Before we start I know these were in the tags and the warning chapter, but I cannot stress this enough. Trigger warning for: heavy heavy subjects, self harm, suicidal thoughts, mental illness, ptsd, depression, dissociation, eating disorder type elements, panic attacks, anxiety, separation anxiety, flashbacks, and much much more please do not hesitate to tell me to tag anything else. I never want anyone to be hurt by this. Please take care of yourselves I love you so much. Take care <3
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Steven sighs staring up at the ceiling blankly.
He felt... numb.
It wasn't unusual these days, it started with an overall emotional outburst, a panic attack, followed shortly by this numbness and well... once he came down from that he finally got some release. Which was good. He needed that release otherwise he'd probably destroy the world he tried so goddamn hard to save. His whole life's work. Gone in a flash due to one of his stupid temper tantrums.
He's becoming more and more like his mother every waking second.
Disgusting.
It's ridiculous really. This schedule he has become accustomed to. He has no real interest to stop it, he'd rather die than let anyone know about this. He knows it's bad, deep deep down, but no one needs to know it's this bad.
They'd be crushed.
Absolutely destroyed.
He couldn't allow that to happen. His whole being... his whole purpose is to help them. Fix them. Make sure they feel good. Not make them feel how he's feeling right this second. He would die before he let anyone feel the way he feels right now.
No one cares anyway... well. He knows that's not true. The problem is that they do care. They really really do, it's just... why? Why did they have to care? It would've been so much easier if they just hadn't cared. The only thing tying him to this plane of existence is them. He knows how pained they'd be if he just... died. But it doesn't stop him from wanting death. No not wanting. Needing. Craving. He'd rather that honestly. Existing is just so... so exhausting .
He sighed softly to himself, sitting up for the first time in a while. The numbness is fading.
Time to get some release he supposes. Really this routine was detrimental to his health... did he care though?
Of course not.
He just needed some type of consistency to deal with all the change that's been happening lately. If he can just control this small part of his life- then he can survive. He can cope. For a little while at least.
And so he got to his feet. Pins and needles making his movement harder than it needed to be. Actually it caused him to fall down the stairs, face-first into the hard unforgiving wooden floor. It hurt, but he just brushed it off. It was nothing. He continued his journey toward the bathroom.
His hands wander down his torn up arms, he loved the feeling of the scabbed over skin beneath his fingertips. He loved looking at it all. All the pain he's caused himself made him... it made him feel . It took away that first initial numbness. Well, it usually did that anyway. It's all he can hope for and control at the moment.
Finally, finally, after that excruciating slow walk to his safe haven, he made it.
He fucking made it.
He made a b-line for the sink where he left his exposed blades and splattered blood all over the mirror and bathroom floor. He didn't bother to close the door either. Everyone was out. No one was home and they wouldn't be for a while. He's been alone for almost a week now. They were busy and living life to the fullest. It's part of the reason he didn't bother to heal his injuries or even attempt to hide it. No one even asked what he did with all his time, and if they did?
Well... he's a shockingly good liar.
Besides he likes them. They comfort him when nothing else can. He doesn't have Sadie anymore. He doesn't have the cool kids, he doesn't have Lars, Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, Connie ! He doesn't have his dad either! He has nothing.
Nothing .
He has nothing but this.
He has... he has this. When everything else failed him. Even his own plants- he has... these scars. This blood. This pain. And it'll never leave. It will never leave until he leaves too.
So he doesn't hesitate. He doesn't . When the blade sinks into him he can feel it. He can feel it there in his arm. The stinging sensation it brings- the scars it leaves... its... it's bliss .
So he continues over, and over, and over again. He should've died a long time ago, he's honestly lost so much blood doing this. Too much blood if he's being honest. It would've killed a regular human being months ago.
You can barely see the old scars anymore beneath all the new ones.
Eventually, he tires himself out with the repeated motion of cutting over and over again. He accidentally catches himself in the mirror.
Huh.
He's a real mess huh?
They're everywhere. His arms are covered in the scratches, bruises, burns, and cuts that he's caused himself. His stomach, thighs, legs are the same, anywhere he can reach really. His gem in the center of it has been chipped at every once and a while when he feels particularly mad at himself. When he thinks... maybe... just maybe today's the day. Maybe today's the day I rip this godforsaken gem out of my stomach and smash it into pieces before allowing myself to finally bleed out and slip into unconscious bliss.
If only he had the guts.
