The principal looked at us with pure disappointment. "I cannot accept violence in this school. This is a shame, both of you should be ashamed. You're both two young beautiful women who should be supporting each other instead of taking each other down" She made her feministic talk.
Billie and I were sitting a few feet apart from each other on the sofa in front of the principal. Neither of us dared to speak.
"Alright. you're not leaving here for the next four hours until you get your little misunderstanding sorted out and get along with each other" She said as she left the room. "I'll be in the room next door, so if you dare to fight again, I'll give you both a suspension"
As soon as she left, I confronted her.
"Why the fuck do you carry a knife in your pocket?"
"Tell anyone and It's the last thing you'll ever say" she hissed.
"Psychopath" I yelled but she didn't respond. Angrily, I kept throwing words at her until she finally yelled at me to stop. I kept silent for a minute before I spoke up again, not willing to let her win this little power game.
"who the fuck else threatens someone with a knife?"
"Who the fuck punches someone in the face for nothing? Besides that, I wasn't gonna hurt you, I just wanted to make my position clear"
"I'm not scared of you"
"Really? Because your eyes told me otherwise earlier" she smirked.
"Listen bitch, I don't know who you think you are, but if you're not telling me why the fuck, you're bringing a fucking knife to school, I'll tell the principal what kind of freak you are" I threatened.
"I am eager to find out how that is gonna go pumpkin since I'm the one who is bleeding".
"Don't underestimate me Eilish" I said with a sour voice. I couldn't be around her for another second "Let me out" I screamed, as I began banging on the door. I needed to get out.
"Calm down, she's not gonna let us out for the next couple of hours, I know her, been there."
"Don't talk to me" I hissed at her, as I continued screaming.
"Shut the fuck uppppp, no one is gonna hear us" she drowned me out.
"What are you gonna do about it, huh? Pull out your knife and kill me?" I said pejoratively.
"Don't be dramatic, I wouldn't have killed you, I just wan-" I didn't hear her next words.
TRIGGER WARNING: PANIC ATTACKS. SKIPP TO THE NEXT CHAPTER. IF YOU ARE SENSIBLE TO THESE TOPICS.
My breathing became uneven and I started to panic. I could barely breath, and as I was gasping for air, my body started heating up. After a while my vision became blurry. I was completely overwhelmed, I didn't know what was happening, but I was convinced that I was about to die. It felt like I've lost all control over my body.
I gasped for air, but there just wasn't any. I wanted to run away, but where would I go? I couldn't even feel my legs and I was stuck. "I am stuck" Those words repeated in my head like a circle again and again, until someone suddenly interrupted them.
"Casey?"
"I"-I gasped-"I think I'm...about-to die"
"Hey, listen to me Casey, you're not gonna die. I think you're having a panic attack" They said with a steady, calm voice. I could hear the sound of jewelry getting closer to me. It was Billie.
"Go away," I barely managed to breath out.
"It's okay, just let me help you through this and you can go right back to hating me okay?"
I didn't say anything and just kept gasping for air.
"Okay, don't worry. I'm here for you and you are gonna get past this, I promise." Her voice was so calm and collected compared to earlier.
"But I- I can't breathe" I stammered.
"I think you're having a panic attack. I promise, you're not gonna die okay? You can still talk, which means you can breathe as well. We're gonna do a breathing exercise to stable your breath okay?"
I slowly nodded. Something about the way she talked made me actually believe her. "Can you put your hand on your belly?" She asked, but I shook my head. I was not able to move. "Can I touch your hand?" She asked carefully and I nodded. She gently put my hand on my belly and held it there for support.
"Okay now what I want you to do is to try breathing slowly through your stomach with me, can you do that?"
"Yes," I stammered. Taking aback about how nice and caring she suddenly was. Maybe she wasn't the worst person after all.
She slowly breathed in with her nose and out with her mouth again, while giving me clear instructions on what to do. Whereas I did my best to imitate her.
"Good, very good, can you feel your breath in your stomach?"
I nodded.
"Okay, good. let's try this a few more times" she said, as we slowly breathed in and exhaled out again a couple more times. I felt my hand moving up and down on my stomach, which made me aware of my breathing again, and I was able to calm down a little bit.
"Okay. We're gonna try something else now to distract you alright? Can you do the wall sit on the wall behind you? It's gonna be another exercise." I didn't understand what she wanted to do but I just did what she said since it seemed to work.
"Good, hold that. Now look around in the room and tell me about 5 things you can see" I obeyed and found 5 things in the environment. Next, I had to tell her about 4 things I heart, 3 things I felt, 2 things I smelled, and finally about one thing I could taste.
By the end of this exercise my legs were burning from the wall sit and felt like jelly. Luckily, she finally allowed me to relax my muscles again. I immediately slide down the wall and sat on the ground. "Do you feel better? Or do you want to do another exercise?" She asked with a genuine voice.
"No, it's fine, I think. Can you-" I paused "-can you just sit with me for a few more seconds?" I asked carefully, not wanting to ask for too much.
My concern seemed unreasonable because she immediately sat down beside me and took me in her arms. "Is this, okay?" She asked and I nodded. leaning my head on her chest. I felt safe again.
We sat there in silence for a couple more minutes which I later found out was about half an hour. "I'm sorry" I whispered.
"Sorry for what?" She asked confused.
"That was so embarrassing. I literally thought I was about to die. I must have sounded so ridiculous" I confessed.
Suddenly she straightened up and looked me into the eyes. "Hey listen. What you were feeling is valid. It's normal to feel like this during a panic attack, especially when you don't know you're having one. And your mental health is never embarrassing, okay? Never! You need to understand this." She underlined and I nodded.
"Do you experience them often?" She asked after a while.
"Just once before, but I never categorized it as a panic attack. Therefore, I never knew how to handle it." I replied genuinely.
"Did you ever see a therapist about it?" She asked carefully.
"No, I mean I never considered it until now"
"Okay. I can't tell you what to do, but just know, that seeking help is never wrong or embarrassing. It's actually really brave and can help you a lot"
I didn't reply, but I took her words by heart.
"Until then I can give you a few tips and tricks for panic attacks that can help you to get through it easier if you want, but it's probably a good idea to talk with your doctor about this as well" She offered.
"Thank you. And I will get it checked out".
For the next 20 minutes, Billie explained to me a lot about panic attacks and gave me useful tips on how to overcome them easier that have helped her and her friends. I listened carefully. Our fight seemed already forgotten. I wondered how her attitude changed so quickly. 2 hours ago she threatened me with a knife, and I was scared as hell of her, and the next thing I know she takes care of me and supports me through a panic attack like no one has before. What was so important about that night, that would make her go crazy like that ?