"behind the smile is a story you'll never understand"
*
"Sirius, mate, you are what we call screwed."
A voice came from nowhere. "Yeah, I know."
James rolled his hazel eyes and threw more mismatched socks into his trunk. "You've been under that cloak for an hour now. Man up and get out. You still have to finish packing."
"I don't want anyone to find me. Especially Marlene."
"Come on, you're a Gryffindor!" Peter said bracingly. "You can do this. Trust us!"
"What, just walk down to breakfast? Those girls have looks that could kill, I swear!"
"Sirius, mate, you're being a dramatic little twat," James informed him. "Were you aware of that?"
"You don't get it! I hurt her. I had a chance and I blew it. This was my one chance! I might not get another one! This isn't like you badgering Evans over and over again to go out with you! This is real! Don't you understand? She went to that party alone because I didn't do the mature thing and tell her that I couldn't make it. That was my fault. I did that."
Sirius had been up all night. After the boys traipsed in at around four in the morning after their time at the Shrieking Shack, he couldn't shut his mind off. He kept replaying the moment he'd seen her cry, watching that single tear slide down her cheek in the firelight. He didn't want to imagine her standing alone at Slughorn's party, but that's all he could see.
A knock startled the three boys, and a random thud informed the other two that Sirius had fallen off of the bed. Peter jumped forward and got on his tiptoes to see through the peephole they drilled through the door their third year.
"It's not Marlene," he informed the group. "It's Lily."
He unlocked the door and let a very furious-looking redhead in. James immediately backed out of the way.
"Morning, Lily," Peter squeaked.
"I know he's in here."
"Evans, darling, how lovely of you to call," said the invisible Sirius. "Consulting hours are every third Wednesday from three to five. Please come again."
"Sirius Orion Black, get out from under that chameleon blanket and come talk to me."
Sirius begrudgingly poked his head out from under the Invisibility Cloak, his eyes bloodshot from exhaustion, hair still messy, and a long scrape down the side of his face. "If you've come to tell me that I messed up, Evans, save your breath. I know."
"Well, you did, but that's not why I came." She sat down on the bed next to him. "You're going to have to do some massive cleanup if you want her to forgive you. What are you going to do about it?"
"I was thinking about giving her some space," he said, looking down at his hands. "Let her cool down, talk to her after the holidays."
She whacked him on the head with a pillow. "That is the worst thing you could do."
"Oi! Easy with the pillow!"
"Why? Sounds like a plan to me!" James said, sticking up for his friend. Lily rolled her eyes.
"Because then she'll spend all of the holidays hating you! You don't want that. She's angry, Sirius, but she's mostly just hurt. She doesn't understand why you weren't there. I don't either, but my opinion doesn't matter now." Lily pulled the pillow closer and hugged it to herself. "That was a pretty crappy thing to do, by the way."
"Aw, come on, Evans, he had to!" James protested. He pointed to Remus' empty bed, and understanding dawned in her evergreen eyes.
"I know that, but she doesn't. Have you been out? Have you talked to anyone yet?" The boys shook their heads. "She showed up to the party alone and started talking to Regulus."
"Regulus?" James interjected.
"Yes. Regulus. And they spent the night dancing and laughing. Marlene caught them snogging outside of the portrait hole."
What little color Sirius' face had from the lack of sleep drained. "What?"
Right before she left the room, Lily met his gaze, her eyes withering. "You screwed up, Black."
The three boys sat in shock, just processing everything they'd just learned.
"Blimey," James muttered to himself. He imagined Eva getting so intoxicated that she would kiss Sirius' brother by the portrait hole and wondered just how much she'd had to drink. There was absolutely no way she would do that with a clear head. Right? "This just got unexpectedly complicated."
"I can't believe she kissed him," Sirius said hollowly. "She's not like that."
"She was angry and drunk, mate," James pointed out. "Not a good combo."
Peter continued to throw Remus' things in his trunk as he spoke, knowing his friend wouldn't have time to do it himself. "So what do we do? Just tell her?"
"No, Wormtail, don't be an idiot," scoffed James. "We promised Remus we wouldn't tell anyone. It's not our fault Evans figured it out, but if we tell Eva, that's on us."