Instead, he lays on the bathroom floor crying. Crying so fucking hard, his eyes hurt. What a fucking pathetic piece of shit. Don't you agree? He really shouldn't have any tears left in his system. He was ridiculously dehydrated... and starving, but regardless of that fact, the stream continued down his face, creating a puddle of misery, and hurt.
He continued to lay there crying to himself until he finally grew tired of it all and fell into sweet, sweet unconsciousness.
Or so he thought.
- - -
"Guys I'm here!- huh!? Pearl!?" Connie's voice screams out as she finally, finally arrives only to be stopped but the dull pale Pearl that was currently in Whites control. Spear against sword. Master against student.
"Connie!" Steven calls back, his tone worried and breaking. He was scared. So... sososososo scared. His family they were-
"Well, what are we here? It's another one of your pets!" White exclaims, continuing to use Pearl's body against her as she forces Connie to fight back.
"Wait!- woah!" Steven regardless of the fear embedded inside him tries so hard to get them to stop them from hurting one another, but ultimately being grabbed by Garnet and Amethyst's cold gray hands.
He struggles against them, forced to watch the two fight, Connie eventually becoming overpowered by Pearl.
The two were brought to White Diamond, Steven was thrown to the ground carelessly. All he could feel was anger at that moment- how dare she hurt his family like this?!
"Let her go." He growls angrily in White's direction.
"These worthless gems weren't enough, were they? See how you surround yourself with lower lifeforms?" Her voice echoes mercilessly in his head.
"You smothered yourself in them. It feels good doesn't it, Pink ? Dulling your power, hiding your face, blaming everything on someone else. You became 'Rose Quartz' to deceive your pathetic friends. And now you've improved on that because you're even deceiving yourself-" no he's... he's not her! He... he can't be... her? Right? Worry flashed before his eyes- was he... could he be? No! It can't... he doesn't want to...
"No. You're wrong! I'm not my Mom!" He yells back in an attempt to wipe those thoughts from his mind- he can't be, he can't be, he can't-
"But don't you know things about her you couldn't possibly know?"
A memory of his mother's appearance in a mirror before he- she punches it into shattered pieces flashes through his mind.
She's... she's right- but, but!
"I... I... I've just been connecting with her! My powers they... they help me connect to others... I'm not her... I'm just feeling her feelings!" He tries desperately, no longer to try convince White Diamond- but to convince himself. All these flashing memories! It's- it's too much!
"Isn't it obvious? Even though you've embedded yourself inside that human child, your light can't help shining through!" Her smile is haunting. Her voice is terrifying- but that's not what scares him its... it's just... is he his mother?!
"You know you're in there."
Does he?
"You've known it all along."
Has he?!
"Stop cowering inside your gem."
I'm not!
"You can hide from yourself, but you can't hide from me, Pink "
Everything was spinning, he was going to throw up! It was too much!
Too much!
"Don't listen to her Steven! She's just trying to mess with you!"
He thinks he can hear Connie but... but he's not sure- it's muffled- he can't... he can't focus!
Everything hurts!
Is he his Mom!?
And then he can feel himself leave the ground. Giant blinding white fingers squeeze him tight. Too tight as they lift him away from the ground.
"Steven!" Connie screams after him, she the last thing he sees before-
"Now Starlight." Her giant gray eyes stare into his soul- nonononononononononono- what's happening!?
He's paralyzed with fear, what's she going to do?!
"This has gone on long enough" she smiles, her hand ready to pluck something from him, but what?! What could it possibly be!?
Her way too sharp of a nail lifts his shirt.
No.
He can't breathe- he can't breathe! HE CAN'T BREATHE!
Her fingers lower toward his stomach-
PLEASE NO!-
She grips his gem between her nails.
"It's time to come out, Pink ."
He can feel it.
He can feel everything .
Pain, pain, pain, pain!
BURNING WHITE PAIN!
It's too real- TOO REAL!
"NOOOOOO!" Connie screams at the top of her lungs.
She pulls. And pulls and pulls and pulls and pulls. She won't stop pulling!
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts!- please!
Someone help me!
- - -
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! STOP! STOP! STOP! GET OFF OF ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! PLEASE STOP! STOP! STOP! STOP! PLEASE! -" Steven lets out a blood-curdling scream, he's half-conscious as his tears fall carelessly down his face. The screaming he's letting out creates a small crater that he sinks into as the bathroom becomes destroyed around him, Steven himself not taking notice. He's got goosebumps, sweat drips from his forehead and there's pain- so much- too much pain! TOO MUCH PAIN- his gem- WHERE'S HIS GEM!?
