A/N: now you'll understand why the men tortured El with Harry's music...... Play this song on repeat while you read(,:
TWELVE DAYS AFTER EL DISAPPEARED.
HARRY'S POV:
The vibration along the mattress wakes me from my sleep. I just fucking closed my eyes too. I fumble for it, my fingers touching the cold screen, and sliding it open without a thought to who it is. I've hardly slept. I've hardly moved from this spot on the fucking bed. I've hardly been able to convince myself to even shower. I kept replaying all the times I fought with her over dumb shit. All the times I pushed her or she pushed me. All things that were stubborn and petty and could have been avoided. I regret every second of that...
"Hello?" I ask, covering my eyes.
"Mr. Styles, we need you to come to the police station. We have El Montgomery here, and you were on the list to call." The voice speaking is soft but before I can even comprehend her words fully I'm already out of the bed, stumbling over the sheets, fumbling for shoes, and a sweatshirt.
"She's...she's there?" I ask quickly, fumbling for my things.
"Yes she's here. She's right in front of me. She was brought in around an hour ago by task force. We'll answer your questions when you get here." She tells me, and I hang up the call. I grab my keys quickly, realizing the time. It's two in the morning. She must be horrified right now. I need to see her though, I need to see her, to touch her, and hold her right now, and I know she must be feeling something similar.
I don't even know what to think. It almost feels like this is a cruel dream, like I'm going to wake up gasping for air, and reaching out for her but she won't be there. She's going to be gone, and away from my reach, back to being tortured all for money, and power. I speed, not caring if I'm going too fast, not caring what rules I'm breaking because I need to be near her. I need to see her more than I need to breathe in these moments.
"Where is she? Where the hell is she? El Montgomery? I got a call, she's here somewhere?" I ask helplessly as I push through the doors, hardly remembering how I got here or how long it took me to do so.
"She's through there. Her mother just got here." A woman tells me, and I turn towards her hand, following the direction she pointed. As I walk I see Suzie standing outside the glass doors, Officer Parks talking to her, and they both turn to me.
"Harry I wouldn't go in just yet.." Suzie speaks to me, and furrow my brows, not seeing El.
"I'm going in there, you can't stop me... Why the hell wouldn't I go in there?" I mumble.
"She's just not herself right now... It might be hard for you to see. She's different, she hasn't been cleaned up, she won't speak to either of us... This is hard for her.." She tells me, and I push past her anyways.
"I have to see her." I mumble to myself mostly, opening the door, and seeing her right away. She's wrapped in a blanket, her hair short compared to the last time I saw her. She's small, frial, but still looks like a dream to me. My El, my beautiful girl. She doesn't move to the sound of the door, she doesn't even look over to me.
I move forward, walking around the chair she's sat in, and I crouch in front of her, wondering if I'm going to wake up. Please don't let this be a dream... please dear god let this be real. "El... Darling..." I mumble to her, keeping my hands on my knees, and she flinches away from me. She moves away as if the sound of my voice hurts her. My heart shatters, my mouth drops in a gasp.
"Turn it off." She mumbles, covering her hands over her ears.
"El, it's me... It's me, I'm right here, it's Harry... You're safe now darling." I mumble to her, scooting myself closer, feeling my eyes prick with tears. She's not in there right now.
"Turn it off, no more please." She cries, and I don't understand it, I don't understand why she's reacting this way. What did they do to her in there? Wherever she was what did they do to her? My voice is hurting her.
"Baby... Baby look at me, look darling it's me. No one is going to hurt you, there's nothing to turn off, listen to the sound of my voice... I'm right here, it's Harry." I speak to her frantically, my hand touching her knee, trying to grasp onto anything in this moment.
"No! Please! No more, please turn it off!" She raises her voice shaking, and she pushes the chair back frantically, but I steady the chair, putting my hands on her face.
"Darling, darling calm down, please calm down. It's Harry, please look at me, open your eyes and look at me. You're okay!" I try to not raise my voice.
"H-Harry?" Her voice is soft, and the grasp over her ears releases. Her eyes unscrew and she looks at me.
