The front door closes behind Harry and he leans against it with a sigh, closing his eyes. He's starting to understand, why he is who he is, in spite of forgetting it. Somewhere in a different part of London, there is a home that Harry yearns for. He can't quite remember its address or the layout of it. Hell, he doesn't have more than a blurry image of the bed he used to spend every night in. None of it matters, not after today. Harry just wants his family back.
"How was your date, playboy?"
Harry's suddenly alert, opening his eyes. "Gemma?" And indeed, his sister is slowly waving at him with her fingers from the doorway to the living room.
"It's so good you forgot seven years of blackmail you had on me," Gemma quips as she meets Harry in the middle of the hallway and pulls him into a hug. "I was worried sick," she says in a quieter voice. "I really couldn't get here sooner, I tried. I thought you were dead when mum first called me. Are you okay now?"
"I'm fine," Harry sighs and pulls away. He pulls her gently towards the living room. "As fine as I can be in this situation." He plops down on the couch, Gemma joining him. "I was with the kids for a bit today. They've just gone home."
Gemma doesn't retort right away. She chews on her lips, her eyes flicking over Harry's face. She's picking the right thing to say. There isn't one here. "Has it helped?"
"A little," Harry nods. He cards his fingers through his hair, pulling a little. He might grow his hair out again. "In terms of like, my memory, I didn't have an epiphany. I didn't magically regain all my memories. But... I finally felt all the love I have for them. I still don't remember much but holding Noah and Sadie again, I just- I don't remember feeling like that before. Just overpowering love. I never wanted to let them go."
Gemma smiles wistfully. "You adore them. So much. I know mum has said many times that she loves us to death but I never really took it seriously until I saw you with Sadie. She was this tiny little thing and you truly didn't care about anything else but her. I'm glad at least this came back to you."
"Yeah," Harry says. "I've just, a lot of worries. If I can be a competent father anytime soon. Because I truly don't remember things like, what they eat normally, their bedtimes, all that."
"You'll figure it out, don't worry," Gemma says. "How was Zayn?"
Harry rubs his forehead. "Uh, I don't know? We were fine, I think."
"What does that mean?" Gemma frowns. "Fine. That means a lot of things."
"He's just," Harry huffs out a breath. "A bit distant. Like I was a stranger or something. Or an acquaintance at most."
"Yeah, sounds like him," Gemma comments. "What do you remember about your marriage?"
"Not much," Harry admits shamefully. "But I remember everything from the time we started dating. So I'm really fucking confused because, at the same time, my brain is telling me that I should like, impress him with a splendid blowjob and also that he's my husband and we're supposed to be raising our two small children together. It's messy because I literally have a crush on my husband now. And he's keeping himself away from me. Like, he didn't even hug me when he was leaving."
"Give him time," Gemma shrugs. "For once in your life, wait Haz. When you decided to get married, you were the one to suggest it. Of course, Zayn was head over heels in love with you and would never say no. Just as he didn't say no when you one day were like, oh wait, I want a baby."
"Do you think he'll still want me?" Harry asks. He starts chewing on his bottom lip. "Even if I can't remember things that are important to us."
"I can't read his mind," Gemma says. A moment later, she takes a breath like she's going to speak but instead, he gets off the couch. Harry watcher her with a frown but Gemma's back right away along with a book from the bookshelf. "I think this will help you understand your marriage better than through photos and stuff." She hands the book to Harry and his jaw falls open when he sees it was written by Zayn.
"What?" Harry breathes out. "When did he write this?"
"When he did his PhD," Gemma answers. "So basically when Sadie was around a year old."
"What's it about?" Harry asks, turning the medium-sized sunflower yellow paperback in his hands.
"It's a novel," Gemma replies. "It's short stories. Most of them have a bit of your relationship in them. It's actually pretty fucking brilliant. I'm sure he's gonna tell you about it, or you'll remember, but his PhD dissertation was a bit ambitious and his advisor warned him it had a bit too much of a creative writing vibe but he pulled it off. This is the accompanying piece for it. Something about how it's better to analyze short stories by the same author as a connected anthology, like, dunno, American Horror Story, and not completely separate pieces. Of course not like the plot is connected but, I don't know, obviously I'm shit at analyzing literature."
"I wish I didn't have to do this," Harry sighs. "Learn about the relationship I have with my husband through a book he wrote. I just want to be back home. But I can't be."
"Give it a bit of time," Gemma nudges him with her elbow, smiling. "You've been remembering things, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Then don't worry," she puts her hand on his knee. "You wooed the pants off Zayn once, you can do it again. Besides, you have two children you both love more than anything. Sadie and Noah connected you even more than just your relationship. Seriously, after you already had Sadie, you two became like fucking Siamese twins. I felt like you both dropped 'I' from your vocabulary because everything was just 'we, we, we'. It was sickening."
"Fine, I'll read the book," Harry smiles a little. "I'll do it tonight. Then I'm gonna dig through my iCloud and Instagram from before we had kids."
"Great plan," Gemma agrees. "Now let's go make something before mum gets back from Emily's. I'm starving. Airplane food is the worst."
Harry laughs. So Gemma hasn't changed much in the seven years that have vanished from him.
xxx
When it gets dark, Anne leaves Gemma and Harry alone downstairs, to catch up and what not. Gemma immediately sees it as an opportunity to bring out some alcohol as if they were rowdy teenagers again. Because of the medication Harry has to take after the accident, he can't drink so they make raspberry lemonade and Gemma spikes her glass with a bit of vodka. They settle down on the patio without any lights on. Evie's purring in Harry's lap as she sleeps.
