers. Where was I even going to go? I looked at him and nodded.
I let him take me back to the room.
He sat me down at the edge of the bed and put on his his hoodie. I watched him. I just blankly watched him as he dressed himself. Soon enough he turned and stared back at me.
He nodded. Waiting for answers.
"Where do you want me to start?" I asked, as my heart grew heavier by the moment. I didn't want him to let me go. No. I wasn't going to lose him.
"Danny?"
"Broke up with him via DM. Not my best but I did learn from the best." I said, glaring at him.
"Oh, Lexi, why?"
"Because he's not you."
"Flattering but I'm not buying it." He snorted.
"Because I wanted this. I wanted to be with you for one day and I didn't want it be while cheating on someone."
"So you didn't want to feel guilty for it?"
"I guess. Look, cheating on someone is a shitty thing to do and it's not like it would've worked out with Danny anyway."
"Oh, Lexi, are you sure about this?" Be passed a hand through his hair.
"Of course I am! I know what I want Nick. You of all people should know that!"
"Okay. Okay, I get it. Why'd you run? I know it wasn't for me, I'm not that thick Lex, I know you, a boy just isn't enough to make you run away." Oh I hated him. He knew too much. There was something frustrating about people who knew too much. Much like Tytan, Nick felt like he knew exactly what I was thinking but he didn't. And he'd never really understand that. But I gave in anyway. He was persistent and it was inevitable.
"I had to get out of there! And you're--you're a good distraction. My parents were being irrational. I told them I'm not going to college. Said horrible things to them and ran." By then he'd sat down next to me and I'd taken his hand in mine.
"Why, baby?"
"Because they're the ones who wanted a fresh start--I--I don't know. Maybe I wasn't the kid they wanted and--and I don't know. It just felt like they deserved to hurt just as much as I did."
"Alright, listen, family can be a real shit show but yours isn't, talk to them, I'm sure they'll listen, Lexi, I've met your parents, they're reasonable people--"
"They're having another kid, it was an accident and now they're having a midlife crisis! I don't think I'd call them reasonable." He didn't get to tell me that he knew better than I did.
"Hey, I've never really imagined you as having a sibling... Maybe it won't be so bad."
"It's not the kid I'm worried about. It's them. They can't just take everything away from me!"
"Lex, talk to them."
"I don't want to!"
"Why not?"
"Because! Look, we're not talking about this, okay? This is about you and me and maybe Danny but not my parents!"
"I want you to be happy and maybe if it'll take talking to your parents to make you happy, I want that for you." Gosh, he's stubborn.
"I don't want to talk it through! I want to be with you and pretend like everything's okay. I don't want to be told that I haven't figured my shit out, I already know that!"
"Do you want me to come with? I will, if you want me to, I'll sit with you while you talk this through. I know it won't change much but--"
"You're not Tytan." I cut him off, "if I wanted someone around for that conversation I'm pretty sure it would be Tytan." I wanted it to sting so that he'd just back off. And it wasn't a lie.
"I know. I don't want to be Tytan. I'm sorry if I overstepped. I just want you to be happy." He cautiously stepped away.
Oh, fuck what am I doing?
"I'm sorry, you're just trying to help." I conceded. I couldn't lose him.
"Lexi, they're worried. Tytan's worried. Nobody knows where you are or if you're safe. Can I at least tell them you're safe?"
"No!" It came out so fast I barely processed it.
"Hey, come on, that's just the decent thing to do."
"You're the last person to give a shit about decent!" I sneered.
"I thought we were just discussing how we've changed." He smiled.
"So what, I guess you don't want to be with me anymore?" I had fucked this up. How do you even do that? Fuck up something so simple?
"And why not?" He asked, raising a brow.
"Because I'm just another fuck up like you."
"Yeah, well, I like you, fucked up or not." That smile really was breathtaking. The odd reassuring nature of his smiles melted me in ways I didn't think he still could.
"I'm going to speak to Tytan." I nodded. He wasn't always the best person to get advice from, but even he had his moments.
He handed me his phone. I called Tytan. I couldn't face Danny. Not even by accident.
