"please don't judge my dorm," I plead as I jiggle my key in the lock, "I haven't had the bravery to clean it."
syd smiles, "I wouldn't dream of it."
I smile at him as I open the door, then politely hold it open for him. he steps in tentatively, looking around my messy shared living space.
"is your roommate home?" he asks as I shut the door as quietly as I can. it's late and there are classes tomorrow and I'd rather not be held responsible for disturbing a fellow student's sleep.
"no, I met her on the first day and she occasionally comes here to study but she sleeps somewhere else," I explain, "natalie is a mystery to me."
he smiles and awkwardly surveys my dorm a second time, "so where do you want to study?"
"the floor seems like the best bet considering all the other surfaces are covered," I conclude, feeling slightly embarrassed over my unseemly living conditions. my tables are a blanketed in a tapestry of dirty dishes, magazines, old and newspapers, basically anything and everything.
"the floor it is," syd jokes, he looks so awkward and I get the feeling he's not well acquainted with visiting girl's dorms.
"let me get my homework."
at twelve both of our backs and necks are unbelievably stiff, but I don't mind considering the mess that was my understanding of physics has been properly cleaned by syd. each movement brings an orchestra of cracking joints that make me cringe inwardly.
the sound of keys jiggling in the lock startles the two of us and I turn my head abruptly to see natalie enter.
she seems mildly surprised to see me on the floor but a light fills her eyes when she sees syd and her face cracks into a huge smile.
"syd crane?" she stares at him incredulously before tackling him with a hug. I can only stare at the pair in surprise. I've never seen natalie act like anything less than cold and unwelcoming but she clings to an uncomfortable syd like a child clings to a teddy bear, saying it's bizarre is an understatement.
she pulls away and smiles at him, her light blue eyes alight with joy, "wait until I tell everyone from greenoaks. your family was the talk of the town for awhile."
syd smiles at the ecstatic girl, but his skin has a translucent quality to it and upon further inspection I realize he is shaking.
"I don't doubt it," he says slowly as if he is forcing each word, "kirk and tracey left a mark didn't they?"
natalie nods, suddenly serious, "I guess they did."
the two seem to be trapped in a spell as they stand in a serene silence for a second before natalie snaps out of it, "so how have you guys met?"
"we have a class together," I reply while looking past natalie at syd, who is in some sort of trance, staring at his shoes but looking at nothing.
"oh, well I need to go to bed. see you later syd," as an afterthought she adds, "you too carolyn."
I watch her go into her room, her previous warmth faded.
"anyway thanks for the help syd," I trail off when I realize syd is immobilized, looking at the floor with his hands jammed in his pockets, "syd?"
he looks at me, his brown eyes seem empty and he mutters something that sounds vaguely like goodnight before leaving, the door slams behind him and I cringe at the noise.
I spend the rest of my night wondering what the hell I just witnessed.
I don't see syd for a week. I briefly attempt to find him to thank him for his help but I know nothing about where I could find him and my attempt is limited to asking adam if he knows a syd. he didn't.
thursday morning is introduction to advanced shakesperean english with professor columbus and the only class I have with syd.
I blink the sleep out of my eyes as I lumber out of my room.
"good morning," I'm greeted dryly by natalie who sits on our couch scrolling through her phone.
"good morning," I respond making my greeting as enthusiastic as possible, "how was your sleep?"
"fine," she says, she's more fascinated with whatever is on her phone and barely seems to notice me.
"I'm spending the night at adam's," I say in an attempt to fill up the silence.
natalie doesn't register the new information but her fingers stop scrolling through her phone and she smiles.
"yes, I found it!" she cheers victoriously and looks at me, "carolyn get over here."
I leave my half-made cereal without a second thought, whatever has natalie in such good spirits is piqueing my interest.
"this is syd, his brother and his brother's girlfriend," she angles her phone towards me giving me a good view of a fairly regular photo.
It's syd standing with a cigarette in his right hand and a goofy smile, next to him stands a taller, skinnier version of him, clearly the brother. On his brother's other side stands a skinny blonde, who is latched onto him gazing at him adoringly. it's a pretty standard photo that a group of friends would take in a bar.
"what are their names?" I ask.
natalie smiles, "kirk and tracey," she says, "tracey was a lingerie model which was a big deal in our tiny town and since they were regularly banging, kirk became a big deal."
"I've never seen syd look so.. happy," whenever I see syd he always looks mildly uncomfortable. even almost a week ago when he came over there was an air of general stiffness about him.
natalie smiles in a sad way, "kirk's death had an effect on everyone. especially syd."
"wait, what?" I blurt out, I quickly collect myself, "I mean, I didn't know.."
"kirk and tracey were avid partyers. they spent all their time in the nearest city getting shitfaced. syd started participating in the ritual and it was a great topic for gossip but no one ever thought it would take the turn it did," her voice is heavier now.
"what happened?" I ask temporarily forgetting what a touchy topic this would be.
"they got in a car accident," she says sadly, looking at the photo herself, "everyone in town came to the funeral. tracey and syd were heartbroken. it's no secret that syd blames himself."
"why does he blame himself?" I say, fascinated.
"he was driving."