"It's me... It's me, I'm right here baby, I'm here." I see her soft features littered with harsh marks right now. She's got a busted lip, and a soft bruise on her cheekbone, but she still looks helplessly beautiful. I lose my sight of her when she's out of the chair, and her arms are wrapped around my neck. I hold onto her tight, one of my arms folding around her shoulders, my hand lacing through her short hair. I fold the other arm around her back, pulling her to me, letting my tears fall fully now.
She's crying, her body shaking, but I want nothing more than for her to feel calm, to feel at ease now that she's going to come home. "Shhh... Shh... It's alright.. I'm here, everything is going to be okay." I litter the words around us, trying to blanket the two of us under them, and hoping they sink in. She's in pain but it's going to be okay.
"I-I needed you and I kept hearing your voice, but- but it was-wasn't really you." She chokes her words out, and I run my fingers through her hair, feeling her hard sobs as she clings to my chest.
"I'm here now... I'm right here, my voice is here, we're a family again... It's okay.." I mumble to her. I don't know what she meant. I have no idea what she means by her words but right now I'm not going to ask. "I love you so much... I'm sorry it took me so long to find you darling, but I'm here now." I tell her, trying to calm her.
"Say it again." She mumbles to me.
"I love you so much El. I love you." I repeat them, and she clings tighter. The door opens as my hand rubs her back softly, my fingers moving in slow circles as her breathing starts to slow. "I love you.." I whisper the words into her hair, knowing how uncomfortable this entire situation must be for her. I look over her shoulder, and see her mom and the officer walking in, looking to me as I stay on the ground, holding her to me. They move forward, and I shake my head, stopping them.
"I don't want to answer any questions... I want to go home." She speaks quietly, so only I can hear her.
"You don't have to answer anything tonight... We'll go home, and we'll get you cleaned up, and in bed alright darling?" I speak loud enough for the two of them to hear me. The dumbass cop comes in anyways, crouching down next to me, and places his hand on her shoulder. She flinches away from him, moving away from me too.
"Don't touch me." She mumbles quickly, and he holds his hands up in surrender.
"I'm sorry... Hey I'm sorry... I won't do it again.. Your mum is here, and you see Harry... You're safe now alright? We need you to come with us though, and-" He starts, ignoring everything I just tried to avoid, and she cuts him off.
"I'm not leaving him..." She tells him, and I know she's talking about me. "I want to go home." She mumbles, her eyes tearing up again.
"Eileen honey you gotta answer more questions, let him know-" Her mum comes forward, trying to reason with her.
"No! I don't... I can't. I want to go home!" She raises her voice, and I see her start to cry again. I move forward to her, bringing her head to my chest again.
"Hey... it's alright darling, we're going to go home alright? Everything is going to be alright, you're going to be okay." I tell her, but her body tenses at the sound of my voice. I hate this stupid fucking cop right now.
"Come on, let's get you off the floor. None of us are going to hurt you El, you're safe now." I remind her, and wait for a second, holding her, and helping her up slowly, sitting her in one of the chairs, and pulling the blanket over her shoulders. I stand up fully again, and turn back around.
"We need to figure out everything that way we can try to get the information on what happened in there, and names of the men that hurt her." Officer Parks speaks to me.
"I'll bring her back in to answer everything when she's ready. Keeping her here right now is only going to make her mental state worse. She's been in a foreign place for almost two weeks now, she wants to be home, let me bring her home." I plead, looking over my shoulder to her, seeing her keep the blanket around her tightly. Her eyes are pinned shut, she looks pained being here, and it hurts me seeing her that way.
"Go on then, take her." Parks gives up, and Suzie moves past me.
"Ellie Bug it's your momma... Harry is going to take you home, but I need you to know I love you so much bug, and I never gave up on you. I'm gonna come see you tomorrow alright?" She asks her, and all El does is nod once, looking at me.Suzie moves away, and squeezes my arm as she walks past. "Please keep me updated." She mumbles, and walks to the officer who is sitting against his desk. I go to her again, crouching in front of her.
"Hey baby, I'm going to take you home now... Can you walk? Are you okay to move?" I ask, and she stands up slowly, making the choice for herself. She's distant now, keeping a bit of space between us as she walks, but still staying close, keeping her eyes on the ground, and her hands against her belly. I missed seeing that belly, I missed looking at her, even if she doesn't look like herself fully.
