Usako, hm?
I’m back in bed again because I’m pathetic enough to have taken comfort in my own self-pity and think about the girl I can’t have. Usako; the nickname suits her. Too bad she’ll never hear it leave my lips. Still, I try it on mine when she’s not around. “Usako. Usako…” I chant, my heart writhing in my chest every time. But I’m too damned obsessed with her to stop.
I punch the bed underneath me and grunt in frustration. Damn it, I’m about to explode. “I can’t take this anymore!” I yell at the ceiling, my back arching off the bed and coming back down so hard my entire body bounces off the mattress.
I sit up, swing my legs over the side, and bury my head in my hands. My hair is slick against my hands with grease. I try to remember how many days its been since I last showered, but I can’t recall if it was three days ago or four. This has to stop. This is just pathetic, even for me.
I take long, slow, deep breaths and try to calm down. I feel like an eight-hundred pound gorilla has been sitting on my chest, stopping my lungs from getting the oxygen it needs and my heart from beating as it should.
“This has to stop,” I repeat to myself, out loud this time. If I have to tell Motoki and Usagi that their relationship is killing me in order to move on, then so be it. It’s my turn to be selfish.
I make my way to the shower and stand underneath the hot water, closing my eyes and continuing to will more oxygen into my lungs. With each controlled breath I feel myself begin to finally feel better. I watch the water pool at my feet before getting sucked down the drain and imagine each drop cleansing away the jealousy, pain, and self-loathing I feel inside. Yes, my body is telling me that confessing to Usagi and Motoki how I feel about their relationship is the right thing to do. Soon, and for the first time since I left Motoki and Usagi on that cold evening a week ago, I’m breathing like I don’t even have to think about it any more.
---
‘So, how do I go about this…’ I think to myself as I put on a fresh set of clothes. Ah, so this is what it feels like to be clean. It’s nice! I contemplate various confession scenarios in my head as I clean up the hot chocolate mugs, cracked ornaments, and fallen pine needles. I walk past the CD player and realize that the disc has been on pause since that fateful night.
I don’t know why I do it, but I hit play. It resumes halfway through “Sleigh Ride,” the song I’d punched the CD player to stop playing by the time Usagi finally left.
Our cheeks are nice and rosy,
And comfy cozy are we,
We're snuggled up together
Like two birds of a feather would be,
My chest constricts again as I gaze longingly at the green lights of the CD player ticking away how much of the song is left: two minutes and thirty-three seconds.
Let's take that road before us,
And sing a chorus or two,
Come on, it's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together with you.
Two minutes and four seconds now. I take another deep, cleansing breath and turn away from the stereo but leave the song playing. Instead of focusing on the lyrics and daydreaming about a sleigh ride with Usak-- Usagi, I try to bob to the uplifting beat and channel the same happy energy that the song has. By the time those last two minutes are through I’m dancing around my apartment and somehow feel like a million bucks.
Wow... I’ve finally snapped. The only sleigh ride I’ll be taking will be a one-way trip to the funny farm.
---
So here’s the plan: I have no plan.
Nonetheless, I still think it’s a brilliant idea to finally step out into the crisp winter air once again and stride down the road. Part of me is screaming to get the hell back into the house while the other part is urging me to do this while I’m feeling stupid enough to actually follow through on it.
It's a short walk to Crown Arcade from my place and doesn't give me much time to plan my attack or psyche myself out, which is probably good on both sides. With a little too much planning I'd probably say more hateful things than I'd otherwise intend, and if I don't do this today-- right now-- I doubt I ever will.
The doors of the arcade slide open with a hiss and I'm bombarded with the loud sounds of the various game machines. Someone's playing a Dance Dance Revolution to my right. Their legs are flying as their feet match the arrows whizzing by to the quick beat of the song, and I realize my heart is matching the BOOMBOOMBOOM of the bass and the flashing lights.
I shake my head and turn my attention back to the mission. First, I look over at the Sailor V machine. No Usak-- Usagi. Next, I look over at the counter and see Motoki's coworker, Masa, serving a couple of giggling high school girls some soft drinks. He's laughing with them, and as I approach, he greets me with the same smile he was giving them, which sort of weirds me out.
"Hey there, Mamoru," he greets warmly as the girls cackle and scatter. I nod to him and look around. "Looking for Motoki? He's off on Tuesday mornings. He won't be in 'til 3."