"Did you find her?" Tytan's voice swelled.
"Are you alone?" I asked, feeling my heart ache just a little. The gasp I heard in his voice broke me a little.
"Lexi, fuck, where are you? Did Lovestone kidnap you or something?" The crack in his voice told me everything I needed to know.
"Are you alone?" I asked again.
"I'm with your boyfriend."
"I broke up with Danny."
"He doesn't think so."
"Yeah I sent him a DM."
"Real classy, Lex." He snorted.
"Listen, can you find a quiet corner?"
"Hold on," he paused, "okay, I'm alone now."
"I'm safe. I'm with Nick. And--and I just need some time off. Don't come looking for me."
"Your parents are--Lexi I've never seen them like this before." He paused, "I can't take you out on that date if you're nowhere to be found."
"Just tell them I'll come back when I can."
"And Lovestone? What were you thinking, Lexi?"
"That I'm not over him." He deserved the truth. After everything, I still had him and he deserved to know.
"I guess some mistakes are inevitable. Twice."
"And that's my problem." I affirmed. He had to realize that he couldn't do anything to change this.
"And what about me? I worry about you, you know? Despite everything, if something happened to you, fuck it would probably become my supervillain backstory."
"Yeah--yeah, I know." I giggled.
"Hey, seriously though, come home soon. I don't like not knowing if you're safe--I know I'm in no position to say that to you but I do love you."
"Oh, just fuck off Blackriver."
"Yep, you're okay." He sighed, relieved.
"Told ya."
"Well then, stay that way, baby girl."
"You too Badboy," I said and hung up on him.
I turned to Nick and felt everything a little more. He tilted his head just a little, gingerly asking if everything was okay, in his own way. Some things don't change, do they?
I nodded.
"Can we get back to us?" I asked, "you don't have to, obviously."
"I'll never be him." He said, coming closer to me. He settled his hands on my hips, making me feel a little conscious because yeah, Nick could make me feel all sorts of things.
"I know." I nodded.
"And I can't erase the past."
"I know." I nodded again.
"And we're both different now."
"I know."
He nodded this time and connected his lips to mine. I knew nobody would react well to me being back together with Nick Lovestone. Fran and Mae would not shut up about how bad he was for me. Tytan would get mad and punch a wall, because that's how he dealt with stuff. Punching walls and later apologizing profusely for the damage done to the wall, of course by then the wall didn't care all that much. Danny would hate me. My parents would shake their heads, say I was just acting out and they'd be right about it. Nick's one friend, if he still existed, would probably judge me too.
But with his lips on mine, I knew it all didn't matter. He cared about me so deeply, so intensely, that nothing else mattered. He was filling in a void that had stayed empty for too long now. And I liked it. I liked being loved. It made me care about him.
He pulled away suddenly and brushed my cheeks. "Hey, you okay? You're crying again."
"Uh--yeah. I'm just glad you're here."
"Yeah, me too." He connected our lips again, letting me know that he was there. And he wasn't going anywhere. The comfort of being loved. And then he did something that I hated him for. He pulled away and looked at me with his painfully full affection. I didn't deserve it but I hardly had the energy to care. And then his lips parted. Something I wasn't quite prepared to hear tumbled right out of those sweet, lovesick lips, "but you're going to have to go back home, sooner or later."
***
A/N
Hi.
Sometimes I forget that I'm basically just talking to myself in these notes. Like, yes, there's a possibility that someone will read it but in that moment. It's just me. Me, sitting in a, quite possibly, haunted house, listening to a podcast about art, mentally noting down all the different things I did before working on this. And this doesn't fit into my day anymore. I don't know if that makes any sense or not but it doesn't matter. The point is, I'm probably going to stop working on this stuff after the current in progress stories are complete. I guess it's not very reassuring to read that in the middle of a story but let me assure you that everything that's currently incomplete will be completed. Hopefully within this year and I guess after that I won't be writing new stuff on here. Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest.
I hope you liked this chapter. It's something I never expected to write for these characters but here we are. Vote and/or comment if you wanna. Yep. That's all. The next chapter should be coming pretty soon. K, bye see you.