I open the car door for her, watching her climb in, knowing she feels weak right now, but watching her still move with so much strength. I close the door, and walk to the other side of the car, knowing that she is pained and hurt, but feeling more hopeful now that I have her back, that I have them back, and I can love all three of them endlessly. I climb in, starting the car, and looking to her from the side as I back out, driving away. "Do you need anything before we go home?" I ask.
"No. Please just take me home." She mumbles, looking towards the window. She's never been so quiet around me, not even when things were hard, and I know this is different, it's just odd seeing her this way. I don't reply to her, just driving, and moving from the police station. Everything feels blue, everything feels strange, but it feels whole despite all of it.
She's here, she's actually here... I drive through the familiar streets until we pull up to the house, and I look to her. "You don't have to look at me like that.." She mumbles, and gets out of the car. I don't understand her, it's like a new person is in my midst right now, and I can't even fault her for that. I follow her into the house, and she's stopped in the front, looking at everything. I watch her as she looks over the room, her eyes falling on every item it feels like.
"Darling..." I mumble, not knowing what she's doing, and she turns to me, hugging me once more. I accept the warmth, taking her head and bringing it to my chest as tight as I can. I'm trying to keep my composure despite the tears burning in my eyes. I missed her so damn much. I missed this feeling though. "Let's get you cleaned up... Come on, I'll run the water for you." I mumble against her hair. She feels fragile, and that's something I'm not used to. Every Time she's cried, or gotten angry or upset she has been strong, resilient still, but right now it's nothing of the sort.
I lead her broken state up the stairs, and she comes to the bathroom with me. I sit her on the counter, letting my hands cup her cheek, looking at her softly. Her eyes are sunken in, hollowed, and sad. My thumb swipes over her cheek, taking some of the tears, but knowing I'm not taking any of the pain and hating that fact.
"I'm okay." She tells me, looking at me straight in the face as she says the words, but I bring my other hand forward, holding her face that way as I shake my head.
"You're not... and that's okay... It's okay to not be okay, it's okay to admit that darling... This is okay, everything you're feeling is... It's human darling. It's okay.." I tell her, and she just looks at me, trying to keep her breathing steady. I want to know everything, I want to take apart every single day she spent with those men but I will wait until she can open herself, till she feels right telling me herself.
I move from her, and turn the shower on for her, turning the water exactly how she likes it, and I move to her once more. "I'll go into the bedroom, I'll wait for you, and you can sleep or you can talk to me... or anything, just... I want you to be comfortable El.. This is your home." I tell her, and she gives a soft nod, even her movements not looking like they belong to her. I move away, but she grabs my hand.
"Don't go please.." She seems shameful as she asks me this, her voice pleading but her eyes diverting to the ground. I hold her hand tight, and bring my fingers to her chin, lifting her face to my eyes.
"I'm not going anywhere.. I just figured you'd want some privacy, some time alone..." I tell her, and she shakes her head. "I'm right here... We can shower together darling, whatever you need." I tell her. She moves from the counter, turning towards the mirror, taking the hem of the tattered tank top, pulling it over her head.
She's grown since I last saw her, not much but I can see the difference. Her stomach is unharmed but the rest of her is scratched, dirty, bruised. I place my hands on her shoulders as we both look in the mirror, and I lean down pressing my lips to her cheek from behind her. "I love you..." I mumble, and it still seems as though my voice, my words make her nervous. I move from her, peeling my own clothes from my body, and getting in the shower.
She comes in moments after me, looking away from me. I stand under the steady stream and she comes to me, once again joining us in embrace, her hands clinging to my back, her face buried in my chest. My fingers lace in her hair once more, still getting used to the feeling of the shorter hair, the strands tangled, and messy. I find myself letting the feelings in my chest go, overwhelmed with holding her again.
Overwhelmed is an understatement though. I wanted every bit of this, to hold her, to feel her, but I was getting a sense of not ever being able to do that again. I was starting to think the last time I saw her was the morning she disappeared.