"...Ah." Well, damn... that's four and a half hours from now. I didn't even consider he'd be off, but that makes sense that the man doesn't work whenever I happen to find it convenient. I'm usually in school in the mornings and he works most afternoons... but just because I'm on winter break doesn't mean Crown extends the same courtesy to my main man.
Well... former main man.
Masa shuffles awkwardly. Is he blushing? "I mean, you're more than welcome to hang out and wait," he says, motioning to the empty stool in front of him.
My eyes look down at the seat in question. He does realize that's a long time to wait, right? I simply smile and shake my head. "I appreciate that, Masa, but I'll just come back later." Maybe. Probably not.
"Oh. Okay, Mamoru... I'll tell Motoki you came by when I see him."
As I turn to walk out of the arcade I raise my hand half as a goodbye and half to wave off the offer. "That's ok, I'll catch up with him when I see him. See you around!"
"See you..." he says, and even though I'm so not into guys I can't help but smile to myself as the doors open back up and I walk back out into the snow. Good to know that I'll have Masa to fall back on if all else fails... heh.
So... now what? I stuff my hands in my pockets and decide that a hot breakfast is my next move. I could go to Motoki's apartment and see if he's there, but part of me wants to be in a public place to have this discussion to keep me in check. I don't want to punch the guy... not that I think I would, but who knows with me these days. Plus, I want to have this talk with both of them at once, and if Usagi was there with him when I showed up...
I outwardly shudder, and it's not because the icy wind suddenly picked up. I would most definitely throw punches if that little scenario was reality.
As I walk I take a look at the shops and restaurants and consider my breakfast options in a desperate attempt to keep myself sane. Bagels, nah... pastries, nah... eggs? Eggs might be good.
I walk into a little mom and pop restaurant and ask for a table for one. Some people find it awkward to go into a place like this and eat on your own, but I never really understood why... there were at least half a dozen tables of diners with the same idea. In some ways, I'm glad that the notion of eating by myself still doesn't phase me.
As I nod to some of my dining-single comrades, I see two very familiar little blond buns poking up over a booth. The hostess showing me to my table continues on, but I stop in front of my small, beautiful dining-single comrade.
"Usak...gi?"
Her eyes snap from her tea to my face with a flash of excitement, then... panic? After a long pause that makes me immediately break out in a sweat, she asks with surprise, "Mamoru?"
I chuckle nervously and find that I'm scratching the back of my own head. "Er, hi. Sorry to have bothered you! I was just sitting down for breakfast and saw you as I walked by and..."
She must have picked up on the panicked, fast-paced wordspew I was doing because her expression softened and she cut me off halfway through. "I haven't ordered yet. Want to sit with me?"
I could see the remaining unease in those crystal blue eyes and forced a smile as I shook my head. "It's okay, I see you were thinking about stuff. I'll just go to my table." I nod in the direction of the hostess, who is patiently waiting for me to complete my journey to a small booth by the window she placed a menu on top of. Before I leave, I feel compelled to ask: "Is... everything okay?"
Another flash of unease crosses Usagi's features and I want to kick myself in the face for doing this to her. She obviously doesn't want anything to do with me right now, so why do I keep pushing?
"Everything's fine!" she says with a smile that could be nothing but entirely genuine. You don't fake a smile that gorgeous and bright. "...I'm sorry I seemed surprised. I've just been waiting for Motoki for twenty minutes now. I hope everything's okay. Please, sit."
I sit, even though I know I shouldn't, and chuckle. "Haven't you learned by now, Meatball Head? Motoki's almost always late... except for when it comes to work. I don't know what it is about that place, but I don't think he's ever been even a minute late. But everywhere else? Twenty minutes is nothing."
The hostess brings the menu from my original table to this one and I nod my thanks. Usagi brings her mug to her lips, blows on the steam a little, then takes a sip before showing me that heart-melting smile again. "Eh, I guess that's true... but I said I've been waiting twenty minutes. We were supposed to meet here forty-five minutes ago."
For the first time in days I laugh a big, hearty, joyful laugh and Usako joins me in it. "Silly me, I should have known," I say before the waitress comes over and I order a coffee.
"Yick, coffee!" she says and makes a disgusted face with her tongue out.
I shrug. If I knew there was a potential that my lips would ever be on hers-- my tongue on that tongue-- I would never touch the stuff again... but, alas. "Yeah, but it gets the job done."
The waitress brings my coffee and Usako and I sit in a comfortable silence for a moment while I put in a little milk and sugar. "So aside from breakfast, what else were you two planning on being late to today?"