"So we're just going to let her hate me?" Sirius asked. "Is that how this is going to work?"
"Padfoot, let me be blunt for a minute. With everything she knows, she has a right to hate you."
"I know, I know," Sirius rambled, running his hands through his hair without even realizing he was doing it. "I need to talk to her."
Peter's bushy eyebrows shot up. "You sure that's a good idea?"
"You heard Lily. I need to talk to her and apologize. I won't tell her about Remus, though - I'll figure something else out. I'll talk to her on the train."
Sirius went back to packing his things, dreading both his conversation with Eva and the holiday ahead.
*
"We're going skiing," Lily told her friends in their usual compartment. "Hopefully Petunia doesn't let her snotty attitude ruin the trip, though."
Eva nodded absentmindedly as she stroked Ringo's head. The little owl hooted softly and fluttered around his cage. She knew he wanted to fly, but they let him out on the train once in their fourth year and were banned from doing so ever again.
"I can't wait to see my mum," Eva said, her voice quieter than usual. She pulled her knees up to her chest and propped her chin on her knees, imagining a relaxing holiday. It was exactly what she needed. Marlene and Lily didn't mention the night before and for that she was immensely grateful. While she felt embarrassed about being caught with Regulus, she didn't regret it. More than anything, her negative thoughts dwelled on Sirius, who she didn't want to see at all.
Marlene tossed her a Pumpkin Pasty and grinned. "Mitchell will probably want to train all break for the next match. I'll get roped into helping him."
"At least you have a good relationship with him," said Lily. "Tuney's always so critical of me. She's got this absolutely terrible boyfriend she met at the university, too. I can't stand him. If he's coming on the trip, I might have to fake an illness."
The girls giggled when Lily showed them a picture of Petunia and her no-neck boyfriend, Vernon and swapped stories about family members they didn't like until the train arrived home.
"Eva!" Lily called before she took off. "It'll be okay. Okay?"
Eva smiled and hugged the redhead girl. "Okay."
She picked up Ringo's cage and her trunk, lugging them off of the train. Steam from the scarlet express fogged the area as she scanned the platform for the Marauders minus Sirius. She wanted to wish them a happy holiday before she left. A hand grabbed her wrist, and she whipped around, coming face to face with Sirius Black, the one person she did not want to see.
His bloodshot eyes worried her, as did the scratch on his cheek, but she pushed the concern aside and glared at him. "What do you want?"
"Blondie, can I um, can I talk to you for a minute?" He stammered, adjusting his hat. Merlin, he looks cute. She shoved the thought out of her head instantly. Her feelings for him didn't matter if he kept hurting her.
"Make it quick. My mum's waiting outside of the platform. She'll worry about me."
Sirius sighed. He tried to take her hand but she yanked it away, folding her arms.
"Listen, I wanted to apologize about last night. That was terrible. I shouldn't have stood you up. When I told you I could go, I forgot about the other plans I had."
"Other plans? With who?" She asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Remus was sick last night," he said, trying to stick to the truth as much as possible. "I was in the hospital wing all last night and into this morning with him."
"Really? Lily said you were in the common room this morning, and I saw you at breakfast." She shoved her hands in the pocket of her red hoodie. He had never seen such fury in her green eyes. "Stop lying to me. I'm not dumb enough to believe it anymore."
"Eva, you know I would never hurt you on purpose-"
"Do I?" Red crept up her ears like a warning. He took a step back, just in case. "I don't want to hear your excuses, Black. They just make me feel worse."
Sirius couldn't believe it. "What about you? Snogging my drunk brother in a dark hallway three hours after I didn't show up? What kind of girl are you?"
"How dare you?" She hissed, taking a step closer. "At least he was there. At least he listens. That's more than you can say."
"Then why don't you have fun with him instead? Join the Regulus Black fan club, my parents started it! It's also known as the I Hate Sirius Union! Apparently it's a popular institution! Stop wearing my jacket and joking around with me late at night and go snog my Death Eater of a brother, will you?"