"Please don't cry.." I hear her mumble, and I squeeze my eyes shut. She's the kind of person who will push her own emotions aside to deal with mine. She doesn't make it obvious when she does it but I see it in her.
"I just missed you is all , darling... Missed you so damn much." I mumble, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. I move her, bringing her under the water fully, reaching for cloth, and wetting that too. I run the cloth over her skin, trying to be as careful as I can, trying to wash every bit of this that I can, knowing there's dirt, and grime, and pain on the inside that coats her deeper than this cloth could go.
She lets me clean her, she lets my hands move over her soft skin, and swollen belly, trying my hardest to right the wrongs that were done to this skin, but I could never do that. If it wasn't for me, for this house, for my fame, for my money then she wouldn't have gone through any part of this. This is me, every bit of her worth, and her thought was shattered because of me.
"You're crying again..." She mumbles, and I look down to her, locking eyes with her. She takes the cloth from my fingers, and starts moving it over my skin, her eyes trained on mine, some of the color returning to her ever bright features. She close to me as she drags the cloth, doing the same for me as I did for her. "Please don't cry for me..." She mumbles, almost as if she's fearing the sound of her own voice.
"I just wish this never happened to you... This shouldn't have happened." I mumble.
"It's not your fault..." She tells me, and I wish I could hold my emotion. I wish I could be here for her, and stand strong in this, but it's all so much. I hardly cry, I hardly show this type of emotion but right now I can't even think of another way to react because there isn't one. "I never blamed you..." She tells me, and though it's comforting to hear her say it, I haven't changed the way I feel towards myself, the blame I put upon my own shoulders.
"They wanted my money, they wanted what I had, and they used you and our children to get it." I mumble, my words crashing together.
"They were hurt, and hateful.. There are a lot of people in this world that want what you have, the men that took me are disgusting people, and it's their fault. What happened to me is their fault, not yours." She speaks with strength for the first time since coming home, and I close my eyes tight. "I love you... I loved you then, and I love you now..." She mumbles, and I look to her again, watching her soft light eyes look up to me. I find the love in her stare, and I keep the hope inside of me, fearing what is to come, but not caring about that fear right now.
I move to her, holding her face between my hands as softly as I can and bringing my face to hers. I let my lips touch hers, the feeling like a warm blanket covering both of us. I explore her, my lips moulding over hers as if it was the first time I'd ever felt them. She returns every ounce of passion in her movements, she kisses me as if it's the only thing she's ever wanted and I could break right here under this touch.
"Are you okay?" I ask her, her damp hair hanging over her shoulders, one of my sweatshirts over her, still swallowing her whole despite her pregnant belly.
"Are you?" She returns the question, and I feel so much love for her in this moment. She's worried for me just as I am for her.
"I am now that you're home..." I mumble, sitting on the bed, one of my legs pulled up, the other hanging over the side. "Come to bed..." I motion for her to come over but she looks behind me, looking to the windows, the double doors, and the balcony.
"I.. I wanted to watch the sun come up... I haven't um.. I haven't really seen anything but the same four walls, and pitch black for two weeks, I missed the sun..." She tells me, and I feel my heart break.
"Let's watch the sun come up then..." I mumble, trying to force a lazy smile across my face.
"You can go to bed. I don't want to keep you up..." She mumbles, the odd shy nature she's possessing shows through as she looks down.
"I'd rather be with you..." I tell her, coming to her, and leading her so she can't argue anymore. I feel like I won't be leaving her side at all these next few months. I don't want to be anywhere she's not.
I open the doors, and bring her to one of the long chairs sat outside. I sit down, pulling her down with me, sitting her between my legs so her back is pressed to my chest, the back of her head resting on my shoulder. My hands rest softly on her stomach, my fingers still mindlessly drawing circles across it, knowing that our entire world is still held inside of her.
"When they moved... When they kicked, and jumped, and moved around... that was what pulled me out of it all..." She speaks softly, and the black sky is starting to wake up as she does. "But then I realized how in the dark you were... You had no idea if I was okay, or if I was even alive... you didn't know if they were okay..." Her hand moves on top of mine, lacing her fingers with mine as they rest on her stomach.