"We're supposed to go to the movies."
"It'll be half over by the time you get there."
"Wouldn't be the first time."
I snort.
"What?! Half the movies I see are way better that way; making up your own intro."
"If you say so, Meatball Head."
"Back to the meatball thing again, huh?"
I smirk over my mug at her. "Yup." I'm delighted that, based on her reaction and the cute sip of her tea with the flush on her cheeks, she doesn't seem to mind.
We make more enjoyable and casual conversation and decide to order food after waiting for another fifteen minutes for the elusive Motoki. Sadly, just as the waitress is walking away from our table, he decides to rear his ugly head.
"Heeeeeeey," he says with uncertainty as he sees Usako and me sitting together. The blonde almost looks guilty as she looks back up at him and scoots further into her booth seat to make room for him. I suddenly feel very uncomfortable again.
"Er, hey man," I respond. "I went by Crown to find you earlier but Masa said you don't work 'til three, came here for some food and found Usagi sitting here. Hope you don't mind I kept her company until your..." I look down at my watch, "hour-late ass decided to show up."
"...Thirty-five minutes late, technically," Usagi corrects in an amused tone. "I was twenty minutes late too, remember?"
“Right, right.” I give her a half smirk and roll my eyes before taking another sip of coffee.
"Nah, no problem," Motoki says as he picks up Usagi's menu and takes a quick perusal. Something tells me he's lying. "We still good?" he asks, and I open my mouth to respond but quickly close it when I realize he's talking to Usako.
"Hm? Yeah! Sorry," she responds, giving him an apologetic look. There's some sort of non-verbal understanding between them as they look at each other and I wonder what she's apologizing to him for. That I crashed their date? Well, wait 'til I drop the bomb I've been building up this past week. I feel like a grenade with the pin removed, waiting until the final tick before I explode.
Our waitress comes back and takes Motoki’s food and drink order. He seems a little miffed that Usako didn’t wait for him before ordering something, but I take the blame. He shrugs and seems to instantly forgive the both of us. Usako flashes me a ‘don’t worry about it’ smile, and all I can do is look down at my half-empty coffee mug to avoid Motoki seeing me roll my eyes again.
There’s a much longer, way more awkward silence between the three of us than there was between Usako and I earlier. I steal a glance up at Motoki, who seems to be searching for something to say. The waitress comes over and tops off my coffee as she brings Motoki his. He’s an idiot to drink that if he wants to kiss Usako later. Kiss her… I sigh outwardly and they both look up at me.
“Are you okay?” asks Motoki. I’m a little taken aback by his genuine look of concern. NOW he wants to start caring about whether or not I’m okay?!
“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry… release of pressure, I guess.”
I’m thankful when our waitress comes back with our food… scarfing down breakfast is the perfect excuse for awkward silences, and we all take advantage of it. As I eat my scrambled eggs and hash browns I consider when and how I should tell them my secret. It has to be during this gathering, but not too early when we all have too much food still on our plates. I know how much food means to Usako and I don’t want to ruin her meal. I also don’t want the conversation to be longer than necessary or feel stuck and want to avoid getting Motoki’s waffle bits on my face if he starts yelling at me mid-chew. I decide I’ll wait until everyone’s finished eating or the waitress collects our plates. That way, anyone can get up and leave if they have to. This is more an escape plan for me than them, I think.
Once again, my procrastination becomes my undoing.
I look in horror as Motoki sets his fork down, reaches into his pocket, and sets a couple of bills down on the table. “Well I gotta run,” he says quickly, wrapping his arm around Usako to bring her closer and kiss the top of her head. I’m too busy cursing myself for always waiting to react to this. “We’re all set for the thing later then, right? Everything’s in place?”
“Yes!” Meatball Head insists, and I open my mouth to speak, but Motoki bolts out of there like Usako running late for school.
I blink at her as the tab is placed on our table and I reach into my pocket to add money to the pile Motoki left. “What was that about?”
Usako squirms and shakes her head. “It’s nothing. By ‘later,’ he meant the tree lighting ceremony tonight.” She smiled. “I… was asked to be part of it and Motoki’s been helping me. You’re coming, right? Oh Mamoru, you promised you’d come! Please?”
I didn’t even have a chance to answer and she’s already begging me. How could I deny her? I give her a half-smile and lean back in my seat. "Yeah. Yeah... I'll be there."