! TRIGGER WARNING! (Not typical of this book)
Gore (very little however) and suicide attempt. This chapter uses knives and guns in a very bad way (not that they are always good in any situation). If this is a triggering and uncomfortable subject don't read!
I'll recap next chapter regardless!
Blood spattered my face and suit.
I stood there emotionless. My hand lowered.
So many emotions flowed through me. Every emotion I've ever felt for Madame B rushed back at once.
Love. Hate. Sorrow. Pain. Happiness. Anger.
I once thought of her like mother. Now she lay dead ,at my own hand, in front of me. I came here on my own will. I shot at my own will. I couldn't say that I wasn't slightly happy about it. The revenge part of me was, sort of, at ease. But I also felt..remorse. A small feeling creeping it's way from deep inside.
I had no idea if she had been tricked and brainwashed like me. But I guess I'll never find out.
I also felt disgusted. Not at Madame B anymore. At myself. Well sorta at Madame B too, but it was mainly directed at myself.
I wanted so badly to rid my hands of blood of innocents, but my crave for revenge was stronger. How could I not stop myself? Yes, Madame B was a horrible person, and everyone else that taught here, and HYDRA, but killing her only made me more like them.
How could I be such an idiot in coming here!? Why did I do this?
I was so content on this, now I regret every action.
What's wrong with me?
I dropped my gun and stepped backward from the pool of blood that formed around my feet. Silent tears ran down my face.
I'm just as bad a monster as them, and I always will be.
Doing this made me no different from them.
Why?
Why?
Why!
I wanted to scream at myself. I had prepared myself for this for months. I negotiated with the Director of SHIELD to get here. I lied to Tony fucking Stark and Agent Hill. I worried Natasha and lied to her, my only biological family left. I lied to my new family, one who accepted me and set me free from HYDRA. I lied to Bucky, the man I love. I hopped on a quinjet to fly hours away from home. I landed in Russia. Broke into my old "school". All this I did while being content on my objective.
I did anything I could to complete this "mission" of mine. Just like when I was brainwashed, nothing got in my way of it. I let nothing stop me. Nothing slow me down.
And now I stood here with..regret, covered and surrounded in the blood of my mentor and mother figure. Well, not my mother figure anymore. She caused me endless pain. But I couldn't deny the happiness I found in some of it.
Killing classmates. Killing innocent, kidnapped people. Torturing people. Manipulating them. Sleeping with them. Shooting them. Hurting them.
That was on my own will. And I liked some of it.
But even brainwashed, even though I fought what they told me, I still did the same things.
I hurt them. Killed them. With no remorse at first. But when their spell began to break, I felt the pain of killing them. The regret. But I still did it.
It was all over now, though.
But I still continued to kill. On missions with SHIELD and the Avengers. I tried convincing myself it was okay, but I still knew it was no different than those lives taken during HYDRA days. Yes the ones I killed with SHIELD were bad people, but some bad people still deserve a chance. They gave me another chance. Why couldn't they have one?
Look where that got me.
Covered in blood. Drowning with hate and regret and anger. Blood pooling around me.
I'm no more than the monster they made me. I can't change that, no matter how hard I try. HYDRA tried to fix me. I couldn't even do anything more than kill after they "fixed" me.
SHIELD and the Avengers, my family, they tried helping me. They tried to put my broken pieces together. They tried to fix me too. I was okay. I got, somewhat of, a life. I bonded with my sister. Got to know my new family. Got close with Bucky.
But just like HYDRA, they can't fix me. If they saw me know, they'd be disappointed. They should have realized they can't help. Nothing can. Not pills. Not therapists. No one and nothing can.
I a murderer. I realize that now. That's why I came all this way. I wanted to come all this way.
For this.
For what I've done.
What I regret doing.
I'm a monster that no one can stop..
except myself.
I stopped to think about that.
Ending myself could stop everyone else's suffering and pain I cause. No more hurting people. It was like a newfound cure.
A large bang and fighting was heard downstairs. They were likely on to me. I grabbed my second gun and raised it up, turning it on myself. Loud stomping and un-distinct shouting was heard. I didn't listen. I didn't care. I had a new objective. I learned a lot from this experience I was so content on doing.
I didn't think about consequence. Nothing.
I cocked the gun as the fighting was in the hall. I lowered my finger as the door knob turned.
I screamed as the gun was knocked forcefully from my hands by an arrow.
Wait. An arrow?
I turned to see my family.
No, I can't look at them. I'll change my mind. I grabbed my knife swiftly and brought it up to my throat as they wrestled me.
"No!" I screamed. "Stop! Let me do this!"
They pulled backward at my arm to keep the cold, sharp metal from touching my delicate skin. Thanks to HYDRA, I was still slightly stronger than some of them. I pulled roughly from their grasp, lowering the shiny metal to my pearly skin.
Suicide was something I never really thought of before, though it was always there. In the back of my head. My will kept it back but now it was free from it's cage.
I had no idea how they got here but I struggled not to look them in the eyes. To see their pain. Their disappointment. I would stop too easily if I did.
"Tiana!" yelled Natasha. "Please! Please stop!"
I could hear Tony and some others fighting off the girls without trying to hurt them. I paid no attention. I kept catching glimpses of Madame B and the blood.
It only made me tug harder. Soon, I felt the edge digging into the side of my neck but they prevented me from sliding it across my throat. To feeling the burning drag across I deserved. To feel the choking feeling from my own blood. To feel the world get heavy and dark. To feel the welcoming of death.
I felt warm, thick blood drip and gush from the opening wound.
"Let me do this!" I screamed again. Tears ran down my face as they finally got the knife away from me, throwing it far off out of my reach. "No!" I cried. I sobbed now. "No!" I said weaker.
"Tiana." Tasha grabbed my face with both hands.I refused to look at her, at any of them. "Look at me." she said, faking her newfound calm. "Look at me. It's okay. It's okay. You're okay."
I slid to the floor and she did too. She held me and slowly rocking my bloody body. I could feel a few of her own tears fall on my head. She hated seeing me like this. At my all time low.
But I didn't care anymore. I lost my chance of ridding the Earth of the worst monster there is. Me.
They'll all be disappointed in me. Forever. And now I'll have to live like that, seeing their faces full of so many emotions for me, everyday.
"No." I said again, weak. "No." I sounded like a mad-man. "Just let me do it. Let me do it. Please. No."
From where I sat, I could see Madame B again. Her lifeless, cruel eyes. Oh, and the blood.
So much blood.
I've murdered so many before, but this time? It was different. I don't know why. She was the least innocent person I've ever killed, but something in doing it made me..change. realize something.
I'm a monster.
A broken one.
A broken soldier.
A broken teacup that can't be pieced together.
Nobody can fix me, even with the right glue.
Broken.
Broken.
Broken.