"I was so scared you had given up... that you gave up hope, but I kept telling myself that I knew you, and that I knew you weren't someone who was hopeless. I knew you kept every bit of hope you could, and that you didn't need those things... " She stops, both of our eyes ahead on the sun that is slowly coming up.
"Keep going..." I mumble, not wanting to push her, but just wanting to hear her voice.
"They tried to get me to turn against the thought of you... They... They played your music, the same song for hours on end, and it was torture.. It was torture because I wanted you, and I needed you there, and hearing your voice it was like a sick joke because you were there but not in the ways I needed you. They would scream and yell, and say the most awful things to me while that stupid fucking song played. It turned into torture hearing your voice so I turned off my feelings... I wouldn't cry, or react, or scream or yell.. I wouldn't speak.." She tells me, and it's hard to hear it. It's hard to hear all of this, and feel it, knowing I'll never know what she was feeling in those moments.
"In the video you..." I start, but she finishes for me.
"I was crying... Before the video they... They took the knife to my stomach, saying they needed me to beg them to stop, and I lost it... They took the video, and then turned the song back on, and I begged them to turn it off. I hardly remember last week, but I remember begging them to turn it off.." She tells me, and my mind travels back to her sitting in that chair in the police station. Her hands covered her ears when I spoke to her... she kept asking me to turn it off... She wanted my voice off. She was confused, she thought I wasn't real, that it was some sick twisted joke they had been playing on her and my heart sinks as low as it can go inside my chest.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there... I'm sorry I didn't send the money, they wouldn't let me send it.. I tried the day you went missing, and they wouldn't let me... Fuck El, I tried everything I could, and-" I start, feeling my body go rigid at the thoughts of her being held captive, and I feel hers tense as I raise my voice. "I'm sorry..." I mumble, realizing.
"It's fine.." She mumbles.
"My voice... does it.. Does it still hurt?" I ask quietly, fearing the answer.
"When you're talking like this, when it's soft no... but when you raise it for some reason my head can't interpret it the same... I'm sorry." She mumbles, and I shake my head.
"Don't apologize... I won't raise my voice darling.. I'm sorry I didn't save you I'm so sorry I wasn't there... I missed you more than words can describe El, and-" I start.
"And I'm here now... " She tells me. One of my arms is resting on her chest, holding her shoulder. I feel her lips kiss on my skin, grazing my arm. I feel her tears fall on my arms, she won't show me them, but I feel them. This trauma, this pain she felt is going to live between us forever, but it's not going to ruin us, I won't let it.
"Look up darling..." I mumble, and the sky is painted. Purple, and blue.. Orange and red, pink, and yellow. All the colors are painted across the sky, and they are casting the most beautiful glow around her as I look down to her. I see the sunrise, but not in the sky above me. I see the sunrise in the woman within me, the woman held in my grasp right now. I've always seen the sunrise in her, I've always felt it within her touch. They tell you that you can't hold onto things like that, they tell you that you can't hold the sun, or chase the moon. They've always been wrong though....
She's the sunrise because even in the midst of the worst times. Even through the gut wrenching pain she still rises, and she still comes forward, and she still shines as bright as anything I've ever seen. Above everything else she is the brightest color of gold, shining and glittering and making it impossible to feel pain even when it surrounds us.
We kept the evening long, and through the feeling of holding her, seeing her look to the sky in the softest manner possible I know we won't break apart. This evening, this night, this day, this morning is a time I couldn't forget. I knew her strength, but it showed through more now than ever.
The sun could never rise again, and I know I would be okay because the sun rises in my eyes every single time she laughs, or smiles, or opens her mouth. Her ray never leaves my mind. Every problem we've grown through, every dream we've shared, every wish we have blurted into the air, they all mean nothing to me because after this evening everything is new.
This is an evening that will live in me forever because this is the day the sun hangs highest in the sky. This is the day my light was returned to me, and the day that I decided I will never let my sun leave again.
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Song: An Evening I Will Not Forget by Dermot Kennedy.
Okay but the last part where Harry is talking about El really made me cry a lil bit when I wrote it I'm not gonna lie...
Thoughts?