"Why did I take Zayn's last name when we got married?" Harry asks her once he's tired of recounting what he remembers and what he doesn't.
"Oh ho, that one was good," Gemma laughs. "You thought it was romantic. He suggested hyphenating your names but you were adamant that you wanted to take his name. But first, you made me promise that when I get married and have kids, I'm gonna keep my last name."
"Really?" Harry furrows his brows. "Why?"
"Dunno, probably something about gender roles," Gemma shrugs and takes a sip of her drink. "I don't mind, we gotta continue the name somehow, yeah? What can I do when my baby brother is a bloody romantic who lives in a Rosamunde Pilcher novel?"
"Oh, c'mon," Harry goes to lightly kick her. Evie makes a sound in protest at the movement. "Sorry," Harry whispers to the cat and pets her. "It's kinda nice, actually."
"Changing all your uni paperwork when you were doing your masters wasn't nice," Gemma scoffs. "Everyone assumed you married like, an old rich bloke and then when they found out you married someone your age who was also a student they just thought you were mad."
"Why is love mad?" Harry exclaims. "So we got married young. We still aren't divorced and we have two children. And with as much as my fucked up brain allows me to remember, I can conclude that we don't hate each other. Well, at least we didn't. I've no clue how Zayn actually feels about me now."
Gemma rolls her eyes and Harry can see it even in the dark. "I would smack your head but I'm scared you'll get another bound of amnesia but consider this a spiritual smack."
"Noted," Harry chuckles. "I think I remember someone you dated or still date. A guy called... Luke? I think. There were some photos from a night out on my Instagram."
"Oh yeah," Gemma nods. "We're still together. It's going fine, I'd say. Certainly one of my longer relationships."
"Can I hear the wedding bells ringing?" Harry teases.
"Uh," Gemma hums and puts her drink on the table. "I'm not much into matrimony. Divorce is expensive." She yaws, rubbing her hands over her face. "If we settle down one day, that's great. If we don't, life goes on. I'm happy either way. I'm not... tethered to him. I don't think I'll ever have the kind of a relationship you and Zayn have where you'd ideally breathe the same air. I like my space, like Evie does." Gemma nods her head at Evie in Harry's lap, who's trying to slide out from underneath his hand in the weird way cats do where they appear three times longer than usual. "And I'm knackered. Long flight. So I'll be going." Gemma smacks a kiss on Harry's cheek when she stands up. "Read the book. And don't freak out, everything will be fine."
Harry's left sitting there alone in the dark then. Even Evie has abandoned him and joined the other two cats in the living room. The warm summer night is too enticing to just leave behind so Harry bites the bullet and ventures into the living room for Zayn's book. He turns on two lamps inside that will provide him with enough light to read yet keep the mosquitos and other pests away. With the paperback in hand, Harry sits on the patio two-seater with his knees drawn to his chest and begins reading.
The first stab into his heart is the dedication itself. 'To Harry and Sadie. Life is so much brighter when you live with two of the most radiant rays of sunshine.' It's enough to bring him to tears again but Harry's determined not to cry like a baby this time. So he starts reading.
There are eight short stories in total, at least that's what the context page tells him. The first one is easy enough, a seemingly short detective story with all the archetypes of the genre. That was the point of it. The next one is a funny absurd story with a talking dog. Another one is a horror set in an abandoned hotel. But it's the fourth one that makes Harry cry again.
Arguably, it's a cliché romantic story about falling in love so quickly you want to laugh at it. But Harry doesn't laugh, he's constantly on the verge of tears because he can see his own relationship within it. He could in each and every one of them. A little piece that felt familiar, that so desperately tried to find a link in Harry's dilapidated memory. The love is jumping up at him from the pages and Harry just wants to hide.
And Gemma was right. Harry hasn't even finished the book yet the picture's being repainted in his mind with every passing minute. The way Zayn uses words, how all the depictions of love in the book are somehow connected to their relationship. Being presented with the fact that Harry's experienced the love that most think exists only in art is baffling. He can't even remember much of it but having the knowledge that Harry married someone, who on his own is brilliant and breathtaking, that loves him so fucking much makes him want to believe that everything will be fine in the end. Because a love like this can't go away, can it?
As Harry reads the last lines of the fourth story and it eludes to the protagonists of the story having a baby girl, his initial amelioration and respite in the heartbreak is gone because Harry realizes he forgot to call Sadie. He fucking promised Sadie he would call her before her bedtime and he didn't. He was having a grand bloody time with Gemma and his mum and he forgot about his daughter, his little girl that can't wait for him to be back home. And Harry knows then he's not coming back anytime soon. Now he forgot to call her but what if he comes home and forgets to fucking feed her? Or forgets her somewhere?
He doesn't even muster up the strength to cry. Hollow, defeated, that's how Harry feels. He was trying so fucking hard to get better. And he thought he did. He did! Sadie and Noah were so happy to see him today and the feeling of holding them was unlike anything Harry's experienced in the 21 years of his life he remembers well. He loves them, he does. But everything he's learned since they came into his life is gone. It took time to learn how to be a father and only a second was needed to make it all vanish.
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hiii everyone! i've still a few chapters ready, so updates will be regular for a bit still 😅 THANK YOU SO MUCH, once the situation calls the fuck down and i'm home, i'll be replying to comments but thank you, it means the world to me 🥺🥺🥺