Eva balled her fists at her sides, her body quivering with anger. "I thought you were desperate, but making up lies about your brother to make you look better is so low."
"I'm not making it up! He's all buddied with Lord Voldemort now, ask him, he'll tell you!"
"Shut up, Sirius," she snapped. "I don't care if jealousy works with the other girls you flirt with, but it's not going to work on me. I had fun last night. If Regulus really was allied with You-Know-Who, then he wouldn't have treated me like a lady last night. I'm a Mudblood, remember?"
"Eva! Don't say that about yourself. They're all actors, don't you see? He's one of them, I swear!"
"If this is all you had to say, I think I'll be going." She stopped to pick up her trunk but he grabbed her hand again.
"Look, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I didn't show and I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry you went through all of the pain I caused and I'm sorry that I can't tell you what I was really doing. I'm sorry, okay?" He took a deep breath, trying to slow his anger as he waited for her reaction.
"Sirius, let me tell you something." She glanced down at her wrist, pulled a glass-beaded bracelet off, and handed it to him. "Drop the bracelet."
He held the delicate piece of jewelry in his hand, felt the hard beads roll between his fingers. "What? It'll break!"
"Just do it."
He dropped the bracelet onto the ground and it shattered into glass bits.
"Step on it for good measure. Go ahead." Eva watched him with an even expression as he stomped on her bracelet's remains. "Did it break?"
"Yes," Sirius answered, scared of where this was leading.
"Now say sorry to it."
"Eva-"
"Apologize to the bracelet, Black."
He shoved his hands in his pockets and ducked his head. "I'm sorry."
"Did it go back to the way it was before? Did your apology fix it? Is it all better now?"
"No," Sirius whispered.
"Exactly." Her green eyes filled with tears. "Happy Christmas." She disappeared into the crowd without another word.
Sirius sighed and knelt to the ground. Fishing his wand out of his pocket, he pointed it at the broken glass and muttered, "Reparo." The bracelet mended itself and he picked it up with delicate fingers, afraid to break it again. He stood and ran through the platform, but she was already gone.
"Sirius!" He cringed at the sound of his mother's voice and slid the bracelet into his coat pocket before spinning around and forcing a sarcastic grin.
"Mother. Pleased to see me?"
Mrs. Black looked her eldest up and down with a shrewd gaze. "As pleased as can be expected."
"Good, we're on the same page," he said, clapping his hands together in mock excitement. "Ready to go, then? I just can't wait to go back to prison. Sorry, to the house."
She raised her hand to slap her son but he ducked and then gave her a cheeky wink. He knew he was asking for it later, but the irritated twitch in his mother's jaw made the bruises so worth it, at least in his opinion.
"Hello, mum." Regulus greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. Sirius felt his blood boil at the sight of his younger brother. "How are you?"
"Just fine, dear." She patted his cheek fondly. "You look tired. Are you feeling all right?"
Regulus shot Sirius a triumphant look before nodding and saying, "Yeah. I'm just tired. I had a long night."
Sirius had never in his life wanted to hex someone more.
The family apparated to the Black household. Sirius wanted to go hide in his room the second he set foot in the house, but his mother forced the boys to sit at the table and tell her about their semester. The atmosphere of the dark walls and Pureblood decorations deteriorated any happiness he had kept after the fight with Eva.
"Sirius, who was that girl you were running after on the platform?" Mrs. Black straightened her coal-covered scarf and her face fell into its ever-present frown.
Sirius pretended to focus on removing his gloves. "One of my friends from school."
"It was that Mudblood girl, wasn't it? That girl who kept sending you owls all summer?"
"Don't call her that," he snapped. Regulus just sat in his chair, mug in his hands, watching quietly. "She's bloody brilliant. Yes, she is a Gryffindor, and yes, she is a Muggle Born, and yes, her mother is far better than mine."
This time, Sirius was not quick enough. Her ring-clad hand came into contact with his cheek and he stumbled back against the wall. While fear coursed through his veins as it always did, he cracked a smile, daring her to strike him again.
"I thought you could do better than that. Come on!"
Just like Eva, Sirius was well-trained in the arts of smiling and joking through the pain.