His eyes open, he clutches his stomach as hard as he can, probably causing bruising and opening the cuts that surrounded his gem that he caught along with his grip. It's not- he can't feel it there, please no! No! He needs it! He needs it so fucking much!
He lifts his shirt- he can't see it! Where- please!
"GIVE IT BACK!" He cries out, he feels heavy and weak- like he's... like he's dying!
Again!
Panic rises- he's dying, he's dying, he's dying- he feels sick- he needs to vomit- but there's nothing in his stomach so all he could do is dry gag until the bile in his stomach spilled out all over him.
Blood, sweat, tears, and vomit all come together as his shaking hands grasp his stomach harder and harder, Steven screaming out for someone- anyone to help! His pink glow illuminates the terribly dark bathroom he currently couldn't currently see in this state. He couldn't see at all! All there was, was a blinding white light and- and burning pain .
-
A couple of hours pass.
He's useless.
Useless.
All he could do was lay there in his own vomit, sobbing softly to himself in a fetal position as he cried in the middle of the bathroom floor, muttering soft pleads for everything to just stop .
It took a while for him to come back to reality, actually what did it was his phone buzzing atop the bathroom sink- or well what used to be the bathroom sink.
Everything had broken. He was in a small crater in the ground, the walls broken almost completely. The mirror shattered into pieces-
He really is just like her , huh?
He shakily crawled toward the sink that was now in the crater he'd created for himself. He ignores the pieces of mirror shards and various wooden pieces that dug into him as he reached out for his broken phone. The shattered screen doesn't phase him as he sees a message notification from... Connie?
What could she want so late in the evening? His eyes flick to the top of the screen... oh it's seven? In the morning?
Huh...
His heart races. Connie- he needs her- needs to see her. He misses her so much- he didn't want to interrupt her studying or anything, but she wants to see him! She needs him!
There was no hesitation as he types away on his broken phone. It only just barely works in its current state. He's terribly lucky.
He smiles tiredly to himself as he watches ridden with anxiety as she types away on her end.
The question threw him off for a second and his smile faded- why wouldn't he be okay?
He snorts to himself.
Whoops.
A smile returns to his face as he types out.
He awaits a response. Every second was excruciating.
He giggles giddily to himself.
Connie's coming! Connie's coming!
He was so happy he could dance! He was so happy he got caught up in the adrenaline of the joy he felt and almost forgot about the mess he made.
Almost.
His eyes wandered around the bathroom, his suddenly giddy mood escaping him in that moment of helplessness. How was he supposed to clean himself and the bathroom in half an hour?
He really should've put more thought into this...
He's really an idiot, huh?
The hand that wasn't currently holding his phone was still gripping his stomach in anxiety of his gem not being there. He hesitantly allowed his hand to relax and instinctively lifted his shirt just to check it was there.
It was.
It was always there.
He was just being paranoid.
Stop being stupid Universe.
He needed to stop having these stupid dreams. They were ridiculous. He was ridiculous. He couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't in that state- he needs to get a grip!
But before that. He needs to have a shower.
A long, long shower...
And new clothes... he's also going to have to heal his scars... well at least the ones on his hands and face. He couldn't let Connie see this.
The thought made him sick.
All that hard work... gone with a little saliva.
He hated having to heal them.
Absolutely hated it.
But sometimes... it just needed to be done. And so he got to his feet, and although it was wobbly at first he was standing.
And so he did the next right thing and took a step, trying to ignore the digging sensation of glass and wood sticking into his feet. He continued to take a step. And then another, and then another.
One step at a time Universe.
Do it for her.
-
Hula! Oof... that sure was??? A journey? I dunno this is more of me just projecting lma0 dw tho im goodio, it's just a good stress outlet anyway let's talk about this boi. THIS BOI IS KILLING ME- every second he goes without therapy i lose a year off my lifespan istg- anyway please do tread carefully while reading this, there is SO much triggering topics and stuff happening, I'm sorry if it seems overbearing but I CANNOT stress all the trigger warnings enough. The last thing I want to do is cause anyone harm. So yes. Anyway this'll be a v dark fic obviously so uh thanks for reading? And if there are vocab or grammar issues TELL ME YAH COWARDS- anyway I love you guys please please stay safe. I know I'm a stranger but I care, even if that means nothing, just know that. Thank you! Loves!... peace out!
Cheers!
Bai, bai ^-^
Lubs <3
- ExistentTrash